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[loony]

Yeah, he seems to be annoyed by something. I would like to call and apologize, and mend things, but honestly, if he is upset that I brought up how he could change some things about himself (spending more quality time with me, etc...) than I am not sure I should do so. I still feel that he could improve in some areas (I know I have MUCH more improving to do, but it takes two to work on things, right?), so why should I say sorry for that? I have acted immaturely in the past when we agrued, and I always apologized afterwards, because I saw how selfish and unreasonable I was being. This is one of the few times I acted like an adult, I discussed it maturely with him, so it just feels weird if I have to say sorry if I don't really mean it..you know? But maybe I should anyways...? Still confused...

That's why I suggested this approach:

 

"Last but not least, if I may suggest a different approach. Disarm him, next time you feel you get angry or disappointed because you still haven't made any improvements in your relationship tell yourself and him that you understand that he feels confused and is not sure about the future. Let him know that you want a relationship and that you're not happy with the situation as it is and also not with his behavior, but that you also understand that he has his personal issues with you that cause him to hesitate starting the relationship with you again, because you also were in a similar situation where you had personal issues with him and didn't know how to solve them and the consequence was that you didn't behave very mature and did something hurtful. It's not about 'quid pro quo', but it's about understanding that people do make mistakes sometimes and do not always behave in the best ways. I guess, this should show him that you are regretting what you did, accept the current situation as a consequence of it, but you also show that you don't think his behavior is very great without criticizing him in a harsh way. Maybe you should also offer him an apology (if you haven't done this already) where you take full responsibility for your actions without any accusatory elements that his lack of attention was the reason which led to you feeling so unhappy. That should show him that you're a person who is able to take responsibility for her actions."

 

In my opinion, right now you both are failing to communicate properly. You expect him to change and know what to do, but why did you not have the same attitude before about yourself when you were not happy in your relationship. Eventually your unhappiness lead you to make out with the other guy. So, why do you expect him to act more maturely than you did? Why is he supposed to handle his issues better than you? Of course, right now he's acting like an immature brat, he's got the moral superiority as he was the "victim" of your inconsiderate action, but it also looks like he doesn't want to forgive you and improve the situation on his own, he makes a very passive. That's why I tell you, apologize and level the playing field, if he's not willing to forgive you, and I mean truly forgive, then he should also be aware that you are willing to let it be, because there is not much more that you can do. It's your right to move on if he doesn't want to change the situation. Be understanding for his situation, but also hint indirectly that his behavior is also just as destructive right now as yours before. Let him know that you're not really happy with it and that you believe that his behavior is wrong, but that you from your own experience know that people make mistakes (I assume that you have been a bit cross with him a couple of times and that you pressured him for a definite answer?) and that it's difficult to change. Tell him you're sorry for what happened and that you hope that one day he will be able to forgive you. I think it's a quite humble approach without appearing like a total wimp, because you are in some ways in control of the situation, because you know what is going on and if you're still talking with him, it's because you chose to do so.

 

If I may add, you want him to open up, you must first show understanding and interest in the things that are important to him, his future, his trip to Japan, etc. People open up much more when they think that someone is interested in listening to them without ulterior motives. I really can't remember who said this, but I found the following to be one of the best things to improve difficult situations: "In order to be understood, you need to understand first."

 

In regards to the survey, stop obsessing about this nonsense and concentrate on the things that really count. You're fighting the wrong battles here.

[Donburi]

Again, you're right. I didn't want to be the first one to make contact, but if I want things to work, then its the only way, right? I need to start acting more like an adult.

 

Actually, he sort of made contact first anyways. I wrote a post on my myspace about some videogame and was just discussing it and he replyed to it (very quickly, I might add!), nothing serious, just commenting on some of the things I said. I wrote back agreeing with what he said, then at the end put "so...I guess we are talking now?"

 

Hopefully we can talk soon, and I'll say what you suggested to say.

Thanks! Wish me luck...

