How do you recover from child abuse?

[a4a]

Becoming you are so onto something!!!

I do not have time to post comparisons ect right now.... I am late for a date with the chicken man.. (dont ask).

 

But you are so right on many points and from your post just now I can see where you did not have the freedom to see your reality where I did have that chance at an early age......... sorry to leave it like this but I must run.

I will attempt to explain tomorrow!

 

All I can say is it looks like you have opened a door here! WOW!

 

YEEE HAW!

[blind_otter]

I know all this. I've been jubilant before to discover that this is all just a load of someone else's crap. I just keep coming back to these bad beliefs like a dog returns to its own vomit. Like, what's with that? :o

 

Just a part of the recovery process working its way out?

 

Thank you, enki, for your attention to our posts and asking just the right questions at just the right time. Now if I could just get you on my insurance plan . . .

 

Thank YOU for your post, B. It turned on lightbulbs over more than just a4a's head.

 

Word. I want enki therapy.

 

I had a lot of chaos. No routine. No bedtime. We see-sawed between strict disciplinarian parent to clinically depressed not getting out of bed, unwashed, non verbal parent. To this day I re-enact that chaos. Both emotionally and physically. I suppose there's something to be said for those that do only what they know.

[enki]

Now listen, you two gorgeous wenches!

 

You are both welcome to as much enki therapy as you want. Why did it take all these years to meet two such wonderful people?

 

Becoming, apostate counselling (getting out of Stockholm syndrome etc.) is one of my favourite hobbies. Oh yum!

 

Otter (I just can't ever manage to call you "Blind." Those beautiful bright eyes see more than most poeple notice in a lifetime) You could be a magnificent psychologist if you decided to. I just hope and pray you never set up shop down the road from me. You'd pinch all my patients!

 

We really are on to something. For a start Becoming, a statistical analysis of your posts to this (your) thread, shows a periodicity of 10 days for your mentions of your H's deer-in-headlights problem. That just happens to be the time that antidepressants take to work (excluding MAOIs.) Trust me plz, tabulating this data takes up three pages. Are we allowed to put that much stuff up at one time? You can have it if you want.

 

In terms of pragmatic neuro-physiology, we are starting to make contact with the frontal lobe of the brain. Wierd, I know, but that's how it really is. All the new agey stuff about spiritualism is fancy talk for what is really a very basic principle. We CAN relate to ALL of our brain if we do it the right way.

 

The REAL spiritual way (which you, Becoming already know, and you Bright-Eyes Otter also know in your own special way) is now verifiable using magnetic resonance imaging. It involves all the material we have already discussed, but with some extra insights, courtesy in part of C.G.Jung.

 

Please Becoming talk more about that "Primitive" force, and please Otter say more about your insights. I work with this sort of thing all the time. I love it. (Aw shucks fellas, actually I ADORE it. ) But very seldom have I ever had two such brilliant people to elaborate it with such sheer delight.

 

You are very precious to me. Please tell me more.

 

And don't you love MzP's prescient comment that makes us feel less like Lepers?

 

The reason I want affection is that I want affection!

 

Pleasant dreams. I look forward to chatting tomorrow.

 

Cheers: enki.

[blind_otter]

I am having reproductive organ issues YET AGAIN. My vagina hates me. And I hate my vagina. We are wed in an unholy union.

 

I know that it's related to what happened to me, sexually, in the past. I know that I know that. I KNOW THAT. But it just doesn't stop. I want to scoop out all the parts that make me feminine and be gender neutral, sometimes.

[Becoming]

It's really hard for me to sort out what's physical and what's emotional somatization.

 

I replied on other thread re: physical. I figure I owe it to myself to attend to the physical even if I think it's emotional. If nothing else, it helps the abused part of me know and come to trust that the adult part of me is taking care of me now.

 

A heating pad can help the physical pain.

 

Well, you know I'm half crazy, but in my active imagination, I sometimes have a conversation with the part of my body that's hurting to ask it what it's trying to tell me.

[blind_otter]

Ah, thanks B. I am worried now as I have no health insurance and my Mom even told me lat week to apply for the program here for people who are employed but uninsured. I really do hope it's just a cyst so I don't have to pay that much money to get fixed.

 

It feels more emotional somatization though - one of my Bartholin's glands has a cyst, the other one after a procedure still has one. It's not an STD, it's not genetic. I just have a nasty attitude towards my sex organs and it shows.

