reader Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 Give it to me straight - This guy acts like my friend, wants to get together, is so happy to hear from me, and then...Boom! I call, email and get no response. What is this?! It isn't like we just met, we've kept in contact for months. Today, I went to the Dr. to find out how serious my husband's diabetes is, I really need to talk to someone, and it's as if I don't exist. This guy is young, but I know a lot of young guys and they have a lot more compassion than this one does. Just tell me like it is. I have cried for two hours - in part that my husband isn't doing too well, and in part because something is up with this friend and I really, really needed a friend today! I'd like to say maybe he had plans, but he has known this was coming since Wednesday, and still nothing! I feel like calling and leaving a message, like what the h is up with you? But, I am trying to calm down. Right now, I think, what a jerk! I caught wind of some gossip earlier in the week, involving him and me, which is ridiculous, I haven't even seen him in two months. We've emailed and talked, but that's all. I treat my friends very, very well. I am very hurt by this. I dont't even know how to react to this - he is so hot and cold. WOW! Link to post Share on other sites
Author reader Posted December 16, 2005 Author Share Posted December 16, 2005 well, he finally picked up. I had decided I was going to find out one way or the other. He is back with his girlfriend, former fiance. He said I could email, but his gf wouldn't like it if I call. (personally, I don't get this - but whatever) I told him it was better to just know than have him not respond. He said he never got my email earlier in the week. I wonder about that - it was in my sent box... Either way, it doesn't matter. Now I know why he has distanced himself. It's perfectly ok, at least I know. I'm glad I didn't lose it. I'm glad I just asked the questions, and got some closure. I know that shouldn't matter, but I grabbed the opportunity to get it. I have really thought, after this experience and what I've read on here, if you have to work that hard, it isn't meant to be, friends or otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 You don't need this kind of stress in your life right now, you have enough to deal with. He's not acting like a friend. Cut him off. Have you considered a support group or therapy to help you deal with this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author reader Posted December 17, 2005 Author Share Posted December 17, 2005 How can I find time for therapy when I'm too busy being stupid? My husband is going and his counselor has asked me to come in. I go next week. My only concern is the vibes I give off that attract this kind of person. I'm sure he's very nice when he is normal. He just wasn't in a normal mode when I met him (broken engagement), and obviously, neither was I. My friends think he is an a**h***, because he has been so hot and cold. What I find so weird is the sense of loss I feel, even thought there are people out there who could be a much better friend. I feel like I need to wean myself off this guy. I know it won't work out with his gf, but I wonder why, or why the heck I even CARE. I have my hands full, but need to find yet one more thing to stress about. Why am I so stupid? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 It sounds more like a crush than a friendship. I suggest you make friends of women from now on. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 I don't have the answer to that but I'm the same way. I keep falling for guys who couldn't give a crap about me and then I end up being the one that gets hurt. I think you have to make a conscious effort to stop allowing these men access to you either emotionally or phsyically. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reader Posted December 17, 2005 Author Share Posted December 17, 2005 Outcast, that's what it was on both sides. I kept it at the friendship level because I'm married, and even if I weren't, I prefer to know someone a little while, to see what they are really about. I have other male freinds who are fine. Js17, The bottom line is, how do you know the difference? I just hope he stays away long enough for me to get a grip. I'm off until the new year, so it should be easier as long as I don't weaken and call or email. I am ridiculous. He got in where most people don't. He could have told me last week he was back with his girlfriend instead of telling me he had "plans". Why not be honest? We weren't doing anything wrong anyway, so what was the big deal? We all know the answer to that! He wanted to string me along. I am so, so glad I didn't do anything I would regret and totally screw up the rest of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 Listen, I'm sitting at home crying over someone who dumped me 5 months ago and never cared about me at all, on a weekend night none the less. I'm hardly someone to be dispensing advice in this arena but I'll try. Well the hot and cold and the sudden withdrawl is what the kind of person that you want to be with will not do. Unfortunately these things usually don't show for quite a while into the relationship. I don't know if you can avoid it but I guess you (and me both) need to learn to not place faith and trust in people so easily because you are almost sure to be disappointed. And yes, he wanted to string you along. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 I guess you (and me both) need to learn to not place faith and trust in people so easily because you are almost sure to be disappointed. You can't run from life..by not trusting or not showing faith in someone that has done nothing to us we limit how far that particular relationship will go. You need to put faith and trust in someone in order to get close to them.. it can tough because it means lowering your guard and being vulnerable.. But you have to do it.. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 You need to put faith and trust in someone in order to get close to them.. it can tough because it means lowering your guard and being vulnerable... Yes EVENTUALLY. I think that some people put trust and faith in people very quickly before they really know the person. The fact is she was relying on someone to be there in a supportive role for some really big issues when she had only known him for a few months. He hadn't proven himself as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reader Posted December 17, 2005 Author Share Posted December 17, 2005 Art Critic, I suppose you are right. What this person did was make me realize what was missing in my life. Fortunately, I knew it should not come from him. For that, I should be grateful. Interestingly, I have a very good friend who listened to my story tonight and said the whole thing with him is bs anyway, even the story about getting back together with his gf. She said he just doesn't want to be alone for the holidays, and if he really cared about her, he would have made it clear to me long ago. I guess she wants to get engaged again, for the 3rd time, to him, and he said no and things will not be the same as they were, but they are working things out. Right! She told me this not to convince me that there is hope, to tell me that he is trying to keep me around and that he is screwed up. I was better off with my books. (thus the user name) Thanks for letting me vent. I am amazed at how much time this has filled up. I don't know how to change this part of it. I just feel awful. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 Yes EVENTUALLY. I think that some people put trust and faith in people very quickly before they really know the person. Think about this.. If you both are doing the same thing..( Not showing faith/trust ) Then you will never get to know each other.. The friendship will never get past the beginning stages because you will both be keeping yourself at arms length.. You have to drop your guard and trust someone to let them in and for them to let you in. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 You can't run from life..by not trusting or not showing faith in someone that has done nothing to us we limit how far that particular relationship will go. You need to put faith and trust in someone in order to get close to them.. it can tough because it means lowering your guard and being vulnerable.. But you have to do it.. I don't know...I'm beginning to feel you can't put your trust in people. I think putting trust in your God and or Your Inner Faith is more understandable. People are constantly changing...You can't depend on or predict anyone's behaiovr or feeling. I think you can be open to new experiences and people, but as human beings we are not perfect, we constantly change our minds. By placing your faith in people you will always be disappointed. By not trusting and putting your faith in people you are able to simply be and accept what happens and not feel the betrayal when things don't go your way. Not having faith and trust doesn't mean you must be hard and cold and become bitter in or towards life. It just means I won't expect you to behave this way and I will trust that God or my Infinite Intellgent source will provide what I need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reader Posted December 17, 2005 Author Share Posted December 17, 2005 No Js17, maybe I didn't explain.. (too upset) I didn't even talk to him about the heavy duty issues. He would keep in contact enough to keep me going and wasn't available when it suited him. He didn't know until today what my situation is, and I told him that when we talked on the phone. The only person who was heavy duty was him, begging me to call him at 11:00 at night when he was distraught about his girlfriend and I had to get off the email and go to bed so I could get up and go to work the next day... He knew only in the sense that my husband didn't feel well, but honestly, the way he acted tonight, I don't think he remembered it. I think common courtesy, which is something he expected, would dictate to return a phone call or email, and if you are not interested, say so. It's easy. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 He would keep in contact enough to keep me going and wasn't available when it suited him. This is how you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reader Posted December 17, 2005 Author Share Posted December 17, 2005 Yes, but you only know that after the fact. He always explained, always shared, always was good, after the what I will now call the "lost" time, when he wasn't available. You don't know when you are in it, because it sounds perfectly legitimate to have someone say they were hunting all weekend, when you know they hunt and know they have a cabin in the next state. After all, how would you know otherwise? The fact is you don't know because these people are experts at doing this. That I do know. He got caught, only because he said he was busy last weekend, and then slipped today and told me he was back with his girlfriend, which, for all anyone knows, could be a lie anyway. It's all f**** up. And as I said before, we only had a friendship, so WHY LIE? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 we only had a friendship, so WHY LIE? One of the unknowns is what his feelings are..If his feelings went past friendship he might lie.. I dunno... Link to post Share on other sites
Author reader Posted December 17, 2005 Author Share Posted December 17, 2005 Art Critic, That is the consensus, with my friends and some of the people who wrote in my other posts. You did tell me long ago to stay away from this guy, that he would end up hurting someone. Shoulda listened... This is really awful. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 Art Critic, That is the consensus, with my friends and some of the people who wrote in my other posts. You did tell me long ago to stay away from this guy, that he would end up hurting someone. Shoulda listened... This is really awful. I did go back earlier and look at your posts from a while ago and was wondering if this was the same guy.. Sometimes you can't control what someone else is going to feel or how they are going to react to those feelings.. If you learn from this then it had a purpose Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 Well, the only thing I can say is, he is your friend...On HIS terms though. I'm betting you've been there for him, listened to him, offered up advice, etc... The thing is he may not be able to handle hearing your stuff. It's not nice, but some people are just like that. If you want his friendship than maybe you need to see that he is a certain type of friend, just very casual, not someone you can rely on...I know you want him to be there for you, but the signs are there that he isn't going to be. Sounds like you need a bunch of women friends. Men can be terrific friends, but when it comes to the real deep stuff, some have trouble handling it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reader Posted December 17, 2005 Author Share Posted December 17, 2005 Yes, I have learned that a few things are missing from my life. I just wish I could post here during the day, but I work at a school and this website would not fly. You know, I've read the whole NC thing. If he writes, do I do nothing? I have this terrible habit of thinking that I have to treat people well despite everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 If he writes, do I do nothing? I have this terrible habit of thinking that I have to treat people well despite everything. No doubt that you have to draw the line .. Tell him that you don't feel comfortable with the friendship anymore and you would like to go your seperate ways.. Don't feel like you owe him anything..You still should be nice to him but you can be curt and still be nice. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 Reader, I think you need to realize that you are emotionally attached to this guy. Maybe he realized it and withdrew himself as you have a H. It was a sh*ty way to do things but some people just don't like face to face talks. You realize he filled a need in you, this is an alarm bell to someone who is married. You are relying to much on him when you should be talking about these things to your H. I am not trying to be harsh with you, just trying to let you see your reaction to his actions. Keep him no more than an acquaintance if you want to get over your feeling for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reader Posted December 17, 2005 Author Share Posted December 17, 2005 Yes, and he was attached to me. He'll be around when his gf dumps him again, so I need to be prepared... I'm feeling better. And like I said before, he didn't know about the heavy stuff. I just had to wait until I was sure he was playing some kind of weird game. Now I know. If he didn't want to keep me hanging, he would have come out and said over a week ago that he was back with his girlfriend. His disappointed response when I told him how happy I was that he was back with his gf spoke volumes. No matter. Today's a new day. I know the difference. I just need to get back in the zone of not feeling like I have to be too nice. Thanks very much for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 I'm not sure if I got the whole story right. You started something that might be called an "emotional affair" with a co-worker who kept you in his back pocket which made you feel bad, obviously worse than the fact you're basically cheating on your husband (whom you didn't mention in the beginning at all, did I get this right?). And now you're wondering what he does, what he feels for you, of course, you only do this because you thought he was your friend and you could trust him. If he ever had feelings for you, then it's no surprise he's confused, you are married, you obviously have feelings for him, because otherwise you wouldn't worry so much what he thinks of you and you wouldn't feel so hurt when he's not jumping at your command. You are married, did you forget this???? You should concentrate on your marriage and leave your friend alone, he's not there to boost your ego. People who are not so selfish let go of "friends" when they see that their friends are in love with them. If you like him back, then you have a problem, you have a husband. You either get a divorce or you stop fantasizing about how a relationship between an older woman and a younger man would be. Am I the only one who thinks this is the greatest hypocritical bullsh*t ever??? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts