egads, haven't got a clue what to do

[archbean]

k, so this is just a really weird situation for me, very long and complicated, and i just don't know what to do anymore... i've been very closed about my emotions and thoughts for as long as i can remember, probably because whenever i say what i really think or how i really feel, it always backfires on me. my mother has tried to put me in a mental hospital i think 3 times so far, and has kicked me out of the house twice, because i don't feel comfortable talking to her, or anyone really. whenever i do, i always say the wrong thing, even though it's the truth and what is really going on in my head, which she claims to want me to say, but when i do tell her the truth, she gets angry and tells me it's a lie. i have tried to tell her this, but she pulls the guilt trick on me and cries and tells me about how hard her life is, and how much better mine is, and how much she cares and how much i hate her. how the hell does she know how i feel about her? i don't hate her, i don't think so anyways, but i'm starting to feel that i do, just because i can't be myself around her, and i never seem to do anything right, no matter how much i try. i've told her that also, and all she said was a long piece about how i only focus on the bad things and don't listen to anything good she has to say. maybe i do. but what i hear most is either unmasked anger or annoyance or even sometimes what i read as hatred, or she hides it under a cover of love and niceties. recently a friend came home with me for thanksgiving (i'm a freshman at a university 3 hours away). we each had a 10 page essay to write by 2 days after we would get back to campus, and neither of us had started writing yet. of course we didn't tell my parents that, but they knew we needed to work on them a lot that weekend. we did spend time with my family all thanksgiving day, and with some of my friends and the family most of the day after. other than that, we were working in the cellar on our papers. by the day we were scheduled to leave, we had just barely finished writing the essays, and decided to actually sleep instead of working all night yet again. my family goes to church sometimes, and they had mentioned that they were going that sunday, and we would of course go with them, although i'm a closet atheist (only around family and religious friends), and he's also atheist, but he thought it would be interesting and i was expected to go. my sister was staying in the same room as i, so i expected her to wake me up for church, which is at 10am. i woke up at about 12:15pm, about an hour before our bus was scheduled to leave. neither i nor my friend had packed, and no one had even though to try to wake us up, because they were all mad at me for not taking time to spend with them. my mother was the only one who was actually mad because of this, whereas my sister and father were mad because my mother was mad, and my brother doesn't really care either way. i guess i should point out that what they consider "family time", i consider a waste of my time, because i have so much work to do all the time, i procrastinate enough on my own doing things like reading, drawing, my website, email, friends time, and this forum, all things i like to do, whereas they like would like me to sit on the couch and watch a show with them, or talk, or "snuggle", things i don't like to do, and certainly not with people who tend to misunderstand everything i say. so my friend and i missed our bus back, and, because we had to take a later bus, got back to campus well after dark, he missed a choir practice, and the dining halls were closed, so we had to go waste money on other food, and eat it in a rush because everything was closing. while my family was driving us to the bus station, the whole time, my mother was making cruel "it's for your own good" comments under her breath that i could hardly hear. the only one i could deciper beyond a tone of voice was "you made your sister cry", apparently because instead of decorating for christmas with them, i woke up late because no one woke me up like they would have if they weren't mad, i was packing to leave, eating breakfast/lunch, making sure there were still buses leaving that day, and passing half an hour playing cards with my friend, because i don't know about anyone else, but i do not like pretending to be cheerful in such an awkward situation where all but one person wants to scream at me. the whole weekend was very tense, but my friend didn't realize just how tense it was. i don't know if it's because i've been there for 18 years and i know how they express anger and such, or maybe i just exagerrated the situation, but all correspondence (2 emails, 2 notes in the mail, and a phone call) were very terse and unpleasent, but the written stuff looked like it was just a "quick" note instead of the "we're still mad at you" notes that i knew they were. am i just exaggerating this?