[Becoming]

For a start Becoming, a statistical analysis of your posts to this (your) thread, shows a periodicity of 10 days for your mentions of your H's deer-in-headlights problem. That just happens to be the time that antidepressants take to work (excluding MAOIs.) Trust me plz, tabulating this data takes up three pages. Are we allowed to put that much stuff up at one time? You can have it if you want.

 

I trust your stats ability far more than mine to understand it. But what does this all mean?

 

And what's so special about frontal part of brain again? Beyond the amygdala and shouldmeister crazy back-and-forth loop I've been in--a more transcendent part?

[enki]

I trust your stats ability far more than mine to understand it. But what does this all mean?

 

As of yesterday morning, you had 90 posts on this thread.

 

Of those 90 posts, 22 concerned problems with H. Exclude the mentions of H’s job, and we are left with 18. If we exclude #259 which was about him buying you chocolates and a video (hardly a problem! ) we are left with 17.

 

A random distribution of posts mentioning H would show a pattern of about one post every five days. This is not what has happened. Instead we find clusters at ten-day intervals.

 

If we print out the dates and count the number of posts about H which were posted either on each date, or within one day of it, we get:

15 Jan. 2 posts

25 Jan. 3 posts

04 Feb. 2 posts

14 Feb. 1 post

24 Feb 1 post

06 Mar 5 posts

 

i.e., Fourteen out of seventeen posts (82%) fell at ten-day intervals. I merely make the observation, because you have been upset about H’s 2-3 week “withdrawals” and it seemed possibly useful for you to know that there was another cycle working.

 

The fact that ten days is the usual figure for the therapeutic effect of antidepressants to be felt may be significant, especially if you gain some relief from feelings of frustration after writing these posts. It will be interesting to watch 16th March though, eh? And if you would like to share any thoughts on possible explanations it would be fascinating to hear them.

 

And what's so special about frontal part of brain again? Beyond the amygdala and shouldmeister crazy back-and-forth loop I've been in--a more transcendent part?

 

You are absolutely right about the transcendent part. The frontal lobe is the center of “Biological Intelligence,” that is, all the higher cerebral faculties. The amygdaloid (almond-shaped) nuclei, which are associated with sexuality and aggression, are intimately connected with that lobe. The problem is that the brain cannot experience frontal lobe activity as something going on inside itself. All frontal lobe activity seems to be from a “higher source.”

 

There is a bit of the brain called the anterior cingulate gyrus, which differentiates between ‘inner’ and ‘outer’ events. That part fails to work properly in schizophrenia and paranoid depressed states, both of which are characterized by pathological projection, so it seems relevant. Unfortunately that part itself is in the frontal area!

 

Shouldmeister is about the most gorgeous name for negative animus ever invented! Animus is introjected parental rules, especially from father. You and I both know what it’s like to have a “respected member of the community” who is also a child-basher. The only way to overcome that influence is to find a “higher power” to transform the arbitrary rule-maker into a flexible cooperative source of reliability and stability. Given that the frontal lobe is the source of that power, we can best invite it to help us by finding a ‘spiritual’ aspect to our lives. That’s not metaphysics; it’s just the way that thing between our ears works. It’s not just there to keep our hat on, you know!

 

Hope this helps, and if you would like to ask more, you are most welcome.

[blind_otter]

Thanks for all the info, enki. You are a beautiful creature of the light (this is what I call my dogs, but trust me it's a compliment considering they are the only things that I know can truely give me unconditional u-know-what).

 

Just to let you know, B, in case you were wondering -- I poked around downstairs studiously but no horrific contractions occurred. Who knows now. I'm 3 days late. worry worry worry. eat peanut butter and orange marmalade.

[Becoming]

Who knows, is right, Ot! Men are perplexed by the mysteries, but don't seem to understand we are too a lot of the time. Just the thought of a pregnancy possibility could have you running late. I had that happen to me once. I was about 10 days late.

 

10 days. I have no idea what that cycle is about. Maybe it's hormonal except I went through early menopause (is that a blessing or what?). But the cycle has been pretty consistent. I had it at 2 weeks without any stats, though.

 

I have wondered if I'm not rapid-cycling bi-polar, but I seem so stuck in the depression at this point. I've thought it's my H's inconsistency that triggers my anxiety and strange responses. But that'd be me trying to escape responsibility for my actions according to most folks (including myself at times).

 

I'm just so tired of all this turmoil. And I've got to go to work, just to create some more.

 

Looking forward to a4a's observations and news of the chicken man.

