blind_otter Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 BOt: Are your slim figures like the ones in this picture http://qag.qld.gov.au/site_popups/collectoin/collection/man_feeding_his_dogs or are they even more stick-like? Also, pardon me for being a bit thick, but I’m now unsure as to whether you are having true night terrors, or whether you are having a sort of transient paralysis as you wake up, and feel frustrated rather than afraid. If it’s the latter, you already know you have nothing to be concerned about (well, you’ve always come out of it haven’t you?) However, it would be really interesting to hear more detail about the shadowy figures, such as whether they are male or female, and whether it would be possible for you to send messages to them. Clearly, if you can’t move, you can’t actually speak to them, but you probably know we can communicate in dreams without speech. Please believe me. No matter how weird they are, all these images have some real meaning that can be put to use. Best wishes, and I’d love to hear more about them. They DO look like that. usually they are luminescent, though. I was terrified when I was young. Now, I know this is weird, but since my seizure cluster I don't feel terror any more. Just anxiety and discomfort. Something got switched off in my brain. I know the figures are sexless, as far as I define it. Sometimes I feel like they are discussing me but I never understand what they say. I feel somewhat like a very inferior being. Like a dog, or something. Can't understand WHAT they say.... Link to post Share on other sites
enki Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 BOt, thank you for the exposition of what your shadowy figures look like. They fit precisely into the current discussion on “Boundaries.” We all know a computer is a wonderful tool (when it works!) and it can do lots of useful things, eh? But it’s not much use for hammering nails into pieces of wood though, is it? By analogy, the paternalistic rule-setting archetype (program) in our brains is very useful for providing predictability, stability and order, but it is not the optimal program for designing boundaries. We all learned the hard way that strong, even harsh boundaries were necessary to preserve our sanity and even our lives when we were kids. But in adulthood, rigid boundaries are going to invite trouble, so we need flexible soft biological boundaries, what infantry soldiers call “defence in depth.” A rigid boundary can be blasted to pieces, but a mobile group of soldiers who keep moving back and forth as if in a dance with their attackers is much harder to pin down and defeat. The programs in our brain can usually be observed in projection as Greek gods and goddesses. The program for boundaries is seen in the god Hermes, Called Mercury in Latin. Do you recall trying to pick up the substance mercury in science classes? It’s very difficult. Hermes is like that. It’s the brain program that allows us to be tricky, unpredictable, clever but kind and communicative, with a playful element, very much like Rumplestiltskin is becoming under the influence of Becoming’s Queen. And very much like the figures you see in your half-dream state, BOt. The figures you see BOt will respond just as well as Becoming’s Rumple man if you ask them what they want. They too, probably want to play, and they are your own images in your own brain, so they are certainly not going to do you any harm. As kids we were unable to use this program. Our brains were simply not sufficiently developed until the age of about 14. But as adults we do have the ability to use this very amusing but vitally important entity within ourselves to set effective biological boundaries which are too subtle for many people to see, but which keep them at an appropriate distance, while still allowing effective communication. There is a photo of statues of Hermes and Artemis (the huntress and dancer) at http://membres.lycos.fr/chateaudedampierre/photo.htm Unfortunately the link only takes you to the index page. The statues are in the fifth photo down from the top, on the right hand side. I’ll be away for two days, but hope these ideas help. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Well, back from the crazy doc! It went well. Of course I had a crying spell with the nurse evaluating me and then again several times with the dr. They were surprised I'd made it this far without meds. Testimony to how strong I am, they said. So, I'm armed with meds- Paxil- which worked well for me in the past except for it messed with my RLS. She says she will substitute something for RLS if that happens, since I had success with it. She will add Wellbutrin if my sex drive decreases, because my two conditions were weight gain and sexual side effects. She also said she was wondering if I was a bit bi polar- not like the most typical kind but perhaps the more rare kind. I told her I had wondered that myself but she said she wasn't ready to step out on that branch just yet. I also got something for sleeping! She said she will re-evaluate me in two weeks to see how the meds are working and do fine tuning. Later she said if it appeared that I am cycling while on the meds that she will reconsider the bi polar thing. I have an appt with the talk therapist next week. Her hopes are that with talk therapy as well as meds