 

Oh, just another question. So, if I explain my feelings, apologize, and express that I'm not happy with the situation in a mature way, and he still responds with he doesn't know what to do or what he wants, should I then start on NC again?

[loony]

Actually, he sort of made contact first anyways. I wrote a post on my myspace about some videogame and was just discussing it and he replyed to it (very quickly, I might add!), nothing serious, just commenting on some of the things I said. I wrote back agreeing with what he said, then at the end put "so...I guess we are talking now?"

It's funny, I've been reading a couple of things about pickup artists lately and even though I have an uneasy feeling about their 'work' I have to admit, those people know damn well how a human's mind works. I'm not sure who said it, but I kind of have the feeling that it's a pickup artist talking out of me. Anyway, I think the best thing to do would have been to make a simple positive statement like: "Hey, it's cool we're talking again. ) I have no clue if that was his way of making peace or not, but you gave him a good feeling for posting. Positive reenforcement is the clue here. In order to get a desired result, you must produce positive feelings within him when he does the specific action. That will lead him to do it more often on his own, plus he will think that it was his own decision (meaning, he was the one in control of the situation, right now he's just feeling you pushing and pressuring him for a relationship or for certain things that he might do, but as you kind of insist on them he suddenly is very unwilling to do it).

 

Oh, just another question. So, if I explain my feelings, apologize, and express that I'm not happy with the situation in a mature way, and he still responds with he doesn't know what to do or what he wants, should I then start on NC again?

No, you must not use NC as a means to punish him when the minute before you told him that you understood his hesitation. He very likely might not say anything or what is more likely he will say that is great that you understand that he needs more space. I'd say, prepare that you won't get immediate results. The idea that you're a different woman now has to sink into his mind. Also the consequences of his behavior will only come slowly to his awareness. Continue acting happy and understanding and let him come to you. He asked for space and you are giving him space, in a very respectful and kind way, not because you're doing NC. Basically though, it is probably NC, it's just you're doing it in such a nice way that he's not realizing it, hehehe. If he approaches you, be nice, enjoy the time with him, but also don't walk into the trap of believing that now he wants a relationship with you, he's probably testing if you have really changed or not. Keep things light and cool, till he really wants you back.

 

You must be truly understanding that he is having a difficult time now, but at the same time you also have to let him know in a very subtle way that you're a great catch, that you can accept it if he is not interested in you anymore and that this is not going to make you lose your temper or throw you into an abyss of despair. You have to think like this, how many men do not deep inside know they are acting quite immaturely? But do they want to be called out on it directly and being labeled as immature? Probably not. If he's a good guy he will recognize it though when he sees someone act maturely and does treat him with respect despite his own behavior and he will try to change it. If he doesn't you're better off without him and hopefully you will have acquired enough knowledge by then to realize this on your own.

[Donburi]

Thanks Loony. You really do give great advice. I got your messages too, thanks so much! Those were great to read. I wil check out this book as soon as I can.

 

I'm glad we are talking again, but I'm not sure how to go about "actually" talking about things. He still has me blocked on his buddy list. When I wrote him the message asking "so are we talking now?" he wrote back "well, you never responded to my other message so I wasn't sure." You were right, I should have done that. (but arghhh, why is he still blocking me? )

 

I didn't mean to write about NC as using it as a punishment, though I can understand how you saw it that way. Its just that...I dunno, it really does hurt to be around him and just being friends. Is that something I just have to do in order to earn another chance? I wanted to explain that I understand where he's coming from, and that I understand why he's confused, etc...but I also wanted to say that if he still cannot decide what to do after 8 months, that I can't handle being around him, because it hurts too much. So, even though I would love to do anything and everything to make things more comfortable for him, I just don't know if I can continue hurting myself. Does that sound ok? Selfish? Or should I suck it up, be an adult, and just face the pain?

 

So far I've recieved two "theories" about my situation. One, that since I have been around him all this time, he is in no hurry to get back into the relationship, because I'll always be there, and he is not getting the chance to miss me. Best bet for that is NC.

