How do you recover from child abuse?

[Mz. Pixie]

The trip sounds wonderful Bot!

[blind_otter]

Last night I fell asleep early and my BF walked in, and said my name. I woke up suddenly and said "Please don't hurt me!" and then I freaked out majorly. Crying and stuff. It was a flashback. I kept pushing him off me when he tried to hold me.

 

Sometimes it's scarey to be involved with me, I think. It takes a lot of effort from the guy.

 

In any event. I'm still working out my trip's kinks. I was thinking that rushing around will make me anxious and edgy, so I looked into renting an apartment in Italy for 2 weeks and just hanging out there. Eating.

[Mz. Pixie]

It sounds wonderful, B- I'm jealous.

 

H and I are planning a little anniversary trip ourselves for July. Not that long of course, but at a spa so I'm jazzed about that.

 

Sorry about the flashback. It may indeed be hard to be with you, but you know what? You're worth it, B- because you're a beautiful and amazing person!

 

Had talk therapy yesterday. She's Russian and her English is not very good, IMO. I just went over my entire story and she made alot of notes. Not sure how it's going to work out with the language barrier. I'm sure she's intelligent but hey, I'm a little southern girl with a southern accent! I'm going to give it one more go in two weeks to see if I like her any better. If not I may request a change.

[blind_otter]

 

Had talk therapy yesterday. She's Russian and her English is not very good, IMO. I just went over my entire story and she made alot of notes. Not sure how it's going to work out with the language barrier. I'm sure she's intelligent but hey, I'm a little southern girl with a southern accent! I'm going to give it one more go in two weeks to see if I like her any better. If not I may request a change.

 

I had a chinese therapist for a while once. Totally frustrating language barrier issues. I would say something like heartbreaking and make some terrible statement about something intense and she'd look at me, puzzled and say "I'm sorry, could you say it again with different words?"

 

[Mz. Pixie]

I had a chinese therapist for a while once. Totally frustrating language barrier issues. I would say something like heartbreaking and make some terrible statement about something intense and she'd look at me, puzzled and say "I'm sorry, could you say it again with different words?"

 

 

Holy crap, that's exactly the kind of stuff I'm referring to. I thought at one point yesterday she completely misunderstood me. I was talking about how my husband was showing me unconditional love- which I wasn't used to and she said, "So you think he knows nothing about unconditional love?" So I had to correct her. I talk kind of fast though anyway.

 

Like I said, one more shot, then I will tell her it's nothing personal but perhaps I could see someone else in the group?

[Becoming]

I'm back after two 60-hr.+ weeks at work. I'm exhausted.

 

I'm totally coveting Europe, BOt! ENJOY!!! Best time of my life travelling around British Isles and Europe one summer. I hope to go back some time.

 

MzP, I agree with the language barrier and your decision to try once more and then, if it doesn't work out, to ask for someone before you get too far in. My therapist is Irish and I sometimes have to explain some things, and the Irish speak English!

 

I have been thinking of you, enki, with the terrible storm in Australia. I hope all is well where you are.

 

H and I are getting on much better now that I don't expect him to be anything other than a human being with his own problems and issues. It's when I want him to be something more, an incarnate manifestation of the divine energy caring for me, that trouble begins. And when he wants me to be his mother, which he is finally beginning to see for the first time in 25 years.

 

It's so terrible to be so *^ insightful. Honestly, I read somewhere the other day that men are simply incapable of some of the insights women have. Something about that median between the two halves of our brains being thinner and being more communicative across the two parts--something most men aren't capable of.

 

And the meds I'm on seem to be working. I can sleep much of the time now, and what a blessing that is. Too much introspection without external structure to keep me connected to the real world was not good for me. But the reverse is also true--being so busy that I have no time for introspection--is also not good.

 

It's a tricky balance to achieve.

[enki]

Welcome back Becoming. It's great to hear that things have settled down, even though after a workload like that, you might well be too tired to notice!

 

Thank you for your concern about cyclone Larry, but it hit Innisfail which is nearly 1,500 miles north of here. That's about the same distance as from Pittsburgh to Montego Bay in Jamaica.

 

Although it annihalated the area's sugar and banana crops, nobody was killed, the health and emergency services were effective, and the recovery and rebuliding is being coordinated by a well-respected, popular and competent ex-General, Peter Cosgrove.

 

Outcome should be OK, but "Yes, we have no bananas."

 

I read somewhere the other day that men are simply incapable of some of the insights women have. Something about that median between the two halves of our brains being thinner and being more communicative across the two parts--something most men aren't capable of.

 

Are you referring to the corpus callosum, the bridge between the cerebral hemispheres? Or are you making observations about "balance" in general? This could become interesting.

[blind_otter]

Outcome should be OK, but "Yes, we have no bananas."

 

 

Hey guys, good to see you back! If only for a moment....

 

I've been battling with my mother again. This time I am using pre-meditating loving kindness and it seems to be working much better than any previous attempt. She brought me large portions of cooked animal flesh again yesterday. What a gem.

 

The thing I don't like about lamb, though, is that there is this weird aftertaste. What is that. Innoncence?

