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[Donburi]

Hi LoveShack, its me again.

Well, for the past few weeks, I've been trying to act pleasant, and not talk about the relationship, because it was obvious it bothered my ex. Things seemed to have gotten better between us, he invites me to hang out more often, I've been spending the night more (we don't fool around or anything, heck we sleep in different areas!) But back to the point, things seem to be getting better over these past few months.

 

A few days ago, I found myself feeling depressed. I couldn't keep up with the "I'm fine being just friends, everything is ok!" act. It hurt to be around him and not BE with him. I was proud of myself for doing so though, because usually I always ended up talking about us and asking him a million questions in a immature way.

 

Well, last night I talked to him about it. I told him it hurt too much, and that I wish he had any answer to give me, good or bad. To tell me anything, if he was leaning towards one choice over another, if things were getting better or worse, etc. It has been almost 8 months now, and I just needed to know anything. To know if I was wasting my time. I also expressed how it hurt my feelings that he "flirted" with girls (he has recently made a few female friends, they are either taken or too young so I really don't have anything to worry about...I think...) and he did this right in front of me. Most of these girls work at the mall and whenever we hang out he always has to go there for whatever reason, and spends like 15 mins in each of their stores talking to them. Perhaps I am over reacting.

 

He gave me the usual answer, that he still is unsure of what will happen between us and that those girls are just friends, nothing more. We somehow got into the topic of us, and our behaviors a few days before the incident. I feel it is important that if we do get back together, we need to work on our problems, so I listed what we BOTH needed to work on. I said since I'm the one at fault for this breakup I need to do the most improving but that you need to pay attention to me more (he is obsessed with videogames.) He got a bit peeved at this and said he tried mending things when things were getting crappy (this is when I started hanging out with the guy more, because my ex didn't seem to have time for me. If some of you don't know my story, I cheated. ) I felt that he only started to show interest in me when I started paying attention to someone else, and that hurt, because I wanted his sudden "attention" for me to be out of love, not jealousy. He insisted it wasn't, and suddenly signed off, saying "I've had enough, if you ever want to try to win me back, you have to go the complete opposte way." What does that mean? Was it wrong of me to point out BOTH of our faults? This was the few times where I was able to act maturely when talking about "us" too...

 

I didn't call or anything, which probably surprised him because usually I would. This morning I found this message on myspace.

 

 

Alright, now just listen.

This whole thing is a mess, and every time it gets better, something goes wrong and it all goes back to this crappy state.

I don't want to fight, because I still lwant to be friends. I don't know what you're trying to accomplish by asking for an answer and then telling me how ****ty I was about everything. If that's the case, it sounds like you've made your decision. If that's not the case, then you have a weird way of saying you want me to take you back. Either way, it doesn't help. If you want to talk to me, give me a call or something, but we need to clear this up somehow.

 

Let me know.

 

 

What does this all mean? What can I do? I really don't think I made him feel like a bad bf...

 

I typed this in a hurry because I have to go to work, so I apologize if some things don't make sense or if there are any typos. Thank you for reading.

[CaliGuy]

Well, last night I talked to him about it. I told him it hurt too much, and that I wish he had any answer to give me, good or bad. To tell me anything, if he was leaning towards one choice over another, if things were getting better or worse, etc.

 

Unfortunately if you back someone into a corner the answer you will most likely receive is not the one you want. I was in the same position with my Ex. Eight months of ???'s wondering if she was ever going to come around. When she started dating other men, I got the message. I hung on about 7 months, 3 weeks and 6 days too long.

 

 

It has been almost 8 months now, and I just needed to know anything.

 

The answer then is obvious. At eight months, it's "I don't want you." I hate to sound so cold, but when you think about it, it shouldn't take someone eight months to decide if they still want you. I believe he is stringing you along until he finds someone better, then he'll cut the strings.

 

My question to you is the same I have been asking myself just recently: "Why settle for crumbs of her attention when I can be with someone who gives me the entire meal?!" Ask yourself why you are hanging around to get bits and pieces of someone when they really just want you around when it's convenient for them??

 

 

To know if I was wasting my time.

 

Only you can answer that but think about it. Eight months of torturing yourself wondering if he was ever going to come around. Why put yourself through hell for him?

 

He gave me the usual answer, that he still is unsure of what will happen between us and that those girls are just friends, nothing more. We somehow got into the topic of us, and our behaviors a few days before the incident. I feel it is important that if we do get back together, we need to work on our problems, so I listed what we BOTH needed to work on. I said since I'm the one at fault for this breakup I need to do the most improving but that you need to pay attention to me more (he is obsessed with videogames.) He got a bit peeved at this and said he tried mending things when things were getting crappy (this is when I started hanging out with the guy more, because my ex didn't seem to have time for me. If some of you don't know my story, I cheated. )

 

In that case, he will have a hard time trusting you again. He may never trust you. You have to be willing to accept that, learn from your mistakes and move on. It seems you are trying to patch a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to interested in patching things up.

 

His ego is damaged. When he sees you, he remembers that you cheated on him. He is trying to deal with that right now and in eight months he's not clamoring to have you back. I think the choice is obvious. Leave him be, focus on improving yourself and accept the fact it's over. Once you do, you'll be better able to handle a new relationship. The bonus is, if he comes around, he'll let you know.

 

Them coming to you is ideal. You going to them is futile.

 

wasn't, and suddenly signed off, saying "I've had enough, if you ever want to try to win me back, you have to go the complete opposte way." What does that mean? Was it wrong of me to point out BOTH of our faults? This was the few times where I was able to act maturely when talking about "us" too...

 

You cheated on him. His ego is bruised and I seriously doubt you'll be able to change enough in his mind to make him come around.

 

 

What does this all mean? What can I do? I really don't think I made him feel like a bad bf...

 

You want him back right? Ask yourself "Why should he take me back? I cheated on him and he is hurt." Understand that cheating is the absolute worst thing you can do to someone. You basically told him that he isn't good enough for you when you cheated and some people can just never forgive you for that.