 

there's also the financial aspect. i'm only 18. i'm a freshman in college, i don't have a very well-paying job (actually, they fired me a couple weeks ago, because the hours i was working were too sporadic. i understand their position, but it's hard to waste 2 hours cleaning gym equiptment every day, when i have a major project due practically every week and rarely get any sleep, more on that in a bit). i don't come from a well-off family, there's always money worries and things breaking down that are very expensive to fix. although i did get a generous financial aid package and a very good scholarship from the university, and a few, though small, outside scholarships, that only covers just over half the cost of a year. i got a payment plan, and i had a decent-paying job over the summer, and worked enough hours to earn enough to pay a few months' worth. all in all, i had enough come november to have been able to pay by myself until that point without loans or any help from family. i knew at the beginning of november i needed to get a loan, but i was so busy i kept telling myself, ok, i can do that this weekend, right now i need to go back to the studio and finish my project, or, i need to take a nap now, it's been 48 hours, if i don't take a nap i'll just fall asleep on my work. so i kept putting it off, or completely forgetting about it, so now it's december, and my payments' are due the 15th of the month, and i still didn't have a loan. of course they freaked out, i understand that they were frustrated, and i appreciate that they paid this month's for me (i have to pay them back, but i'm not complaining). i just don't think comments like "we're going to be living off canned food and macaroni for the rest of the year, because you've thrown off the WHOLE budget, and you're going to be having a blast and wining and dining with your little friends down there, while we're going to be scrimping, and it's all your fault because ..." and she goes on and on, never knowing that while she's doing this, i'm in the studio, or in my room with my roommates around, and there's tears pouring down my face because it hurts so much. i just wish she knew how much harder it is to be me and try to do everything i have to do than she thinks it is.

 

i'm an architecture major, and we live in the studio. people joke about it all the time, but it isn't a joke, we only see the light of day through the studio windows, or on our way to other classes when we remember and aren't too far behind. we've had so much work to do that when a girl near my desk said "wow, you mean i get to pull an all-nighter? i'm so excited, i haven't done that yet!" (and this is the last week of the semester), everyone within hearing distance just about died because everyone else would be saying the same thing about a 6 hour nap. on top of that, i tend to unintentionally make more work for myself by liking best my ideas that happen to be the most complicated, that are the hardest to re-draft and build in model, and so for this last project, i didn't even finish my model for the critique, my charcoals, imo, were **** (although the jurors liked them, dunno why... i spent all of an hour on 10 of them, that's all the time i let myself spare), and one of my drafts i didn't even measure for at all... i practically freehanded it. you want stress, that's stress. stress is also when you think you have time to take a nap before class, and you end up not being able to wake up to your alarm, instead getting out of bed, turning it off, and getting back into bed without waking up, and then waking up hours later, and finding out that you missed a third meeting of the same class, this one being a quiz, and you're not allowed to turn in homework that was assigned or due for any day you missed, and then the next quiz, you fall asleep during, and you only manage to get half the quiz done in the 10 minutes at the end of class when you finally wake up, which is an impressive amount, but still not nearly enough, and all your professor will say is "you need to get it together", knowing that you haven't been sleeping. stress is not allowing yourself to even take a nap on 3 nights a week because you know you won't be able to wake up in time for this class later that day (because if you ever do have time to nap, it's either around 5 am or in the afternoon, if there is any time). stress is finding out you have a test in another class the night before, a test that makes up a large portion of your grade, and that you haven't been to very many classes of since the last one. that is stress. that is being pretty sure i'm failing the class i kept sleeping through, which means i won't be in honors, which means i lose my large necessary scholarship, which means i can't afford to stay at college anymore. that is nothing that my parents know. when they find out over winter break, i may not be allowed to come back. "waste of money" and all that.

