When do you stop trying to fit in?

[Jacque70]

Hi all,

Just wanted to get some perspective on my situation. I’ve moved to a new city and am having a hard time finding a group of people I fit in with. I work with other Americans and have been happy here, getting to know people and have been very social and feel included. But recently, after three months of being here I find myself feeling like I really don’t fit in. And I've realized that it may be partially because two of the people I've become friends with are completely different and can't stand each other. I relate to both of them in some way but don't identify with either completely. The guy I work closely with I would classify as an intellectual who’s a bit of a chatter box and elitist. He's married and always comments on how awful it would be to be single. One on one he’s fine, we actually get along pretty well at work. The other social group consists of a very social outgoing, extremely confident girl I work with but who I don't find that warm, a guy I've been seeing who’s about 40 who I was seeing for a little while but not seriously (I’m 34) , and 3 of his friends who are in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s and who are all single.

 

The guys are good guys and I enjoy hanging out with them. I'd say they're more guy guys, into sports, drinking, etc. I guess though I usually have my girl friends that I can relate to. And the "guys" can’t stand the guy I work with and I can see their point of view and he thinks they’re sad, not very intelligent guys. I enjoy both of these types of people for different reasons, but feel like I'm caught in the middle and like I don't really truly fit in with either. I’ve always considered myself to be social and normal, pretty well grounded. I long time friends and usually make friends over time wherever I go and I’ve been in long term relationships which have been fairly healthy and happy. But now I’m feeling unsettled, like I don’t fit in and wondering if I’m alone in feeling this way. Does anyone else feel like this at times? I guess I’m getting tired of trying to make new friends and feeling like I have to fit in, even at my age.

[alphamale]

as one ages it geneerally gets harder and harder to make friends with new people. I mean good friends, not aquaintances. We become more picky and more prejudiced about who we hang with. They have to have the right skin colour, right religion, single vs married, right socio-economic situation, right education, etc.... In additions I have noticed that most married folk doin't like to hang out with single people because singles are a threat to them.

 

I'm not saying its impossible, it is not. It just gets harder as you get older.

[witabix]

How about socialising with them seperately, we all have friends who don't get on with one another.

 

Maybe another thing here too. Moved to a new city, I have moved around a lot myself. After the initial excitement of arriving and getting to now the place has worn off you can face the uncertainty period. As in asking yourself didi I make the right move?

 

Just relax and continue meeting new people, I am sure it will be cool.

[seachange]

Just wanted to get some perspective on my situation. I’ve moved to a new city and am having a hard time finding a group of people I fit in with. I’ve always considered myself to be social and normal, pretty well grounded. I long time friends and usually make friends over time wherever I go and I’ve been in long term relationships which have been fairly healthy and happy. But now I’m feeling unsettled, like I don’t fit in and wondering if I’m alone in feeling this way. Does anyone else feel like this at times? I guess I’m getting tired of trying to make new friends and feeling like I have to fit in, even at my age.

 

Hi Jacque. I know where you're coming from - I've moved a lot in the past few years (for work) and though I have my long-term friends that I'm always on the phone with, emailing, etc., it's not the same as having close friends nearby, people you can just say "screw it, let's go get a coffee" with and recharge your batteries. The ones who make you feel like yourself. BTW, I'm also 34; I've been in my most recent city for about 6 months and I've been slowly growing my group of friends over time.

 

And I think that's the only real answer - it does take time. It would be pretty amazing if you met new "soulmate" friends right away - for now, you're hanging out with people and getting to know your new city. I think it's totally normal to feel a little alienated - you're still really new in town, and alpha's right in that moving when you're older is different from college, when everybody was new in town and felt that way.

 

But ultimately, I think making friends really works as a kind of decentralized network: some people who are really outgoing act as nodes, and the more people you become acquainted with, the easier it is to create those connections, until it begins to snowball and you vastly increase your odds of meeting people you really click with.

 

But you know, three months isn't actually that long. I've heard it said that it can take at least a year in a new city to really settle in and develop a "routine" of sorts, that includes friends, etc. So don't worry too much about rushing it; you'll get there.

[JayKay]

I moved to a new state 4 years ago, and then to a new county within that state about 7 months ago. I've changed jobs 3 times in 5 years.

 

It IS hard to form a new network of friends! I have some now that I get together with from time to time, but not a big 'group' that hangs out together.

I've met people via the different jobs, a social club and by meeting the wives and girlfriends of my BF's friends. So they come from different backgrounds and perspectives.

 

I'd love to have a nice clutch of 5-6 people who all live close to each other so we could just pop in on each other for coffee and chatting. Or get together on Fridays for happy hour. Unfortunately, some live as far as 2-3 hours away from my town.

 

Also, at our age, people may have young or school-aged kids, which makes it harder for them to get away and socialize with adult friends.

 

I rely on the internet and cell phones to stay connected! God bless technology. And I always try not to work through my lunch hour so I can spend lunch with my co-workers. It helps me feel sociable!