 

Go into NC mode. If he changes his mind, it will be long after you've improved yourself. The best seeds are planted within, not on someone else's doorstep. Learn and grow from this experience. Leave him alone and focus on yourself.

 

That's all you can control right now. You can do nothing to change his mind while you are busy trying to fix something in him that only time and distance has the possibility of curing.

[Donburi]

Thanks for replying, CaliGuy. I've read other posts on here, and it seems like you give good advice, so I appreciate it.

 

So, it seems like you went through a similiar situation...waited more than half a year for someone for nothing...May I ask, what was her behavior like during these months? Did she give you some hope? Did her behavior change? Did you two hang out alot, talk about the relationship? Any information would be helpful...

 

It just hurts because he seems to have gotten better recently. The first 3 to 4 months he was still pretty distant from me, and we didn't hang out nearly as much. As he even mentioned in the message, "every time it gets better, something goes wrong and it all goes back to this crappy state". Maybe I am just reading too much into it.

 

Sometimes he even acts like his old self too, but that could be just from old habits (even though he JUST started doing these things again...) I'm pretty sure I heard him call me the pet name that he used to use (not too sure though, we were in our friend's car and the music was loud) and actually calls me "tiny" alot now too (he started doing that about two months ago), which I'm not too sure if it counts as an affectionate name, but something he definitely called me alot while we were together...

 

I almost sometimes feel like I am in more pain than I was the first few months, because of these little things he is doing, I am getting hopeful, but whenever we talk about "us" he is still saying the same things...

 

I don't understand his comment about me going the complete opposite way in order to try to win him back. What exactly is he asking me to do? I've done the begging and pleading, I've attempted NC but he either calls or initiates aim conversations, and recently I've tried being a buddy and just not worrying about anything but nothing seems to get me anywhere.

 

Deep down inside I know NC is the only way to go. I told him it would be so much easier for me to move on if he could just say the words "its over between us" but he says he can't do it (but he can't say we will work things out, either). Though I am the one deciding to do this, I feel so stuck...

 

Am I being selfish, asking for an answer? I need to know...Is it selfish of me to say if we were to get back together that we BOTH need to work on things? Sometimes I get the feeling that I am the one who has to fix everything and that there is nothing he needs to change about himself. I want to earn his trust and forgiveness, and I believe I can, and I know overall I need to do the most improving but I believe that he has to change some things, too. Otherwise the relationship wouldn't be fair...right? He would be allowed to play his videogames all day without even talking to me and I would have to accept it because I cheated...maybe I am being selfish, maybe that is the way it has to be...I really don't know.

 

Not sure if this means anything either, but his parents still think we're dating, I guess he hasn't told them. He is pretty close to them so I was a bit surprised to find that out. Actually, I asked about it a while ago and he said he didn't want to worry them...huh. I think his parents like me alot, I've known them for about 3 years now.

 

He is also still giving me the same answer that he will be ready to date after moving to Japan, we will both be moving there about next summer. I wonder if he has it in him to string me along til the day we move, and then decides to say goodbye right there. But, he was probably wondering the same thing about me cheating...thats karma for you.

[CaliGuy]

May I ask, what was her behavior like during these months? Did she give you some hope? Did her behavior change? Did you two hang out alot, talk about the relationship? Any information would be helpful...

 

During the time between dating she never called. Rarely emailed. She had me in ICGAS mode (I could give a s**t). She had her heart set on another guy and when he blew her off, she came back to me. Then after a month of blissful dating I made the mistake of talking about "us." That sent her into a tither and she broke things off, again. She lived with me for two more months and it was pure hell. I finally booted her out when she started having her new guy pick her up for dates - AT MY HOUSE! Oh heck no, I wasn't having any of that.

 

I finally forced her to tell me what she didn't like about me then I accepted that. Frankly, I believe she is shallow. She doesn't care about a great heart, she wants a big musclebound dude. That's not me. She's confused and doesn't really know what she wants. She knows I treated her better than any man and admits I have a lot of qualities she wants in a husband, but still, she's chasing looks and wants to be with a man that won't put any pressure to take it further than dating. That also wasn't me.

 

As he even mentioned in the message, "every time it gets better, something goes wrong and it all goes back to this crappy state". Maybe I am just reading too much into it.

 

I think he doesn't trust you and harbors resentment for what happened. He's not going to get over it easy and any pressure to date will push him away. It's kind of a weird reverse psychology. People naturally want what they can't have. You're giving him something that's too easy to get right now. Add in the distrust and it's pretty cut and dry what's happening here. Let him be. Let him come to his own conclusions.

 

I almost sometimes feel like I am in more pain than I was the first few months, because of these little things he is doing, I am getting hopeful, but whenever we talk about "us" he is still saying the same things...

 

As long as you continue to hang around and cling to hope when he isn't moving forward you will continue to wallow around. Own up to what happened, accept that he feels this way and then implement NC. If he truly wants you back, in his heart, he will stop at nothing to win you over. But right now that's not what he wants and you hanging around is only keeping him at a distance.

 

The best thing to do when someone is pulling away from you is to pull back as well. Give him his breathing space. Let him figure out what he wants. Like I said, if it's you he will make it well known. If not you will already be on the road to recovery.

 

I don't understand his comment about me going the complete opposite way in order to try to win him back. What exactly is he asking me to do? I've done the begging and pleading, I've attempted NC but he either calls or initiates aim conversations, and recently I've tried being a buddy and just not worrying about anything but nothing seems to get me anywhere.

 

He is perhaps saying your trying too hard. He thinks you've done a complete 180, or at least it looks that way to him and he doesn't buy that it's real.

 

Deep down inside I know NC is the only way to go.

 

Then stop listening to your heart and start listening to your head. Your brain is normally not irrational but your heart very much is so.

 

Implement NC, heal up and roll the dice. That's the only way to go. Don't force it with him or I promise you will regret it.

 

I told him it would be so much easier for me to move on if he could just say the words "its over between us" but he says he can't do it (but he can't say we will work things out, either). Though I am the one deciding to do this, I feel so stuck...

 

Tell me something, do you find a man who is "wishy washy" and can't make decisions sexy or attractive? This is a complete turn off to me when a woman does it, it must be 10x worse when a man does it.

 

Am I being selfish, asking for an answer?

 

No, quite honestly your being pesky. You already know the answer. "If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice." He hasn't chosen to get back after eight months so to me at least, to a bystander, the answer is obviously no.

 

I need to know...Is it selfish of me to say if we were to get back together that we BOTH need to work on things?

 

Maybe he doesn't think he needs to work on anything.

 

Sometimes I get the feeling that I am the one who has to fix everything and that there is nothing he needs to change about himself.

 

If he hasn't changed at all then he's saying exactly that.

 

 

I want to earn his trust and forgiveness, and I believe I can, and I know overall I need to do the most improving but I believe that he has to change some things, too. Otherwise the relationship wouldn't be fair...right? He would be allowed to play his videogames all day without even talking to me and I would have to accept it because I cheated...maybe I am being selfish, maybe that is the way it has to be...I really don't know.

 

I think you want him back more or less because he's rejected you. Your ego has taken a blow, but trust me, what you're describing to me makes me beg to ask why you want him? Video games all day? Wishy washy? Won't admit he can improve in some areas. Does he have direction and goals in his life? What makes you want this man so badly?

 

He is also still giving me the same answer that he will be ready to date after moving to Japan, we will both be moving there about next summer. I wonder if he has it in him to string me along til the day we move, and then decides to say goodbye right there. But, he was probably wondering the same thing about me cheating...thats karma for you.

 

You cheated and he will never forget that. Yes, the pain will ease but the scar will always be there.

 

My advice? Go full NC, heal up and take some time off. After you're over him, start dating other guys. It's so much easier to start fresh than try and fix a broken relationship where trust has been severely compromised. Cheating destroys marriages, surely a dating couple can be destroyed even easier.

 

I hope my answers don't come off too harsh, but it's a bit easier to see things based on what you said because I don't have my heart making decisions for me and that's what your dealing with right now.

[Donburi]

Your answers aren't harsh, I appreciate the honesty very much. Yes, I'm sure I'm clouded by my emotions so having input from an outsider is well needed.

 

He asked me to call him to figure things out but I'm not sure if I should. I know his answer, I have been hearing it for 8 months.

 

One of the things I am worried about doing NC, besides having the strength to do it, is what if deep down inside he does want to take me back someday? He has no reason to be in a hurry to do so, because during all this time, I have made it very clear that I want him, from all the begging, crying, etc. I am afraid, if I do NC, he will think that since I did not wait for him to heal, after I cheated no less, that I do not deserve to have him back. I think he believes in some kind of punishment, he actually said there needs to be some kind of consequence, so if I leave, he might decide that I did not have the heart to wait for him to heal and that I am no longer worthy of a second chance. Maybe thats just my paranoid mind speaking.

 

You asked why I would want a "wishy washy" gamer. It does bother me that he is unsure of anything, but I am just hoping he is telling the truth, that he truly is confused, and not actually just trying to delay the dreaded answer.

He does have goals...he wants to be videogame designer:o . So that is why he is moving to Japan. I'm moving there because I love it there, (I'm half japanese) and am interested in working on my artwork out there. I don't mean to make him sound as bad as I do. We had been together for 3 1/2 years, so things are bound to get stale. He started playing more and more games, and I began to pester him, suffocate him. Bad combo. The more I begged, the more distant he got. We were both at fault. I needed to let him have alone time sometimes, and he needed to spend more quality time with me. The first 2 years he was truly the perfect boyfriend...caring, kind, attentive, and so forth.

 

I truly believe that if we work on these things we can have a good relationship. I wish I had the chance to show him.

 

So, I'm mostly concerned about how NC will affect his decision IF he did plan on giving me another chance in the future. I don't want to screw up any more than I already have. Does it kind of make sense? If I did NC, why would he fight to have me if I was the one who betrayed him? Like you said, his ego is already damaged...well, thanks for reading. Any more advice would be great.

[CaliGuy]

He asked me to call him to figure things out but I'm not sure if I should. I know his answer, I have been hearing it for 8 months.

 

When your head clears, you'll see the message was very clear the whole time.

 

One of the things I am worried about doing NC, besides having the strength to do it, is what if deep down inside he does want to take me back someday?

 

Simple answer: That's a risk he'll have to take for being wishy washy. If, in the interim you find someone better than him, you win. If you don't and he's truly changed and you want him back, you win again. Things aren't as bad as they seem when you take a step back and think about it without letting your heart decide.

 

He has no reason to be in a hurry to do so, because during all this time, I have made it very clear that I want him, from all the begging, crying, etc.

 

Understand when you display these emotions you are telling him you can't live without him (you can, trust me) and you give all the power to him. No contact allows you to take back your power and gain your self-respect and confidence back. Believe me, if he wants you back, he will make it clear to you. And probably right when you find someone else. That's how it works

 

I am afraid, if I do NC, he will think that since I did not wait for him to heal, after I cheated no less, that I do not deserve to have him back. I think he believes in some kind of punishment, he actually said there needs to be some kind of consequence, so if I leave, he might decide that I did not have the heart to wait for him to heal and that I am no longer worthy of a second chance. Maybe thats just my paranoid mind speaking.

 

Don't agonize over things you can not control. And you can't control what he is thinking. If you stop contacting him, he'll start wondering what's going on. He may even worry that he's lost you since you're no longer begging for his affection. Ignorning someone is a powerful tool. It doesn't always work, true, but the benefits are to you in both aspects. He either comes back or you heal and find someone new, possibly better for you.

 

Win/Win wouldn't you agree?

 

You asked why I would want a "wishy washy" gamer. It does bother me that he is unsure of anything, but I am just hoping he is telling the truth, that he truly is confused, and not actually just trying to delay the dreaded answer.

 

He did give you an answer. Eight months of riding the fence is the same as saying NO. The results are exactly the same except by riding the fence he keeps you clinging to a thin line of hope. He throws you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you around, but still at arms length. Why allow yourself to be put in that position?

 

He does have goals...he wants to be videogame designer:o

 

You think he plays too much now, just wait. Haha.

 

I began to pester him, suffocate him. Bad combo. The more I begged, the more distant he got.

 

Great example of why clinging pushes people away.

 

I truly believe that if we work on these things we can have a good relationship. I wish I had the chance to show him.

 

You believe that, he doesn't right now.

 

So, I'm mostly concerned about how NC will affect his decision IF he did plan on giving me another chance in the future.

 

No contact is to allow you to heal. That is the primary reason for it. There's no guarantee he'll come back. But you're going nowhere now, so if you want to shake things up, take some time to heal yourself and reflect on the things you did wrong. If he comes back, great for you. If not, you'll be healed up and have someone else. Win/Win, remember?

 

I don't want to screw up any more than I already have. Does it kind of make sense? If I did NC, why would he fight to have me if I was the one who betrayed him? Like you said, his ego is already damaged...well, thanks for reading. Any more advice would be great.

 

Nothing is guaranteed except that if you continue on the path you're on now you will stay in this rut. So now you need to make a decision: "Do I stay in this rut or do I dig myself out?" If you want to force a decision on him, you do it not by SAYING but by DOING. Do start no contact and stick to your guns. The effect won't happen right away but gradually as he sees you are pulling away from him he either is relieved (and you move on) or he starts sniffing around again.

 

Bad analogy but why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? You're giving him the milk (attention) and so he doesn't have to do a thing to get you to fall all over him. He knows that by acting like he doesn't care that it drives you to your knees for him.

 

Knowing what he is doing to you is working on you, wouldn't implementing NC on your part make sense? He will miss you and honestly, when NC is truly implemented they eventually sniff around and test your resolve. If you jump at the first bite, he'll back off.

 

The old adage "good things come to those that wait" and "patience is a virtue" come to mind. Both are necessary for NC as well as stern resolve. If you feel you deserve a chance, don't beg for it. Heal yourself, slay your own personal demons and you'll sprout forth a better person and in better shape for a second chance (if it happens) or someone new will come along and knock your socks off.

 

Good luck.

[J dub]

Donburi,

 

I think you have a really great shot here. I mean, like better than most who want a second chance. I dont want to provide false hope but I've learned the hard way that men fall in love with their women in the space the woman provides them. Meaning, it seems to be the simple answer here is to just go to NC and see what happens. In the meantime, you'll be working on yourself which I think is always a plus. you'll give yourself a chance to see this situation for what it really is (hindsight is 20/20, really it is) and finally it'll REALLY get his attention because he will wonder "Oh my god, shes gone...whos she with? did she meet someone? Did I scare her away? What have I done????"

 

You still have his attention and you are in the driver's seat. I seriously think you have potential here to make things work, but you have to be very diligent and step away from him. Disappear. You'll see, in a few weeks time he is going to FREAK OUT wondering what happened. And, if I am wrong and he doesnt, at least you've had the chance to work on yourself and who knows at that point you might think, meh...I dont really want him so bad anymore anyway

 

Youve been around long enough that he expects you to remain there. Shock him, the shock tactic always works if you ask me. So far what youve done (waited) hasnt panned out much benefits, so changing the situation will either a) show you he has to have you or b) show you he wasnt worth it.

 

I know everyone says that NC is for moving on and I believe that as well, but in this case perhaps theres more to the situation and it'll work in your favor two-fold.

 

Do it sister. Come here and vent away all you need to, but dont contact him. This will get his attention better than any amount of questions or heart felt talks EVER have

[RecordProducer]

The point is: when you want somebody back, you are expected to do all the ass-kissing. You apologize, you make promises (you're not sure you can keep), you beg, cry, go out of your way to please the other one...

 

The receiver is allowed to be cocky, arogant, wrong, mean, attack you, etc. Of course, I am exaggerating, but you get the picture. In your case, you want him back and he is not sure. So by attacking his previous behavior, you're only letting him know that YOU won't change, but you want HIM to change too (which is true!).

 

So if your goal is not to make him say "yes" then walk away when you want to work on your issues, I think you should back off and accept the break-up. If he wants to be friends, you can be friends, but cut this you-are-welcome-to-walk-all-over-me service you're providing him with.

 

Show him that you CAN and WILL manage without him if that's what he wants. If he loves you, he will come around. But by asking him to make up his mind as soon as possible, you're practically begging him to be with you. That's a very ungrateful position for achieving any changes in your favor.

[Donburi]

Donburi,

 

I think you have a really great shot here. I mean, like better than most who want a second chance. I dont want to provide false hope but I've learned the hard way that men fall in love with their women in the space the woman provides them. Meaning, it seems to be the simple answer here is to just go to NC and see what happens. In the meantime, you'll be working on yourself which I think is always a plus. you'll give yourself a chance to see this situation for what it really is (hindsight is 20/20, really it is) and finally it'll REALLY get his attention because he will wonder "Oh my god, shes gone...whos she with? did she meet someone? Did I scare her away? What have I done????"

 

You still have his attention and you are in the driver's seat. I seriously think you have potential here to make things work, but you have to be very diligent and step away from him. Disappear. You'll see, in a few weeks time he is going to FREAK OUT wondering what happened. And, if I am wrong and he doesnt, at least you've had the chance to work on yourself and who knows at that point you might think, meh...I dont really want him so bad anymore anyway

 

Youve been around long enough that he expects you to remain there. Shock him, the shock tactic always works if you ask me. So far what youve done (waited) hasnt panned out much benefits, so changing the situation will either a) show you he has to have you or b) show you he wasnt worth it.

 

I know everyone says that NC is for moving on and I believe that as well, but in this case perhaps theres more to the situation and it'll work in your favor two-fold.

 

Do it sister. Come here and vent away all you need to, but dont contact him. This will get his attention better than any amount of questions or heart felt talks EVER have

 

Wow...really? Do you really think so? This truly means so much to read. You seem like a such wise woman with a good head on her shoulders. And I've read alot of your comments on other posts too, they are always so informative. In fact, I was reading a post this morning where this interesting person kept going on and on about crazy stuff, and was attacking you for some reason. I guess there are weird people everywhere, huh. Hopefully I won't freak you or anyone out with my posts.

 

From what I can remember, I think I've read your posts too. You kind of went through something similiar, yes? (well, except for the cheating, I'm sure. I'm such a low life... ) You did NC and things turned out well for you. I would love to hear your story again if you wouldn't mind or if you had the time.

 

May I ask, why exactly do you believe I have a chance? Did you notice a similiar behavior in your ex/now bf? I am just kinda curious, since I obviously can't see it.

 

Wow...maybe I will FINALLY start NC (I'm such a dummy, I say that in all my posts ) but I feel so much more confident about it now. If I want to get outta this rut, something has to change! Drastically! Yes. Maybe I can do it.

 

Wait...maybe you didn't read some parts...you do know I cheated, right? And that he kinda "flirts" with other girls? Sorry...its just so overwhelming for me, for someone to think I have a chance, and a good one at that. I will try not too get too excited or get my hopes up, but it does really mean alot, you seem so smart.

 

I just really really hope he is not testing me, to see if I will patiently wait for him or not, and then decide if I am worthy of a second shot...What if ones pride/ego is so big that even if they did want to be with someone, they wouldn't pursue them if they disappeared??

 

Ok...one more question, I promise. In the message, he wants me to call him. Should I let him know I am doing NC or just start doing it? I have attempted NC before, but it never lasted long, so if I tell him, he will most likely not believe I'm serious about it.

 

Thank you sooo much for your response. I really, truly, honestly would love to hear more from you.

[Donburi]

The point is: when you want somebody back, you are expected to do all the ass-kissing. You apologize, you make promises (you're not sure you can keep), you beg, cry, go out of your way to please the other one...

 

The receiver is allowed to be cocky, arogant, wrong, mean, attack you, etc. Of course, I am exaggerating, but you get the picture. In your case, you want him back and he is not sure. So by attacking his previous behavior, you're only letting him know that YOU won't change, but you want HIM to change too (which is true!).

 

So if your goal is not to make him say "yes" then walk away when you want to work on your issues, I think you should back off and accept the break-up. If he wants to be friends, you can be friends, but cut this you-are-welcome-to-walk-all-over-me service you're providing him with.

 

Show him that you CAN and WILL manage without him if that's what he wants. If he loves you, he will come around. But by asking him to make up his mind as soon as possible, you're practically begging him to be with you. That's a very ungrateful position for achieving any changes in your favor.

 

Hmm...makes sense. He does want to be friends, its kind of odd that he is so concerned about that. He always make it a point whenver we discuss "us" to ask if things do not work out that we stay friends. Is it possible for an ex to want to stay friends with their ex so badly?

 

I have been very selfish and immature the first 4 or 5 months of our breakup, yes. I constantly had to talk about us, always asking questions, etc. I was proud of myself because I had recently been acting better, tried doing the "buddy" act and whatnot. But, obviously it didn't really do much.

 

I want to show him I can change....is walking away the only way to do it?

[CaliGuy]

Hmm...makes sense. He does want to be friends, its kind of odd that he is so concerned about that. He always make it a point whenver we discuss "us" to ask if things do not work out that we stay friends. Is it possible for an ex to want to stay friends with their ex so badly?

 

Do not give him that luxury. By staying friends you're saying "I'll settle for any crumb of attention you give me." He knows this. If your goal is to get back together, as RP said, focus on yourself and cut off the friendship. Then after some time to reflect maybe he changes his mind but if your goal is a relationship (not friends) then why are you settling for less???

 

I have been very selfish and immature the first 4 or 5 months of our breakup, yes. I constantly had to talk about us, always asking questions, etc. I was proud of myself because I had recently been acting better, tried doing the "buddy" act and whatnot. But, obviously it didn't really do much.

 

As I said before, clinging on to them for dear life will only push them farther away. The best way to make the heart grow fonder is for them to miss you and that will never happen if you don't go away for some time.

 

I want to show him I can change....is walking away the only way to do it?

 

The only way to do that is to cut off contact and focus on self-improvement. Read books or go to therapy. Whatever works for you. But sticking around will only tempt you to barrage him with questions about the relationship, questions he doesn't want to answer.

 

You know what you must do. You've gotten the best advice here. I really hope for your sake you take the advice to heart.

[Donburi]

Do not give him that luxury. By staying friends you're saying "I'll settle for any crumb of attention you give me." He knows this. If your goal is to get back together, as RP said, focus on yourself and cut off the friendship. Then after some time to reflect maybe he changes his mind but if your goal is a relationship (not friends) then why are you settling for less???

 

 

 

As I said before, clinging on to them for dear life will only push them farther away. The best way to make the heart grow fonder is for them to miss you and that will never happen if you don't go away for some time.

 

 

 

The only way to do that is to cut off contact and focus on self-improvement. Read books or go to therapy. Whatever works for you. But sticking around will only tempt you to barrage him with questions about the relationship, questions he doesn't want to answer.

 

You know what you must do. You've gotten the best advice here. I really hope for your sake you take the advice to heart.

 

Thank you CG. It is getting more and more clearer for what I must need to do. I haven't called him yet, and I blocked him on aim. So far, I have not been tempted to do so, which is surprising for me. It is definitely going to get alot harder, I barely just started...please give me strength, everyone!

 

All of you are so wise, I know everything you guys say is true...I'm just still so scared though. I am always trying to put myelf in his shoes. If HE cheated on ME, I would want him to do everything in his power to try to earn a second chance. If he did NC on me, I am not sure how I would reacte to that, I really don't think I would like that at all. NC is the obvious answer for most breakups/breaks but can it really apply to breakups that had cheating involved? (when used in a way to get a second chance, I mean...I have to be honest, thats half the reason why I'm doing it...) I mean...what if he sees it as "ok, you CHEATED on me, I allow you to still be in contact with me, I even offer you my friendship, you pester me all day long with questions that you ALREADY know the answer to, I tell you there is still some hope, you cry and beg, and then you just DISAPPEAR??? Second chance my butt!" Can you kinda see where I'm coming from? I'm just so afraid he is gonna view it like that. What if he's like "well, I WAS gonna give you a second chance if you were to wait patiently for me to be ready again but since you just wanna now LEAVE then screw you!"

 

*sigh*

 

But, you guys are right. I've been doing pretty much the same thing for more than half a year now, something needs to change. It hurts too much. I know I deserve to be in pain for what I've done...but I wonder, for how long?

 

Do you guys have any idea why he has slowly been acting better over these 8 months? I still wonder about that. Does it mean anything? I mean, the first two months we talked only online a few times a week, 3-4 months we see eachother maybe once or twice every few weeks, 5-6 months because of school (he took the same classes I did) we saw eachother twice a week and

7th month to now we see eachother 3 sometimes even 4 times a week and I've been sleeping over too. Just a thought.

 

Thanks again guys!

[CaliGuy]

mean...I have to be honest, thats half the reason why I'm doing it...) I mean...what if he sees it as "ok, you CHEATED on me, I allow you to still be in contact with me, I even offer you my friendship, you pester me all day long with questions that you ALREADY know the answer to, I tell you there is still some hope, you cry and beg, and then you just DISAPPEAR??? Second chance my butt!"

 

You're over-analyzing things. More than likely (but not always) when you disappear out of their life one day they go "Oh crap, I wonder if I was so wishy-washy with her that she just gave up on me???" Then he'll think about his feelings for you and if they are rekindled, he will call you. If not, by that time you will be healed and have moved on.

 

Remember that it's a WIN/WIN for you. If you cling to him in hope something will work out, the you are guaranteed to LOSE. Hopefully you understand that by 'hanging around' you are not letting him see what he could be missing. Men need to know that. Heck he might even think you found someone else. You have to shake things up for you personally (self-improvement - and by the way, why DID you cheat?!) and relationship wise (No contact) to get your life in order.

 

There is no alternative if you want some form of success (a new man or the old man).

 

Can you kinda see where I'm coming from? I'm just so afraid he is gonna view it like that. What if he's like "well, I WAS gonna give you a second chance if you were to wait patiently for me to be ready again but since you just wanna now LEAVE then screw you!"

 

And if he does that, you'll have finally pushed him to one side of the fence or the other by your actions, not your words.

 

But, you guys are right. I've been doing pretty much the same thing for more than half a year now, something needs to change. It hurts too much. I know I deserve to be in pain for what I've done...but I wonder, for how long?

 

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Stick to NC and don't you dare email/text/call/view his myspace page, etc for at least a month. If you can make it a month without contacting him, you can make it without him completely. If he doesn't hear from you in a month he'll start wondering.

 

Do you guys have any idea why he has slowly been acting better over these 8 months? I still wonder about that. Does it mean anything? I mean, the first two months we talked only online a few times a week, 3-4 months we see eachother maybe once or twice every few weeks, 5-6 months because of school (he took the same classes I did) we saw eachother twice a week and 7th month to now we see eachother 3 sometimes even 4 times a week and I've been sleeping over too. Just a thought.

 

No sleepovers. No seeing him. Disappear like a little Debbie at a weight watchers conference. (haha). Seriously, you know what you need to do. Now comes the hard part. Sucking it up and doing it.

[Donburi]

He hasn't even tried calling or anything. This is going to be such a long, painful road...

 

I can't really explain why I cheated, like most stories, its a long and complicated one. It was basically my ex not spending time with me, me losing some of my feelings for him, me starting to hang out with ex's buddy and doing things with him ex should have been doing (movies, mini golf, etc) later on "buddy" claims he is "in love" with me, and always has been (wasn't too sure on that) starts telling me crap like my ex doesn't care about me, he is only now starting to act like a good bf because he is jealous, not because he loves me, won't sleep with me because he doesn't love me (my ex claims to have been waiting til marriage) weird stuff like that. Of course, since my mind was already full of doubts I absorbed everything he said. I get feelings for this buddy, and then the dreaded day came, the three of us were at my ex's house, ex and I got into a fight to which he then locked me out of his room, I went to hang out with the buddy, buddy made a move on me and I let him (it didn't go very far, but still...) and ex walked in to see the whole thing. Yep. That is my story.

 

I did a horrible thing...but I don't think I'm a bad person...

 

JDUB hasn't responded yet...I guess she now found out about the cheating part. I was really curious as to why she thought I had a good chance, too.

[grace2005]

If he wanted to wait until marriage to have sex you should respect that. Nobody should feel pressured to go against their moral convictions. I assume he wanted to wait until marriage because of what the bible says about pre-marital sex? I can understand you getting sexually frustrated if the two of you were married and he still did not want to have sex but before marriage it should not even be an issue. He was your bf not your husband. Why didn't you just break up with him and find someone else who does not mind sex before marriage instead of cheating on him? Lucky for me my ex never cheated on me (to the best of my knowledge). But if she did I would not ever forgive her and give her another chance. I'm having a hard enough of a time forgiving her for leaving me the first time around whether she found a replacement or not!

[Donburi]

If he wanted to wait until marriage to have sex you should respect that. Nobody should feel pressured to go against their moral convictions. I assume he wanted to wait until marriage because of what the bible says about pre-marital sex? I can understand you getting sexually frustrated if the two of you were married and he still did not want to have sex but before marriage it should not even be an issue. He was your bf not your husband. Why didn't you just break up with him and find someone else who does not mind sex before marriage instead of cheating on him? Lucky for me my ex never cheated on me (to the best of my knowledge). But if she did I would not ever forgive her and give her another chance. I'm having a hard enough of a time forgiving her for leaving me the first time around whether she found a replacement or not!

 

The sex thing did bother me, but I would have been willing to wait til marriage. The thing is, it wasn't that he was nessecarly waiting TIL marriage, he said he would prefer to do that, but he said if the moment and the person felt right, he would do it before. Being with him for 3 1/2 yrs, I have to honestly say it did make me doubt how much I meant to him. He used to talk about our future alot during the first year but slowly he began to change, and either get too comfortable in the relationship or started to not care anymore. The "buddy" I mentioned would use the sex thing as a way of telling me my ex didn't love me, and like a dummy I let it affect me.

 

I respect your opinions, but your advice isn't exactly helping what I'm currently trying to do, which is to mend things.

[loony]

I didn't read everything because the posts are quite long and I've followed your story as far as now to believe that I have some grasp of it. I think you're obsessing over details now that seem to prevent you from getting closer to your ex, what you need though are greater changes.

 

You absolutely must stop the whining and start to act like a mature woman who knows what she wants and what she's doing. If you continue to nag him about the relationship he will know that you're not the mature woman he wants, the one who would not go and make out with some other dude because she was not happy with the relationship. Obviously communication was a problem between you, what you need to do now is show him that you know how to communicate better and that means, knowing how to approach a difficult topic in a way that avoids making the other person uncomfortable, without cornering him and triggering defensive mechanisms.

 

The other thing is, I think he is getting lazy and being to comfortable with the situation. If you want to change the situation as it is, you need to guide him into the direction that you want and you will have to do it in a way that makes him believe that it's him who wants it and that it's his decision and not yours. I would not call him directly out on his emotional evasiveness, but I would also not let him escape with fluffy answers. The key is to supernice, superpolite, giving him lots of space and yet at the same time not to take crap from him. He should do some progress after so much time, if he doesn't it's because he doesn't feel the need for it or because he doesn't want to think too hard about complicated things that he would rater like to avoid instead of confronting.

 

What your guy wants to see is a mature girl who knows how deal with difficult situations. You may wonder if it's fair that it's on you to do all the work. I would say, it doesn't matter if it's fair or not, because for sure, it won't work the other way or did you get any results as far as now? Also, these are positive desirable traits, so it's not as if you're only doing it for him, you're doing it for yourself. If it doesn't work out with him, because he's too immature, you will know how to handle the situation better next time and I also think you will feel less regret for leaving someone who still behaves like a spoiled brat. The more you know how to communicate properly, the more you will see his failure to do so and if he lacks the willingness to change this, it will surely be a turn off.

 

Last but not least, if I may suggest a different approach. Disarm him, next time you feel you get angry or disappointed because you still haven't made any improvements in your relationship tell yourself and him that you understand that he feels confused and is not sure about the future. Let him know that you want a relationship and that you're not happy with the situation as it is and also not with his behavior, but that you also understand that he has his personal issues with you that cause him to hesitate starting the relationship with you again, because you also were in a similar situation where you had personal issues with him and didn't know how to solve them and the consequence was that you didn't behave very mature and did something hurtful. It's not about 'quid pro quo', but it's about understanding that people do make mistakes sometimes and do not always behave in the best ways. I guess, this should show him that you are regretting what you did, accept the current situation as a consequence of it, but you also show that you don't think his behavior is very great without criticizing him in a harsh way. Maybe you should also offer him an apology (if you haven't done this already) where you take full responsibility for your actions without any accusatory elements that his lack of attention was the reason which led to you feeling so unhappy. That should show him that you're a person who is able to take responsibility for her actions.

[Donburi]

Thank you, loony. I'm sorry for acting so childish, its just that even after all this time its still a difficult situation for me...for us. This is my first serious relationship (and I've been told most people don't stay with their first love, unfortunately) and I just really don't know what to do or how to behave, I'm so confused. Thats why I post so much on this darn thing.

 

It has crossed my mind that he might be getting comfortable in the situation that we're in, as well. Whatever I try to do just seems to make him settle in more.

I have such a hard time talking to him about the relationship because I know what he is going to say, and I always end up feeling depressed afterwards. I wrote him a long journal the first month explaining why I did what I did as best as I could, and did not mention him having any faults at all. I actually began pointing out his "flaws" recently, I suppose with time I have learned that it was not totallly 100% my fault and started thinking back to how our relationship really was. When I did, I saw what we were both doing poorly, and thought it would be beneficial to discuss it with him so that we may have a better chance IF we do try again.

 

I have said my apologies, and they were sincere, I'm just not sure if they were to HIM...

 

I want to take your advice about discussing things with him, but it just seems so futile to talk about our relationship. Everytime I do, it just seems to drive him further away...He'll say his little speech, sometimes I feel like he says the things he says just to shut me up for a while...or maybe I've been going about it the entirely wrong way.

 

I think NC is my only choice right now.

[J dub]

Before I launch into a long response, has anything new happened lately? Or does your last post still apply?

 

I think the NC route is the best chance of your future. Leaning on him right now wouldnt be a good idea considering whats happened thus far...

[Donburi]

Before I launch into a long response, has anything new happened lately? Or does your last post still apply?

 

I think the NC route is the best chance of your future. Leaning on him right now wouldnt be a good idea considering whats happened thus far...

 

Thanks for replying, JDUB. Don't have too much news, so far neither of us has contacted eachother.

 

I actually did find something out strange though, one of our mutual friends went to my ex's party two nights ago (which he really wanted me to go to before this all went down) and found out that my ex said he was "cutting me off for while", I guess I got brought up or something. He said he was pissed with how our last conversation ended, and didn't feel like talking to me for a while. So, it turns out, he has been also doing NC on me. He has blocked me, etc. Should I still continue what I'm doing...? Not only is he not missing me, but he's punishing me, too... I feel kinda bad though, because in his message he left in my myspace he asked me to call him to discuss things, but I never did. I guess thats what particularly made him upset.

 

Any advice?

[J dub]

If he really wanted to talk to you like he makes it sound, he'd have called. My guess is he's resentful about something totally different altogether but didnt bother getting in to it with this friend of yours. Really, you cant take what people say for real when it comes from someone else. Only straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak.

 

If you want to contact him, go ahead. But I think right now is probably the worst of times because he is still clearly miffed about something and regardless of what you say, he's going to be mad. Let him cool off, i nthe meantime and you can work on yourself and whatnot...It just seems like if you call him now, youre going to be digging the problem further into the hole.

 

just my two cents..

[loony]

I'm going to disagree with J dub, but I'm also not that well informed about all the details of your current situation. Your boyfriend complained about the bad communication with you, so why not show him that you are able to communicate. I don't really believe that NC solves any kind of communication problems and if the other is interested in communicating, then why not give it a try. I see communication as a way to strip the walls down step by step and thus get back to the initial stage of trust. In my opinion NC is more a means to deal with someone who does not want to communicate with you or in order to get over him. I'd give it a last try and if it doesn't work out then I'd go NC. Some people are not ready to deal with their baggage and you can communicate as much as you want, they will still not get it. It's just important that when you start NC that you have established yourself as a mature person, they will miss you a lot more when they see what they're losing.

[J dub]

It's just important that when you start NC that you have established yourself as a mature person, they will miss you a lot more when they see what they're losing.

GREAT point!

[Donburi]

Thanks for responding, guys.

 

Yeah, he seems to be annoyed by something. I would like to call and apologize, and mend things, but honestly, if he is upset that I brought up how he could change some things about himself (spending more quality time with me, etc...) than I am not sure I should do so. I still feel that he could improve in some areas (I know I have MUCH more improving to do, but it takes two to work on things, right?), so why should I say sorry for that? I have acted immaturely in the past when we agrued, and I always apologized afterwards, because I saw how selfish and unreasonable I was being. This is one of the few times I acted like an adult, I discussed it maturely with him, so it just feels weird if I have to say sorry if I don't really mean it..you know? But maybe I should anyways...? Still confused...

 

Does this mean anything? I read his myspace (I know I'm not supposed to read it, working on that ) and he did a survey question thingy and one question was, what was the craziest thing you have ever done to impress a girl and he talked about the time he met me...am I reading too much into it?

 

Oh, and to add something, he probably is mad about the way I communicate, or lack there of. But our last conversation ended with HIM signing off, saying that I had to completely change or whatever to ever try to win him back. THEN, he wrote the message about us needing to discuss things. So, I know I could be better at communicating, but it seems like so could he...arghh...

[Donburi]

This hurts so bad...I'm going crazy. So far I haven't had any problems not calling or texting him (even though he is also blocking me) but I keep checking online sites like myspace, livejournal etc ALOT. I'm scared of what I'm becoming...I've become so obsessed, this is all I can think about. I found the strength to do NC because I know how much it hurts to be around him, why can't I apply that to looking at his profiles online? I wish I had a life, more friends...something.

 

He did another stupid question survey thingy...please tell me I'm crazy. That I'm reading too much into it...or if they do mean something, please tell me also...that I have to give up....anything...

 

I'll post some of the questions he answered that affected me...the sentences in the " ( ----- ) " are mine.

 

DO YOU HAVE "A THING" FOR ANYONE ON YOUR TOP 8?

"On my top 8...well, nope."( in myspace they show eight pictures of your friends, and you get to select which ones are shown, I guess to show who's most important, or something. I'm number 3. And I guess he doesn't have "a thing" for me. )

 

How many people on your friends list are ex's?

"Mmmm, looks like three! I don't feel the need to list them." (would you still call someone you weren't sure about ending it with or not an ex?)

 

 

How did your last relationship end?

"I always forget that surveys have questions like this that can go to hell."

( )

 

and then the question right after this one was :

I can't wait to....?

"Begin again!" (implying he wants to date again, right? These past eight months he has been telling me he has no interest in dating and probably won't until he moves.)

 

and probably the worst question he could ever get:

 

Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated on you? "I always wondered what the answer to this question would be...and I still, still do not have a solid answer." ( well I guess its a good thing he's not saying flat out no...)

 

 

I know I'm acting insane and I probably freaked most of you out with how obsessed I am, but its so hard not to do. I mean, I don't think I'll ever get to the point where I'm driving by his house everyday (thats a bit too creepy) but I just have this urge and need to know what he is thinking, what he's doing.

 

The sad thing is, if I continued to hang out with him like I WAS doing, he would never answer things like this, because he knows it would hurt me. Now, I don't know if that a good or bad thing, maybe he is saying these kinds of things because I started doing NC and that made him mad, or since he feels like I'm out of the picture he can now say what he truly wants to. I dunno. The last time I did NC (which only lasted a few days) he changed his status on his myspace to looking just for friends, to dating. That hurt ALOT and I instantly called him. So I think he knows that if I saw/read something that bothered me, that I would talk to him about it. Do you think he might be saying those kinda things to get a reaction and contact him again? ...or once again, am I just insane?

 

Please don't think too badly of me or call me pathetic...I'm trying my best not to be this way...some days are harder than others...

 

I'm not going to call him either, though I came really close. But some of you thought I should call him, so maybe I should. I dunno. I'd like to get more advice from you guys before deciding anything. Thank you.