Did I marry the right person?

[scared and confused]

Well, I met my now husband just over 3 years ago. When I met him, I was dating someone else. Less than a week after we met, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. About 2 weeks of seeing each other, I broke it off with the guy I was orginally dating. (Had been dating 10 months). To make a long story short, I got pregnant. My husband and I got along great through the whole pregnancy. When I was about 5 months along, I went out with my old bf to a movie. I had to see if I felt anything for him anymore. The problem was, that I did. But I also had feelings for my soon to be husband too. I was stuck. I told my old bf that I was sorry, that I couldn't see him anymore, but that we could still be friends.

Well, like I said, my husband and I got along great through the whole pregnancy. I was also living with my mom through it too, and he was living with his dad. I didn't move in with him until my daughter was 2 weeks old. All went well for a while. When my daughter was about 4 months old, we started fighting alot. Then, we all of a sudden got along. 2 months later, her perposed to me, and we were married 7 months later. The first few months went pretty well. We've now been married just over a year. And we fight about 85% of the time. The last few months I've had off and on thoughts of leaving him. But I can't bring myself to do it. I told him at one point that I was considering it, and we had a big fight. He told me that we could work it out. So, I stuck around. I have never once cheated on my husband, and I haven't even considered it an option either.

I just sometimes feel like I married that wrong person. I still have feelings for my old bf. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years. I've had these feelings since I was dating him. They just never went away. I keep wondering if I just left him to be with my husband because I was pregnant. If I do leave my husband, I'm not saying that I would run back to my old bf. I would just want to be alone for a while. I've always had someone, and not enough "me" time. I know that sounds selfish, but it's true. I'm just afraid to leave my husband, one reason being my daughter. She needs her daddy, or even, what if he takes her away from me? I do everything with my baby girl. I couldn't bear to be away from her. She is my whole world.

What do I do? Am I just an idiot?

[JayKay]

Having a baby creates a strain on almost any relationship. You are both learning how to be parents and have much less time for just the two you. Many people start fighting more when a baby comes along.

 

I think a lot of people start fantasizing about ex BF/GF's when marriage gets challenging. It doesn't mean you married the 'wrong' person -- it's just ex BF/GF's are steeped in mystique and nostalgia while the husband is someone you see everyday, in all his imperfect glory.

 

Sounds like you barely got to really know each other before you got pregnant and got married. That's a lot to take in. You probably had some communication breakdown at some point and now both have a lot of pent-up disappointment and anger. You are both feeling stressed and having a hard time coming back round to how you both used to feel.

 

You need some one-on-one time. Ask your parents to babysit and take weekend just to be with each other. Start sorting through why you're so angry with each other and what leads to the bickering.

 

See if he's willing to do some counseling, even if it's just short term. It could get you back on track.

 

I think almost every couple, when they hit a rough patch, sometimes wonder if they married the 'wrong person'. Most times, it's just because they are not sure how to maneuver through the rough patch.

 

Marriage challenges you -- constantly.

 

Try to work things out with your husband. Ask yoursel if you've been a good listener, have you really tried to communicate, have you two had any time for yourselves, just you two.

I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet.

[A man's view]

We have to be careful when making permenant decisions. You stated that you have never cheated on your husband, but I ask you do you realize that you have a cheating heart? It is up to you to control what you do and to be careful to make the right decision. Your heart caused you to leave your old bf for the new. Then you wonder if you did the right thing by going to the movies with your old bf. Did you new bf, now your husband know of this date? Now you are thinking about your old bf but say you won't go running back to him. News flash...you will. However, you don't know if he will accept you now because 1. 3 years have gone by, 2. you left him and he may feel betrayed, and 3. you have a kid.

 

However, the stem of your question is are you with the right man now. That I don't know. Only you know. Be careful in your next decision. Some times divorce may be necessary, but don't let others talk you into it and also don't make the decision so quickly as you have made others. Think this one out carefully. Get yourself in order and ask youself...Do you want to live with him?

[jmargel]

IMO you did cheat on your husband and still are to this day. Did you tell your husband that you went out with your ex? You can't make a relationship work when a 3rd person is involved. Have you two tried counseling?

 

Honestly you have been cheating since day 1. You cheated on your ex with the new guy, then once being with the new guy went out with the ex (cheating even though you didnt kiss or have sex, etc..) and in your frame of mind you are now confused.

 

Perhaps it's not your husband's fault the reason why you two are fighting so much. Perhaps it maybe your lack of something you have inside you emotionally. Either wanting to experience that 'new love' all the time, the challenge, the excitement.. who knows.. Are all your life decisions like this? Have you flopped from one side to the other?

 

Only way this is going to be fixed is by going to a marriage counseling and being honest with your husband and yourself. He's defensive because he can sense what has been going on and you as well because you are scared of the unknown.