Cheating Baggage- how to trust anyone?

[oceangirl2]

I was previously married for 8 years which ended when I discovered that he was having an affair and planning on leaving with the OW. Once the dust settled, he admited to at least 8 flings while on business trips. The whole experience left me confussed about monogomy and if people could be faithful to one person.

 

Fast foward to the present and I've now been married 5 years and have a small child with a wonderful man. I've always been cautious because of what I went through. My husband has previously never given me reason to suspect him but lately I'm concerned. We had a party and a cowoker and their spouse attended. I didn't detect any chemistry other than they were one of the last ones to leave the party. Later that night my spouse asked me how old I thought she looked and he seemed a little defensive of her. They are both managers of their respective departments and have to work together in groups a lot. I know they also talk frequently during work hours about work stuff but she seems a little flirty. Their groups each lunch together (never alone) so they do get to know one another in a general sense at lunch.

 

I went to his office the other day to have lunch and she approached us and said "hey" real causual to my husband (I don't think she saw me standing behind him) She also seemed to be standing close to his personal space. I watched them talk but I didn't detect anything but I don't know. I was fooled the last time around too.

 

There are no other signs of anything fishy. His routine is the same, no changes in looks, computer use is still the same (his profession so he's on it a lot to begin with) I did mention to him that I hoped he was being professional at work and wouldn't do anything to risk his job or his home life. He laughed it off. He's mentioned her name a time or two regarding work gossip which also leads me to believe that she must go to his office to talk "shop" which is all good as long as it doesn't cross a line. I hope I can trust him but I've also read too many stories on here about how work affairs start out innocently and lead to disasters.

 

Maybe I'm just wigging out over nothing because of being cheated on, but dang it all....how does one pay attention to gut feelings but yet not make mountains out of molehills. There is a part of me that just wants to pack up my stuff and run away so that I don't have to go through anthing as soul wrenching as finding out your loved one is betraying you.

 

Help

[wannabeloved]

I've been through the same thing as you with my previous marriage of 12 years. And I don't kow about you, but if it's done once to you, it's very tough to truly trust men. I am not married a little over 3 years now. And I am going through a tough time right now with my husband. My gut tells me something is going on, but sometimes we tend to think that because of what's been done to us in the past. It's very hard!

 

My husband and I are going through problems though and he has agreedto seak a marriage therapist which we have gone once and scheduled for another session.But he seems distant, and something just isn't right. He tells me it's because he's confused and doesn't know what he's feeling right now because of how I have made him feel disrespected and he doesn't think I will change, but I promised him if he would let me prove myself just once more tan he would see how genuine I am being. But again there's alot more to this, but I won't get into it all now.

 

So basically he's told me he wants us to have another chance, but my heart tells me he's not being honest. I guess only time will tell. But I wouldn't jump the gun for your situation, it doesn't sound like anything is going on, maybe a bit of innocent flirting possibly, but don't we all flirt with our co-workers. I know I do, and I love my husband more than anything in the world, and would never hurt him.

 

So I think you might just be letting your past influence you on this one. So unless you see any real signs, than I would just stop putting yourself through this. You don't need that, no one does. I know it's hard because I fight it daily, trusting my husband, even when there were no signs of anything, I think that's just us because of what we've been through in the past and I think our brains our programmed to think this way. But we should stop doing this to ourselves, because it's not good for us.

 

Take care & please keep posting :-)

[sylviaguardian]

Ocean girl,

 

From what you say, it's sounds like office flirting and no more. What worries me slightly is that this woman seems fairly aggressive and confident.

 

I think it's time you set out some boundaries. My exb/f cheated on me but when I got married I trusted my husband 100% and never checked up or anything. I found out he had been cheating on me with a woman from his work for a very long time.

 

I suppose we are now on the point of breaking up and he is saying"I regret so much having done this, I never wanted things to turn out like this, I am so disappointed in myself" etc etc. The point is I think to myself "Well, you could have foreseen all this happening".

 

If I were you, I'd have a casual conversation with your h and let him know that you would NEVER tolerate cheating again. That once that line is crossed, there is no going back. Tell him in specific detail i.e. you would not want to stay with him, you would divorce him, you would have NO relationship with him outside shared custody. Then outline what you mean by cheating, just so he is clear e.g. lying about phone calls, kissing etc don't let him think that anything outside of 'the act' is acceptable.

 

I sure wish I'd done this a long time ago. Maybe it wouldn't have come as such a surprise to my h to learn that, yes adultery does end marriages.