that I may can begin to function at a high level again and that I can keep it that way. Which is my goal. To know what causes these spins out of control and how to learn how to control it. She said medication though, considering my history, might be a lifetime thing for me- which I've heard before. I hate that to feel normal I have to take one medication and then offset the side effects with two others?? WTF?? Doesn't seem right I know but I guess when you've tried alot of others, and the side effects are unbearable then that is what you have to do??? She asked me if I thought I married my husband on the rebound? I guess I can see why she might say that, but I don't feel that way at all. DId I rush into marrying him? Perhaps, because it had been so long since someone was good to me- but I didn't marry him on the rebound. So, I'm back and as nutty as ever but still kicking! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becoming Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 YEAH! I don't know how it is for you, but for me, I dread even asking for help out of this immense fear I'll just be disappointed, which is worse than just not asking, in my mind. So to hear you were listened to is really great news. I'm able to concentrate better now that I'm sleeping better/deeper. I also hate taking the meds just on the principle of the thing, but I have high cholesterol and the drug I take for that works very well, so why should a brain thing be any different? Drs. and H (and I as well) used to wonder if I was rapid-cycling bi-polar, too (which I think is the kind you're talking about). But I think mine was swinging back and forth between these two parts of my personality--my emotions and my organized logic that worked like crazy before my out-of-control emotions sabotaged. Now that I'm actually not trying to tamp down on my emotions all the time, the mood swings are greatly diminished. There are still times, though, when we all wonder. I hope your therapy goes well. It's a relief to be on the road to wellness with help, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 YEAH! Drs. and H (and I as well) used to wonder if I was rapid-cycling bi-polar, too (which I think is the kind you're talking about). But I think mine was swinging back and forth between these two parts of my personality--my emotions and my organized logic that worked like crazy before my out-of-control emotions sabotaged. Now that I'm actually not trying to tamp down on my emotions all the time, the mood swings are greatly diminished. There are still times, though, when we all wonder. I hope your therapy goes well. It's a relief to be on the road to wellness with help, huh? Well, I've always wondered if I could be bi-polar. Mainly because at times I do feel almost "high" for no apparent reason. I just would never say it outloud. Yet, no doctor has ever told me that before today. So, we shall see. It does feel good to be on the road to recovery. Yet, I'm exhausted from the details. I felt like i needed a full legal pad full of information for them to review. I didn't even scratch the surface at all though! Much more to come! H is getting on my nerves. Don't feel like posting it much but he's on my bad list right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becoming Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 To celebrate my 1000th post on LS I have come here to offer a word of hope and thanksgiving. It’s Ash Wednesday, a day I’ve always liked because it’s like cleaning the ashes out of the fireplace to make way for new fires. It’s being reminded that there is a force that even in the midst of death, decay, and destruction gives us beauty for ashes. I feel like a phoenix rising out of these ashes, ready to take wing toward a new day dawning. I’m feeling stronger and stronger (of course, it may be the meds;) ). I am Artemis/Sophia Spirit/Queen of the Wild Things/Protector of children/Defender of Justice/Mother Bear/Wolf Woman. I stand in the space between what is dying and what is being born as watcher and participant midwife to what is becoming. I am a part of the divine energy at work in the world. I am not bad, unwanted, defective, but a delight, loveable, and loving. I am not helpless anymore. I have the power to choose who I am and how I will be in the world. I am here. I’m not going to let anyone beat me down anymore. And when I feel threatened, I will stand and say, "Now, stop!" to all the ancient fear that rises up to overwhelm. (I still need help with this, but, hey, I'm working on it with this manifesto. ) This healing would not have been possible without the many insights that those on this forum in particular have offered. And for that I am eternally grateful. Whoever you are in real life, please incorporate this knowledge about who you are into yourselves: you have been angels, messengers from God to me, especially MzP, Otter, and enki. You have taken tragic situations in your own lives and used them for healing. Thank you for taking the time, for caring, for being you and for sharing. It’s made the crazy feel not so dark and alone. And to whoever thought of and started LS—you’ve done a good life work. Thanks to be God! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I forgot to tell you that Griffonia seed extract is basically 5-HTP but much less refined. African plant. I cannot tolerate SSRIs. They make me have convulsions. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I forgot to tell you that Griffonia seed extract is basically 5-HTP but much less refined. African plant. I cannot tolerate SSRIs. They make me have convulsions. Oh gosh, how terrible for you! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 There was an episode of House about bad reactions to SSRIs. People don't know enough about it. I suppose since it's a freakishly small percentage of the population then it doesn't matter that much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becoming Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 I love House. I think that's my favorite show on TV. What's scary is that I understand House. I saw that episode and thought of you, as a matter of fact. That wasn't too long ago. Link to post Share on other sites
enki Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Becoming's 1000th, illustrated version. To celebrate my 1000th post on LS I have come here to offer a word of hope and thanksgiving. I feel like a phoenix rising out of these ashes, ready to take wing toward a new day dawning. http://www.flux.utah.edu/~aclement/templair/collection/Bob%20Eggleton%20-%20Unknown%20-%20A%20black%20dragon%20and%20a%20phoenix.jpg I am Artemis http://www.dentonlund.com/artemis1.html /Sophia Spirit/Queen of the Wild Things http://www.chrisachilleos.co.uk/main/gallerie/amazon/images/Maya.jpg /Protector of children/Defender of Justice/Mother Bear/Wolf Woman. http://www.dentonlund.com/ursa.html what is "Becoming? ...a part of the divine energy at work in the world... a delight, loveable, and loving." ...and the founder of this thread is pretty great too! Link to post Share on other sites
jasper2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Hi, I have been with my partner now for 3 months. We connect on every level and I think the world of him in such a short time. At the beginning of our relationship, sex was great - i could tell he didn't have the highest sex drive but when we did have sex it was enjoyable for both of us and I never imagined he had any sexual hang-ups. About 2 months into the relationship, he moved into my home. Although it was quite soon it worked because he needed a new place to live and my flatmate was moving out so it kinda made sense. However, since he has moved in the sex has become pretty much non-existent and our relationship has suffered because of it. We had a big chat and it seems that it all comes down to the fact that he was abused as a child and he has told me that this is what always ruins his relationships. He said that when we were just 'dating' it seemed easy for him because he didn't have any pressures of having to see me, it was more about him wanting to see me (if that makes sense) and now he is living with me he feels that it is obvious to me that he doesn't have a high sex drive and the more and more he thinks about it the more stressed he becomes to the point that he is scared to have sex. he said that at the beginning of relationships he tries and tries to put his issues to the back of his head but it always rears its ugly head and then affects the relationship. Now that we have chatted he realises that all this 'pressure' was inside his head and I have never put any sexual pressures upon him. At first I found it confusing as it just seemed like he had gone off me? but he assures me that he loves me and does want to be with me in a sexual way but at the moment he is struggling. A major thing is he doesn't seem to see that he has an issue, and said that in the past when it gets to this point he just moves on but this time he doesn't want to do that as I am the first person he has ever felt this strongly about and the first person he has been so open with. He says it's just certain sexual acts that he finds uncomfortable as these remind him of his abuse, but once he is 'in the mood' he is fine. I can't help but think that he doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore but if he didn't there is no reason to be with me? I think I just want to know - will it get better? what can I do? I have told him that any sex we now have will be his instigation. Can anyone help???? thanks Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I got somethin' ta say! If you've been sexually assaulted, raped, or molested - Do Not See "North Country". I mean it's empowering and has a great message, but I had possibly one of the worst flashbacks to date when she was raped by her teacher after a detention day. He kept her behind to "talk about something". I was in it. As soon as he closed the door and turned around I freaked. And I think that while I was in the flashback I heard the sounds of her screaming to get away and for him to stop and it made things even worse. I don't know how I feel today. I remembered parts of the rape from when I was 12 that I have never remembered before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becoming Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 Oh, BOt, I'm sorry for this pain you just keep feeling. :( But in another way I'm glad for you. (I know that sounds weird.) As you start facing all that pain and remembering things you thought you'd forgotten, it's like feeling like you did after the initial trauma. But you have to face the