My poor husband and my jealous mind

[A Beautiful Love]

My husband and I have a wonderful, loving relationship. He knows that I have jealously issues and works with me on them. We openly talk about why I'm jealous and he tries to rationally make me see when I'm being jealous in non threatening situations. After I freaked because I caught him looking at porn a while back he agreed not to look anymore. He has never been to a strip club and when we go out, we go together because we have a better time. My husband loves me with all his heart and I love him with all my heart.

 

The problem is that I get jealous when a naked women shows up in a regular movie we are watching, when his friends talk about how hot other women are in front of him, when his coworkers openly flirt with him, when he glances at a pretty woman, when we are out having drinks and he even talks to another woman... I'm sick, I know. I know that he would never cheat and that is not the issue. I think the issue is that I can't come to terms with the fact that he will think other women are sexy, that he finds other women attractive even though he says otherwise. My husband says I have insecurities problems but I find myself feeling like this even when I feel beautiful and confident.

 

I've bought some tapes and books to try and help. I've gotten nowhere. My husband suggests that I see a professional because it is messing up our marriage. I don't want to be this way. I think maybe some of the problem is that my husband and I have been together since we were teenagers. We have never had other lovers, its just been us two, the way we like it. It is a rare thing these days. I've never had to experience dealing with his past and now I'm thinking that he wishes he could have had other women when he was younger. He assures me that this is not the case. I feel terrible when I lash out at him, accuse him of things he is not doing. My imagination just takes hold and I lose all control of myself when I feel jealous.

 

Any helpful advice or am I forever nuts??

[LucreziaBorgia]

My husband suggests that I see a professional because it is messing up our marriage. I don't want to be this way.

 

When reaching inward and helping yourself doesn't work, there is nothing wrong with reaching outward and getting some help from someone else. You may find yourself like a woman in the desert reaching an oasis once you find someone who can really listen to you and offer you some real help.

 

You need to get some help individually, or your marriage will end. Marriage counseling wouldn't hurt either. There is no way around it when you have run out of self-help options. What you are doing is killing you inside - not only do you feel the paranoia, but you feel the guilt when you can't control it and see what it does to your husband. This is grossly unfair for him to have to live this way, and horrible for you to have to go through. I feel bad for both of you.

 

I hope for both your sakes you'll look into individual and marital counseling.

[Outcast]

I absolutely agree that you need a therapist to help you overcome this. As I said elsewhere, you're afraid of monsters under your bed (your husband wanting other women more than you). There is no monster - your husband doesn't feel that way - yet you still fear the monsters. If neither you nor your husband are able to persuade you that there are no monsters, you need someone with advanced skills in helping people to overcome these sorts of beliefs.

[ZGT1503]

I totally feel for you because I am the same and it is not a problem that is easy to overcome. I started counselling for this a few months ago as it was becoming so destructive and I am finally in a relationship which means enough to me not to ruin because of my insecurities.

I can identify with every situation you describe where you are jealous - women's names being mentioned, women in the street, talking to/about other women (even friends), on films. I am also not an outwardly insecure person, and I don't feel unconfident about myself or unsure of how my boyfriend feels. I trust him completely and he is not flirtatious and is extremely loving towards me.

As we both know, the problem lies not with them but with us (for whatever reasons). I tried for years to read books and fix the issue myself, but nothing worked. I have only attended counselling for a few months and it is a long process, but I would recommend you try. It has helped me understand the reasons WHY I'm jealous. I am just frustrated because I'm not yet at the stage where I can translate that into how I FEEL or REACT emotionally. Of course, I'm scared I will always be like this, but I think you're at the same point I was - there is no other choice than to learn how to control it, for the sake of the relationship, and for yourself.

There is nothing worse than feeling jealous, it is an awful feeling and I feel physically sick sometimes. I desperately want to stop being like this myself, and I wish you the best of luck in overcoming this.

Please don't be afraid to ask for outside help. As LucreziaBorga says, there is nothing wrong with reaching outwards when you have tried every other way yourself and it hasn't worked. I was very reluctant to start counselling as I saw myself as someone strong and confident enough to solve problems on my own. But I couldn't, and I will try anything to stop feeling jealous.

So... do whatever you need to do, but remember you are not alone in feeling this way, even if it is irrational!

Good luck!

[secrettruth]

Hi there, I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. These feelings are hard to rationalize.. and we all post in forums like this for concrete answers to our raging jealous feelings. But when it comes down to it, the truth is terribly harsh- men are visual and polygamous by nature, and that's a fact.

 

That is why even when they have a gorgeous woman in their house (you), they want to look at other women (visual and polygamous you see?). This fact is something that women feel like they have to juggle with constantly, but most of the time, they lose- even if they are yelling at/controlling their husbands, bf's, etc, they still lose in the game. You know why? Because you cannot control a man's thoughts.

 

The next second, even if he's not looking at porn or other women, he is thinking about them. It's hard to draw the line even between men's visual fantasies when they look, and their imagined fantasies! So either way, women don't women. By men being the way they are (visual and polygamous), they turn women against each other, when this shouldn't be the case. In a male dominated world, women are pining for men's attentions to gain the tiniest amount of power, but in the end, men's natures turn women into enemies of other women.

 

Who is the real enemy? After looking at all of this, the answer is simple- the man. My best friend is a man, and I had these insecurities, despite not even dating anyone. Once he rented 5 or 6 movies from the library and I saw while he was checking them out that one was very suggestive looking. When we went to his house, I told him to show the movies he got.

 

He deliberately didn't show me that one, KNOWING that I would not like it. So this means that men are the way they are, regardless of what women think- rather than him respecting my tastes and refraining from such movies, he chose to HIDE it from me...to make a long story short, I ended up fighting with him over this matter, and finally ended up punching him in the nose.

