What kind of s**t is this?

[reader]

Sweetheat, you don't know enough about me to make such an assumption.

 

Not everyone is part of the 98%.

 

I don't mind opinions, that's what I'm here for. Save your anger for someone else.

 

Thanks,

[loony]

Sweetheat, you don't know enough about me to make such an assumption.

 

Not everyone is part of the 98%.

 

I don't mind opinions, that's what I'm here for. Save your anger for someone else.

 

Thanks,

I don't mind to be corrected as I did indeed not read that thoroughly through all your threads. If I jumped to conclusions, then I'm sorry, but this is the impression that I got from your posts as far as I've managed to read them.

[reader]

It's ok. Believe me, if I knew what the He** was going on, if I could have even had a clue, I would not be in this situation. I have spent a long time working full time and going to school full time, raising kids, and now dealing with a husband who might not be alive in a year, and quite frankly, this just hasn't been a normal situation, whatever that is.

 

What Art Critic said is true. If you don't leave yourself open to new people, what quality of life do you lose when you make that decision?

 

I guess the trick is knowing when it won't end up being a good thing, especially when you are as vulnerable as I have been.

 

I did see my husband's Dr. yesterday. The concensus is my husband needs to request a specialist, which is what I told him last night. I don't think the general practitioner takes or has the time to consider what is best for him.

 

He will have complications, and I've pretty much covered that in my other posts. I did go to the American Diabetes Association website and emailed my questions. I got responses through my email at work and it has been very beneficial.

 

One of my administrators asked me yesterday what was wrong - she knew I was leaving work to see his Dr. She told me to make some good friendships, (which I have been doing, all the others are positive and solid), and to move forward with my career. She also invited me to her party next week. So, we'll see.

 

You never know what people's motives are, good, bad or ugly, and they may not even be motives, they might just be trying to get through life.

 

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that if you have to work this hard, it's not worth it.

 

Thanks all. I really, really appreciate your help.

[loony]

I'm sorry that your husband is so sick, but I still don't understand how you can already look for a replacement when he's not even dead yet? And all these posts about your younger friend without even mentioning your husband - I don't get this... My only guess is that you married young and had too much responsibility and too little time to really care for your own needs and to develop a more aware understanding of what is going inside of you.

[reader]

Looney, I thought you got it.

 

I'm not looking for a replacement. In fact, I think that is a terrible thing to say. Please, leave me alone. You don't get it. I'm in a different place entirely. I'm not a kid, didn't marry young, and take my responsibilities seriously.

 

Life is not so black and white. I guess you must think when people get married, they are cut off from the rest of society.

 

If you are out in the world, you are out, and you meet all kinds of people every day. This was just a weird thing. And, if you read the posts about my husband, you will know that I did mention him. Dealing with this is not something that is easily defined.

 

It is also very difficult to collect research on this, which is what I do for a living. Finding any kind of common sense guidelines in dealing with someone with a serious illness who is living in denial is difficult, as I mentioned, the ADA ended up being a good resource. I can find symptoms, treatment, but rarely did I find anything to let me know what to expect, and that is what I needed to know. I got my answers yesterday.

 

I think you are jumping the gun, Looney. You never know the potential someone has until you know. You also see the limitations as well.

 

It is a fine line.

 

All in all, I appreciate what has been said.

[In Sync]

It's ok. Believe me, if I knew what the He** was going on, if I could have even had a clue, I would not be in this situation. I have spent a long time working full time and going to school full time, raising kids, and now dealing with a husband who might not be alive in a year, and quite frankly, this just hasn't been a normal situation, whatever that is.

 

What Art Critic said is true. If you don't leave yourself open to new people, what quality of life do you lose when you make that decision?

 

I guess the trick is knowing when it won't end up being a good thing, especially when you are as vulnerable as I have been.

 

I did see my husband's Dr. yesterday. The concensus is my husband needs to request a specialist, which is what I told him last night. I don't think the general practitioner takes or has the time to consider what is best for him.