pain so the fear and pain can no longer run your life. You know this, but it sucks big time, and it's scary. Try watching Jumanji instead! Or the Secret Garden. Those movies helped me learn how to face my fears while also making a safe place inside my own Secret Garden. These children's movies are actually great for healing. Do what you need to to really take care of yourself (that doesn't mean numbing the pain with drugs/alcohol, which is why you started all that in the first place, of course). Find out what that is (honestly, I'm still learning this; I was always clueless when therapists told me to do this.) Find your Artemis/Sophia/Queen of the Wild Things, including those damn predators who've hunted you down to tear you apart. (I could kill that teacher. GRRRRRRR!! Honestly, I am sick to my stomach thinking about what happened to you.). Here's what my therapist has taught me as I face all those old painful scenes: I was a child when they happened. I didn't have the conceptual apparatus to make sense of what was happening, so I put all the perceptions together into a whole belief system so I could make it through as best I knew to do at the time. What facing all this trauma again does is break apart the belief system so that the perceptions can be reconfigured from a more mature perspective, that higher brain function that mitigates between the rules and wants parts of our brain. That higher brain function was just starting to develop at 12, and was no doubt messed up by this. You really can heal this time, but I swear it's like surgery that hurts before it heals. Stay in the war. You may lose some battles now and again. But you will win this war this time. When do you see that therapist? Have you yet? May you feel the comfort of divine arms hold you as you walk this dark path. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 She had a death in the family or something. Just my luck I pick a therapist who is about as mentally stable as a banana. I did a phone interview with another lady last week. She was a bit more expensive but I think I may go with her. She seemed more...uh...together. I think you are right. I was really upset and then I settled down. In the movie she got pregnant at 16 from the rape, and never told anyone. Years later she has to talk to her son about how he was conceived and listening to that was heartbreaking for me. I read that prayer you wrote for me. It calmed me down.... I forgot to mention that tomorrow is an anniversary for me, for my rape when I was 19. Good times, right? This is the first year I won't be able to drink. Link to post Share on other sites
enki Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 I think I just want to know - will it get better? what can I do? Can anyone help???? thanks Hi Jasper, and welcome to the thread. I'm sure we would all like to help, but we would need more information, specifically: 1. What was the nature, (sexual or physical) frequency and intensity of your boyfriend's alleged abuse? (Please note that all abuse has an emotional component.) 2. Who abused him, and during what years of his life? 3. What caused the abuse to stop? 4. What treatment has he sought for any effects of the abuse? 5. What contact does he still have with his abuser(s?) 6. Precisely what "sexual acts ... he finds uncomfortable as these remind him of his abuse?" 7. What is your present age, and that of your boyfriend? From what you have told us, the sequence seems to be this. Boyfriend has always had a low sex drive, but when girls challenge him on it, he just moves on to another relationship. Boyfriend meets nice girl and everything appears OK until he moves in with her, very soon (2 months,) too soon(?) after the relationship starts. Sex immediately becomes a problem. He denies he has an issue, and blames girl for putting sexual pressure on him. When you and he have a "big chat" about it, he makes non-specific allegations about having suffered child abuse. Please do let us know the answers to the seven questions listed above, but do be aware of two statements you made that sound ominous. You said, "We connect on every level..." In fact you don't. You don't connect sexually, and if he can't see that he has a problem, you don't connect much on an emotional, intellectual or spiritual level. Second, you said, "if he didn't (find me sexually attractive) there is no reason to be with me." In fact there are two other reasons. He has a place to live and a nice girl to live with him. From what you have written, it sounds as though, like Peter Pan, he has been looking for someone to mother him. Please do not fall into that trap, or you will get hurt. These guys never grow up until they confront their own problems. They just take advantage of their girl-friends, and when things get tough, they just "move on." You cannot do anything to fix his problem. He has to do it! Good luck, and let's hear how you go. Link to post Share on other sites
