I really need some advice

[ShookUp]

Been lurking here for a while and finally got up the nerve to post.

 

This is going to be long, so I appreciate anyone who sticks with me.

 

About 3 years ago, my wife and I lost a baby. Since that time, we have discovered that any future pregnancies will be high risk. I did a lot of research and the risk is low, but there is a risk there. We talked about having another kid, and then the conversation just stopped (both our faults). After losing the baby, we didn’t really talk about it too much, just started trying to heal. She started hanging out with her friends more and playing sports…. I, left at home, started hanging out with friends as well.

 

Our marriage has been going along fine, but lately, we have started seeming “disconnected” and not as in touch as we use to be. One of her good friends is going through marriage troubles and my wife has been spending a lot of time with her trying to help her through divorce decisions etc and I have been on the road for my job.

 

Personally, the amount of time she is spending with her friend in need is starting to impact me. I have been cheated on before in the past and I get the same emotionally disconnected feeling I did then now. Plus, the frequency of sex has been way down lately and I feel as if I'm always initiating.

 

Enough background, fast forward to my main issue. We went out to dinner a few months ago and started talking about kids and adoption. Out of the blue, my wife says “I think you think I’m going to change my mind about having “natural” kids and I’m not, I’ve made up my mind.” This is the first time I had heard this and she didn’t discuss it at all with me. From my perspective, I’m an only child and the last male in my family with my family name, so, from childhood, I’ve always dreamed of having a large family of my own children (I know it’s selfish, but it is the truth). Recently, the possibility to adopt a child has arisen and I’m growing increasingly concerned that a) I will resent the child and b) I will resent my wife for never having children of our own and c) she want be there for me and the kid as she spends so much of her time with her friends.

 

This has been tormenting me for over a month now as I have fantasies of leaving so I can find another woman to have a family with (about 3 months ago, an old high-school girlfriend sent me an email out of the blue, I found out she is recently divorced and has a child, so I know that this is partially responsible for my way of thinking). I don’t know what to do as I love my wife, but I also have this burning need to have children of my own. I’m not ruling out adoption as I would love to give an unwanted child a home, but I don’t want to 100% rule out natural children either.

 

I’ve told my wife about my concerns and she wants me to talk to someone (which I’m willing to do), but I just don’t see how I can work my way out of my current way of thinking.

 

Help!

[suegail]

What you've said is slightly confusing. You said you found out that future pregnancies will be or would be high risk, and then you said just the opposite based on your own research. I guess I'm wondering where you got the first opinion? Was your wife seen and evaluated by a doctor of obstetrics?

 

Maybe your wife isn't at all convinced the risk will be low, and I can't blame her at all if she is concerned for that reason and is not willing to go through a pregnancy. She's already gone through trauma, having lost a baby. It may be something she just feels she cannot face again.

 

Personally I think if you leave your wife for the reason you've given - well, I just think it would be a lousy thing to do. It doesn't sound to me as if you're ready to do that, but you're quite willing to entertain the idea, to 'fantasize' about it. If you love your wife as you say you do, you shouldn't even be thinking like that. You've somehow locked this idea into your head that this will stand between you forevermore if she doesn't give you the family you've always dreamed of, and you're prematurely ready to begin the search for her replacement. I consider it a little outrageous.

 

I think you should take your wife's advice and talk to someone about all this. I think you should both go to counseling and find a way to get this resolved.

It shouldn't have to be a case of "I'm ready to think of giving up...." She may very well change her mind at some point, or even you may....you may, though you think you never will, but you may come to feel you can offer just as much love to an adopted child as you could to a child of your own. If nothing else at this point you should be ready to discuss it and try and understand your wife's reasons for feeling as she does.

 

Best of luck...

[whichwayisup]

I think you both need to go to Marriage Counselling. There is 3 years or so of built up emotions and feelings that never got sorted out and dealt with together after that sad loss (Sorry to hear that, it's awful to go through) and so much time has passed on by - Each of you dealt with it in your own ways, separately.

 

I don't know what else to say except if you love your wife, stay with her and live life as it hits ya. If adoption is it, try to make peace with it. If she is able to conceive again and go full term, that's great. There are also other options to look into if she isn't able to carry the baby all the way to the end.

 

Keep the lines of communication open and please, get the thoughts of starting over with someone else out of your head. Stay in the now and work on the issues at hand...Marriage counselling will help you both.

[ShookUp]

What you've said is slightly confusing. You said you found out that future pregnancies will be or would be high risk, and then you said just the opposite based on your own research. I guess I'm wondering where you got the first opinion? Was your wife seen and evaluated by a doctor of obstetrics?

