I have hard time dealing with breakup.

[Coffee addicted man]

Hello people of love shack. I am new here so please forgive my mistakes in writing if I make any (also English is not my primary language).

 

Anywho I was dumped by my ex of 2 years over text literally 15 minutes after she expressed she loves me and that we are doing good and we'll soon go out (this was a face to face interaction). She was stressed out and this was also coincidentally during our break which she initiated a month prior (due to according to her life stress and school stress).

 

She kept saying we are doing fine whenever I'd reach out to check up on her and would even say she loves me and it's just a temporary break.

 

15 minutes after me seeing her accidentally at a bar and her expressing love I got a text on whatsapp saying 

 

"Sorry you waited, I can't be in a relationship anymore, take care."

 

I was beyond devastated, she refused going out because according to her the result is the same and she is busy to meet up for closure.

 

Anywho fast forward 2 months after breakup and she was engaging in dissmisive, cruel, gaslighting behavior.

 

Some examples would be saying "as if that would ever happen." When I asked her if she remembered the time I offered to undergo surgery to donate a part of my liver for her brother.

Saying I hit her, when that never literally happened (14 days before breakup she was even saying how we had no toxicity in relationship such as yelling, physical violence and lying or cheating, name calling etc.)

 

I was showing her how to defend herself at the time which she wanted and did not hit her at all. I trained martial arts for 10 years and decided to show her the basics of self defense. (Heck I was even defending her against people who were belittling her)

 

She told me how I'm magically better now due to my IBS being a bit better now as I wasn't good health wise at all while with her and when I said I'm going to therapy to do introspection because I haven't gotten any closure she said "Good I hope you're enjoying it."

 

She twisted the history, couldn't remember anything, clearly fabricated stuff and disrespected me beyond belief.

 

I lost a job because of my depression that I got with this trauma and I'm still hurt and single a year later.

 

Everyone says she doesn't have integrity nor character, but I still can't believe that, I'm still shocked, hurt and I feel sorry for her and us and what could've been. 

 

I wasn't the best boyfriend for sure, I could've shown more affection but I don't think I deserved this treatment.

 

She also allegedly found someone a month later (if she didn't monkeybranch already).

 

Can you please help me understand this behavior?

 

Why does she behave like this, what can cause this?

 

Will she ever actually remember that I was her friend too and someone who supported her through hell and high water. She even said 15 days before breakup how I was her best friend and made her days better. During breakup she claimed I ruined her mental and physical health and she wants to forget me forever. 

 

We had arguments like every couple but never did we actually name call each other and bellitle or yell or hit each other, I cannot believe someone who loved me to bits and was sweetest person I knew was capable of such things.

 

Is this true character of hers she hid and lack of integrity I overlooked?

 

I don't want to vilify her, I wish I could help her as she is going through a lot in life and I feel for her and I heard she is hooking up randomly a year later.

 

If it's true (and I got this as we live in a small town and most people know me) I feel sad and wish I could help her and I know that's not the healthiest life to live.

 

If it's not true I'm glad it's not then.

 

I do not wish harm upon her nor any sort of hard feelings, I just wish to understand why did she do it like this, why was there a drastic change and why did she have to manipulate, make up lies even and overblow stuff...

 

I am left alone and have nobody to ask for help, I just hope someone reads this and shares insights. Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Please take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. Unfortunately this has been falling apart for a long time.

"Breaks" are just a way to tiptoe out of a relationship. It seems your relationship was toxic all along.

You dodged a bullet. Set yourself free from this drama. . Please delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Permanently. 

[Coffee addicted man]

@Wiseman2 thank you for the reply, I'mstill figuring out how to reply back, it hurts me to know it has been failing apart for a long time and that I haven't noticed it or at least didn't hear much about issues until it was already too late.

 

I was thinking the same about the breaks but I really believed her and took her word for it.

 

How exactly was it toxic if I may ask? I mean is it because of this post breakup behavior or? I cannot wrap my head around stuff simply  because I am questioning myself now after breakup as everything seems to be my fault and I haven't heard one good thing about me or us from my ex. Is this something common with dumpers?

 

And I had to delete her friends who were by the way hiding social media posts where she was tagged from me (her best friends, and when I asked her about it she claimed she had no clue, but I could still bet my money she wanted them to hide it, because they are best friends and her not caring about such odd behavior is weird). Who knows what was going on there, I am just lost, confused hurt and endlessly going to internet corners looking for rational answers.

 

Thank you kindly though. Hope it wasn't a long read and I had already removed them like you said. It was hard but it had to be done.

[d0nnivain]

Coffee addicted man 

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Her post break up behavior is toxic.  I have no insight for you about why this happened.   You mention that "everyone" says she has no integrity.  That leads me to believe that you ignored & still maybe don't see certain red flags that came into more focus after the break up when she began treating you very badly.   

You say you have nobody to talk to because you live in a small town.  Are you sure about that?  You have your therapist.  You have LS.  You also have "everyone" that mentioned who told you that she's toxic.  Talk to them. 

Nobody enjoys therapy but it can help a helpful and empowering experience that lightens your emotional load.  I hope it works for you. 

No I do not think she will ever remember that you were her friend nor will she care about your offer to be screened as a living organ donor to her brother.  I am a living kidney donor.  I know the sacrifice you offered.  Someone who cared about the good times would not now be lying & accusing you of previously hitting her.  

No Contact is your best option. I am glad you have disconnected from her and her friends on social media.  Staying far away is your best bet.  You can't help her in part because she doesn't want your help.  Focus on yourself.   You will get through this & be stronger on the other side.  