Two, continue to be around him, and show him I've changed into a better person. Don't do anything drastic, just play it cool and enjoy his company. Once he sees how I've changed, he will eventually be ready to date again.

 

They both make so much sense to me that its confusing me to no end which one I should try...

 

So sorry I keep asking questions....

[loony]

I didn't mean to write about NC as using it as a punishment, though I can understand how you saw it that way. Its just that...I dunno, it really does hurt to be around him and just being friends. Is that something I just have to do in order to earn another chance? I wanted to explain that I understand where he's coming from, and that I understand why he's confused, etc...but I also wanted to say that if he still cannot decide what to do after 8 months, that I can't handle being around him, because it hurts too much.

I would not pressure him to do any kind of decision. Do not even talk about it. He is resenting you quite for this at the moment. Be a nice girl, be understanding and see how he reacts, if doesn't open up more with you, then just take the consequence, withdraw slowly. Don't do it with a lot of tamtam, because that will only make him believe you're immature, not able to communicate your problems and now you're trying to get your way by blackmailing him. People respect you more if you do things without threatening or blackmailing them to get the desired reaction. If he asks why you're not so available anymore, you can tell him that you respect his need for space and that you have been doing your own stuff latelyI mean, what are you supposed to do anyway, hang around him all the time??? It will make him see that you're not waiting for him, if you have bugged him a lot before, then now he will certainly see the difference. You opened the door by giving him basically everything he wants, understanding, patience, kindness, etc. if he choose not to walk through it, it's his choice. Turn the tables and make him the bad boy for not acting maturely enough.

 

Have the talk, give him some time to process the new you and if he doesn't react somewhat positively move on. If he doesn't understand you or doesn't even try, then it's a complete waste of time.

 

So, even though I would love to do anything and everything to make things more comfortable for him, I just don't know if I can continue hurting myself. Does that sound ok? Selfish? Or should I suck it up, be an adult, and just face the pain?

I wouldn't be understanding forever...

 

So far I've recieved two "theories" about my situation. One, that since I have been around him all this time, he is in no hurry to get back into the relationship, because I'll always be there, and he is not getting the chance to miss me. Best bet for that is NC. Two, continue to be around him, and show him I've changed into a better person. Don't do anything drastic, just play it cool and enjoy his company. Once he sees how I've changed, he will eventually be ready to date again.

I'm just saying, if you want to, give him a last try and walk out of it with the feeling that you did your best in a mature way, erase the image in his head of this girl who whined and was desperate to get back to him. And as I said, he seems to still like you, but the communication is not very great and I assume he also doesn't really know what to do against it. If you want to change it, it will be your job, he's not going to suddenly open up to you with no reason. I personally think getting out of the situation slowly and leaving the image of a cool composed girl who is not afraid of doing her own thing is a tad better than cutting off contact and confirming his belief that you're a sulky whining nagging girl who is not able to understand him. Of course he's not right, but you won't be able to convince him that you're not whiny by repeating it over and over again. He won't see you as a long-term girlfriend if all he sees is someone who is getting on his nerves. He may have feelings for you, but he will be scared sh*tless that you will always act like this when you have a problem.

 

Give it one try and if it doesn't work out, move on. Maybe you two are too young anyway. Try to learn as much as you can from this situation, maybe it still won't work out, but then in any case you will better prepared for the next relationship.

[Donburi]

Not much of an update really, just felt like writing....

He unblocked me on aim, so we have talked a bit online. Nothing serious, really.

 

It's so hard being alone on the holidays. I'm sure most of you can understand. I chatted with him for a sec this morning, we wished eachother a Merry Christmas, he said he had some presents for me, and then signed off to go be with his family. It would have been nice if he called. It feels so weird, I used to be invited to these things...I didn't even need to be invited, I was just expected to be there with everyone. I don't like this one bit. But, thats how things work (especially when you bring it upon yourself.)

 

Well...thats all. Hope everyone has a good holiday, and for those who are going through rough times, chin up. Things could always be worse, and things can always get better.

 

Merry Christmas, everyone.