Fearing a homesick situation in LDR

[op9999]

Hi all -- I've been in an extreme LDR for nearly 2 years now with a woman in her 30s from Finland (I'm in Florida). We met while she was an exchange student here, and kept in touch during the first year. The following year, she spent 3 months here (which didn't go so well; she was very homesick after a while and it strained our relationship, albeit not enough to end it), and recently I spent 3 months in Finland (which went much better, although we had our ups and downs, but nonetheless, went much better than her stay here). Yet we're still at it....

 

...but the LDR has to end soon, either by one of us moving or by just ending it.

 

I've been wanting her to move to America, but she has not been too eager to do so. She says she would consider it, but I don't see her expressing any interest; no questions about jobs here, or no initiative on her part to make Finnish connections in a small Finn community in Florida (Lake Worth). I am not about to marry someone just to test the waters, and I am hoping that she would do some research herself on finding a job through which she could get a visa. But that hasn't happened. She's not the stay-at-home type, and far from the trophy wife type, so that's a little comforting, as is the fact that she doesn't come from a second or third-world country and is looking for any chance to move out.

 

She leads a very comfy, albeit very plain life in Finland. She knows the language there, and she knows her culture, so I realize that may be hard to give up.

 

For those who wonder, yes, I have considered moving to Finland, but the harsh weather half of the year and the lack of opportunities for foreigners have all but ruled it out. I told her that, if we made it possible, we could spend summers there, and the rest of the year here. Her goals are not as high as mine (not that I plan world domination), but she could reach her goals here, but I couldn't reach mine there.

 

A lot of times, I worry that she will become unbearable if she moved here -- that she will loathe me for "forcing" her to move here, and that she could not handle the different culture here, and would want me to move back to Finland. Part of the reason I stayed in Finland for 3 months was to prove a point: no matter where you go, there you are. I did not become an ass toward her because I was in a different environment -- something she did when she was in America. I was more of a foreigner there than she is here. At least she could read a stop sign and understand it, unlike me.

 

So, my question, has anyone dealt with an LDR in which they were/are involved with a homesick person, and how have you/are you dealing with it?

[Outcast]

What about both of you moving to an entirely new country - maybe in Western Europe?

[op9999]

Then there's NO normalcy for anyone involved.

[d'Arthez]

Sorry, I had written a more extensive reply, that somehow got lost.

 

1. She or you would be giving up every access to your home culture by moving to the other.

1a. Finnish is totally useless in the US, unless she were to become a translator for Finnish manuals to US-English. And I somehow imagine that this is not why she has gotten an education. English is not the most useful language in Finland either.

1b. You would not celebrate / commemorate Independence Day, Thanksgiving, or Veterans Day in the same way, if you were somewhere in Finland. The same applies to her holidays, and customs. Totally different codes of law, and with that a different spirit of law. There are hardly two Western countries that are more different than the US and Finland, to be honest.

1c. The time-difference of many hours means that either of you would be, or at least experience it as such, completely cut off from your family and friends. And feel like having a hard time making new friends. That applies to both you and her.

1d. The Finnish or English communities in the respective countries, are useless for your goals. You cannot survive in small self-contained communities, besides, those communities consist of strangers with whom you share but a single thing from (former) home-country: a language that has lost its meaning, as it is apart from the place where it had its meaning. You would not be advancing your career - but limit your possibilities, to achieve your goals.

1e. Climate. The differences between Finland and Florida can hardly be overestimated. Does she have a problem with that?

If so, would you consider moving to areas that are more similar climate-wise? The North-East, perhaps areas such as in and around Chicago, or anything that would resemble Finland a bit more?

Climate can have a huge effect on us - and also on our moods. If you are used to the Florida climates, and suddenly get to experience arctic Finland in winter (days without sun) will seriously affect you. And of course, the same holds for her. That may in part explain her behavior when she was in the US.

 

2. The efforts issues

She does not do much research on visa, job opportunities et cetera.

a. how fluent is her English? Can she manage on her own, or does she feel she is having a hard time expressing herself when she was actually in the US? Face to face communication is much harder, than typed communication - as you will have to make sense of the sounds you hear instead of having it perfectly on IM.

b1. Why would you not be able to pursue your dreams in Finland?

b2. And why do you feel confident that she could in Florida? Her hesitation to find out about all that points to the fact that she may not be as confident of that as you are.

c. Of course she should do some research on all matters. Do her qualifications actually transfer to the US? Or would she need to get a new training all over again? If so, I can well understand her reluctance. Remember, it is not about your trust in her skills - but it is the bureaucratic requirements than can (and sometimes will) seriously mess up an international LDR.

d. Fiscal issues, especially pensions and such - are there major penalties for either of you that would mess you up financially speaking? Most countries are not as fiscally friendly as you'd like them to be, in situations like this.

e. How much does she really like the idea of moving to be with her love, as it also means to leave behind everything else? Same question for you.

e2. If you answered you would be giving up your dreams, I can understand that - but what makes your dreams more important than the dream she may have of staying in Finland? - As her actions do not seem to indicate she is very eager to move to Florida, to say the least.