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi Becoming! I've missed ya! Glad to hear things are on a more even keel for you feeling wise and that things are good/better with H.

 

Lamb, Bot? I can't eat it myself. How did it go when she came over yesterday?? Was she in a good mood?? How did you feel after she left??

 

I'm struggling with my meds. Don't want to take them. I can't have an orgasm- and I'm so sexually frustrated right now it's ridiculous. I've tried everything. I just can't continue to stay on them if this is going to be the outcome..... H is upset with me about it because he feels that I'm so much more emotionally stable right now he hates for me to risk it.

 

I go back in ten or so days and she's going to have to make some med changes. That's all there is to it.

 

Therapy was to be tomorrow but I may cancel. I'm just not feeling up to it.

 

Hugs to all.

[blind_otter]

Lamb, Bot? I can't eat it myself. How did it go when she came over yesterday?? Was she in a good mood?? How did you feel after she left??

 

I'm struggling with my meds. Don't want to take them. I can't have an orgasm- and I'm so sexually frustrated right now it's ridiculous. I've tried everything. I just can't continue to stay on them if this is going to be the outcome.....

 

My Mom was ok...my Dad had another biopsy of his lungs/stab in the back with huge needle. She's worried about him since the mass in his lungs is not cancer, but keeps growing exponetially. She's more reactive than usual.

 

She even expressed concern about my "hysterical attack" -- this is what she calls them, I am inclined to call them this as well because they are random, short-lived, and I am completely out of my mind when they occur. My parents both adore my BF, and when my parents or mother stop by he always goes out ot have a conference with them in the driveway before they come up to the door. I have no idea what they talk about. Sometimes I feel like a child they are trying to parent together. It's weird.

 

Meds meds meds - in a way I'm glad I can't tolerate SSRIs because of this -- it seems like you have to be able to give up so much...or that it's expected that you be willing to sacrifice something in order to gain emotional stability? I'm taking St. John's wort, though, haha. so there ya go.

 

I dunno. There has to be a better alternative.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, it seems like I'm having to give up alot. My sexual satisfaction.

 

The thing is, in my first marriage, it wouldn't have mattered, but now it does.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Yeah, it seems like I'm having to give up alot. My sexual satisfaction.

 

The thing is, in my first marriage, it wouldn't have mattered, but now it does.

 

If you don't mind my asking, have you tried a different type of SSRI? They are not created equal!

[enki]

If you don't mind my asking, have you tried a different type of SSRI? They are not created equal!

 

Good point KHLF.

 

MzP., a reasonable psychiatrist would be only too happy to advise on a SSRI which avoided this side effect. Best of luck with it.

 

Hi Otter;) Hope your European trip goes well. About time those guys got a bit of culture themselves, instead of thinking they export it to the rest of us, eh?

[Mz. Pixie]

If you don't mind my asking, have you tried a different type of SSRI? They are not created equal!

 

I tried Lexapro before, which gave the same side effects. The thing is, I need an anti anxiety med along with a antidepressant. Because I'm wayyyyyyy high strung.

 

Bot- I forgot to mention how sorry I am to hear about your dad not doing well. Could it be possible that he has that mesothelioma?? I'm not sure i'm spelling that correctly but that's something do with asbestos exposure??

[blind_otter]

I tried Lexapro before, which gave the same side effects. The thing is, I need an anti anxiety med along with a antidepressant. Because I'm wayyyyyyy high strung.

 

Bot- I forgot to mention how sorry I am to hear about your dad not doing well. Could it be possible that he has that mesothelioma?? I'm not sure i'm spelling that correctly but that's something do with asbestos exposure??

 

I'm in the high strung club. I love my cigarettes because of this. But because of my Dad I'm trying to quit. Again. And haaaaaating life. Nicotine is such a nasty drug because it has so many positive effects, and you can control your own dose so easily. It's even an antidepressant. At least I still have coffee.

 

It could be asbestos exposure, he's been all over the world. It's weird that it is growing so fast (doubled size in 3 months??).....the other day my Mom was holding him up, helping him to bed, and she tapped his chest and said "You can live with one lung, if you can we'll make it happen!"

 

He had this crazy look on his face, half humorous, half desperate. It's weird.

 

I still try to talk politics and philosophy with him. The other day we talked about the theories in the communist manifesto, and how capitalism is certainly falling in line with marx's predictions. Of course my half of the conversation was me yelling at the top of my lungs so he could hear me, but at least he's still getting some intellectual stimulation.

 

I'm going to rent "Quest for Fire" for him this weekend. He may be old and dying but he still needs to use his mind.

[Mz. Pixie]

THis is off topic but my stepcreep had lung cancer and he did indeed live without one lung for probably around 18months until he got pneumonia or something along those lines.

 

There is class action law suit money for mesothelioma. I had a former co worker whose dad had it and her mom got some money after he died.

[Becoming]

Sorry to hear about your Dad, too. I knew this kid who had some kind of strange lung fungus from the dirt in the south, usually known to dogs . . . cannot for the life of me remember what it was called, but it grew that fast and almost killed him before they figured out what it was.