 

My anger got so out of control that men can be so absolutely sick that they cannot just stick with what they have or respect that their female friends do not want to see this kind of crap. Many men argue that women aren't mature enough to handle men's crap like this, but here is the truth once again: If a man were mature, he would enjoy the woman that he is with and not bother with other women. Stripclubs are immature. Porn is immature. Players and "pimps" are immature.

 

The whole sex game that the world is playing right now with hypersexualization of everything from toilet paper ads to weight loss ads is immature. The idea to use nudity and sex is to cater to the immaturity of men. And unless a man is asexual, he is basically immature. If he has surfed porn in the past, and you have told him not to, this just suppresses him more. When a man is told not to be animalistic, he becomes suppressed. What happens when a man is suppressed? He makes bigger mistakes, and becomes more immature.

 

The reason why women in this world even have a doubt why their attitude is wrong is that this male dominated media world caters toward these male animalistic attitudes, and defends the way they are. And because media influence has power in society, this leaves women confused about their jealous feelings. This issue is more than jealousy- it is about injustice. The way men and women were created, it's just not fair. Either way, men win. As long as men get sex in the world, they win. If they don't, they lose (look at 40-year old virgin). In the prehistoric times, men could screw any woman in sight, but they wanted control over who their women were with.

 

That was their nature. So what happened? A contract was created that a man was registered with a woman for exclusive rights with that woman. That has slowly progressed into monogamous marriage. But. What is marriage? It is a contract that states for a man that his wife will be faithful to him. That was how it was started- the intention for it wasn't contingent on whether the man was faithful or not. Marriage is just a way for the man "to be sure" about his woman.

 

This is why these things are happening. Even after marriage, men don't give up their porn habits, or looking at other women in provocative ways, or even strip clubs. Why? Because by nature, men have declared it their exclusive right to have sex with any woman they want, and they expect that all women in the world should get along and be consenting females to their work. Hey, think about it, if women COMPLETELY agreed to everything, men would be very happy- except when it comes to ownership.

 

Hey, I don't care what kind of man it is: player, pimp, jock, geek, nerd, antisocial... they were all created the same way, and if they were raised to operate by their instincts, they would screw every woman in sight. It's only society's laws that are stopping them right now. These ideas have constricted into little pockets of everyday life, like your husband looking at porn, or watching naked women on tv.

 

But if you look at the larger picture...by marrying a human being with an animalistic mindset, you are participating in that age old practice of male ownership contracts... and they come with their own implications, in that you can't change your man, because from the day he is born to the day he dies, he will be the exact same.

 

When women are young, they may enjoy sexual things, but when they get older, they mature and move on and are more interested in family and relationsihps. But men? They are still interested in one thing: sex and naked women. Why is it that you find so many old men as old as 80 or 90 molesting young women? Is is true for old grandmothers? HARDLY! If men were raised by their instincts, every man when he reaches 80 would be molesting a 4 year old girl! With men's existence, this is a sick world!! Honey, YOU are NOT sick.

 

The idea of marriage is sick. These days, with images of britney spears f***king everything in sight and then talking about marriage, women tend to get confused and chose marriage and relationships with men as an option of security. In trade for a financially secure life, women chose to give up their sacred virginity to animals who can only cause harm, hurt, and disaster to relationships. No matter how hard you try, men will never be 100% faithful to you.

 

They always want more than you. Because to them, all women are objects to be played with. If you don't agree that all men believe women are objects, then show me a man who vehemently opposes to pornography and nudity of women in the media, with the exception of his own wife! You will not find such a man. (unless he is completely and naturally asexual) My advice? Do not get married.

 

For financial security, get a good career and earn a lot for yourself and have friendships that are valuable to you. Romantic relationships will only bring your emotional spirit down and invite undesirable feelings of jealousy and hatred of other women. Learn to love other women as your sisters, and be very wary and cautious of animalistic men.

[Babylonia Beaune]

'Scuse me, but I'm a woman and would you please place me in your "animalistic" people stack along with men? I have always loved porn and I love sex and I love really wild dirty sex, too. I do very much love to share my desires and pleasures with my hubby but it's extremely difficult because his motor has never run as hard as mine does and he's just not that interested and hasn't the enthusiasm I desire from a sex partner. I would hate him to read your letter and conclude, "Babylonia's an animal," and rush off to divorce me. I've tried and tried to rev up his engine but so many boundaries and no-no's he puts up that I'm weary of trying after so many years of marriage. The porn I happen to like shows mostly women, too, and only sometimes men. You'd think my hubby would want to go there with his own little animal but naw... I could tell you other things about us animals, too, and then you'd think me a real monster, no doubt, so I won't. I've been married pretty long--almost 25 years--and I love hubby very much... It's quite a problem we have and not easy to work out... People who think sex is bad and wicked solve such problems with a hard blow from a very blunt instrument leaving a lot of undiscovered pain inside others...

[barfool]

Whoa. Was that reply by secrettruth sarcastic? I just got very frightened of my own gender from reading that.

 

To A Beautiful Love:

People should never be ashamed of seeking assistance. You have obviously recognized the irrational behavior and that's more than a lot of people can do! Sometimes it's hard to find a therapist with whom you mesh well so don't give up if it doesn't work at first.

[Hockeysticks]

Secrettruth, I agree with you there - women have to be be so careful it's unreal. It doesn't matter what anyone says to disagree with you, men will never change. Use the basic example of man meets pretty girl in bar - he's attracted of course. Look at the second example of man meets unmade up girl with bad skin, glasses, scruffy hair etc and he doesn't find her at all attractive. Obvious, but speaks volumes. A well trained man will treat you well. An untrained man won't. :-)