How do you recover from child abuse?

[blind_otter]

I had a dream about Lachaesis last night. She was just hanging out in my house, staying in the back bedroom, in her old robes. In fact, in my dream I was waking up laying in bed and saw her walk down the hallway to get a bagel??

 

Or maybe it was atropos. Her robes were old. She looked old.

[enki]

Dear Otter, Lachaesis IS old. She spun your life! You (and Clotho) are weaving it!

 

Remember what Becoming said about finding your powerful Goddess figure?

 

Athena was the Goddess of weaving. She is the companion of heroes/heroines. When Ulysses was making his way back from the Trojan war, it was Athena who helped him, and it was Penelope his wife who inspired him to keep going. Penelope was weaving a tapestry for him and would unpick her work at night so she would never finish it until he got home.

 

You are doing a wonderful and inspirational job for all of us at present!

 

Your integrity and courage are truly marvellous, and for one, may I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you are doing to weave strength, fortitude and hope for us all. I do just hope that you are gaining as much for yourself as you are giving to others at this time.

 

Otter for President!

[Becoming]

The feminine divine often comes in the shape of a wise crone (grandmother-like). She is Wisdom (Athena), a higher consciousness, coming to give you aid.

 

In an attempt to keep women in their place, the crone figure was cast as a "wicked witch" in the Middle Ages and women who got too uppity were seen as witches and killed. Can't have too many powerful women congregate or the world as we know it will change, you know.

 

You betcha it will!

 

Is your avvie you?

[blind_otter]

yeah, it's me.

 

man someone on another thread just said that another poster asked to be sexually victimized and I just about had a thrombo. I felt all this anger coming up inside me. A voice in my head was screaming "eff you, @sshole, how about we do it to YOU and see if you asked for it??!!"

 

grrrrrrr.

[tinktronik]

Im back, did'ent really want to touch this thread for a while ,just see what everyone had to say . I'm finnally admitting to some of my own strange reactionary behaviors . I'm not sure exactly what to do about them ,I'm starting to meditate and perhaps force myself into everyday situations that normally make me uncomfortable but are simply a part of most peoples everyday. I've also began to exersize some , indoors , the next step is to take it outside , lol . Maybe eventually I'll go meet people ,make some friends that actually live in the same state as me ? I don't know , just felt like posting about whats going on with me and the abuse tie ins ,it's all very fustrating . But there you go . Hope you all are doing well.

[Becoming]

Good to see you, tink! Moving is its own kind of he!! even when you want it.

 

My, we are a strange and motley crew. But there's healing happening, and it is such an incredible thing to see.

 

And isn't BOt gorgeous! She's exposing herself for all to see her beauty in all sorts of ways (might want to nix the whole topless thing, though.)

 

The post about your mother and meat--how funny! :lmao: Missed it earlier.

 

And what's to prevent you from going to med school if you wanted it now?

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, Bot is gorgeous- I remember seeing her picture one time before on her avie!

[blind_otter]

And isn't BOt gorgeous! She's exposing herself for all to see her beauty in all sorts of ways (might want to nix the whole topless thing, though.)

 

And what's to prevent you from going to med school if you wanted it now?

 

Aw shucks, thanks. I like getting compliments from women. They usually mean it. The other day a girl came up to me at the mall and said she wanted to push me over and steal my boots because they were so cute. And instead of thinking she was insane, I thought it was funny. But in retrospect, she may well have been insane.

 

My whole drug thing changed the way I think about things to the point where I wanted to study psychology instead.

[Becoming]

I was gonna say I could see you as a psychologist.

 

The boots comment is hilarious. :lmao:

 

It's been a rough day on LS with suicide and abuse. Hope you managed ok. I got so upset over the little girl being beaten and kicked in Target on tink's thread that my H is now at video store in search of funny movie so he can cuddle me a little.

 

And he just walked in with chocolate too. . . . :love:

 

Healing energy to you, Gorgeous. You have the eyes of an old soul.

[enki]

yeah, it's me.