 

And where is the incomparable MzP? I wonder how the meds are working.

 

Thanks and love:love: Check y'all later.

[enki]

Thanks for the compliment Otter. Having once had a very funny, obstinate, rather naughty English Bull Terrier, I do know that unconditional you-know-what. Hope your weekend is pleasant and that your O&G stuff settles.

 

Becoming, the ten-day cycle is probably not hormonal, and you certainly are not bipolar. That would have shown up here very clearly by now. Let's just see what we can find out. It almost certainly is a negative animus problem which we can chat about when you feel like it.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hello my lovely pals-

 

I am here! The med's do appear to be helping a bit- I'm sure I'll feel the full affect of them soon. My outlook seems to be a bit brighter none the less.

 

B- I see your thread leaving H. I hate to hear that you're considering that course but you do need to do what makes you feel comfortable in this time.

 

Do you think this will wake him up? Or is this more about waking you up than him???

[enki]

10 days. I have no idea what that cycle is about. Maybe it's hormonal except I went through early menopause (is that a blessing or what?). But the cycle has been pretty consistent. I had it at 2 weeks without any stats, though.

 

Perhaps I should clarify. Your posts to this thread regarding H appear to have a 10 day periodicity. You may have a separate cycle, as you have mentioned, for becoming fed up with deer-in-headlights. The two cycles can coexist.

 

However a person's motives for writing to a thread such as this, and their reasons for being frustrated by their spouse's responses may be quite different, and thus have separate periodicities.

[Becoming]

Hey, MzP. Glad to hear meds are having some effect.

 

It almost certainly is a negative animus problem which we can chat about when you feel like it.

 

You'll have to explain this concept to me. I seem to have a negative everything at this point.

 

The fact that ten days is the usual figure for the therapeutic effect of antidepressants to be felt may be significant, especially if you gain some relief from feelings of frustration after writing these posts.

 

And this may be a kind of therapeutic cycle? Like H is a drug? Or LS?

[a4a]

ok I am here........the sun is not up as of yet so I have a bit o' time to splatter my thoughts here.

 

Of course if you are abused and in a situation where again you continue to take full responsibility you will keep cycling.

 

<Kinda funny I just watched "flight plan" last night. Some great examples of perception in that. The therapist scene made me laugh like hell, H did too.>

 

If you are told over and over you are bad, your punishment it brought on by your own doing, you will continue to believe that until you can break that cycle. There has to be a reason for you being treated in such a manner correct? So of course you look to yourself for the answer when outside forces do not seem out of the norm, you H is not beating you, you are not currently being abused ect. So it has to be YOU!

 

You have got to let go of the bullshyt. You have got to quit thinking that every minute of every day is controlled by your past abuse, you have got to make the decision to move past that. It would be like never getting over a death to stay in this pattern.

I don't think you can find peace or happiness if you throw yourself on the grave at every point when things go wrong, feel bad, or you have doubts about who is at fault. But of course it must be YOU, it was before it must be that way now as well.

 

I am not sure if I am wording this correctly, but that was then and this is now. Yes it did help form who you are, it is part of you. But there are more parts of you as well. The good parts, the parts you do like. The bad parts also helped to form the good parts. You have to accept all of them and even embrace them as a whole of who you are. You do not need to label them or compare them to a paragraph in some book you read. Just know that this is you and you have the absolute power and ability to have control and be comfortable with yourself. Nobody can punish or hurt you any more.

 

Now your H is also having some problems as well. Perhaps he is not up to par at the moment even though you are ready to really dig into your marriage he is still stalled out. Frustration. (Tater Syndrome.....how is that for psycho babble ). Lady it takes two to Tango. He either has to want to do the work and help or he does not. What if the shoe were on the other foot? Stop revisiting your past and look at right now. That does not mean you have not been formed from your past but you have the choice to change the now and future.

 

It is complete and utter BS for a person to just deny themselves what they want out of a marriage and life. Your H said himself that you could have been having an A without him noticing..... but you go ahead and say.... Oh this is my fault I am too needy, I don't deserve to have what i want.... I am the f-ed up one. Got news for ya' you are FUed, so is your H, so am I, so is your shrink, so is the clerk at the grocery store. You just got to say......it's ok. Take control of it. Trust yourself. Quit bending yourself into pretzels to fit into the ideals of others. You will never be perfect for any other person but yourself. But you do deserve to be with a person that is willing to accept you and your flaws as well as you accepting theirs and be with a person that is willing to give you what you want.