[Coffee addicted man]

@d0nnivainWell the issue is that it was the classic case of "it's not you it's me" until I asked for further clarification about why and how and then she brought up stuff that I said/didn't say, do/didn't do whatever it is, even if it's her coming to my part of town mostly to see me due to my condition, doesn't matter how major/minor the thing is, she brought it up. 

Also I didn't mention in the post to avoid confusion, there was a supposed "guy friend" she hung out with in group settings that I had no clue about for the last month or so of the relationship and I caught hint of it by him watching my social media stories, I have 100 people following me so it's quite easy to track who sees that for me and I then saw them at that bar in a group setting where she told me everything's fine. After my last attempt at communication, a month after that (literally 30 days) I saw them out and about alone. She told me during our conversation she was seeing someone and it wasn't fair to talk to me about closure and it's not that guy friend. Yet I never saw her with anyone else but him (either alone or in a group setting) so if there wasn't cheating, there was for sure breach of trust as I wasn't informed of this sudden new guy friend (not that I control her, I would just like to avoid unpleasant surprises by running into her with some random guys). P.S She never had "guy friends" while we were together and even before that, so it was fishy to me. 

Well I am ignoring them because she did a 180 on me, if she was like this throughout the relationship, I'd long leave. Not to sound arrogant, but that's what I believe is the "genuine" reason or cause for my inability to see red flags. 

Also I did therapy, sorry for miscofnusion, but the therapists told me to try to build my self esteem up by not thinking about her and working on being less critical of what went wrong etc. So it wasn't of much use and it kind of made me shut that option of talking to them out, as I thought it would be childish to ask them about my relationship or talk to them after they said that. 

I do have friends sure, but again I know that it's not appropriate to use them for venting, we spoke about it and they were pretty clear about her behavior (saying it lacks character and integrity) so I decided to not pester them any further. 

Thank you for kind words, I don't know if it's lack of any closure paired with very bad treatment after breakup the reason why I'm stuck up on her, but I still do care about her as I would care about a good old friend in a way, because I cannot forget things she did for me during relationship. She helped me when I was going through low points at my job and in family, I cannot forget that.

And yeah, it hurts me that she can't see that I was her friend but I guess she values different types of connection so to speak. 

P.S the reason said that she lacks integrity (those that I'm close to or internet stranger) is based off of the fact that she reassured me that we'll go out on a date and that she loves me minutes prior to ditching me over single sentence text. 

 Because after she done that, she told me I ruined her life in a way, that I was egoistic, that I hit her (which is really sad to go that low to fabricate stuff like that). 

Because that's polar opposite of her words and behavior I have screenshoted during our conversations where she told me all the opposite stuff (example is me being her friend, making her days better, helping her, that there was no toxicity etc.)

Also people commented he character because she was again making fun of me indirectly about my illness she knows I had and I still do (IBS and it was really bad) and was making bad remarks like "you're magically better now and you go out more post breakup, interesting." 

Making nasty comments about other stuff too and generally treating me like lesser human for simply asking to see her for 15 minutes so we can close the case in person. 

Sorry for longer read, but that's generally what and why people considered her to be as such, because of how drastic and sudden the change in behavior is paired with belittling, dismissing, lying, gaslighting, avoidance and general behavior.

Also whenever she was presented with facts or asked what she did wrong, she would say "well I did it/didn't do it because of something you did/didn't do" so I couldn't really even have a conversation as the blame was always around me. 

Heck she blamed me for herself being shy, telling me I should've talked to her more, when literally month before breakup I was telling her to open up more and that I'd be glad to listen to her vent and help her navigate issues... 

Sorry for long read, I'm really in a bad spot and just need some closure to wrap this up and get this out of my mind or else I feel like it's going to explode...

[flitzanu]

i know this isn't what you want to hear, but you keep mentioning "closure" and how she wouldn't meet you to talk about all these problems you're accusing her of, but she doesn't have to.  she broke up with you because she no longer wants to communicate with you, and she isn't going to provide you closure that is something you're going to have to find inside yourself.

and, it sounds like a lot of the mean behavior she is showing is after the breakup and you kept contacting her until she had to start being mean.  

it isn't appropriate that she made up lies about you, and at the same time you need to realize she left you and is not obligated to keep talking to you or listening to why you think it was a mistake.  

 

[d0nnivain]

Closure comes from within.  You can't get it from somebody else. 

Working on self esteem can be a lifelong process.  I am still working on mine. 

Sometimes you have to try different therapists until you get one that clicks.  My old one retired in Covid.  I tried to go it alone but reached out again earlier this year. I'm on my 4th one already.  One I said wasn't a good match.  One my insurance company wouldn't pay for.  The 3rd thought I'd be better with the 4th so here I am.  I have had good therapists in my life & ones I thought were quacks.  They are not one size fits all.  

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with the new guy "friend".  Although she didn't have guy friends during your relationship, he pops up during this "break" when she was still telling you everything was fine.  What was really happening there is she was trying him out as a BF but keeping you dangling in case he didn't work out.  When she decided to move forward in some way with him, she officially ended things with you.  

In the long run you two weren't meant to be & that is OK.  You will find your forever person but it's a process.  

[Coffee addicted man]

@flitzanu I completely understand that and I only ever reached out once to ask for closure as she was mean even during the initial breakup so I figured she would cool off. 

 

I am just wondering if this is normal for dumpers to do this? And how does this reflect on her because I have hard time taking off rose tinted glasses.