 

The sexual side effects are a pain of SSRI's. Hang in there through the trial and error. And keep going to therapy even when you don't feel like it. It does help.

 

I simply refuse to give in to a deep-seated belief in me that that I've been irreparably damaged and won't experience happiness--even though the evidence to the contrary is sometimes overwhelming.

 

Glad to hear enki's ok. Shame about the bananas, though. And yes, it may well be the corpus collustum (sp?) I am so tired of living in a male world and being continually frustrated by people in control who can't see what women see and won't take our testimony about reality seriously.

[blind_otter]

I realized the other day that I tend to want to punish my partner if he hurts me, even if by error or omission or forgetfulness. Like I feel like he really needs to know what he did and be punished for it. I know that my mother was always like this, even if I simply forgot to do something I would be punished the same as if I had willfully ignored her instructions or something. Like making mistakes was just as bad as intentionally hurting someone.

 

I've had to discipline myself several times with regard to this. But I am getting better every day.

[Becoming]

I realized the other day that I tend to want to punish my partner if he hurts me, even if by error or omission or forgetfulness. Like I feel like he really needs to know what he did and be punished for it. I know that my mother was always like this, even if I simply forgot to do something I would be punished the same as if I had willfully ignored her instructions or something. Like making mistakes was just as bad as intentionally hurting someone.

 

I've had to discipline myself several times with regard to this. But I am getting better every day.

 

 

Wow. This is what I'm doing, too, with H. right now.

 

So what's the trick to make it stop? Like who died and made me God? Why do I do this pedantic punishing when I KNOW this is not exactly conducive to forming the relationship I want?

 

Is it just what we grew up with, came to know, as you suggest?

 

And when are you going to Europe, BOt?

[blind_otter]

Wow. This is what I'm doing, too, with H. right now.

 

So what's the trick to make it stop? Like who died and made me God? Why do I do this pedantic punishing when I KNOW this is not exactly conducive to forming the relationship I want?

 

Is it just what we grew up with, came to know, as you suggest?

 

And when are you going to Europe, BOt?

 

May 22 to June 19.

 

I haven't made it stop. I ususally react and catch myself. Like cursing.

 

I have to take a time out. Then I make myself call and apologize for being a child. It's humiliating to admit this to myself, much less my partner, but I'm hoping it will work as aversion therapy.

 

The "parental" part of myself is stunted, so I have trouble with this. Disciplining myself is so difficult.

 

I feel like I get home from work and clock in on the "growth orientation" time clock. It's a second job, almost.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I do this too guys. Wierd isn't it?

[blind_otter]

My BF told me last night that it may have something to do with me trying to get him to feel what I'm feeling. Not just to sympathize, but experience what I do. It may be a boundary issue.

 

With my mother, I was an extension of her. She considered me part of herself, like an arm or an eye. She would become enraged/depressed/confused when presented with evidence that I was independent and had my own feelings.

 

I think I get like this. I feel no sympathy unless we are both experiencing the same thing. He may feel bad and try to appease me, but I don't recognize it until he is suffering on a similar level.

 

I need to figure out this boundary thing a little more. It's a lot more subtle than I initially thought.

[Becoming]

I've noticed this desire to be understood that we abuse survivors have in other posts here on LS as well. I don't think I consciously want the other to feel bad like I do; I think I just want them to work at empathizing. I wonder if it's because I didn't get that as a child. No one tried to look at things from my perspective; they simply expected me to understand them and get with their way of seeing the world without considering me as a separate subject with my own perceptions, emotions, desires, ways of doing things. (Kinda like being an extension of them, as Otter says).

 

But when I perceive that happening to me again (i.e. no one even trying to understand despite my darndest efforts), leftover anger probably kicks in. And a childish way of pouting/punishing that’s equivalent to "I'll show you! I just won't talk (or whatever) to you so you (who obviously have no empathy) can feel for yourself how bad I feel. Maybe then you'll care." . . . . ?????

 

Maybe it's just a desire for empathy so that we don't feel so all alone all the time. And feeling like someone cares how we feel.

 

Of course punishing is just a guarantee that we will indeed continue to feel estranged because generally folks aren’t particularly attracted to folks who are punishing them. And if they are, we probably don’t want them!

 

Thinking about this is extremely helpful. Thanks!

[blind_otter]

Yeah man, thanks for exploring it more, B. I come up with these ideas and sometimes I'm like, ok...where do I go with this one?

 

Have you seen the movie "Mirrormask"??

 

Rent it this weekend. I highly recommend it. It is SO totally about having an overbearing mother who considers you an extension of herself, but in this movie there is a happy ending.

 

Plus the main character is a girl who works in a circus. How cool is that?

[Becoming]

Between all of us we might get to understand why we do some of the crazy we do. I couldn't even see this until you mentioned it. Now I have one more thing to be vigilant about.

 

Mirrormask. Never heard of it. Thanks. I'll check it out. Seems like movies/stories help me trick myself into seeing things I'd otherwise keep at bay.