seachange Posted December 18, 2005 Share Posted December 18, 2005 I mean death. Oops. Totally misunderstood, I did. The death of a partner would be far worse. Given the choice between losing something that never really existed (and hopefully finding the real thing elsewhere) and losing something that did - I'll take cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Enygmatic Posted December 18, 2005 Share Posted December 18, 2005 I think that being cheated hurts more than if you partner died. Death is something we need to accept, everyone is gonna die so its something that would have happened anayway. When someone cheats on you, that person hurts you really deep, especial if you were playing a clean game, you feel betrayed and misserable. Even if you forgive the other person, the relationship will never be the same and its more likely to be over faster. If you break a cristal glass you can still glue it back together, but it will never be the same, it will never have the same resonance Link to post Share on other sites
NYCmitch25 Posted December 18, 2005 Share Posted December 18, 2005 I have this special question that is very dear to me and I'm sure it also interests a couple of other posters. Tell me how bad you would feel if you found out your partner cheated on you? Would you care at all? Or do you think it would be as bad as the actual loss of your partner? This isn't really an obviously answerable question because it can vary so easily from extreme pain to something much less depending on the situation and person. Strangely I would be most upset that the person tried to keep it a secret more than anything else, I would feel like such a fool. Needless to say I would be quite an irrational person if I went though it.. I guess I'm way more vunerable than I would like to admit. Link to post Share on other sites
NYCmitch25 Posted December 18, 2005 Share Posted December 18, 2005 I think that being cheated hurts more than if you partner died. Death is something we need to accept, everyone is gonna die so its something that would have happened anayway. When someone cheats on you, that person hurts you really deep, especial if you were playing a clean game, you feel betrayed and misserable. Even if you forgive the other person, the relationship will never be the same and its more likely to be over faster. If you break a cristal glass you can still glue it back together, but it will never be the same, it will never have the same resonance And cheating isn't something we need to accept as well? Human emotions are just as inevitable of a "trait" than anything else... thus cheating is to be human. Interesting, in a sense you are implying that you fear cheating even more than death itself. Which leads to a bigger question, whether or not you fear it even more than public speaking? Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 This is a really hard question. I think it would depend on the situation. I think I could handle a one-night drunken slip up. I'm not a jealous person, and I think my relationship is so much more about becoming partner's for all aspects of life, not just sex. I enjoy sex, and it's an important part of my relationship, but the point is, it's a part of my relationship. What I really love about my relationship is being able to be completely relaxed around each other, to know each other's thoughts, emotions, and even mannerisms, to be able to plan our lives together, planning to experience most of life's great moments together. The desire to have sex with someone else is a biological thing. If he gave in, I don't think it would destroy our relationship. On the other hand, if it was an ongoing thing, the things about our relationship that make him special would start to develop with that person. Then what would we have? In conclusion, while I would surely be hurt by physical cheating, I think I could get past it. Emotional cheating...I would be crushed. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 For me it would be a heartbreaking deal-breaker. I would leave him because it would be the only way I feel I could keep my dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 For me, although an emotional affair would be painful, a physical affair would be FAR worse. If any part of my boyfriend's anatomy had been in another woman's body, I would not want to be with him again...as someone said, he would lose his "specialness." I would be physically sick and withdraw my affections. I know when I suspected a boyfriend of cheating, I couldn't even sleep with him. Before that, when he was talking to an ex, I was pissed, but still wanted to be with him intimately. Generally, I think emotional affairs happens first, followed by physical affairs. That's why it's worse in my book. It's the final phase in cheating. We already know that there has been some big time sharing and flirting going on before two people sleep together. And if it was just a physical encounter, then the cheater will probably do it over and over again and cares little for relationships. A loser either way. I understand what the poster was saying about death. Cheating is like a death of the person you loved. That person doesn't exist. This cheating loser does. BUT, if he had really died, then you could have gone on believing in the wonderful person he was. Once cheated on, your whole reality caves in...It can seem better to lose what was real than to have lost something you never even had....trust is so essential. Trust in others, trust in ourselves that we have made a good choice to trust someone... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Once cheated on, your whole reality caves in...It can seem better to lose what was real than to have lost something you never even had....trust is so essential. Trust in others, trust in ourselves that we have made a good choice to trust someone... Well said. Link to post Share on other sites