 

Thanks for your input though

[Coffee addicted man]

@d0nnivain Thanks for that info, yeah everyone told me that too about my ex and that guy friend and self esteem issue too.

 

I'm in therapy and set on reworking myself from scratch and figuring out how to detect people like that better in future to avoid them.

 

I think you're right about her testing him out as it doesn't add up at all her behavior and him suddenly being interested in my looks like she said. 

 

It's sad and I'm 99% positive she did monkeybranch but without black and white evidence I can't tell although everything piints at that both timing and situation wise.

 

Thank you once more and this really means a lot to me that you took time to respond to me and explain to me stuff. I truly appreciate that.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Coffee addicted man said:

I am just wondering if this is normal for dumpers to do this? And how does this reflect on her because I have hard time taking off rose tinted glasses.

You're welcome.  That is what LS is for -- listening & supporting one another. 

Some dumpers act super cold & mean afterwards. 

Sometimes that is about giving the dumpee no room to misunderstand about the relationship being over & not even giving them a glimmer of hope that things can be fixed.  They are harsh because it's "cruel to be kind".  The dumper ends up with a bunch of hopium & that prevents them from moving forward.   I can't say for sure but given your reaction to the "break" & seeking closure I think there is a little of that here.  She may have feared that if she was polite to you that you would take it as a sign she wanted to get back together.  

Other times dumpers act like this because they want to push the other person away.  They can't bear to see the painful consequences of their actions.   This can happen when the dumper is getting out for valid reasons but they don't want to be in a position where their EX could possibly talk them into trying again. Even though intellectually they may know it won't work but emotionally they are still attached.  It's a self protective mechanism. 

Her decisions about how she acted are all on her.  They have nothing to do with you.  Don't turn this around on yourself. 

[Coffee addicted man]

@d0nnivain Thanks for that and I can see that loveshack is nice community! I'm working on myself and thank you once more for insights. I do agree with your assesment and I do think she was trying to keep the "nice girl" face by trying to perhaps be polite but was instead anything but. 

 

Thank you once more it means a lot!

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, Coffee addicted man said:

I am just wondering if this is normal for dumpers to do this? And how does this reflect on her because I have hard time taking off rose tinted glasses.

Yes, it's not unusual for dumpers to behave ambiguously during a break up. They don't want to hurt the other person but they want to be free of the relationship, hence the incongruous behaviour and words. Your friends probably have a much clearer picture of who she is because they're not in love with her, and you should should heed their observations because they care about you more than she does. I would back right off and not contact her at all, and soon enough you'll find the fog will clear and you'll recognise that she wasn't the girl for you. 

[Coffee addicted man]

@MsJayne Oh thank you, yes I'm aware of my friends having clearer picture and I was just trying to take that with a grain of salt because I don't want to accidentaly make an echo chamber without objectively looking at the situation presented. Thank you for the response, I'm just sad that I never got to say my "say" to her at the end and that she left me in such a manner where it made me question myself so much and still send me a year later spiriling down the rabbit hole trying to find peace and resolution. 

[MsJayne]

3 minutes ago, Coffee addicted man said:

she left me in such a manner where it made me question myself so much and still send me a year later spiriling down the rabbit hole trying to find peace and resolution. 

Having someone gaslight you does that to you. And you, my good man, have been gaslit. Best way to deal with the residual feelings of confusion and negative self-evaluation is to give the middle finger to the person who made you feel that way. It's their problem, not yours. 

 

10 hours ago, Coffee addicted man said:

Can you please help me understand this behavior? Why does she behave like this, what can cause this?

I can't answer that as I don't know her, but incongruous words and actions usually indicate a lack of self-awareness and an associated lack of regard for the feelings of other people. Often this is due to immaturity, but sometimes it's something more sinister. Just take it at face value and respond accordingly, when someone behaves like an a*****e towards you, close the door in their face. Interesting that you were the one seeking therapy and that you were experiencing IBS while you were with her. It's a fact that abusers rarely seek therapy, it's usually their victims who end up crying on the therapist's couch, and prolonged emotional stress often turns into physical symptoms, (IBS is a common physical response), and that's the body's way of telling you to flush the s**t out of your life . 

[Coffee addicted man]

@MsJayne Oh thanks for that haha, it made me chuckle with the last bit about ibs and s**t. I am going through anger and sadness so it's a good thing that I can at least get out of sadness in a sense  I was having IBS but it was actually worse while I was with her (she didn't do anything that I'm aware that caused it to be worse) so now I'm better and I was honestly even asking her out besides closure, to make up with one last face to face meeting for dates and times I couldn't go out in the past and of course she dismissed it and said I didn't fix my health in time. 

And while she did exhibit immature behavior sometimes, I don't know if it's sinister or not, with all due respect to her because of how just vastly different her opinion of me at the end was and how there was even lies fabricated to support the notion. 

P.S I just remembered, she did make rather unusual comments about her ex at the beggining of our relationship (they dated for a few months maybe) and seemed like she enjoyed someone pining over her and left him in same manner as she did to me, albeit she was much longer with me. I totally forgot about that looking back at it. But in any case, thank you for that last bit as it made me laugh a bit and I very much appreciate the honesty and feedback 🙂 

[Gebidozo]

16 hours ago, Coffee addicted man said:

Hello people of love shack. I am new here so please forgive my mistakes in writing if I make any (also English is not my primary language).