 

Your H is capable of doing so..... tell him to.

 

Since the Tater.......I can tell you my life with my H is great! It is actually getting better and better..... hell he even was reading the paper and discussing issues with me Now I could have kept thinking I was needy because I did not get the attention I wanted as a child...... BS. I was needy because I was not getting any attention from HIM!

[enki]

You'll have to explain this concept (negative animus) to me. I seem to have a negative everything at this point.

 

And this may be a kind of therapeutic cycle? Like H is a drug? Or LS?

 

First of all, please believe that because something is negative does not make it bad. (Electrons do not have morals!) Our aim is to make this animus force work for our happiness.

 

Second, you are quite right. This is a kind of therapeutic cycle, but H is not a drug, and nor is LS.

 

You and I and MzP and Bot and a4a were all brought up to believe implicitly in a way of thinking basically derived from the work of Renée Descartes. That guy was a magnificent mathematician, but an abysmal psychologist. There is another way of solving problems, epitomized in Plato’s “Symposium.” It is that type of thinking I am recommending.

 

Instead of going from point A to point B to point whatever, let’s try something different.

 

When the sun sets, you first see the brightest stars, then the less bright ones, until finally you see the constellations, right? You can do the same with thinking.

 

You have “constellated” a number of aspects of animus; Rumpelstiltskin, Jesus Christ, childhood memories of your biological father, and H. All of them reflect the multifaceted phenomena, which represents “the masculine” as you see it. There will be others.

 

Equally, you have constellated a number of aspects of divine feminine; your little girl, the Lady Sophia, Artemis, Athena, the angry Becoming, and the gentle nurturing Becoming; the intellectually gifted Becoming and no doubt the vulnerable and (understandably) totally frustrated Becoming.

 

Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream illustrates the problem very neatly. In Act I Theseus and Hyppolyta and all their staff are having awful problems. In Act II, Titania and Oberon have problems, but Puck who works by trickery resolves them. When those archetypal problems are sorted out, we find in Act III that ‘real’ world problems are reconciled.

 

From what you have written, it seems that you and H may be expecting each other to be more than each of you really are. Much and all as you love each other, he can’t be Rumpelstiltskin, Jesus Christ and your father. You can’t be all the Goddesses. Often, if we leave the mighty archetypal forces to take care of themselves (as they have, quite well, for 2 ¼ million years of human history,) and if we just concentrate on human-to-human love, we can break the cycle. We can look at someone and simply, humanly know we love them, and see love reflected back in their eyes.

 

None of us are Gods, thank the Gods! We are conduits for the Gods, the means whereby the Great Ones manifest in real life.

 

Most important, none of us can be our partner's analyst! Never!

 

We are not our partner’s children, and they are not ours. They make mistakes: so do we. If they are thinkers and we are feelers, sometimes they will stare at us like deer-in-headlights. Perhaps sometimes they see us doing something similar.

 

If so, is that not an inevitable consequence of opposites attracting? Rather like protons and electrons. Haven’t we been her before?!!!

[Becoming]

So, to simplify to an absurd degree, I know: male bad, female good? At a less-than-conscious level. (THere are times when I do know this to be operant.)

 

So how does this change? With conscious human-to-human interaction?

 

My problem is I don't know what's reasonable to expect, if anything.

 

Do I just walk around with this feeling of being violated and let down to the point where I see everything in that light? Or are people really taking advantage of me and I just think that's normal? I've come to question what reality is.

 

(Just try not to hurt her when ya take her away, boys!)

[enki]

So, to simplify to an absurd degree, I know: male bad, female good? At a less-than-conscious level. (There are times when I do know this to be operant.)

 

In 1992 Gareth Hill wrote a book called “Masculine and Feminine” (Shambhala: Boston & London) in which he spoke of static and dynamic forms of each gender. He attributed the pattern to a doctorial dissertation by Ann Bernhardt. In fact the idea is much older, 4,500 years older! The ancient Sumerians first conceived it.

 

I have looked at the Sumerian model and derived from it quite different results from Gareth’s. Empirically we can say there are two sorts of humans, females and males. Equally we can say there are two ways we can act, parentally or non-parentally, i.e., a woman can act in a maternal or a non-maternal way, and a man can be paternal or not.

 

We call the parental modes static and the non-parental modes dynamic. I have illustrated these at:

http://us.a2.yahoofs.com/users/44015a79z3ccccded/2b83/__sr_/a640scd.jpg?phoC6EEBX7FcadOl

 

We tend to go through four phases in life, characterized by our attitudes to the outside world and to our own unconscious.