 

So unless you can find a way of agreeing who is to move where at a point in time in the near future, there will be no way of making this LDR work. And you would be better of ending it.

[op9999]

You're very right as far the need to end it. We spoke today and, slowly, I have been discovering the cold hard truth.

 

I, too, am beginning to see that she is not very eager to move here. In the past, she has told me that she needed some time to prepare herself for such a move, but so far, i have not seen any work on her part. Yes, her English skills are good, although she needs to improve on them. She also once told me that she does not have anything holding her back in Finland, but lately, she seems to have changed course and says she has to stay for her work contract, which lasts another year.

 

So what makes me think my goals are more reachable here than hers here? Well, she can speak English well enough to get by here, and let's face it, how many times have we heard a foreigner here in the States who speaks bad

English yet holds a job? To mop a floor here, you don't need to speak the language. To do the same there, you do. Also, she has specifically told me that she's just looking for a job that she likes and from which she could make a modest living. Meanwhile, I run a business (web design), and I'm trying to make it grow. Finland is one of those countries where foreigners are often at a disadvantage when it comes to dealing with the natives. It's a very homogenous country, and anything outside of their norm is considered "odd" and "different." I see that my gal uses the word "different" quite often.

 

In reality, after spending a few months there, I can say that the two cultures are different but not THAT different. Sure, the pace of life is slower there than here, and they celebrate different holidays than we do, but, as a whole, they are more Americanized than we are Finnish-ized. I come from a multi-ethnic background, and I place more importance on my being rather than my birthplace. She, on the other hand, tends to say things like "because I'm Finnish" or "that's how it's done in Finland." I suppose it's common when you come from a small country.

 

Also, I think she could intergrate well into my family here in the States. Her own family doesn't go beyond her parents and siblings. No keeping in touch with cousins, uncles, aunts, or nephews. I, on the other hand, couldn't imagine doing such a thing. (Perhaps that's a cultural difference right there, i don't know.)

 

As far as how much we love each other, we do quite a bit, although, you're right, we are still trying to determine if it's enough to make the big move. In reality, I'm still trying to determine if we are the right people for each other. Talking on the phone is different than living together, and when you're apart for months at a time, it's hard to figure out another person until you live together. She once told me that I could see the real her in Finland, because, as she put it, she has "more power" there. Well, I went there and didn't act differently just because I was in another country. Im hoping my recent visit there showed her that, no matter where you go, there you are.

 

Another thing that has been eating away at our RL is the fact that, at 34, she says she feels her biological time clock is ticking. I can understand, but I am not ready to marry and have kids before knowing that we are right for each other.

[d'Arthez]

Well, she can speak English well enough to get by here, and let's face it, how many times have we heard a foreigner here in the States who speaks bad English yet holds a job? To mop a floor here, you don't need to speak the language.

Yet however, if she has to apply for a visa and work permit, I doubt such a job would give her access to the country. So whatever she has a degree in should do the trick. But that requires she is quite proficient in English.

 

In reality, after spending a few months there, I can say that the two cultures are different but not THAT different.

I think you are underestimating that perhaps. Many things appear to be similar but are in fact not - but because the American culture is the dominant culture worldwide it is not hard to see the similarities. However for the differences things may be a bit harder.

Sure there are symphony halls in the US and Europe. But that does not mean that going to the symphony is the same experience for people in the US and Europe. And that can apply to almost everything.

So on the surface it may well seem that you think along similar lines, and have the same interests, but beneath the surface things might be quite a bit differently.

 

Also, I think she could intergrate well into my family here in the States. Her own family doesn't go beyond her parents and siblings. No keeping in touch with cousins, uncles, aunts, or nephews. I, on the other hand, couldn't imagine doing such a thing. (Perhaps that's a cultural difference right there, i don't know.)

Could be cultural, could be anything. But even so, just because she does not have such an extensive family life, does not mean she appreciates the contact with her siblings and parents any less than you do with your relatives.

 

In reality, I'm still trying to determine if we are the right people for each other. Talking on the phone is different than living together, and when you're apart for months at a time, it's hard to figure out another person until you live together.

Absolutely true. But that is what the two periods of a couple of months were for, in the first place. And if you have so many doubts, and do not see her making moves in order to solve the distance issue, one way or the other, it might indeed be the time to reflect and wonder what you should do.

 

Another thing that has been eating away at our RL is the fact that, at 34, she says she feels her biological time clock is ticking. I can understand, but I am not ready to marry and have kids before knowing that we are right for each other.

And I can't blame you for that, to be honest. Just try to find out what the two of you (each) want, and whether or not the both of you can make this work.