 

Anywho I was dumped by my ex of 2 years over text literally 15 minutes after she expressed she loves me and that we are doing good and we'll soon go out (this was a face to face interaction). She was stressed out and this was also coincidentally during our break which she initiated a month prior (due to according to her life stress and school stress).

 

She kept saying we are doing fine whenever I'd reach out to check up on her and would even say she loves me and it's just a temporary break.

 

15 minutes after me seeing her accidentally at a bar and her expressing love I got a text on whatsapp saying 

 

"Sorry you waited, I can't be in a relationship anymore, take care."

 

I was beyond devastated, she refused going out because according to her the result is the same and she is busy to meet up for closure.

 

Anywho fast forward 2 months after breakup and she was engaging in dissmisive, cruel, gaslighting behavior.

 

Some examples would be saying "as if that would ever happen." When I asked her if she remembered the time I offered to undergo surgery to donate a part of my liver for her brother.

Saying I hit her, when that never literally happened (14 days before breakup she was even saying how we had no toxicity in relationship such as yelling, physical violence and lying or cheating, name calling etc.)

 

I was showing her how to defend herself at the time which she wanted and did not hit her at all. I trained martial arts for 10 years and decided to show her the basics of self defense. (Heck I was even defending her against people who were belittling her)

 

She told me how I'm magically better now due to my IBS being a bit better now as I wasn't good health wise at all while with her and when I said I'm going to therapy to do introspection because I haven't gotten any closure she said "Good I hope you're enjoying it."

 

She twisted the history, couldn't remember anything, clearly fabricated stuff and disrespected me beyond belief.

 

I lost a job because of my depression that I got with this trauma and I'm still hurt and single a year later.

 

Everyone says she doesn't have integrity nor character, but I still can't believe that, I'm still shocked, hurt and I feel sorry for her and us and what could've been. 

 

I wasn't the best boyfriend for sure, I could've shown more affection but I don't think I deserved this treatment.

 

She also allegedly found someone a month later (if she didn't monkeybranch already).

 

Can you please help me understand this behavior?

 

Why does she behave like this, what can cause this?

 

Will she ever actually remember that I was her friend too and someone who supported her through hell and high water. She even said 15 days before breakup how I was her best friend and made her days better. During breakup she claimed I ruined her mental and physical health and she wants to forget me forever. 

 

We had arguments like every couple but never did we actually name call each other and bellitle or yell or hit each other, I cannot believe someone who loved me to bits and was sweetest person I knew was capable of such things.

 

Is this true character of hers she hid and lack of integrity I overlooked?

 

I don't want to vilify her, I wish I could help her as she is going through a lot in life and I feel for her and I heard she is hooking up randomly a year later.

 

If it's true (and I got this as we live in a small town and most people know me) I feel sad and wish I could help her and I know that's not the healthiest life to live.

 

If it's not true I'm glad it's not then.

 

I do not wish harm upon her nor any sort of hard feelings, I just wish to understand why did she do it like this, why was there a drastic change and why did she have to manipulate, make up lies even and overblow stuff...

 

I am left alone and have nobody to ask for help, I just hope someone reads this and shares insights. Thank you!

Sorry you had to go through all that.

Breakups can be excruciating. You are not alone in your pain. I’ve been through breakups that made me feel like my life was over. Breakups that rendered me a mindless zombie wandering the planet without any purpose. Breakups that seemed to have torn my heart out of my chest and replaced it with pure darkness.

You have to get over that woman. Her post-breakup behavior is toxic to the extreme. She probably has guilt feelings and is lashing out. There is no reasoning with her at this point. 

There is only one way out of your situation. Completely delete and block her, focus on other aspects of your life (work, hobbies, friends, etc.) as much as you can, and let the wound heal.

As cliché as it sounds, time does heal wounds. But your wound won’t heal if you keep clawing at it and tearing it anew each time you’re wondering about her behavior or, worse, trying to re-establish contact.

[Coffee addicted man]

@Gebidozo Hey thank you for reassuring me I'm not the only one going through this.

 

I understand that her behavior is toxic, but you're right I should probably skip trying to figure it out.

 

The only issue with that is the fact that I'm blaming myself for this now and I can't but to think I lost on something great...

 

I wish my mind would stop thinking about it and honestly I tried working, going to the gym and being social but nothing helps.

 

I feel this guilt feeling and thoughts of her are always there. I actually lost my job because I couldn't work properly as I was frozen in time and place mostly.

 

Last contact we had was in July 2023. I never made contact with her again. Honestly though, would it be advisable to ever try to reconcile with her if she came back? 

 

I usually forgive people easily and although her behavior is pretty bad I just can't make myself look at her differently. Maybe it's my low self esteem, maybe it's something else who knows.

 

But thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply!

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Coffee addicted man said:

@Gebidozo Hey thank you for reassuring me I'm not the only one going through this.

 

I understand that her behavior is toxic, but you're right I should probably skip trying to figure it out.

 

The only issue with that is the fact that I'm blaming myself for this now and I can't but to think I lost on something great...

 

I wish my mind would stop thinking about it and honestly I tried working, going to the gym and being social but nothing helps.

 

I feel this guilt feeling and thoughts of her are always there. I actually lost my job because I couldn't work properly as I was frozen in time and place mostly.

 

Last contact we had was in July 2023. I never made contact with her again. Honestly though, would it be advisable to ever try to reconcile with her if she came back? 

 

I usually forgive people easily and although her behavior is pretty bad I just can't make myself look at her differently. Maybe it's my low self esteem, maybe it's something else who knows.

 

But thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply!

You feel you’ve lost something great? It doesn’t look that way. Let’s try to analyze it objectively. What exactly do you think was so great in your ex? And what do you think you did wrong?

[Coffee addicted man]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

You feel you’ve lost something great? It doesn’t look that way. Let’s try to analyze it objectively. What exactly do you think was so great in your ex? And what do you think you did wrong?

Well firstly, she was kind, sweet, compassionate and would listen to me and make the effort to swing by to my part of town most of the time to meet me when we would go out. Even helped me figure some stuff out and soothe me when I was feeling low, I cannot forget that. 

I miss her because she was quiet, non argumentative and would follow along (not saying that as in I like full control) but it's nice to have someone who is easygoing.

I think I did wrong firstly by not taking her out much on dates, you see, at the time I had pretty severe IBS (not to use this as an excuse, but to give context) and I was going to bathroom 10+ times a day, it was mostly uncontrolable and I was always bloated or feeling sick. We would mostly go for walks almost all the time and didn't travel or go to restaurants as I couldn't "afford" that healthwise as 

a.) travelling is something I haven't done in years fighting with my condition
b.) since I have constipatipation (hard stool with heavy bloating mostly) I tend to stay in bathroom for upwards of 15-20 minutes at a time, so being at a bar would just run the risk mostly of her sitting alone while I am, well in bathroom. I had this happen 2 times early on in our relationship, it was embarassing and I wouldn't like to let her sit alone at a table like that. She told me at the time that she didn't mind that and liked our walks (walking would help me with bloating mostly as I was on the move and not sitting, so it would ease my symptoms).

Second, I did wrong by perhaps not showing as much affection. Now, this is tricky as I've done so much introspection that it made me question whether it is reasonable to conclude I did/didn't show affection. 

Firstly, I rarely said I love you to her and sometimes would be overwhelmed with my work and health condition that I was talking about my life stressors. 

On the other hand though, I did actually tell her repeatedly to open up to me (she is closed off) and to talk to me whenever she has issues and to sometimes start talking first, because I don't know if it's my fault for not asking her about her day all the time and such, but I would often times ask her what she is up to and how is stuff around her family, but she would mostly be somewhat short in answering that and revert it back to me, so I felt like I was having monologues when we were on dates and I was really feeling uncomfortable because I felt like I wasn't giving her any spotlight yet I was asking her to talk to me and open up, even tried asking direct questions, but they were most of the time (majority really) met with short direct and concise answers.

I also wanted to donate my liver and go for screening process for her brother (thank God the poor kid didn't have to undergo that) which she after the breakup dismissed by saying "please as if that would ever happen." Which I pointed out in my post I believe.

Also I was always asking to pay for her trips, stuff she wanted to buy, bought her fruit and such when she was sick etc. Because I knew she didn't get much support from family (as they are toxic/both parents are) and I offered to pay for her gym membership, suplements, to encourage her to meet people, hang out with people to talk to close friends, to not stay at home and to not worry about me as much as she did due to my condition.

So I am contradicting myself in my perceptions, because on one hand I didn't take her out that much and we didn't do much as a couple mainly because of my condition that didn't even allow me to go out alone (it was like house imprisoment I had during this time) and second because I wasn't too lovey dovey with her so to speak.

But on other hand I also did show her support time and time again with many different things (most of the time she refused help either financial or emotional for reasons unknown).

Now the most hurtful thing that got me wanting to commit suicide at one point after breakup was the fact that she (2 months after breakup exactly) said following stuff:

That I never showed affection or love or appreciation, that now when I'm feeling better, I'm going out all the time after breakup and that I am "magically better" without her that maybe she was holding me back and was making  my condition worse. I found this to be low blow and extremely disrespectful to bring up my condition she knew I fought with everything I got at the time as a reason for breakup and also to say that now I'm better in what I perceive as dismissive attitude, is just cruel. 

To fabricate a blatant lie about hitting her when weeks prior to breakup she was literally writing me how our relationship had no toxicity such as lying, cheating, yelling or physical abuse is just... I'm out of words for that lie and implication. She even went as far as to say I ruined her mental and physical health (again days before breakup she was telling me I was making her days better despite the inability to experience new things as couple). 

To say that she was afraid of me, because I wanted to defend her from her abusive father is just... I am again shocked to say the least. 

To say I always started arguments and perhaps cheated maybe (implied) because I was doing a long photoshoot with my good girl friend and funny thing is she was informed and we were chatting throughout the shoot that took place downtown where everyone could see what we were doing... (this happened literally year before the breakup, she never brought it up)

To say I never supported her and was egoistic is I think a bit of a stretch.

To engage in behaviors such as when I asked her what her flaws were in relationship, she would respond with "I didn't bring up issues in time" to which I replied "But that could've solved many of the issues and saved the relationship" To which she said "Maybe but it doesn't matter, you weren't receptive sometime in the past so yeah, no point in dwelling on that now"

Deflecting responsibility and making it about me, even going as far as saying I'm the reason for her being shy or in her words "You know I'm shy, why didn't you ask me more about my life if you were interested" Yet I kept asking anyway...

She also hid her college trip to another country or should I say didn't inform me about it during the break and didn't even inform me about the new guy friend she made which she never appearently knew in the past and never had guy friends in relationships. I actually mentioned this in one of the comments in detail.

When I said I'm going to therapy to find closure and what's wrong with me to be left in such a manner she replied "Good, I hope you enjoy it" which I found really crushing as I considered her my best friend once. 


So basically it all left me wanting her, wanting answers, blaming myself for not showing up more, yet I was also faced with an IBS as a challenge in some areas (not to use this as excuse) and I am sad that she was one person during our 2 years together and shortly before, during and after breakup she turned into whatever this is now. 

I am saddened by the fact that my good friend is no longer friend, that even if she was to come back, I wouldn't be able to look past this, not because I hold grudges like she does (she confirmed she does) but because I could forgive but not give her that chance again because of how hurtful she was dealing with me in my most vurnable position so to speak. 

I feel like I lost on something great because I didn't show up or appreciate her in ways she wanted and that maybe just maybe she is right, maybe I am egoistic in some way for sometimes wanting stuff my way (like activities being done my way) but then again my therapist told me egoistic and narcissistic people don't seek therapy like I did, so it confused me. 

I can see her happy downtown and I just can't stand that, because it makes me sad to see her happy with someone/something else (not in a bad way or mean spirited way) but because I miss her as a person and I wish I was a part of her group. 

On the other hand I am somewhat repulsed by her act of breaking up and her post breakup behavior and that helps rationalize stuff.

It's been a year, during the initial breakup I was offering to take her out, she refused because she thought I would  "hoover  her" back in. My intentions were clear on wanting to see her last time and at least taking her to rollercoaster or someplace else, because now I'm better healthwise and wanted to take her mind off of her problems at home, but she refused. She knew my intentions as I made them clear and I hold my word and principles.  

I just think I messed it up by not being that much present in some areas of the relationship and sometimes arguing over  petty stuff (like being stressed at work) but never ever have I raised my voice, name called her, disrespected her or did anything to cause physical or emotional harm.


P.S the reason why I tend to think she is blowing stuff out of proportion and that she would lie about me causing her any sort of distress and why I don't trust her is because of how she told me that she loves me and such and then broke up with me and disrespected me. I think that behavior really ruined my trust in her and made me doubt anything she says as she literally told me she loves me and we'll go on a date to my face before ditching me over text 15 minutes later.

Sorry for such a long read, I am trying to give objective outlook from my standpoint with my own experience/interpretation of such and also objective evidence.          

Also quick edit, she wanted to talk about marriage but since she is 20 and I'm 22 I didn't want to go that far into future until she finishes college and until I get  my finances right as the country I live in is poor. Maybe I should've talked about it just for the sake of talking about it and making her feel special in that way... I don't know. 

Edited March 15 by Coffee addicted man
Forgot to add a point.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Coffee addicted man said:

Well firstly, she was kind, sweet, compassionate and would listen to me and make the effort to swing by to my part of town most of the time to meet me when we would go out. Even helped me figure some stuff out and soothe me when I was feeling low, I cannot forget that. 

I miss her because she was quiet, non argumentative and would follow along (not saying that as in I like full control) but it's nice to have someone who is easygoing.

I think I did wrong firstly by not taking her out much on dates, you see, at the time I had pretty severe IBS (not to use this as an excuse, but to give context) and I was going to bathroom 10+ times a day, it was mostly uncontrolable and I was always bloated or feeling sick. We would mostly go for walks almost all the time and didn't travel or go to restaurants as I couldn't "afford" that healthwise as 

a.) travelling is something I haven't done in years fighting with my condition
b.) since I have constipatipation (hard stool with heavy bloating mostly) I tend to stay in bathroom for upwards of 15-20 minutes at a time, so being at a bar would just run the risk mostly of her sitting alone while I am, well in bathroom. I had this happen 2 times early on in our relationship, it was embarassing and I wouldn't like to let her sit alone at a table like that. She told me at the time that she didn't mind that and liked our walks (walking would help me with bloating mostly as I was on the move and not sitting, so it would ease my symptoms).

Second, I did wrong by perhaps not showing as much affection. Now, this is tricky as I've done so much introspection that it made me question whether it is reasonable to conclude I did/didn't show affection. 

Firstly, I rarely said I love you to her and sometimes would be overwhelmed with my work and health condition that I was talking about my life stressors. 

On the other hand though, I did actually tell her repeatedly to open up to me (she is closed off) and to talk to me whenever she has issues and to sometimes start talking first, because I don't know if it's my fault for not asking her about her day all the time and such, but I would often times ask her what she is up to and how is stuff around her family, but she would mostly be somewhat short in answering that and revert it back to me, so I felt like I was having monologues when we were on dates and I was really feeling uncomfortable because I felt like I wasn't giving her any spotlight yet I was asking her to talk to me and open up, even tried asking direct questions, but they were most of the time (majority really) met with short direct and concise answers.

I also wanted to donate my liver and go for screening process for her brother (thank God the poor kid didn't have to undergo that) which she after the breakup dismissed by saying "please as if that would ever happen." Which I pointed out in my post I believe.

Also I was always asking to pay for her trips, stuff she wanted to buy, bought her fruit and such when she was sick etc. Because I knew she didn't get much support from family (as they are toxic/both parents are) and I offered to pay for her gym membership, suplements, to encourage her to meet people, hang out with people to talk to close friends, to not stay at home and to not worry about me as much as she did due to my condition.

So I am contradicting myself in my perceptions, because on one hand I didn't take her out that much and we didn't do much as a couple mainly because of my condition that didn't even allow me to go out alone (it was like house imprisoment I had during this time) and second because I wasn't too lovey dovey with her so to speak.

But on other hand I also did show her support time and time again with many different things (most of the time she refused help either financial or emotional for reasons unknown).

Now the most hurtful thing that got me wanting to commit suicide at one point after breakup was the fact that she (2 months after breakup exactly) said following stuff:

That I never showed affection or love or appreciation, that now when I'm feeling better, I'm going out all the time after breakup and that I am "magically better" without her that maybe she was holding me back and was making  my condition worse. I found this to be low blow and extremely disrespectful to bring up my condition she knew I fought with everything I got at the time as a reason for breakup and also to say that now I'm better in what I perceive as dismissive attitude, is just cruel. 

To fabricate a blatant lie about hitting her when weeks prior to breakup she was literally writing me how our relationship had no toxicity such as lying, cheating, yelling or physical abuse is just... I'm out of words for that lie and implication. She even went as far as to say I ruined her mental and physical health (again days before breakup she was telling me I was making her days better despite the inability to experience new things as couple). 

To say that she was afraid of me, because I wanted to defend her from her abusive father is just... I am again shocked to say the least. 

To say I always started arguments and perhaps cheated maybe (implied) because I was doing a long photoshoot with my good girl friend and funny thing is she was informed and we were chatting throughout the shoot that took place downtown where everyone could see what we were doing... (this happened literally year before the breakup, she never brought it up)

To say I never supported her and was egoistic is I think a bit of a stretch.

To engage in behaviors such as when I asked her what her flaws were in relationship, she would respond with "I didn't bring up issues in time" to which I replied "But that could've solved many of the issues and saved the relationship" To which she said "Maybe but it doesn't matter, you weren't receptive sometime in the past so yeah, no point in dwelling on that now"

Deflecting responsibility and making it about me, even going as far as saying I'm the reason for her being shy or in her words "You know I'm shy, why didn't you ask me more about my life if you were interested" Yet I kept asking anyway...

She also hid her college trip to another country or should I say didn't inform me about it during the break and didn't even inform me about the new guy friend she made which she never appearently knew in the past and never had guy friends in relationships. I actually mentioned this in one of the comments in detail.

When I said I'm going to therapy to find closure and what's wrong with me to be left in such a manner she replied "Good, I hope you enjoy it" which I found really crushing as I considered her my best friend once. 


So basically it all left me wanting her, wanting answers, blaming myself for not showing up more, yet I was also faced with an IBS as a challenge in some areas (not to use this as excuse) and I am sad that she was one person during our 2 years together and shortly before, during and after breakup she turned into whatever this is now. 

I am saddened by the fact that my good friend is no longer friend, that even if she was to come back, I wouldn't be able to look past this, not because I hold grudges like she does (she confirmed she does) but because I could forgive but not give her that chance again because of how hurtful she was dealing with me in my most vurnable position so to speak. 

I feel like I lost on something great because I didn't show up or appreciate her in ways she wanted and that maybe just maybe she is right, maybe I am egoistic in some way for sometimes wanting stuff my way (like activities being done my way) but then again my therapist told me egoistic and narcissistic people don't seek therapy like I did, so it confused me. 

I can see her happy downtown and I just can't stand that, because it makes me sad to see her happy with someone/something else (not in a bad way or mean spirited way) but because I miss her as a person and I wish I was a part of her group. 

On the other hand I am somewhat repulsed by her act of breaking up and her post breakup behavior and that helps rationalize stuff.

It's been a year, during the initial breakup I was offering to take her out, she refused because she thought I would  "hoover  her" back in. My intentions were clear on wanting to see her last time and at least taking her to rollercoaster or someplace else, because now I'm better healthwise and wanted to take her mind off of her problems at home, but she refused. She knew my intentions as I made them clear and I hold my word and principles.  

I just think I messed it up by not being that much present in some areas of the relationship and sometimes arguing over  petty stuff (like being stressed at work) but never ever have I raised my voice, name called her, disrespected her or did anything to cause physical or emotional harm.


P.S the reason why I tend to think she is blowing stuff out of proportion and that she would lie about me causing her any sort of distress and why I don't trust her is because of how she told me that she loves me and such and then broke up with me and disrespected me. I think that behavior really ruined my trust in her and made me doubt anything she says as she literally told me she loves me and we'll go on a date to my face before ditching me over text 15 minutes later.

Sorry for such a long read, I am trying to give objective outlook from my standpoint with my own experience/interpretation of such and also objective evidence.          

Also quick edit, she wanted to talk about marriage but since she is 20 and I'm 22 I didn't want to go that far into future until she finishes college and until I get  my finances right as the country I live in is poor. Maybe I should've talked about it just for the sake of talking about it and making her feel special in that way... I don't know. 

You don’t come across as egoistical at all. You are only 22? My goodness, at 22 I was a completely messed-up piece of… a substance prominently featured in IBS😄. I never blamed myself for anything. It was always “what’s wrong with those women?!”. You, on the other hand, are ready to take the blame for nearly everything, even when you were clearly wronged. You are humble, kind, and forgiving. 

Your ex, on the other hand, really behaved like an immature 20-year old. I think she broke up with you because of her own issues. It could be anything - emotional instability, inability to sustain a long-term relationship, perhaps a new romantic interest. She felt guilty and blamed you for everything to make herself feel better. This is already toxic in itself, but concocting lies about your behavior is bordering on pathological behavior.

Your mistake is dwelling on her, not letting her go mentally, thereby torturing yourself and making things worse. You should completely remove her from your life. You haven’t lost a friend because she was never your friend. You were romantically involved, she left you for some reason, it’s over. It’s time to start healing.

I’m completely convinced that somebody like you, who appears to be so mature at such a young age, will be able to find a mature, understanding partner, and do a lot of good in a romantic relationship.

[Coffee addicted man]

12 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You don’t come across as egoistical at all. You are only 22? My goodness, at 22 I was a completely messed-up piece of… a substance prominently featured in IBS😄. I never blamed myself for anything. It was always “what’s wrong with those women?!”. You, on the other hand, are ready to take the blame for nearly everything, even when you were clearly wronged. You are humble, kind, and forgiving. 

Your ex, on the other hand, really behaved like an immature 20-year old. I think she broke up with you because of her own issues. It could be anything - emotional instability, inability to sustain a long-term relationship, perhaps a new romantic interest. She felt guilty and blamed you for everything to make herself feel better. This is already toxic in itself, but concocting lies about your behavior is bordering on pathological behavior.

Your mistake is dwelling on her, not letting her go mentally, thereby torturing yourself and making things worse. You should completely remove her from your life. You haven’t lost a friend because she was never your friend. You were romantically involved, she left you for some reason, it’s over. It’s time to start healing.

I’m completely convinced that somebody like you, who appears to be so mature at such a young age, will be able to find a mature, understanding partner, and do a lot of good in a romantic relationship.

Firstly thanks for reading through the entire thing haha and thanks for such kind words! 

 

I do think she broke up because of grass is greener syndrome (her issues). Because of one statement where she explained how she didn't feel like waiting for me to improve my health condition and "give her more attention". 

 

Anywho, yes I do agree that her behavior is toxic as is, the only issue like I said and explained is the huge gap between her relationship and post breakup behavior.

 

I guess that me dwelling on it is because I was perhaps like one commenter said gaslit and also because I struggle with connecting 2 very different behaviors from her. 

 

I also don't really think she was my friend now when I see how she dealt with the breakup and things she said.

 

Thank you for saying all the stuff in the last paragraph, I don't really want to find anyone now as I am still recovering and it wouldn't be fair for me to use someone as a filler and I don't think I will find anyone because this is second long term relationship that ended over text abruptly for me, albeit in first case the girl was kind enough to at least apologize later on for doing such low thing.

 

Anyway, does this behavior indicate a deficit in character or integrity like my friends say? 

 

I am curious because I am putting her on pedastal when it's quite obvious I shouldn't. 

 

My logic is to find enough objective flaws to force myself to get over her, not to make stuff up for sake of getting over someone, but rather see stuff for what it's worth.

 

Thank you kindly again for nice words and help! 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

On 3/16/2024 at 9:42 PM, Coffee addicted man said:

Firstly thanks for reading through the entire thing haha and thanks for such kind words! 

 

I do think she broke up because of grass is greener syndrome (her issues). Because of one statement where she explained how she didn't feel like waiting for me to improve my health condition and "give her more attention". 

 

Anywho, yes I do agree that her behavior is toxic as is, the only issue like I said and explained is the huge gap between her relationship and post breakup behavior.

 

I guess that me dwelling on it is because I was perhaps like one commenter said gaslit and also because I struggle with connecting 2 very different behaviors from her. 

 

I also don't really think she was my friend now when I see how she dealt with the breakup and things she said.

 

Thank you for saying all the stuff in the last paragraph, I don't really want to find anyone now as I am still recovering and it wouldn't be fair for me to use someone as a filler and I don't think I will find anyone because this is second long term relationship that ended over text abruptly for me, albeit in first case the girl was kind enough to at least apologize later on for doing such low thing.

 

Anyway, does this behavior indicate a deficit in character or integrity like my friends say? 

 

I am curious because I am putting her on pedastal when it's quite obvious I shouldn't. 

 

My logic is to find enough objective flaws to force myself to get over her, not to make stuff up for sake of getting over someone, but rather see stuff for what it's worth.

 

Thank you kindly again for nice words and help! 

 

 

I don’t think you have any deficit of character or integrity. Your friends probably just want you to stop suffering and are telling you that so that your sadness turns into anger. But the truth is that you’re just a good, sensitive, unselfish person. If some silly girl doesn’t understand and appreciate that and breaks up with you, it’s her loss, isn’t it?

Then why even dwell on that? You don’t need to find objective flaws in your ex. You can cherish the time you’ve had together and reminisce it fondly. Nobody can ever take that away from you. She is not some kind of a demon, she is just a weak, immature human being. There is no need to resent her. It doesn’t even matter who was wrong and who was right. It’s over, and you should move on.

[Coffee addicted man]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t think you have any deficit of character or integrity. Your friends probably just want you to stop suffering and are telling you that so that your sadness turns into anger. But the truth is that you’re just a good, sensitive, unselfish person. If some silly girl doesn’t understand and appreciate that and breaks up with you, it’s her loss, isn’t it?

Then why even dwell on that? You don’t need to find objective flaws in your ex. You can cherish the time you’ve had together and reminisce it fondly. Nobody can ever take that away from you. She is not some kind of a demon, she is just a weak, immature human being. There is no need to resent her. It doesn’t even matter who was wrong and who was right. It’s over, and you should move on.

Thanks but I was reffering to her behavior as they say that her behavior lacks or is indication of deficit in those areas haha, sorry English is not my first language.

You're right, I'm not trying to resent her, but rather trying to see that it would just never have worked out, because I thought it would've worked out if I had done this or that differently. 

Anywho, thanks for your help and replies, it means a lot to gain some clarity on the entire thing, even if little 🙂