 

Phase I (Between 12 and 3 o’clock on the diagram.) Static feminine. “Mum’s girl.” (0-7 years.) We expect the world to provide us with our needs without payment. Our attitudes to the world and the unconscious are essentially passive.

 

Phase II (Between 3 and 6 o’clock in the diagram.) Static masculine. “Dad’s girl.” (4-13 years.) We come to understand that there are rules and boundaries. There is a fixed order in things and we have to abide by it.

 

Phase III (Between 6 and 9 o’clock in the diagram) Dynamic masculine. “Someone else’s girl.” We begin to question and even circumvent authority in a new way. We relate to non-parental figures, peers etc. for our perceptions and values. We acknowledge the existence of change in all things. We mate and perhaps raise families of our own.

 

Phase IV (Between 9 and 12 o’clock) Dynamic feminine. “My own girl.” Most people never achieve this phase properly. It requires a relationship to the world and the unconscious wherein we may use techniques from all the previous phases, but judiciously, according to our own experience and our own value system. We relate to people as humans and see behind the earlier delusion that others (or ourselves) are super humans or deities. Thus we relate by choice, not need.

 

Disruption during any of these phases leads to inappropriate perceptions and responses later on. The late Pope provides a good example. During what should have been a normal “Dad’s boy” phase, authority was represented by hostile sadistic National Socialist and then International Socialist invaders of his country. Despite becoming leader of the Catholic Church, he continued to pray to the Mother-Goddess Mary rather than Father-God Yahweh, even having her initial carved on his coffin.

 

Moreover, he opposed change, perceived the dynamic masculine as ‘evil’ Satan, and under his leadership Jesuit theologians made quite crude attempts to suppress all the Nag Hammadi and other documents that revealed the true role of the feminine in Christianity.

 

So what about ‘H’?

 

Brought up by a doting mother but with sufficient ‘paternal’ input to make him very sensitive to social appearances. After 20(?) years marriage, his wife inevitably evolves until the dynamic feminine archetype tries to emerge. Wife begins to see that she is much more than just a mother, even to her children, and especially to H.

 

Probably H received the implicit message from his own mom that she herself is his only perfect female, so all other women, especially non-maternal ones, are evil, or sick, or bipolar: anything to avoid H himself having to evolve, introspect, adapt, grow.

 

He does all the ‘conventional’ things, marriage counseling, blaming wife’s childhood etc., etc., none of which begin to address truthfully why wife acts as she does. Hence deer-in-headlights; or as MzP puts it so elegantly, WTF?!

 

From what you have written, your own ‘depression’ is probably due to resisting the emergence of dynamic feminine archetypal material, an experience just as bewildering as puberty, and just as inevitable. The Stockholm syndrome kicks in. You are in thrall of your persecutor, the static masculine father-god image. He will try to make you suppress the dynamic feminine, even to the point of illness, even death. He is terrified of being relativised.

 

Check Deut. 5:7 Rule 1. “You shall have no other gods before me.”

Rule 6. “You shall not murder.”

Huh? If you meet someone down a dark alley what matters more; their religion, or their predisposition to homicide?

 

This is not a criticism of Judaism or Christianity. In fact it validates their true nature. Politics and poor epistemology, not theology, have suppressed worship of the non-maternal wisdom Goddess Sophia. (How often did you hear about Proverbs 8 at Sunday school?) Even those who admit her existence tend to relegate her to a mother role, the only role they can see for anything feminine.

 

So how does this change? With conscious human-to-human interaction?

 

Exactly! Insofar as a woman tries to treat husband as her father figure, she is manifestly mistaken, just as much as H is mistaken if he treats you as his mother. The recipient of such treatment will be unable to react appropriately, so the other will perceive them as “bad.”

 

Conscious human-to-human interaction allows each of us to see who the other really is, and that never includes parent surrogate or redeemer. Never!

 

I have seen a lot of women …and men … overcome depression during their 40s simply by letting go of the beliefs ingrained in them during childhood and coming to terms with the dynamic feminine as a co-equal with ‘God.’ If they are convinced Christians or Jews, it does not destroy their faith but renews it, because they find a dimension beyond “faith.” You can actually deduce the reality of “God” and “Sophia.”

 

That is why, when Jung was asked, “Do you believe in God?” he said, “I don’t just believe. I know!”

[Becoming]

Well, I am now back at work all the time now and have much less time for introspection.