 

on top of all that, i don't let myself be open to people, like i said at the beginning, because it always backfires. i say something wrong and bam, first strike of the day and i'm out. over the years, and i don't know how many years, just that it's too many to remember, i've built up shells around the parts of my life that i keep to myself. you name it, i've probably got a shell for it. i hide my thoughts, my emotions of all sorts. if i'm not around my closer friends, i don't even smile, not a realy smile anyways. i feel alone, even in crowds, even with those closer friends, because i can't trust anyone anymore. i don't want to risk being hurt by yet another person. i've had family hurt me, people i thought were friends talked about me behind my back, a boy who claimed to like me and i'd kinda been "dating" in-school didn't really care, and was probably just trying to get me in bed, and told all his friends, many of whom were also my "friends" to begin with, and they told all their friends, and so on, that he was "dumping" me, several days before he told me. and these were people i thought were my friends, and who are generally incredibly nice people. i've been given unfair poor grades in classes by teachers who felt threatened because (i'm not bragging, just telling the gosh-honest truth) frankly i knew more about what they were teaching than the rest of the class, and sometimes even more than the teacher himself/herself. example: my sophomore english teacher, who invented his own very bad curriculum, and wasn't even able to teach the difference between a noun and a verb.... guess who taught that lesson. my geometry teacher gave me 50s on homeworks for no reason (2 other people worked together, and had the same exact assignments done: one always got a 100, the other, always a 50), and a detention just because. i've been cut down in critiques because i frankly didn't have time, after not sleeping and working my butt off, to finish my model, or when i tried to finish off a model, it fell apart because of the materials i was using.

frankly, i have no reason to trust people, including myself, because i too am a damn fool in more ways than i know. sure i rather liked my "boyfriend" at the time, we were good friends, but the only person i've ever really had feelings for (NOT sexual feelings though, i honestly don't want sex, call me abnormal, whatever, i really truely don't), well, he's gay. and i knew it before i really fell for him, and i don't know why that particular shell broke down, but it did. i think it had something to do with the fact that i let myself trust him, and i can't remember the last time i honestly trusted someone that much. i know i probably shouldn't have let myself trust him in the first place, but i did, because he's such a wonderful person, and so honest and open himself, that i couldn't help it i guess. i saw that he was happier with himself and his life than i am, and i wanted that kind of life too. it obviously hasn't worked for me, i just can't seem to handle being open after all these years. i just feel like i'm complaining, and i feel bad for taking up people's time, because i do have a lot of advantages, like being physically capable, mentally capable, having a family, having opportunities, stuff like that.... but somehow, the bad just overwhelms me, and because i've hardly been sleeping, and i let myself both trust and love, both without benefit, and other small things like annoying people 24-7, my shells have been breaking down left and right, and frankly i don't know how to live without them. without even realizing it, a different friend (to whom i had mentioned that i had cut my finger pretty deeply, but it didn't and still doesn't hurt (it's healed now), and that it rather amused me how nice people were, just because i had blood dripping out of my finger, the people who normally ignore me), anyways, this friend said "who's this?? what have you done with the REAL _____????", meaning how could i possibly think it was amusing, but i read that and just cried because i don't know who the real me is anymore, i'm just this cold unimportant failure of a shadow of a person. but i'm not going to start being negative, i'm going to stick to the facts of what has happened and what i feel and have felt.

 

my best friend, the one i trusted, and still do, more than anyone else, kept encouraging me to open up, break down my shells, be more honest about my thought and feelings, and stuff like that, and so i finally did, a little, and sure, it succeeded in cracking chunks off my shells, but i've been having a hard time with that, seeing something that reminds me of something else, and being on the verge of tears in public. i had both him and another friend trying to get me to explain the family part in the dining hall the other day, and i almost lost it, because my defenses are that gone now. i'm currently, as of a couple days ago, hiding behind the remnants of my shells, trying to decide what to do. i honestly don't know anymore. i've always been the strong one, the girl who isn't afraid of anything. granted, some things i like less than i'd like to admit, and there is a lot that makes me nervous, even, yes, complete utter darkness, because i get the feeling someone's watching me (the someone is probably just a different part of me trying to tell me i'm afraid of the unknown, which i suppose is pretty accurate), but i'm not truely scared of anything that i can think of or name besides what i can most correctly call being hurt. not physically, see, but hurt on the inside. i can deal with physical pain, i'll say ouch and dwell on it a lot, but i only focus on the physical hurt to distract myself from the hurt in my "heart" and mind, the kind i hate. but i'm not one to run from anything slimy or scaly or sharp or anything like that, i can deal with pretty much anything, from disgusting to dangerous to tough to pain, i do draw the line at too disgusting or dangerous or hard or painful, but my threshold for that sort of stuff is pretty damn high. although my ability to forgive myself for the stupid things i've done in the past... that's VERY low. i still remember in detail my idiocy on the first day of fourth grade... and in kindergarten... etc.

 

ok, i actually have time to sleep now, and i'm semi-wasting it here. although i really do need help figuring out what to do. i'm sorry this is so long, thank you for taking the time to read it. any suggestions within reason are welcome, although i think i'm going to have to refuse counselling, i don't want to talk to a complete stranger about my life..... i just realized how ridiculous that sounds, posting on LS saying i don't want to talk to a stranger... but i mean one on one in person or something. this is anonymous, so it's ok. the only person i'd really feel comfortable talking to about any of this is my friend whom i trust most. just for future reference, i'll call him ken, so i won't confuse anyone about real friends vs probably not friends vs the friend i trust. the others are debatable as to who's which.

 

i'm very impressed with myself, normally when i try to talk or write about something this personal, as weak and pathetic as it sounds, i cry, but this time, i came very close several times, but i didn't, and i'm proud of myself for that, if nothing else.

 

g'night all, thank you

[Outcast]

the time to read it. any suggestions within reason are welcome, although i think i'm going to have to refuse counselling, i don't want to talk to a complete stranger about my life.....

 

Everybody's a stranger at first. The thing is that professional counsellors have skills your friends and family don't have to help you with your problems. They know what works and what won't. They have been trained to help just the way doctors or lawyers or other professionals get specialized training to do what they do.

[archbean]

i just can't bring myself to trust someone until i know they can be trusted (or unless i'm anonymous like here). i wouldn't be able to trust a conselor until i've known them for awhile, and that would just be very expensive, and i can't afford that.... if i talk to anyone, then it would probably have to be ken. i just don't want to scare anyone away because of what i'd say, how i react to this stuff, and the only person i trust enough is someone i really really don't want to lose. i know that counsellors have experience and might be able to help better, but i wouldn't feel at all comfortable doing that.

 

i guess what i really want to know is, should i talk to him more about it? or should i work it out on my own, and if so, how?

[suegail]

You keep saying how busy you are but it seems to me from what you've said you're busy sleeping through your classes and worrying most about when you're going to get your next nap. And that also is the reason you've cited for why you failed to get a loan application in which you knew you needed to have by a certain date and is also the reason why you're failing classes. You seem to be in over your head, and I would tend to agree with your instructor that you do need to 'get it together.' People do lose sleep during college years...I know I did. I used to work on assignments until 3 am or later and by 7am I was at the hospital clinical site where I would meet with my instructor and class and spend a 6 to 8 hour day, and I would usually leave there and head to work in the evening for a few hours - - I also worked every single weekend, full shifts, and all holidays, never missed, but I did miss the amount of sleep I wished I was getting, but I put up with it. I had to because I had to pay alot of bills as well as keep up grades at college and I did graduate with high honors.

 

Kick it into high gear and get your shoulder to the wheel, and before you know it you'll be finished with school - - you'll have a great deal less stress hopefully and you'll have much more time for getting the rest you need. Do what you need to do now because if you wind up flunking out it's not going to be good...not at all. You'll have a much tougher road ahead.

[archbean]

dammit, that's it. i've tried to respond about 4 times, and each time, i'm almost done, and i go to backspace over a typo, and it switches sites back through the history, and i lose everything i just typed. so this time, i'm just going to give the short version of what i'm trying to say:

 

"Kick it into high gear and get your shoulder to the wheel, and before you know it you'll be finished with school - - you'll have a great deal less stress hopefully and you'll have much more time for getting the rest you need."