 

Kinda tough to be condense 3 years into a few paragraphs. Yes, we have seen several doctors and they both say that there are risks but are manageable. The OBGYN said she would get pregnant in a heartbeat. The reason for the high-risk label has to do with a myriad of circumstances that I don't want to get into.

 

but you're quite willing to entertain the idea, to 'fantasize' about it.

 

I think my use of "fantasize" is probably a little overboard. I don't sit and dwell on it, but the the "what-if" pops into my head unbidden several times throughout the day. I should point out that the communication from the old flame was one way and I have not communicated back. I have struggled with that successfully, but the temptation is there everyday.

 

Thank you both for reading through the post and following up with advice.

[UltimateZen]

I agree with the counseling idea. Too much built up after three years and your wife has drawn a line that you are clearly not comfortable with. As far as divorce goes, I believe that a couple should always work it out no matter what problems they run into. However, kids, family legacies, bitter emotions, and her obvious disconnect from you is enough to make you think about divorce, but far from acting on it just yet. Go through the motions of working on remedying the issues. I would plan an intimate vacation, somewhere you both are forced to be together, like a snow skiing trip. Then from that point get everything out in the open and come to a resolution. You both have to leave from that vacation knowing that you are both ready to deal with the problems together instead of avoiding them. You may/may not get everything resolved, but at least it is a start. I would follow up the vacation the very next week with a trip to marriage counseling to push the both of you along.

 

If nothing happens and she is not willing to work with you, don't just consider yourself dead out of the water. Sometimes things are not meant to be what you hope them to be.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Becoming]

Ditto to all of the excellent advice above.

 

I have never understood what the need to have YOUR child is all about. There are so many babies in this world who need someone like you and your wife to love them that I can't figure out why this wouldn't be considered an option.

 

I have an adopted niece from the Ukraine who came to us at 18 mths. She's now 15 and incredible. My sister and her husband saved this girl's life. How could that not be as noble as having "your own" baby?

[Kenyth]

Losing a baby is a major trauma, both mentally and physically. Especially for the woman I imagine. It can very easily end in divorce. You both need counseling (together and alone) to get past the pain, accept the reality, and decide what you both want in life and whether you can meet each others needs. I have friends who had the same problem. Years later, they tried again and succeeded!

[Ladyjane14]

If your wife doesn't want to have children, and you do....then there is NO middle ground to be negotiated. This isn't something that you're going to be able to resolve in mediation. It's a 'yes or no' question.

 

I can't imagine a counseling scenario in which pressure wouldn't be brought to bear for either one partner or the other to capitulate.

 

There needs to be a certain amount of fundamental compatibility in order for a marriage to be successful. Otherwise, you become adversaries with one spouse winning and the other losing. How can you commit to teamwork if you have different goals?

 

I'm sorry, but this issue could be a deal-breaker.

[JayKay]

It sounds like you both never really sat down and communicated your feelings about the lost pregnancy. It can be a very traumatic event.

 

She may be TERRIFIED of having to repeat the experience.

 

I agree that counseling is a must for you both.

 

In terms of your burning desire to have your 'own' children, I'd try to see it from a different angle. What if you had a low sperm count and couldn't create a child? How would it feel if your wife told you, "You know, I need a biological child, not an adopted one. I resent you for not being able to give me that. I want to go find another man..."

 

I'm sure you'd be devastated.

 

I think you're being realistic about your 'fantasies' and realize that's just what they are. But unless you and your wife re-connected you're heading down a slippery path.

 

Marriage really is 'for better or worse' and their are often difficult compromises to be made along the way.

[ShookUp]

Again, thank you all for your well thought out responses.

 

To the above poster. I'm not against adoption at all and would glady welcome an adopted child into my family. But I also have the burning need for a child of my own. Again, I know it's somewhat selfish, but it's a lifelong dream of mine and not easily dismissed overnight. I do think my wife is terrified that we could have a repeat scenario, and I understand that (to an extent), but my feelings are that that should not be a barrier to not trying again (too many negatives in that sentence, srroy ).

 

We did try talking tonight and I totally understand where she is coming from, but she is having a hard time understanding my point of view.

 

JayKay, yes, I would be devastated. That's part of my "tormented" feelings. I think right now I just have so many different emotions flying around, it's tough for me to isolate them and try and work through them individually. I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor tomorrow and hope I can get to see them before the end of the year.

 

We tried a vacation back in September and it just didn't seem like it use to.

 

Again, I appreciate all the well thought out responses... it is really a load off to just say these words out loud instead of keeping them bottled up (I felt like I was going to lose it there for a while). I also agree that we probably didn't deal with the lose as we should have... we buried ourselves in our work, friends, and fun and didn't face the issue head on and now it's causing a problem.