 

Consequently, I'm happier -- to a certain degree.

 

I am now working through anger with therapist, which she thinks is a dandy development.

 

I am seeing how much I relate to many people in a kind of beggar-girl mode, holding out the empty cup of my soul for someone else to fill. I'd now like my dependency needs met, thank you very much, since I didn't get them met earlier. Especially since I'm not quite sure how to do that myself for myself.

 

I've been impatient to get on with this growth, but it really is like the excellent stars analogy given earlier. How I'd love to see constellations, but I only get stars coming out slooooowly.

 

Basically, I'd like to know who I am and relate without always trying to figure out what everyone wants of me and giving them that.

 

And it really does feel like puberty all over . . . without being interested in boys!

 

 

 

I love the stars and constellation analogy.

[enki]

How I'd love to see constellations, but I only get stars coming out slooooowly.

 

Sadly, Joseph Campbell died before finishing his “Encyclopedia of Mythology.” He was half way through the second volume entitled, “The Way of the Seeded Earth,” a beautiful analysis of religion and agricultural people. Next volume was to be “The Way of the Celestial Lights,” describing how the stars influenced our way of understanding our place in the universe.

 

Australia has soft gentle nights and brilliant stars. One night when I was four or five, my father came out to see me running up and down the garden path with obvious delight. When he asked what I was doing I told him that no matter how fast I ran the stars kept up!

 

He immediately accused me of being a ‘proud’ opinionated child and how dare I say such silly things. The stars did not follow anybody at all. I never argued. It just led to a belt over the ears, so I waited until he went away, then checked again. The stars still followed me, no matter what father said.

 

I felt bemused that stars did not follow my father, and later I found that animals didn’t follow him either. They didn’t even like him. He thought they were dirty. I didn’t mind, because they followed me.

 

My father died over twenty years ago without ever befriending stars or animals. It must have been a lonely death.

 

Animals still come to me, stars still walk and run and dance with me: and on calm quiet evenings when the sea is very still, a shaft of starlight shines across the water to me from a beautiful planet. Her name is Venus.

 

Forget the Father Rules and try for yourself. The stars do follow you. Venus still shines. These celestial lights might even help fill your cup, aided perhaps by the love of one very gorgeous Border Collie!

[blind_otter]

I'd been wondering where you were, B. I thought you were just taking a break.

 

Sometimes you guys get going and I hate to butt in....

[enki]

Hi Otter,

I promise not to wander off into the stratosphere. How is your O&G matter going?

Your reply on the thread from that poor kid who was raped was powerful and pertinent. I still think you'd be a better shrink than I would. If you do open up down the road from me, could we come to some arrangement?

And that latest avatar of yours is about the most gorgeous of all the ones you've yet displayed. The Byron quote is delightful! I'll try to find a suitable match tomorrow.

Must wander off to bed. It's approaching 2 a.m. here.

Do have a wonderful weekend.

Cheers: enki.

[Becoming]

What a beautiful post about stars and dogs following you, enki. And despite all the pain, your compassionate sadness toward your father not knowing your simple joy is touching. No matter what has happened, there is some obdurate feeling for our parents, often quite ambiguous, but something akin to love if not love that we cannot seem to help.

 

And I've missed y'all. Blind Otter, how's it going?

 

Yesterday I felt as empty as a character in an Edward Hopper painting. Just empty. I'm up to my ears in work, and I've been wondering if I'm going to get the energy to keep up the frantic pace of the next few weeks.

 

But then I've discovered the most amazing thing. I have been like an empty bowl waiting to be filled with energy/spirit. But this is not a good metaphor. I'm not a vessel to be filled as much as I simply am and instead of hoping God/Spirit/energy/love will fill me so that I can then be whole (not gonna happen!), I just need to adhere myself to that energy, spread my wings, and jump into/onto that divine Spirit and enjoy the ride.

 

Very tired and have to get up early. Just checking in to let you know you're all in my thoughts . . .

[Mz. Pixie]

Sorry you're feeling empty B.

 

I've just been kinda blah lately, no ups or downs- probably the Paxil. Feel a little numb but everything is good on my end so far.

 

Have my first talk therapy appt tomorrow!

[blind_otter]

I'm ultra jazzed, today. I am planning a month on the rails in europe, and the planning is arduous.

 

I go through motions and fits with my "stuff".

 

I wade through deeper waters, and glide over the easier parts. My inner emotional landscape is a vast and dizzying terrain. I get lost sometimes. But I always find my way.