Self Esteem Building

[JS17]

I didn't have a problem with my self esteem until around the time that I found LS about a year ago after being in an emotionally degrading relationship. I'm just now starting the process of rebuilding and returning to my former self.

 

I see a lot of people on LS that could use a little help in this area too so I'm starting this thread for people to share advice and information they may have on the topic.

 

This morning I found this online booklet to help guide you to building your self-esteem issued by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services that seemed like it had some good advice.

http://www.mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/SMA-3715/default.asp

[lindya]

Good thread topic, JS17

 

I didn't have a problem with my self esteem until around the time that I found LS about a year ago after being in an emotionally degrading relationship. I'm just now starting the process of rebuilding and returning to my former self.

 

For me, self esteem means being less of a people pleaser. Letting go of any belief that your role is to make other people feel comfortable, unchallenged and unthreatened 100% - or even 90% - of the time. Accepting that some people will dislike you, and realising that sometimes that dislike actually reflects more positively on you than negatively.

 

Throwing away concerns that if you shine in anything you do, there will be people who hate you for it. Ruthlessly detaching yourself from the sort of people who constantly use put-downs and manipulative techniques to prevent others from reaching their full potential.

[Outcast]

To me it's a matter of not falling prey to thinking 'different' means 'better' or 'worse'. Conducting myself according to my beliefs and ethics and not caring what others think about me so long as I meet my standards.

[whichwayisup]

JS, because of my anxiety disorder and the type of therapy I'm doing (CBT) much of it is changing the way I think and controlling negative thoughts. Taking control back.

 

During my lowest times afew years ago, my therapist got me to do project at home to make myself feel better.

 

1)Email a bunch of friends, ask them to put down 5 things they loved about me.

2)Do 3 types of lists.

-Positive aspects of myself, things I liked most about ME.

-Good experiences I've accomplished in life.

-List all the things that make me happy.

 

3)Photo copy the list and stick it ALL over the house.

 

On those days I felt low, or just having a bad day, each room had a list that I could look at. Positive affirmations!!! I know it sounds stupid and gay, but it really does work.

 

Try it and see how it works for you!

 

Hope this helps! PM me anytime.

[JS17]

Thanks to everyone for their contributions. While this problem has really come to light in my own life recently I really wanted to start this thread for others. I thought it would be great if we had something of a reference point for when we advise the teenagers or abuse victims (or anyone else for that matter) to work on their self esteem.

[seachange]

Hey, JS17, great thread. I've been having self-esteem issues too over the past few years, which are either the cause of a recent bout with depression or the result of it (actually, I think it's more like negative feedback). I guess I've always been kind of anxious, but never really unsure of my own worth; and yet, something snapped after my marriage fell apart so that suddenly I'm totally insecure.

 

From talking to friends and reading stuff online, it seems like my problem is probably a pretty common one, since we live in such a high-pressure society.

 

I think the problem I've been having is tied to my expectations of myself, which are pretty high, and my persistent feeling that I'm always falling short. It paralyzes me, I've lost a lot of sleep over it, both of which then affect my work and relationships, and that of course makes me feel worse.

 

I know that the key for me will be to figure out how to change that negative pattern - CBT might work for me, but my current job situation doesn't include insurance and my finances are stretched pretty thin at the moment. So again, I feel a bit paralyzed.

 

What's frustrating is that intellectually, I know that my life is pretty good: I'm by no means alone, by no means without resource, and my resume (though not paying well just yet) is actually building nicely and moving overall in a good direction. If I don't blow it, my career is at a pretty exciting jumping-off point.

 

And yet, every mistake I make just resonates in every cell in my body. Ugh.

[Outcast]

Hey seachange - try reading some Albert Ellis. He's got pretty good strategies for defeating negative thinking.

[seachange]

Wow - I was just wikipedia-ing depression-related stuff and found a link to "perfectionism". Holy crap, does that sound familiar!! And one of the recommended books on the subject was by Ellis. So I'll definitely check him out - thanks, Outcast.

 

And sorry - didn't mean to hijack this thread and make it all about me!

[lovestobesexed]

I have always had self esteem issues, since I was raped by a family member, then in my adult life had many abusive relationships.

What did I do, I would eat and eat and eat, its no wonder I have a weight problem.

Usually I feel on top of the world and have a high self esteem of myself, but lately hubby has been calling me fat and ugly so that is where my self esteem goes out the window.

Its a family thing, his whole family is insulting towards their women. I have talked to him and told him many times of how he hurts me but to no avail.

I do read up on how to feel better but when he has it ingrained in me, its hard sometimes to feel good about myself.

 

He says lose some weight, one of these days I am going to lose 180 pounds and that might be him.

[Becoming]

I have always had self esteem issues, since I was raped by a family member, then in my adult life had many abusive relationships.

What did I do, I would eat and eat and eat, its no wonder I have a weight problem.

Usually I feel on top of the world and have a high self esteem of myself, but lately hubby has been calling me fat and ugly so that is where my self esteem goes out the window.

Its a family thing, his whole family is insulting towards their women. I have talked to him and told him many times of how he hurts me but to no avail.

I do read up on how to feel better but when he has it ingrained in me, its hard sometimes to feel good about myself.

 

He says lose some weight, one of these days I am going to lose 180 pounds and that might be him.

 

 

Is it harder to gain self-esteem when there's a history of abuse?

 

You probably put on the weight as a defense mechanism against ever being sexually abused again, yet a part of you always managed to find abusive relationships nonetheless.

 

How do you get this pattern of low self-esteem/self-abuse to stop?

[fomerlyniceguy]

I just finished reading "Self Esteem" by Phillip Mackay. It is one of the better books on defeating the inner self critic that seems to be ingrained in people with low self esteem. I knew how much my self esteem effected my relationships, what I didn't realize was how much it effected other parts of my life from my job, to the way I dressed, to the food I ate. Getting the self esteem in check is the best gift you can give yourself.

[JS17]

Wow - I was just wikipedia-ing depression-related stuff and found a link to "perfectionism".

This wasn't a threadjack, I think you have a very important point here that relates to many people. I read about this myself that perfectionism is a hinderance in having solid self esteem. I myself am a perfectionist, earned a scholarship to a top private university, working on Wall Street, own my own apartment in Manhattan at 28 years old, done extensive traveling, maintained a very close relationship with my family, have lots of friends all accomplishments I'm proud of but to me that's not good enough. I think everyone I know has told me that I'm too hard on myself. We know the words that there is no such thing as perfect but still we beat ourselves up when our marriages or relationships fail. Everyone fails at things but to perfectionists that means that you yourself are a failure as a person and it's not true. The words are easy to say but believing it and living it are hard.

 

So far I'm really enjoying this thread. I think everyone has had some interesting and helpful things to say and I hope we can keep it going.