enki Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Hi Otter, If this day is going to be especially difficult for you, perhaps we can make sure you have at least one of us ready to support you at all times in case you want someone to chat to. If you feel it would help, I am only too happy to check this thread on an hourly basis for the next six hours from the time of this post, and cover again on an hourly basis from 11 p.m. your time until next morning. Perhaps MzP and Becoming could be there on a similar basis for the intervening times. Let’s hear what you would like us to do. Cheers: enki. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Hi Otter, If this day is going to be especially difficult for you, perhaps we can make sure you have at least one of us ready to support you at all times in case you want someone to chat to. If you feel it would help, I am only too happy to check this thread on an hourly basis for the next six hours from the time of this post, and cover again on an hourly basis from 11 p.m. your time until next morning. Perhaps MzP and Becoming could be there on a similar basis for the intervening times. Let’s hear what you would like us to do. Cheers: enki. Sending you lots of support Bot! I'll be around off and on today. Thinking of you.......... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 New skin! I started a thread about today called "An anniversary" (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=83345) I don't want to take over this thread... Link to post Share on other sites
enki Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 New skin! I started a thread about today called "An anniversary" (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=83345) I don't want to take over this thread... Hi Otter! You're not taking over this thread. You are using it and contributing to it in a beautifully constructive manner. It will be great to see what happens on your thread, but don't leave this one. Mutual support is what it's all about. You are part of what keeps this thread, um, threading? We're here for you, especially today. Good luck. We love you. BECAUSE YOU'RE WORTH IT! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 I totally do not want to be at work today. I want to be wandering around topless in the sunshine. Then again I feel like that is an impulse that I need to control. My inanse mother called me last night. Of course she's not insane any more as she's medicated, and apparently bipolar women settle down after menopause, which happened with her. She stopped by my house to drop off a ham. Yes, a ham. She never gives me leftovers, just huge portions of cooked meat. Here's half a roast. Here's 1/4 of a roast chicken. It makes grocery shopping easy. Just buy sides. Anyways she said, oh your house was clean...when I get depressed it gets cluttered. And I have 3 dogs. She launched into a big thing about how people "like us" need to have schedules. Routines. Keeps us sane. So make yourself go to work. You need it. When I don't work I get crazy anyways. Idle mind. I wonder sometimes what would have happened if this hadn't occurred, this rape. I would have probably gone to medical school like my mom wanted. My relationship with mom wouldn't have been challenged, though. I wouldn't have been brutally confronted with my own demons. My ex's mom often said "everything happens for a reason". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becoming Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 I'll be checking, too, BOt. You're at the top of my intercessions today. Jasper--enki has good advice for you. Will it get better? Yes, it will. But only if he quits running from it and starts facing what happened with a qualified therapist. For his sake, insist he see someone and start facing all that pain that keeps him enslaved in fear. Make it a condition for staying with you for the reasons enki noted (Peter Pan, mothering). If you can make it through all this thread, you'll see some of the things we all deal with as a result of abuse. It is a common response to stuff it all and just keep running away from what happened because it is so painful it scares us. But then all those stuffed emotions come out to sabotage us if we don't deal with them. He's becoming aware of this pattern, and he's trusted you. It sounds like you responded well to him with sympathy and understanding. But part of responding well is also seeing to it that he gets help--even if he doesn't want to (and a part of him doesn't want to go there because it's not pretty--it's like being retraumatized all over to remember at first). Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
enki Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Becoming, thanks for the back-up to Jasper. This young Otter person seems to be developing into quite a formidable and wonderful wench, would you not say? In your studies of Sophia, have you checked out Diotima? She was Socrates' teacher, a Pythagorean scholar and Priestess at Megaera. She had some very sound advice for him which he quoted in "The Symposium." OK, she's an historical character, a teacher and therefore (by definition) not a Goddess. But you might like what she has to say about truth and beauty. Very earthy and practical. Do have a wonderful weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Enki do you know anything about the three aspects of fate? Link to post Share on other sites
enki Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Enki do you know anything about the three aspects of fate? Yep Ma'am! Lachaesis, the spinner of our lives, Clotho, the weaver of them, and Atropos, the cutter. (Death.) May I ask why you asked, Otter? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts