How do you balance NC with out of sight out of mind?

[blue5000]

Okay, here is a quick question, if NC is used to get someone back (not to move on, it's a choice thing, no?), how do you balance this with out of sight out of mind? In other words, how do you stop your ex from forgetting about you when you want him to miss you?

 

For those out there who think NC is for moving on, I respect your thoughts, but I think NC can be used in other ways too.

[Ian7]

how do you stop your ex from forgetting about you when you want him to miss you?

You can't. I suppose thats what we hope will happen. You can't control someone else's feelings.

If they forget about you quickly then its for the best anyway surely.

 

You alluded to what the NC strategy is really for. It helps you deal with the situation whilst giving you the best chance of regaining some interest from your ex.

[grace2005]

Only if the ex still has feelings left for you will NC work as a reverse psychology tactic to draw them back. They will surely miss you if the feelings are there.

[CaliGuy]

If your ex has no feelings for you, NC will not get them back. It won't even get them interested. In fact, they'll probably be glad you never called.

 

It's not really meant to bring anyone back as much as it is used as a tool to heal yourself. You want to be free from them as soon as you can and the quickest way is to basically cut them out of your life.

 

And why not? They don't want you to be a part of theirs unless it's to their advantage. Don't give them the satisfaction.

[J dub]

If your ex has no feelings for you, NC will not get them back. It won't even get them interested. In fact, they'll probably be glad you never called.

 

It's not really meant to bring anyone back as much as it is used as a tool to heal yourself. You want to be free from them as soon as you can and the quickest way is to basically cut them out of your life.

 

And why not? They don't want you to be a part of theirs unless it's to their advantage. Don't give them the satisfaction.

 

CG totally nailed it. I agree

[blue5000]

Is it really so simple? There can be other circumstances/feelings, which will stop someone from coming back - fear, over analyzing, baggage, geographic location, etc. Do you think if someone misses/loves you and wants to give it another try, he/she would just call and state that? Aren't people scared of being vulnerable and/or rejected? Haven't you ever stopped yourself from doing this b/c too much time has gone by or you thought you would make a fool of yourself? I don't know; it seems like there can be so many factors...What if the person broke it off with you and might want to try again, but is afraid to hurt you again? I don't know. Thoughts?

[melon]

I totally understand what you are trying to say in the above post. My fear is exactly the same... that my ex would like to call (maybe not to get back together, but even to say hi or something) but is afraid. Afraid because of what happened last time, afraid because she doesn't know what she wants. She is super passive, and I know that at this point she won't call no matter how badly she wanted to. On the other hand, maybe she is glad we haven't talked in a while. All I know is that she isn't calling.

 

Neither am I. Do I think it could have worked? For sure. Do I think she made a big mistake? Absolutely. Do I think it could work in the future? Yes. But at some point you've got to understand that if it was meant to be it will happen. Nothing I can do will bring her back. If it ever comes back around it will be fate.

[melon]

How long have you been broken up? What were the circumstances? Evry situation is different.

[grace2005]

I think every situation is different. Had I applied strict NC for too long with my ex I would not have been back with her a month ago. (I ended the relationship last night) I had to make 1 phone call after a 25 day period of NC to signal to her that my door is still open. Why? Because she did try to call me a couple times during the 25 day period but I ignored the calls. I think possibly she was afraid during that time to reach out or embarrassed. I don't know. It's all in the past now. I dumped her last night and I'm applying strict NC with her and all women in general so I can get over her and finally get use to being alone and not have to worry about getting hurt again.

[blue5000]

How long have you been broken up? What were the circumstances? Evry situation is different.

 

We have been broken up for nine months, but we haven't gone more than one month without talking. We broke up b/c, well...to make a long story short, I lost two members of my immediate family and I went into a downward spiral. I'm not sure I could have handled it any differently, but I used my ex as a punching bag. I was angry at the world and I took it out on him. To his credit, he got me through the whole ordeal. I really don't know what I would have done without him. In the midst of my grieving, I needed to feel secure, so I also kept pushing for a bigger commitment. This was despite the fact that our relationships was in no state to move forward. All I could do was irrationally push, while at the same time pick fights with him all the time. I was just a mess. Again, to his credit, he tried really hard to tell me that we needed time to get back on our feet, to take care of me, to just be there, etc. but I didn't hear any of it. I just kept pushing, thinking that if we got marrried it would fix me. I treated him horribly and said the most awful things. I look back at our relationship and see this wonderful person who got me through the hardest time in my life. I keep replaying how mean I was and can't let go of the regret I ahve. And I know he must look back and see how abusive I was, how I fought with him constantly, how I kept pushing him, and how his needs were completely ignored.

 

I think he feels guilty that he couldn't stick it out with me givin' everything I had been through. Him leaving was what made me snap out of my grief, go to therapy, get a job again (I took time off), depend on myself, etc. We needed to seperate, but I want US to benefit from all I/he learned not someone else. I think he's afraid we might fall back into the same patterns, for me to depend on him for everything, and, since he witnessed that I completely bottomed-out after we broke up, dosen't want to take the risk of having that happen again. Now, I want to try again, without all the complications...just to see if it was the circumstances of my life or us. I just want one little chance...

[dprelz]

I totally understand what you are trying to say in the above post. My fear is exactly the same... that my ex would like to call (maybe not to get back together, but even to say hi or something) but is afraid. Afraid because of what happened last time, afraid because she doesn't know what she wants. She is super passive, and I know that at this point she won't call no matter how badly she wanted to. On the other hand, maybe she is glad we haven't talked in a while. All I know is that she isn't calling.

 

Neither am I. Do I think it could have worked? For sure. Do I think she made a big mistake? Absolutely. Do I think it could work in the future? Yes. But at some point you've got to understand that if it was meant to be it will happen. Nothing I can do will bring her back. If it ever comes back around it will be fate.

 

This is exactly where I am at right now. It's a wierd spot

[J dub]

IF they even want you back (huge IF), which you dont even know - (its purely speculation at this point), they will let you know. Think about it...if you made a mistake and left someone but want them back...you'd be a little hesitant to admit your fault and try again, but you'd do it! You'd do whatever it took to show them youre ready again. They, too will show you if thats the case. Theyre not timid little puppies like you are making them out to be. They are the ones who had no problem throwing you to the wolves when all you wanted to do was love them.

 

In the meantime, you are playing the "What if" games and that should be for your mother to worry about. There are more important things going on here than what they are doing or not doing, like getting yourself back to healing.

 

Someone on here once said, worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair: something to do, but gets you nowhere.

 

[grace2005]

I could not continue a relationship with someone if I lost a member of my family. That's just the way I grieve. I go to my cave for an indefinite period of time. That's how it was when I lost my brother.

[blue5000]

Think about it...if you made a mistake and left someone but want them back...you'd be a little hesitant to admit your fault and try again, but you'd do it! You'd do whatever it took to show them youre ready again. They, too will show you if thats the case.

 

But, I was the one who made the mistakes. Grace2005 is probably right; I should have taken some time on my own. This at least would have prevented me from using my ex as a punching bag. So, that said, shouldn't I be doing whatever is takes to show him I'm ready??

[J dub]

But, I was the one who made the mistakes. Grace2005 is probably right; I should have taken some time on my own. This at least would have prevented me from using my ex as a punching bag. So, that said, shouldn't I be doing whatever is takes to show him I'm ready??

I'm not sure you are familiar with Grace's terminology he is using, but the term "cave" is a term coined my the man who wrote "men are from mars: women are from venus" (might wanna scoop it up for a quick read for more info). The situation here doesnt necessarily apply to Graces' comment because Grace is a guy, therefore he would go into his "cave" (needing time by himself).

 

You, on the other hand, needed all the help and love you could get, but your bf couldnt do the job. You are a female and you craved the love and support you needed from your greiving situation. True to form, its circumstantial and sometimes women and men reverse roles (ie, the men need the support and women go in to their "cave" to deal with the situation)...however it seems your problem went accordingly with the standard idea that you simply needed reassurance and love to get thru this time of pain (the loss of a loved one).

 

He left you, which to me means he should be the one coming back. you cant really "come back" to him if you didnt leave, technically speaking.

 

If youve maintained contact with him and nothing has progressed (relationship wise) then youre going in circles by continuing this road to nowhere.

 

You need to demonstrate your strength and that youre NOT as needy and self loathing as you previously showed him. And, with that, means you really should maintain NC with this guy. For your well being, sanity, and for him to get a clear perspective.

 

I am sensing here that youre not necessarily seeking advice, but rather support in your decision to "show" your ex how you've changed. I cannot offer that suggestion as I think it would be counteractive, however ...as they say, you can only lead the horse to water...

[melon]

If youve maintained contact with him and nothing has progressed (relationship wise) then youre going in circles by continuing this road to nowhere.

 

I agree with this totally. If you've maintained contact with him and nothing has happened then move on.

 

If you haven't talked in a while and are fishing for a way to regain contact beware that it could go badly. Do you really want to take the risk of being rejected again? Maybe it's worth it to you... only you can answer that question. You will do what you will, and I wouldn't say it would be a bad idea to try to reopen contact. But like I said, only do so if you accept the risk and with the understanding that in the long run your decision is far more likely to bring you back to the begining of the end than the begining of the begining.

 

If you go through with it, wait until the holidays have passed. Also, be super casual and don't expect a response. Give it one chance and if you don't get a response you've got your answer. I suspect this will be hard to follow though on. I don't have the self control to do it as it would need to be done.

 

My recommendation; don't do it. Stay strong. But understand nobody will pass judgement on you for breaking NC. We've all done it at some point. Post your decision and actions. I'm curious how this will pan out.

[blue5000]

I am sensing here that youre not necessarily seeking advice, but rather support in your decision to "show" your ex how you've changed. I cannot offer that suggestion as I think it would be counteractive, however ...as they say, you can only lead the horse to water...

 

Actually, I am seeking advice. I think more then anything, I'm having a hard time letting go of the guilt. The guilt of treating someone who was only trying to help me so terribly. I just want to make up for my past behaviors somehow. How do you let go of the fact that you ruined a very good thing?

[blue5000]

. Afraid because of what happened last time, afraid because she doesn't know what she wants.

 

Doesn't that make you, so confused? How does someone not know what he/she wants? And, for arugument sakes, let's say they don't - 50% either way. Why wouldn't someone choose to be with you than be alone? Why wouldn't someone just try to see what happens?

[blue5000]

Give it one chance and if you don't get a response you've got your answer. I suspect this will be hard to follow though on. I don't have the self control to do it as it would need to be done.

 

It is very hard to follow. I don't have the self-control either.

[blue5000]

And another thing, why can't my ex just say he doesn't want to be with me? Don't men realize that it's the best way to end a relationship? It gives you no hope. You're forced to move on.

[J dub]

>I'm having a hard time letting go of the guilt.

 

This is a normal step in losing a loved one, it sucks...but its normal.

 

>The guilt of treating someone who was only trying to help me so terribly.

 

You sound like maybe youre going thru the "if I had only...." stage right now. Trying to negotiate terms on what went wrong.

 

>I just want to make up for my past behaviors somehow. How do you let go of the fact that you ruined a very good thing?

 

Unfortunately, there just isnt a way to do that. You can apologize and extend your deep regrets, but thats it. Besides that, the best thing is to take it as a lesson learned and promise yourself to never make that mistake again.

 

Often, it takes a massive misjudgement to make us realize what we were doing wrong.

 

 

>Why wouldn't someone choose to be with you than be alone?

 

It has been said that people think its easier to stay in a bad relationship than to end it and start all over. I think its very true...In this case, maybe your ex just needs time to himself and doesnt see it as being afraid to be on his own. I am not sure, just speculation.

 

 

>Why wouldn't someone just try to see what happens?

 

People are deathly afraid of wasting time on someone who isnt worth it. Weird as it sounds, if he thinks its not going to work, he wont bother. It makes sense when you really dig into the ramifications of sticking with a lost cause (no offense, thats not directed at you just a general statement that we often think when we are thru with someone).

 

>why can't my ex just say he doesn't want to be with me?

 

I once read somewhere that a man would rather chew off his own arm that to hurt a woman by saying something harsh...especially a woman he still has love in his heart for. Once you love someone, there's always going to be a soft spot for them, believe it or not.

 

>Don't men realize that it's the best way to end a relationship?

 

Maybe they do, but they dont say it so as to not burn any bridges? I think every single one of my ex's came back to me at some point or another. Its something about the familiar atmosphere, almost "home" or something.

 

I know youre having a hard time with this, I feel for you I really do. Trying to dissect the relationship and what went wrong is a typical thing we do to understand our actions and emotions. Unfortunately, it also can be a dead end because we may never know what the other was/is thinking. Sometimes even THEY dont know

 

Hang in there sister. Its just a period of greiving youre enduring...

[blue5000]

J dub, thanks for the thoughtful and wise words. Thanks to everyone.

 

I think I am dissecting my relationship, realizing how I made mistakes, feeling ****ty about it, and wishing I could magically turn the clock back. Regrets suck! I also can't help wondering whether if we met now, after I went through my mourning, things wouldn't be different. My ex and I both agree that we're compatible, but, maybe, the damage has been done. The cuts might run too deep. I am so horrible with the unknown, with the shades of gray. Perhaps, I don't know when to give up, when to say -- okay, I apologized for my actions, but he's choosing not to accept. In a weird way, I feel like I'm giving up b/c I was the one who was abusive, so I feel like I should move heaven and earth to show him how things could be different, how I can be different. I feel when I give up, when I instill NC, I have given up on us b/c I feel like the burden lies with me to fight for us. He fought for us when we were together, when I was grieving, when I couldn't give anything, he stayed, keeping things going pretty much on his own.

[masie]

Blue -- I feel your pain. You're saying exactly what I feel about the "shades of gray" and every relationship is different, and no one else outside of it knows the feelings or details or words that were exchanged.

 

Though it's not guaranteed to say it can work out, your situation is different because you do have the losses you've dealt with as reasons behind your behavior.

 

Perhaps tell the guy that you would like him in your life somehow, and maybe time will reveal that. Tell him that you hope you haven't hurt him too badly, but that you are feeling stronger now and really feel he's a great person worth getting to know and staying in touch with.

 

That's all harmless to say.

[blue5000]

Blue -- I feel your pain. You're saying exactly what I feel about the "shades of gray" and every relationship is different, and no one else outside of it knows the feelings or details or words that were exchanged.

 

I do hate the shade of gray. It's so much harder to move on when you think there may still be hope.

 

Perhaps tell the guy that you would like him in your life somehow, and maybe time will reveal that. Tell him that you hope you haven't hurt him too badly, but that you are feeling stronger now and really feel he's a great person worth getting to know and staying in touch with.

 

I have told him. I've told him that I want to try again, several times actually. I think I might have hurt him too deeply. I wouldn't want to get back with me if I were him. It's just really hard to accept the fact that I hurt a wonderful man and ruined a beautiful relationship.

[masie]

Someone once told me that if you stay in a person's life over the long term, there's a possibility that you might grow to care for them. Even if you didn't like them at first, had no chemistry or barely knew them.

 

That's happened with me twice. A co-worker of mine is dating another co-worker that a year ago, she was trying to help find dates for. So, who knows?

 

Don't get your hopes high, but if he's important to you, keep him in your life.