looking for some advice

[emotionallytired]

I think that I am being verbally and emotionally abused but I am very confused. Lately my boyfriend's temper has been pretty bad. He has been breaking things and punching walls when we fight lately. He has been calling me names (which he has never done before) and getting in my face bad. The other night we started fighting and he got nose to nose with me and screamed at me while holding our 9 month old son. Our son was crying because he was scared to death. I told him to look at our son, he was scaring him, but he wouldn't he kept screaming at me. I cannot get the look of my sons face out of my mind. He makes me feel that all of our arguments are all my fault. That he is going through so much this last year and I do not care. I have done everything I can to help him. He is always saying how bad his life is. He has even been talking about suicide in the last month. He told me one night that if I didn't quit with my attitude than I would be wiping his brains off the wall. I cannot stand the fighting anymore. I don't have the energy for it anymore. I feel like he has been getting more hurtful in the things that he says,but if I say something back to him, than it is all about what I said. It is like he has forgotten what he said to me in the first place. I am mainly concerned for my son. I dont want him to grow up seeing this especially if it is going to get worse. That is my other concern, if I stick around, will it get worse? I am scared to leave him because he has already threatened that I could not take our son with me. He also makes me feel like I am all he has. Everyone else has abandonded him. It makes me feel really guilty. Sorry so long, but I could really use some advice. Thank you in advance.

[sparticuss]

My dear. If you do not do double time to the DIDs. (Dads in Distress) site then you WILL BE WIPING HIS BRAINS OFF THE WALL.

You said you don't care that he has been going through a bad year. Excuse me! Love, true love, always cares. And the fact that you are even aware that he has been going through a bad year must mean that hes been going through absoloute hell, because men don't normally mon and carry on about such things.

 

ie Don't moan about a broken fingernail, or a forgotten anneversiary, when the buisness, that he works a 70 hour week on, so that BOTH of you can enjoy the good life, is going to the wall. I have news for you. That buisness, IS more important than your grandmothers birthday.

 

Now get hold of the DIDs site. And start to REALLY understand men. Get your information , about men, from men. Not from girlfriends who's relaitonships are even worse than yours.

[mommy of 3]

She didnt say that she didnt care, she said that HE doesnt think she cares. She wouldnt be on here if she didnt care.

 

What you should do is get him some help. he is not only a danger to himself right now, but possibly to you and your son also. Seeing the two of you fighting and yelling could potentially be damaging to your son. In my house, my husband and I have a no yelling rule. If we disagree about something, and it starts to get heated, we go to he bedroom and talk it out. if we feel like yelling, it has gone too far, and we seperate and cool off before trying again in a calm manner. My children have never seen us yell at eachother, and as a result, when my 10 year old daughter gets mad, she goes to her room, and comes out when she can think of what she wants to say to me without saying it in anger. Same goes for me when i speak to my children. We also dont allow other people to come into our home and yell. My sister continuiously yells and screams at her children, and as a result, they dont listen to anyone until they have made them so mad that they yell. They have become immune to people that speak in a normal tone, and do not react when given an instruction. Your husband could use some support, and most of all some therepy. Explain to him when he is calm that it is not good for your son to hear those things, and that he should get help for his sons sake. He cant possibly be a good father when his emotions are out of control like this, and he needs help to get them back under control so that he can focus on being a good parent to his son.

 

IMO to be a good parent, after you have a child your thoughts, and your actions have to change. Your choices ALL have to be made by thinking "how will this affect my child?" or "how IS this affecting my child?" Your child didnt ask to be brought into this world, but now that he is here, it is your responsibility to make sure that he has not only a safe life, but that his quality of life is good. Your friends, your family, YOUR BOYFRIEND, they should all be a part of making sure that your child is sheltered from the badness of the world. Your friends should know that it is a rule to smoke outside because of your son, or that you dont allow cussing, or yelling as a part of your household rules. All too often children grow up thinking that verbal abuse is a natural part of life or that everyone gets mad and yells sometimes. If you teach them that this isnt true, then by example, they will learn to control thier anger, and talk about things that bother them only after they have cooled off and have a clear head. I was raised in a home with 2 bi-polar parents who flew off the handle at the slightest sign of stress, and now my sister feels that its normal. I however saw this and detested it. I wanted my children to never feel the sour, scared feeling that i used to feel in the pit of my stomach. I hope I have been helpful.

[sparticuss]

Lately my boyfriend's temper has been pretty bad. He has been breaking things and punching walls when we fight lately.

============================

What do you mean "WHEN we fight". I am seeing the same blaise attitude then infects most wives and girlfriends ie the whole casual attitude to fight that they are somehow a regular, common, normal part of any relatinship. They aren't!

 

You have said that he's been going throught a bad year. How have you DEMONSTRATED your support for him?

[whats wrong with me]

but i really needed to get this conversation away from where it was, I'll be out of here right after this.......

 

antibarbie==I agree that is only a matter of time. I might have just pushed that time closer by discussing all this. I dont know what I was thinking.

 

I do want to assure you that nothing is currently going on except his cheating. Actually if I could have overlooked him messing around things would have been pretty darn good.

 

One thing is for sure I'm coming back to my senses after looking around this place. I posted trying to get advice on how to overlook his cheating , but after being here a few days I remember what my plan was before things "got better".

Reading everyone elses posts is setting my straight again on important issues. One thing that I always thought a couple years ago was that the next fight would be the last for one of us. I do know alot more about what to do now because of the situation i was in.

 

We will be okay.