Where is the line drawn when ur b/f looks @ other women?

[purtyinpink_11]

My situation is the following. I was married for 7 yrs & never had insecurity or jealousy problems. I'm divorced now and have been w/my b/f for over a yr. He opened my eyes to the reality of how men really are. IMO, I think he's got an obsession w/women. He's got pics, calendars, had temp. put an anime pic of a girl w/huge boobs on his phone, and checks them out (or glances as he puts it). Don't get me wrong, there are some things that don't bother me b/c I know a lot of it is out of his control (i.e. friends sending pics). My main concern is the women he looks @ when I'm not w/him. He can't even give me an answer as to why he does it. I know he's not blind and I know to a certain extent, there's nothing wrong w/looking but when is the line crossed? And I'm not talking about flirting or exchanging #'s or touching or anything like that, I'm only referring to LOOKING. Everytime he leaves the house, that's all that crosses my mind...who's he gonna look @ at the gas station, the supermarket, the bank, the fast food rest. I can't stand living this way, I hate it cuz it's never been me and I wanna be me but we'll never see eye to eye on this. I'm more self-conscious than I've ever been. I feel that no matter how beautiful I try to make myself look, that it's not going to stop him from doing so. I know where his heart is and who he comes home to and I know he has no complaints so how else am I supposed to see this madness???

[witabix]

Thats a difficult one to deal with, and it cuts both ways, guys can be made uncomfortable when the SO checks out other guys, I would presume the same issue comes up with gay couples too.

 

Does he leer? Or make remarks? Or compare you to them?

"If you had legs like that" kind of comments?

 

He opened my eyes to the reality of how men really are.

 

Err.... not all men, but a lot of us are. I look at other girls, my SO will ask me if I find another girl attractive. I will tease her about other guys, done in fun, we laugh about it, and do it together. She is looking at other men when she goes out with her friends, she gets chatted up by them too, am I happy about it, not deliriously but I don't want her to go blind and dumb. Its life. I trust her to do what makes her happy.

 

Try not to view his actions as a form of attack or disrespectful to you. Try to be more confident.

 

I can't stand living this way, I hate it cuz it's never been me and I wanna be me but we'll never see eye to eye on this. I'm more self-conscious than I've ever been. I feel that no matter how beautiful I try to make myself look, that it's not going to stop him from doing so.

 

I hate using crappy analogies................

 

.......so I won't.

 

Remember, there are guys looking at you too. They are looking at you because they think you are attractive.

 

Looking at other people is absolutely unavoidable, how would we operate if we didn't look at each other, try rationalising it like that. If he is just looking that is.

[purtyinpink_11]

No he never makes remarks but then again he feels uncomfortable telling me that he thinks some girl's shirt is nice or whatnot b/c he knows I'll get offended. He's very observant. Can't go into a place w/out being aware of his surroundings so what happens? He spots a pretty girl and glances so it can happen anywhere, anytime. How's that supposed to make me feel? He never compares me, ever in fact he says I'm sexy, beautiful and so on.

 

I guess in the past I was just naive to how things really happened, it was never an issue. I have no other choice but to accept it I think b/c what am I going to make him do? Ask him not to look? To look @ the floor wherever he goes? That would be stupid of me and he's offerered to try and do that but no matter how much I would like for it to be that way, I can't accept it b/c I know he'll be the one unhappy trying to correct something that he doesn't even see as wrong in the first place.

 

How do I not feel offended? How can I still look @ myself in the mirror and say: I am still beautiful to him no matter how much T&A he looks at?

[theKid]

Ok heres some advice im a guy and my gf just broke up with me but im not gonna get in to that. He looks at other woman b/c thats what men do we cant help im sure he loves you. i mean he loves you but all men and i do mean ALL look at other women and yes there is a time to draw a line. Right know my heart is shattered and im looseing my mind but men will always look at other woman it is only natural. If he does have an obsession then there is something wrong with him not you.

[witabix]

No he never makes remarks but then again he feels uncomfortable telling me that he thinks some girl's shirt is nice or whatnot b/c he knows I'll get offended. ..............................................................

 

He never compares me, ever in fact he says I'm sexy, beautiful and so on.

 

...... Ask him not to look? To look @ the floor wherever he goes? That would be stupid of me and he's offerered to try and do that but no matter how much I would like for it to be that way, I can't accept it b/c I know he'll be the one unhappy trying to correct something that he doesn't even see as wrong in the first place.

 

 

Look at the underlined again, these are your words.

 

He knows you will get offended = he is trying to care about your feelings.

 

He tells you you are beautiful = he thinks you are beautiful.

 

He has offered to look at the floor the whole time = he really does understand your discomfort.

 

He doesn't even see it as wrong. OK given the above, he is really trying, I think to take note of your feelings on this issue.

 

I would ask you a set of questions. Do you think that you are trying to control his behavior? Is controlling how he acts important to you? Do you consider the act of looking at other women as cheating, or a prelude to cheating? When he tells you positive things about yourself do you believe him? What is your own self image like?

 

I don't know for sure but this sounds like an issue you have with yourself, and maybe I am totally wrong, I do feel as though it may be worthwhile for you to actually take a look at yourself. I am in no way being insulting or attacking you with this post. It seems from your post that he is trying to be mindful of the effect his behavior has on you, I feel you need to do the same, look at how your behavior effects him, and yourself. I get the feeling that he is not being lecherous towards other women. It is natural for men to look at women and vice versa.

[roxyg]

Look at the underlined again, these are your words.

 

He knows you will get offended = he is trying to care about your feelings.

 

He tells you you are beautiful = he thinks you are beautiful.

 

He has offered to look at the floor the whole time = he really does understand your discomfort.

 

He doesn't even see it as wrong. OK given the above, he is really trying, I think to take note of your feelings on this issue.

 

I would ask you a set of questions. Do you think that you are trying to control his behavior? Is controlling how he acts important to you? Do you consider the act of looking at other women as cheating, or a prelude to cheating? When he tells you positive things about yourself do you believe him? What is your own self image like?

 

I don't know for sure but this sounds like an issue you have with yourself, and maybe I am totally wrong, I do feel as though it may be worthwhile for you to actually take a look at yourself. I am in no way being insulting or attacking you with this post. It seems from your post that he is trying to be mindful of the effect his behavior has on you, I feel you need to do the same, look at how your behavior effects him, and yourself. I get the feeling that he is not being lecherous towards other women. It is natural for men to look at women and vice versa.

 

Great Posts! I feel a little insecurity when I see my fiance stare at other women, I know I do the same with guys, but I can't help but feel insecure about it. This really helped me to ask some questions with myself, and how I perceive "me"! Thanks a lot!

[purtyinpink_11]

Do you think that you are trying to control his behavior? No, not controlling just trying for him to see my point-of-view on it.

Is controlling how he acts important to you? He's grown enough to control his own actions and since according to him, his actions aren't wrong, well then there's nothing to control.

Do you consider the act of looking at other women as cheating, or a prelude to cheating? No I don't. I think it's more disrespectful than anything else.

When he tells you positive things about yourself do you believe him? Yes I do b/c he's the type of person that won't tell me something if it's not true but then again he doesn't tell me as often as I would like/need to hear them and I told him if he was a little more attentive in giving me compliments and making me feel on top of the world then maybe I wouldn't be so insecure.

What is your own self image like? I don't dislike the way I look, but everytime I see these pics of these girls I feel I'm in competition.

[Outcast]

but everytime I see these pics of these girls I feel I'm in competition.

 

Why why why why why why do sooooo many women assume their men love them solely for their looks and that any better-looking woman is a threat?

[JadeStar]

Why why why why why why do sooooo many women assume their men love them solely for their looks and that any better-looking woman is a threat?

 

 

I could be wrong but my guess would be low self esteem. I have known people who know they are pretty or goodllooking etc, but still have self esteem issues which may not come from looks alone but just how they view themselves as a person in general.

 

 

 

Jade

[Outcast]

But isn't an insult to your SO to think he only cares about your looks? Do so many women think so little of their men?

[witabix]

Do you think that you are trying to control his behavior? No, not controlling just trying for him to see my point-of-view on it.

 

"he feels uncomfortable telling me that he thinks some girl's shirt is nice or whatnot b/c he knows I'll get offended"

 

"He never compares me, ever"

 

"he's offerered to try and do that but no matter how much I would like for it to be that way, I can't accept it b/c I know he'll be the one unhappy trying to correct something that he doesn't even see as wrong in the first place"

 

Is controlling how he acts important to you? He's grown enough to control his own actions and since according to him, his actions aren't wrong, well then there's nothing to control.

 

Can you see the paradoxical nature of these observations in the light of the quoted responses above?