 

damn i hate to complain, you make it sound like it's all my fault, and i can control it by just working harder. it's more than that. sure, it's probably all my fault like stuff tends to be, but i don't think i can possibly work any harder without giving up sleep altogether, which i have tried and failed to do. i don't even have a social life, and i'm not exaggerating, because i have at the most 3 friends here, one i see all the time because we're the same major and live in adjacent buildings, and so we work together on most things, and try to keep each other sane, one i only see in the studio, and one i see whenever he visits the studio or my room when i'm actually there, or when we meet for a meal occasionally between work and more work. by "nap", i mean not something in addition to regular sleep, i mean the ONLY sleep i ever get, which rarely exceeds 1.5 hours and is rarely more often than once a 24-hour time, usually less often than that. when i do actually sleep in my room, i have a really hard time waking up. i haven't done that since i missed that third class. this class is probably the only one i'm actually failing, i thought hard about it and figure that my grades in the others aren't too bad, but one bad class will bring my gpa down below 3.4, which is what i need to keep for honors and my scholarship. i can't look forward to sleep after i graduate, which won't be for another 6 or 7 years because of my program, then i have 3 internship years, and a 12 part test before i can actually get a real job, all of which, including a real job, will take just as much time and effort as school, and so i won't get decent sleep until i'm at least 70 and retired. lack of sleep makes me very forgetful, and out of it and unable to deal with things in general, which is why i kept forgetting the loan.

 

this is just becoming less and less cohesive and understandable. i feel guilty now for mentioning anything, i hate to complain and burden other people with my problems, and now i feel like it's my fault again, like i need to just shut up and deal with it on my own. it's just so hard to never know if there's even any point. all i know is that i can't do this any more, but i don't know what to do about it. suegail, are you saying i should just stop complaining and deal with it? that would be so much easier if the only issues were too much work and not enough sleep, but i also have problems with my family, and not having any support from pretty much every angle. i know this is starting to get repetitive, but i honestly don't know what to do anymore, and it's getting to the point where i was sitting in a corner of the museum the other day, sketching for my studio class, and wrecking my paper because i was crying over it. no one noticed, thank gosh, but if someone had asked if i was alright, it would've probably looked like they'd just told me that everyone i give a damn about had just died. that's how out of control i am inside, and how much it's starting to leak through.

i'm sorry. i'm just going on and on again like i shouldn't. but that's ok because no one will take the time to read and reply, so it doesn't really matter. but i'm sorry anyway.

[archbean]

dammit, it posted twice. many apologies, i must have hit the button twice.

[suegail]

It wasn't my intention to make you feel that way and I am very sorry if I gave you that impression. Yes, I was saying 'try and find a way to deal with it,' because what else can you do? as for complaints, most of us can't help but voice our concerns and frustration when the stress is high. So please don't apologize for the way you feel or for expressing your feelings. Don't ever feel that way about it...

 

I'll say it again - it sounds as if you're in over your head, and the amount of pressure is affecting you emotionally in a profound way. You seem very bright, but enormous pressure, deadlines, and as you've said, you've got family problems on top of it all. Maybe at this time in your life this college program is too grueling for you. I don't know if there is any possible way to drop back on a few classes...is there any program coordinator or anyone at all you can sit down with...someone who could help you lighten your load in any way?? Or is it a problem with this particular college? I had a friend who went off to college and the program was poorly run and there were all kinds of problems there she couldn't live with..so she switched to another college and was extremely happy with the results. She had a much easier time. The difference was quite amazing.

 

It just seems unreasonable that anyone working on a degree should be placed in the position you seem to be in. There should be enough time for your studies and at least enough time to get rest that will sustain you. You've got a long road ahead. Maybe you could think about options you might have...as I said, i'm just wondering if this particular program (at this college, that is) is the one that is right for you.

 

Once again, I do hope you'll accept my apology. I didn't want to seem unsympathetic, though I guess it did read that way. I know younger people need more sleep...when I was your age I could zonk out for 12 hours or more, but as I got older I could get by on much less and I didn't actually begin college until I was mid 20's.