How successful can a guy(me) be in helping her forget the ex?

[Mydish1]

I know sometimes people date others in hopes that they can help them forget about the ex. Often times its unsuccessul and some rare cases it is successful.

 

My situation, i've been seeing this girl for about a month. However she's on a break with her 1 yr bf (whom she has no feelings for, wants to break up but doesnt want to be mean). She thought by going out with him, he'd help her forget the ex, it didnt work and kept in contact with the ex mostly. However its obvious it wouldnt work since he chased her.

 

Now with me, from the start she chased me because she felt i was a great catch. She compliments me all the time. tells me she remembers all the things we did together. she is highly interested in me and does favors (altho i dont ask much for them!).

 

On our last date, she was honest with me and told me the situation with the ex and her bf. She was afraid i would get angry and walk away, so she held onto me tightly. When she's with the bf, she thinks of me. She hasnt been speaking much to the ex since seeing me. I agreed the other night to give her time to break it with the ex and her bf. However yesterday she just spoke with the ex and that got to me (sent him our pic).

 

I think i might be the guy to help her forget the ex, but a part of me feels used and hopeless. I mean how can a guy like me help a girl forget 5 years of being with the ex...sometimes i feel like giving her an ultimatum.

 

It's not the bf that's the threat, it's her ex.

So girls, how successful was a guy in helping you forget your ex?

any advice for my situation?

[crazy_grl]

She's been using some poor guy for a year to get over her ex, and she's not breaking up with him because she "doesn't want to be mean"? Does this guy know she's got no feelings for him and is only using him this way? I doubt it.

 

That doesn't seem like a problem to you? If I were you, I'd forget about her, because she sounds not only mean, but downright cruel, selfish, and spineless. Not the kind of qualities you want in a partner.

[Mydish1]

She's been using some poor guy for a year to get over her ex, and she's not breaking up with him because she "doesn't want to be mean"? Does this guy know she's got no feelings for him and is only using him this way? I doubt it.

 

That doesn't seem like a problem to you? If I were you, I'd forget about her, because she sounds not only mean, but downright cruel, selfish, and spineless. Not the kind of qualities you want in a partner.

 

She claims she's not a selfish person, but i should have accussed her then and there of it when she told me about him. But i think the biggest thing about her is she's afraid of confrontation and afraid of what people think of her.

 

At first i was OK with it when she told me these things. But the other day at a ceremony on campus, she disrespected me and introduced me as a friend to people. And the thing now with her ex, he saw our pic but she didnt tell him we were dating and let him think we were just friends. Again...afraid of what people think. I really felt hurt when she did this. I've done some thinking and this isnt about jealousy, it's about disrespect.

 

My gut is telling me strongly to talk it over with her this weekend and that i cant take this kind of crap. Either she gives me an explanation and changes her ways or i move on. It's hard cause she's such a sweetheart and thinks of me everyday.....

 

A strong part of me feels that this confrontation/ultimatum will work because the quickest way a person can make up their minds is if they risk losing something they value importantly, that being me.

 

I have my needs afterall, is this too selfish of me?

 

She just texted me..i dont feel like talking to her.

[crazy_grl]

She claims she's not a selfish person

 

I'm not laughing at you, but . You wouldn't really expect someone to admit that would you? I've been the girl who doesn't want to break up with a guy because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, thinking how unselfish she is. But I've learned that it's flat out selfish, cowardly, and immature. There's no excuse for it.

 

but i should have accussed her then and there of it when she told me about him.

 

If you two were already seeing each other when she told you about the current bf, you should have said something to her about it. Maybe not accusing her of anything, but you certainly could have said something. It’s not a big deal that you didn’t though. Some things take time to sink in.

 

But i think the biggest thing about her is she's afraid of confrontation and afraid of what people think of her.

 

i.e. spineless

 

At first i was OK with it when she told me these things. But the other day at a ceremony on campus, she disrespected me and introduced me as a friend to people. And the thing now with her ex, he saw our pic but she didnt tell him we were dating and let him think we were just friends. Again...afraid of what people think. I really felt hurt when she did this. I've done some thinking and this isnt about jealousy, it's about disrespect .

 

See above reference regarding spineless and add inconsiderate to it. In her mind, she might think she’s being kind and unselfish by acting this way, but if so... well, I don’t know how to explain it, but to put it simply, some connections are going the wrong way up there.

 

My gut is telling me strongly to talk it over with her this weekend and that i cant take this kind of crap. Either she gives me an explanation and changes her ways or i move on.

 

It’s pretty likely that this is the way she’s behaved all her life (certainly at least for a year). That being the case, I think it’s going to take more than a talk to get her to actually change her ways. You can’t instantly get someone to stop being selfish, spineless, and possibly passive aggressive overnight.

 

She might pick you, but you have to consider whether or not she's someone you really want.

 

It's hard cause she's such a sweetheart and thinks of me everyday.....

 

I have no doubt that it's tough and that she is very sweet and very nice to be around. That's her personality, but you have to consider her character. Consider what you’d feel like a year or two from now when she decides that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore and since she doesn’t have the “balls” to break it off, she starts seeing another guy behind your back. Put yourself in her bf’s shoes. That’s going to hurt more than what she did to you at that ceremony.

 

A strong part of me feels that this confrontation/ultimatum will work because the quickest way a person can make up their minds is if they risk losing something they value importantly, that being me.

 

It might work. You might force her to break up with him, but you can’t force someone to change who they are. That’s going to take a rude awakening and then some effort to change as a person.

 

I have my needs afterall, is this too selfish of me?

 

No. It means you’re not masochistic. You have to look out for your own heart and keep it away from people who show signs that they’re going to break it, because nobody else is going to protect it for you.

 

I really think you should let this girl go for both or your benefits. Tell her that you like her, but you can’t date someone who would treat a person the way she’s treating her bf. She might not like you for it now, but if she’s a smart girl, in the long run, she’ll realize you did her a favor, and maybe that will be the awakening she needs to grow a spine and start treating guys right.