 

Do you consider the act of looking at other women as cheating, or a prelude to cheating? No I don't. I think it's more disrespectful than anything else.

 

I agree with this if it steps beyond certain boundaries. Which he doen't appear to do.

 

When he tells you positive things about yourself do you believe him? Yes I do b/c he's the type of person that won't tell me something if it's not true but then again he doesn't tell me as often as I would like/need to hear them and I told him if he was a little more attentive in giving me compliments and making me feel on top of the world then maybe I wouldn't be so insecure.

 

This is a seperate issue, you feel he doesn't pay you enough attention.

 

What is your own self image like? I don't dislike the way I look, but everytime I see these pics of these girls I feel I'm in competition.

 

This clearly annoys and upsets you, and you do have the right to feel which ever way you want to about it. Ultimately it is your choice to interpret his behavior as you wish to.

 

Imagine how you would feel if you decided that this behavior didn't bother you, or if you saw the women in pictures as just that, a piece of paper with dots of ink arranged in a shape that resembles a woman. Because that is all they are.

 

No one is perfect though. We have to live who we are too.

[JadeStar]

To the OP, let me share a litle story with you. I'm not saying this is the way it is with your b/f at all so please keep that in mind. However this is about a friend of mine who was in a similar situation about her husband looking at other women.

 

Ok a few years back I remember a friend of mine telling me about how her husband would look at other women when they would go out. He would do it right infront of her, didn't hide it or anything. He wasn't flirting, talking to them, etc, just looking. Even though she knew it was natural or human nature to look she couldn't figure out why he did it infront of her all the time, and thought it to be very disrespectful.

 

She called him out on it and asked him why did he do that. He played it off as all guys look etc and even told her she probably looked too. She told him she understood people look etc, but didn't understand why it was infront of her. It stayed this way for awhile. So, she finally had enough and talked to him into going to counseling to see if something else was going on. After a few counseling sessions took place, it finally came out in the open as to why he was "looking."

 

You may find this silly or odd but this is why (in their situation) Come to find out, he was purposly looking. He knew exactly what he was doing. Do you know why it was done on purpose? In counseling his wife discovered that her husband felt neglected by her, and that he felt they lost touch with each other. That he didn't feel really wanted/needed much. Was it wrong of him to purposly do it? Probably. He did it to get her ATTENTION. Kind of like a child will do. You know how sometimes children(even adult) will do something to get someones attention be it positive or negative? Well to some people negative attention is better than no attention at all.

 

He tried to do this to see if it would get her to notice. It worked for him. She did notice. She found out in counseling that she agreed they took each other for granted, that she didn't pay him no mind etc, until he started "looking" at others. Him looking at others got her attention to the point to where she thought she was going to lose him. He was never really interested in the people he was looking at, it was to see if she really cared. Yes it may have been wrong of him to do that but people will sometimes go to great lengths to do what they feel needs to be done, be it right or wrong.

 

Yes it may have been wrong of him to do. And had he communicated to his wife what he felt was lacking, they could have both maybe saved themselves a whole lot of aggrevation from the whole thing. He didn't tell her what he thought was lacking or what he needed from her etc. Nor did she because she felt things going ok.

 

I may be way off base with your situation, and what I just told you may not have a thing to do with nothing at all. I guess my main point was to let you know how important communication is about everything. Sometimes the littlest thing can set people off into a tail spin about something, when all along if they just look at the big picture, they might see what it is or why something is the way it is.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[RecordProducer]

I know EXACTLY how you feel! All that you described.

I gave him a hard time about it (a few times) and now I feel much better. I don't care who he looks at when he is not with me, but I had this feeling of seeing a hot girl in the street and thinking how he would be drooling over her if he saw her.

 

You know what? I've said my part and I want to see how much he cares about keeping me in love with him. I understand that there are many pretty women in this world, but if he is going to send the message "Wow! Baby, you are soooo hot!" to all of them with his look, HE will be the one to lose eventually!

 

There is only so much I can do ... sometimes.

 

Sit back and relax. Take his crap with whipped cream and pretend to enjoy it until you're sick of it and throw it all up!

 

What's the alternative? Nag and humiliate yourself? Nah ... you know better than that.

[witabix]

I know EXACTLY how you feel! All that you described.

I gave him a hard time about it (a few times) and now I feel much better. I don't care who he looks at when he is not with me, but I had this feeling of seeing a hot girl in the street and thinking how he would be drooling over her if he saw her.

 

You know what? I've said my part and I want to see how much he cares about keeping me in love with him. I understand that there are many pretty women in this world, but if he is going to send the message "Wow! Baby, you are soooo hot!" to all of them with his look, HE will be the one to lose eventually!

 

There is only so much I can do ... sometimes.

 

Sit back and relax. Take his crap with whipped cream and pretend to enjoy it until you're sick of it and throw it all up!

 

What's the alternative? Nag and humiliate yourself? Nah ... you know better than that.

 

Thats a self confident woman. Thats how it should be.

[purtyinpink_11]

I guess it's just in our nature...

[purtyinpink_11]

I never said that's all he cared about because that's not why he fell in love with me in the first place and I know that but obviously looks are important b/c if not why would he look?

[purtyinpink_11]

That really isn't the situation here, he has all the attention many men crave for. I couldn't make him feel more important. He's not an attention-seeker that's for sure. Thank you for sharing your story JadeStar. A lot of underlying issues can come up in counseling and we tried that once for a few sessions and all I can remember the therapist saying was that it's ok to look but back then, there were other things going on @ the same time that are not going on now.

[purtyinpink_11]

I know EXACTLY how you feel! All that you described.

I gave him a hard time about it (a few times) and now I feel much better. I don't care who he looks at when he is not with me,

but I had this feeling of seeing a hot girl in the street and thinking how he would be drooling over her if he saw her.

 

LOL...funny you say that b/c I think the same exact things. Even when I come accross a hot chick's picture online, I send it to him and I tell him to enjoy and you know what he reminds me of everytime I do that, that pictures don't do anything for him...go figure!

 

You know what? I've said my part and I want to see how much he cares about keeping me in love with him. I understand that there are many pretty women in this world, but if he is going to send the message "Wow! Baby, you are soooo hot!" to all of them with his look, HE will be the one to lose eventually!

 

There is only so much I can do ... sometimes.

 

Sit back and relax. Take his crap with whipped cream and pretend to enjoy it until you're sick of it and throw it all up!

Nicely put!

 

What's the alternative? Nag and humiliate yourself? Nah ... you know better than that.

 

I know and I told him today, I'm not going to kill myself over it anymore!

[purtyinpink_11]

Thats a self confident woman. Thats how it should be.

 

 

And one day I'll be that confident woman as well. Guess I have to go thru it first.

[High Contrast]

But isn't an insult to your SO to think he only cares about your looks? Do so many women think so little of their men?

 

I think it's projection. They are superficial people. Just like liars are suspicious, and cheaters are possessive. Doth complain too much!

[makaze]

But isn't an insult to your SO to think he only cares about your looks? Do so many women think so little of their men?

 

That's not the point. Everybody gets jealous if their SO seems to stare at someone you consider more attractive than you. It's so natural that it's ridiculous to go so deep to come to conclusions like those. Being aware that your partner loves you for more than your looks does not help here. You will always want to feel like number one when it comes to your SO. And yes, physically as well. Think if your girl drools over nicely built men but then says "Oh well...you may not be as attractive but you're more...interesting, yeah."

[Outcast]

You will always want to feel like number one when it comes to your SO. And yes, physically as well.

 

Nope. Don't need that. It would be craziness for me to want someone to think no body's finer. Clearly, there's always someone finer. I try not to want impossible things; it's too frustrating

[makaze]

Nope. Don't need that. It would be craziness for me to want someone to think no body's finer. Clearly, there's always someone finer. I try not to want impossible things; it's too frustrating

 

Well, depends on your standards then. I could never be with a guy who finds anybody else more attractive physically, I don't think I could ever feel comfortable enough with him.

 

It's not 'impossible' as you'd think.

[Outcast]

I could never be with a guy who finds anybody else more attractive physically,

 

Holy moly! Better poke his eyes out then! I agree he should want you more than anyone else but that's very different from thinking you are the most attractive female on the entire planet.

[makaze]

Holy moly! Better poke his eyes out then! I agree he should want you more than anyone else but that's very different from thinking you are the most attractive female on the entire planet.

 

No, I'm serious. Also, what we feel for someone affects what we think of their physical appearance. It surely is a nice feeling to be told by your partner that you are the most beautiful person in every way, and to know they mean it. And it happens...to people...in great relationships...a lot...it's not fiction.