 

He will have complications, and I've pretty much covered that in my other posts. I did go to the American Diabetes Association website and emailed my questions. I got responses through my email at work and it has been very beneficial.

 

One of my administrators asked me yesterday what was wrong - she knew I was leaving work to see his Dr. She told me to make some good friendships, (which I have been doing, all the others are positive and solid), and to move forward with my career. She also invited me to her party next week. So, we'll see.

 

You never know what people's motives are, good, bad or ugly, and they may not even be motives, they might just be trying to get through life.

 

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that if you have to work this hard, it's not worth it.

 

Thanks all. I really, really appreciate your help.

 

For me, after having read through your posts and your description of your situation You have two separate worlds going on. The one which involves your husband and dealing with his illness and the world which involves this friend and your relationship with him. Though it may not be sexual with this friend, you are in denial if you don't can't see how tied to him equally emotionally....Because you are helpless and can't control what's happeninmg with your husband and his health...your friendship with this other guy was something you thought you could count on "control" the outcome and when that proved uncontrollable because this friend has his own "motives"...you are caught between two worlds.

I don't think anyone means to imply anything callous or malicious by questioning your entanglement with this guy..it just seems like you got involved at a time you are in a vulnerable situation with your husband. These are not separate incidences. One involvement does effect the other.

If you were not attached to this friend, you could care less about having to be nice to him. If you didn't do anything mean or act abhorantly to him you needn't concern yourself by appearing nice to him.

Forget the guy. He's not a friend but a distraction or avoidance to the uncontrollable situation with your husband's health.

You've got alot on your plate, stop and look and see what exactly does this relationship with that guy do for me.

 

I responded to this post because you put it out here.

[reader]

Thanks,

 

Why else would I put this out here if I didn't want a response? Stop and think. What isn't necessary is the callousness in which some of the responses were handled. Let's face it, this site isn't brain surgery, and perhaps this topic is too complicated for this kind of forum.

 

Seeing someone choose to die is awful. It is devastating to everyone around them. It is a slow bereavement, and extremely difficult because you wonder what you are supposed to do to try to stop this. It's complicated, heart breaking and devastating. It's too much to write in this kind of venue, so I did the best I could in explaining the situation.

 

Sorry, I'm nice to everyone. I see an awful lot in people and their true colors come out eventually. They just don't usually know I know it. It always ends up that I trust my instincts, sometimes that takes a little longer, especially now when my defenses are down.

 

You never know what life will bring you. If I didn't care about my family, I wouldn't be here, on health websites, seeing my husband's Dr., or seeing his counselor.

 

My questions were to ensure that I was making decisions based on what I believe in.

 

Of course there is a connection in all the parts of my life. See the above sentence. I am trying very hard to protect myself from people who might not have my best interests at heart. I have very,very good girlfriends who are helping me along.

 

You never know what you will do in given situations. It's way, way too easy to assume the worst.

 

Now, I would ask that if anyone else has some constructive suggestions, or words of support, please PM me.

 

Thank you for your help.

[JS17]

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much reader. Can I take a stab at what's going on here?

 

You're taking care of a sick husband and your children. Then you have some kind of relationship with this other man and while you're going through so much on your own he spends the entire relationship talking about his problems getting support from you but you don't even mention yours. You keep describing yourself as nice.

 

From the outside, with only the little bit of information that you have posted, I believe that you have a problem with not taking care of yourself which is somewhat common in grown women. You have a right to support and to be able to talk to this friend about your issues but you chose not to in order to help him. You have needs and you are allowed to put them first. Is it possible that this is a lesson you need to learn?

 

When I said earlier that you can't put your trust and faith into others so easily I believed that you were the supporter and expected him to do the same. You were the nice guy and there for him for unconditional care and support and you expected the same from him in return. He never gave it to you and you were surprised when he didn't but you never asked for it. It was a one sided relationship because you believed he would give you the unconditional support that you gave him.

 

Was what he did nice or right? No. But it doesn't sound like you were getting your needs filled in that relationship. By not opening up about your life and creating a developed image of yourself to him it became easier to walk away.

 

I hope this was helpful and you didn't take it as criticism. I think you're in a really difficult situation and I don't envy you. Dealing with a terminal illness in a spouse is something I know nothing about but hopefully you can find a support group in your area with professionals that can help you cope.

[reader]

You are right. From the little I posted, you couldn't figure it out. You are still jumping to conclusions.

 

Others did figure it out, with eloquence and kindness. Art Critic, thank you. Yamaha, thank you.

[loony]

I'm not callous, but it seems you're in denial about the emotional affair that you had with this guy. This was not a platonic friendship to start with. Maybe this is harsh what I say, but I think the best thing you can do now is is to concentrate on your husband and not looking for explanations why the other guy is acting so weird or is not treating you well. Wouldn't it be better to concentrate your efforts on convincing your husband to overcome his resistance and see a specialist? You're wasting your time and energy on someone who doesn't need it. It might be your way of coping with your husband's disease, but it's not going to improve the situation at all. This is an avoidance reaction to pain and to an uncertain future, but it only gives you short-term relief. If you really want to change the situation and avoid regrets in the future, then concentrate on your husband. You will later surely feel more regret that you didn't concentrate fully on his disesase now than that you didn't analyze every move of your friend. He's just a short-term investment, your husband is the long-term one. There are reasons why he feels so reluctant to go to the doctor, find out what they are. Get books on communication, find information on how to deal with sick spouses

 

Let's face it, this site isn't brain surgery, and perhaps this topic is too complicated for this kind of forum.

You're certainly mistaken and there's no need to imply that we are not smart enough to understand your problems. People here may not be in your situation now, but maybe that's the reason why they see things more clearly.

[JS17]

You are right. From the little I posted, you couldn't figure it out. You are still jumping to conclusions.

 

Others did figure it out, with eloquence and kindness. Art Critic, thank you. Yamaha, thank you.

That's ok, I'm sure you're just being angry and awful here because of all that you're going through. Sorry we couldn't help you.

[reader]

Looney, your name fits you.

 

Reread the posts.

[loony]

If he was one of your girlfriends, you would have made one post, taken the advice, tried it and if she still acted like this, you would have kicked her out of your life for her lack of empathy. Why invest so much time and energy in this guy if this was purely platonic? I rather think you are denying your feelings for him to yourself, because deep inside you know you shouldn't have them and you also can't allow yourself to have them.

 

That's just what I think, if you find it offensive then of course I will stop posting. If you don't find my advice useful, then there's no use in continuing posting.

[smile95]

This is how you know.

 

ok you may not know me if you are new here but I am Beth5201, now smile95. I AM THE QUEEN OF WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU!

 

Yes he is stringing you along. He will drop off the earth and then come back as soon as you pull away or he feels he has lost the hold on you. I waas with my ex for 3 yrs or so and all I wanted was a friend. He was not concerend with anything going on with me, but it was all about him. A family member died 2 wks ago and I turned to this so-called "friend" and I got nothing in retunrn becasue it did not affect him in any way. But once something happens with him or he is not busy, I get a call acting like nothing happened.

[d'Arthez]

Why then were you in a relationship with your ex, instead of just a friendship, Smile95? Or are you referring to another guy?

[smile95]

Why then were you in a relationship with your ex' date=' instead of just a friendship, Smile95? Or are you referring to another guy?[/quote']

 

hey D

 

Becasue, sadly, it took 3 yrs to see that he was not concerned with me at all. i thought things were great all of that time until recently. had I seen what I see now, I would not even be a friend to him. I was "in love" -riiiight!

 

oh and I meant that i wanted a friend in him more than anything. Not just a friendship, but a bf who was my best friend that I could count on.