makaze Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 I would feel awful. I don't think I would be able to concentrate on my daily responsibilities and it would make my life a mess. I would want to forgive him because breaking up and never seeing him again would be worse than being cheated on. But I don't know if forgiving him would work out in the end, the trust would be gone forever. It's not worse than the thought of losing him. Because that is the worst that could happen. If something happened to my SO, I can't imagine ever continuing life in a normal way, I don't think I could eat, sleep, talk etc.. for weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
seachange Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Once cheated on, your whole reality caves in...It can seem better to lose what was real than to have lost something you never even had....trust is so essential. Interesting...I sort of think the exact converse of this. As I said earlier, I'd rather lose something I never had than something I did have. Because as you said, when you're cheated on, your reality caves in - but that is an internally-created reality, and speaking from experience, you can put yourself back together and re-orient your reality, so to speak. The hardest part is being willing to trust again...but people are quite resilient, really. It takes time and is deeply painful, but it can be done. But when someone you love dies, that is a true, final, permanent loss. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 isnt it interesting that ego has such a powerful hold over people? if we became enlightened would cheating no longer be considered a crime? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted December 22, 2005 Author Share Posted December 22, 2005 isnt it interesting that ego has such a powerful hold over people? if we became enlightened would cheating no longer be considered a crime? Why do you think it has to be about ego? Let's assume your mom would suddenly start telling lies about you, wouldn't you feel that she betrayed the trust you had in her? Or would you also tell yourself that it's not that bad and everybody else who feels different has a problem with his ego? Or let's make it worse, let's assume your mom tells you, you're not really her child, you were adopted. A lot of people who experience such a revelation have difficulties coping with the sudden change of their little world and the loss of familiar structures, do they also have an ego problem? Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 It hasn't happened to me (to my knowledge), but if it did then I don't think I'd feel much of anything other than initial anger and a strong desire to put it behind me. I'd just realise that the relationship was a sham and that my SO was full of sh*t. I'd then completely cut them out of my life and forget about them as soon as possible, preferably by having sex with lots of attractive women in a short space of time. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 Why do you think it has to be about ego? Let's assume your mom would suddenly start telling lies about you, wouldn't you feel that she betrayed the trust you had in her? Or would you also tell yourself that it's not that bad and everybody else who feels different has a problem with his ego? Or let's make it worse, let's assume your mom tells you, you're not really her child, you were adopted. A lot of people who experience such a revelation have difficulties coping with the sudden change of their little world and the loss of familiar structures, do they also have an ego problem? well yes, that is definetly ego isnt it? id. in enlightenment these things would not affect you would they? hardly anyone is truly enlightened though, it was just a question. it is something to think about thought isnt it, when we begin comparing a threat to the ego with the death of a loved one, then it is quite telling of the state of mind we as a race are in. not very good is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted December 22, 2005 Author Share Posted December 22, 2005 well yes, that is definetly ego isnt it? id. in enlightenment these things would not affect you would they? hardly anyone is truly enlightened though, it was just a question. it is something to think about thought isnt it, when we begin comparing a threat to the ego with the death of a loved one, then it is quite telling of the state of mind we as a race are in. not very good is it? I compare death and cheating, because when a beloved person cheats on you, they are violating your trust and the faith they have in this person. You're suddenly faced with someone whom you don't know anymore and the person you thought he/she was is gone. What's so difficult to understand about this? And you say that people who suffer when their mother betrays them or who discover that she is not their biological mother, that these people have an ego problem? When their world gets turned upside down and their reality is suddenly altered they have an ego problem. I think I should stop discussing this topic with you, it's getting ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 i didnt say it was an ego problem. where did i say that? i did say it is ego, identity etc. only because it is. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 some people might say that comparing a loved ones death with being cheated on was a ridiculous topic to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
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