 

Sylvia

[redshoe]

Well,

 

I had the talk with him as suggested and all seems ok but he said that I'm trying to lay down "rules" about who he can be friends with at work. It seems like you can't win for losing.

 

If you tell them how you feel about their behavior they seem to act like your controlling or just jealous. During our talk I was able to explain my side of things so that he didn't tell me I was just jealous or "crazy" as my last one did.

 

However, that being said I'll just have to trust my instincts and hope that nothing comes of my worries about him and this woman.

 

Sometimes monogamy seems impossible for some people.

[SamandBran]

Hey, girlies! My, sounds like my marriage a bit, though I may be too hard on my hubby b/c of my past as well.

 

My son's father cheated on me from the very first month that I got pregnant with our son. I know this b/c 8 months later, I got enough information to find the girl that he had been sleeping with and I confronted her. And she told me when they started talking and when they stopped. It had been for about 5 months. And to make matters worse, when I went to confront her, my son's father was down the street playing b-ball like it that was his life and me and our son wasn't. He had not been there for me throughout the whole pregnancy but I had heard that he picked up the OW's kids from daycare and played house with them basically while I was mostly alone in my apartment. It was a depressing time for me and I left him after finding out the hard, solid truth.

 

About a year later, I met my husband and we just recently got married a month ago, but already I am on him about everything b/c I am scared of becoming to relaxed and "allowing" something to happen. Just yesterday, he told me he was still signing onto this dating website but later, he gave me this lame excuse as to why he had been on it. I don't trust men at all, so I asked him to leave. He began to cry and explain why he'd signed on and I forgave him b/c he hasn't really given me a reason to not trust him. He's always home, he's an excellent father to my son and a great husband.

 

We have thought about going to a marriage counseling, but honestly, I believe that I know I am the one who may need counseling so I won't be so paranoid.

 

My advice to you all and myself is to enjoy life to the fullest and deal with things as they come. I suggests that we stop "looking" for something to argue with our spouses about. They all seem like they are great men and we are surely punishing them for what our exes did. If they are doing something and we do not know, then it can't really hurt us unless the truth comes out. And if that truth ever were to come out, I am confident that we are strong enough to deal with it and make an incredible decision from there. Whether we want to move on or stay.

 

My mom's now fiance has cheated on her repeatedly with is ex-wife and probably other women but my mom stayed with him and now they are getting married and she seems very happy.

 

We only have one life to live and that's what we need to is LIVE IT!

 

Good luck, ladies.

[jmargel]

Ocean2 I don't think you have anything to worry about. My last position I was the Director of Information Technology and had an assistant with me most of the day. We were the only two in the office for the most part. Though I was single at the time she wasn't. For any person who wants to keep their own self-respect and job messing around with someone in the workplace is a no-no.

 

I've had female friends tell me that they would never stay with me if I was in that situation if I were dating them. To me that's not fair. If a spouse is going to cheat on you it doesn't matter how many tempations are there. Kinda like an alcoholic the last thing you do it try to keep the liquor away from them. They need to cure themselves on their own. Trying to keep women away from you husband is only going to drive yourself nuts. If he's not showing any signs of cheating then think to yourself how much he loves you. When that insecurity starts on you you have to mentally block that out. Do that by relaxing yourself an focusing on a moment that you & your husband shared whether it being something years ago or something recent.

 

Her just saying 'hey' casually is not flirting. Lisa & I would talk about alot of things including her marriage. I was able to give her advice & be there for her to talk to however that's where it ended. Any guy (or woman) who would take advantage of another person's problems is not one you want to be with.

 

You worry about him but what if he came to you and said 'I think you are probably cheating because you talk to some guys during the day while at work, etc.'.. When you start to show mistrust and he hasn't done anything that can get problems started.

 

He is NOT your ex-husband. Don't compare them two. That would be like him comparing you to his cheating ex.

[SamandBran]

Jmar, Great Advice!!! I am glad to hear it from a male's perspective and you had some good ideas, like us reminding ourselves of how much our men love us. That usually is what brings me back to reality. One of the biggest reminders is the huge ring on my finger that my husband let me pick out after he proposed to me. I wear it everyday and I love it. It's the best reminder I have of him. When I look at it, I am automatically reminded of everything else he does.

 

Maybe you guys want to try doing something like this as well.

 

Keep us posted and Let us know how things are working out for the two of you, Ocean.