 

man someone on another thread just said that another poster asked to be sexually victimized and I just about had a thrombo. I felt all this anger coming up inside me. A voice in my head was screaming "eff you, @sshole, how about we do it to YOU and see if you asked for it??!!"

 

grrrrrrr.

 

Beautiful photo Otter!

 

That person you quoted shows a mental state typical of criminals.

 

They always tend to blame the victim, and it isn't confined to sexual offences. If you like the idea of doing Psychology, you may find this amusing, even though it's so bizarre. I had one villain come to me, charged with stealing car parts. His defence was that the owner just had them in a yard with a chain-mesh fence and a padlocked gate. My "hero" said, "The guy was just asking to be robbed."

[jasper2006]

Enki, thanks for your response.

 

First of all - we are both male, so in a gay relationship.

 

. What was the nature, (sexual or physical) frequency and intensity of your boyfriend's alleged abuse?

(Please note that all abuse has an emotional component.)

>I am not sure. He told me vaguely but hated talking about it and said he didn't want to bring it up again. I believe it was his Uncle and it sounds like it was in his pre-teens. It was both him and his step sister.

 

2. Who abused him, and during what years of his life?

 

 

3. What caused the abuse to stop?

>Sorry I don't know.

 

4. What treatment has he sought for any effects of the abuse?

>He said he has had counselling but didn't go into any detail.

 

5. What contact does he still have with his abuser(s?)

>None

 

6. Precisely what "sexual acts ... he finds uncomfortable as these remind him of his abuse?"

>He doesn't like giving oral sex because thats what his abuser made him do to him. He has no problems receiving it though.

 

7. What is your present age, and that of your boyfriend?

I am 31, he is 25

 

 

Since I first posted, we had our chat and nothing sexual has happened - he has made no effort and I have not even mentioned it. However, my feelings of rejection are now pretty obvious and he is now saying that my insecurities are pushing him away.

 

Yes, 2 months was too soon to move in together - we both know that now but we were pretty wrapped up in each other at the time.

 

Part of me thinks I should just move on - but I can't until I have real closure.

[enki]

Hi Jasper,

 

I am not sure. He told me vaguely but hated talking about it and said he didn't want to bring it up again. I believe it was his Uncle ...

and ...

What caused the abuse to stop?

>Sorry I don't know.

 

Your boyfriend's vague answers indicate that he is just not very serious about making the relationship work. In addition, his projections of blame on to you for the difficulties in the relationship

he is now saying that my insecurities are pushing him away.

indicate that the relationship never will work.

 

I am not sure what you mean by

Part of me thinks I should just move on - but I can't until I have real closure.

but really, aren't you just saying you should move on anyway?

 

Probably the best book to give you a perspective of where your problems lie at present would be

"Puer Aeternus" by Marie-Louise von Franz Sigo Press ISBN 0-938434-01-2

[blind_otter]

Hey er'body! I had a difficult but rewarding weekend with the help of your positive vibrations.

 

I watched Jumanji and The secret garden, I cried at the end when her cousin and father reunited and she thought she wasn't wanted and her uncle told her that she was the one who, with her restless, endless energy and drive to move forward, awoke the energy in the family.

 

I also saw The Little Princess (lovely) and a recent release that Enki might be interested in "Grizzly Man"....this guy was a self-styled environmental activist who was deeply delusional. He had years of footage of himself spending summers in the alskan wild "protecting" bears. Who eventually ate him. It's a truely strange journey into the intimate psychological workings of a very lost soul. Much of the footage is almost like self-directed therapy sessions. I highly recommend it -- unsettling but fascinating for anyone interested in mental health issues.

 

I also discovered something I'll call swinging therapy. I've been going at least once a week to local parks and swinging on the swingsets for 20-30 minutes at a time. It helps me clear my head and get calm. I think about things that make me unsettled or anxious and I usually leave the park soothed and energized. Or maybe it's just the swinging I like.

[Mz. Pixie]

Swinging therapy sounds good!!!

 

I had a uneventful weekend. One thing is for sure, nothing is happening below the belt- already with only a couple of days of SSri! Urrrrrrrr, that pisses me off!

 

I saw 8 Below this weekend. Good wholesome Disney movie. It was really good I give it two thumbs up!

[blind_otter]

I heard Wellbutrin is good for people who get sexual side effects with SSRIs, isn't it an MAO Inhibitor?

 

So does that mean that you try to have sex and you just can't quite get "there" -- or there's no impulse to have sex at all?

[Becoming]

Like the swinging therapy idea! Makes sense. It's like rocking, which is soothing. That and when there are lovely kids around (not the bad bullies), there's wonderful energy there that brings joy. But sometimes also the sadness of mourning a lost childhood. But hey, you're on the playground and swinging now!

 

I recently picked up a fabulous old mission rocker for a steal at an auction and I noticed that rocking in it makes me feel better. I know children are soothed by the rocking, so there must be something to the rocking and swinging.

 

I'd heard about the bear man. Pretty whacked out. (And I should know! )

Glad you liked the Secret Garden. The Little Princess is good too--both are beautiful movies, aren't they? Just the look of the films is beautiful. Jumanji makes me nervous, but I'm still processing it all. I have to keep in mind that they're children's movies, so all turns out happy in the end--all restored, healing, etc. But that's just not the way it is IRL, is it? I think a part of me wants the movie ending of my life and is wondering where it is! That unrealisitic child again, I guess.

 

Wellbutrin does help the sexual side effects but it made me more anxious. It's not an MAOI though.

 

Now that I'm thinking more clearly, I want to leave my H again. What I really want is consistent care. I get the 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off treatment that just makes me nuts. The inconsistency feels all too familiar, and when I say something about the distance that's so distressing, I get justification and a concern to look good and be considered righteous--his primary concern over my distress. And I'm really about at the end even though he's a good guy and I love him. My mental health is more important than the dramatic cycle. I just want peace, a place to till my secret garden. And some semblance of order that the chaos that swirls around his lack of planning and cleaning prohibits.

 

We've talked about this out the yinyang. Change is promised. It's not happening on a consistent basis, and I just want PEACE. I'm thinking if I could just clear my head of the marital issues I could focus on what're my issues and learn how to be happy without unrealistic expectations. My girls are old enough to adjust, and I'm not planning on anything too drastic--a separation that will sort out mine, yours, and ours. Any thoughts?

[blind_otter]

It may do good for you to be on your own for a while to take a breath and see what's up. Sometimes I think that it's almost a matter of accepting what it is you cannot change, as much as having the strength to change the things you can. And it's easy to get stuck in the mode where you approach everything with the same gusto as you approach your own process of change and growth.

 

Like for me there is a big thing about having an illusion (operative word) of control in my life, to the point sometimes where it extends toward the realm of the impossible, controlling the personal growth process of those around me.

[a4a]

We've talked about this out the yinyang. Change is promised. It's not happening on a consistent basis, and I just want PEACE. I'm thinking if I could just clear my head of the marital issues I could focus on what're my issues and learn how to be happy without unrealistic expectations. My girls are old enough to adjust, and I'm not planning on anything too drastic--a separation that will sort out mine, yours, and ours. Any thoughts?

 

Not all expectations are unrealistic. Maybe you just need some time to get comfy in your own skin?

[a4a]

Curious to know if the posters on this thread informed your spouses about past abuse?

[Mz. Pixie]

I heard Wellbutrin is good for people who get sexual side effects with SSRIs, isn't it an MAO Inhibitor?

 

So does that mean that you try to have sex and you just can't quite get "there" -- or there's no impulse to have sex at all?

 

Well, I wanted to and it felt good. I just couldn't "get there"

[Mz. Pixie]

Curious to know if the posters on this thread informed your spouses about past abuse?

 

Yes, in both cases. My first H was my best friend in high school so he had all the facts.

 

With my second H- I told him the day he told me he loved me. I said, 'Wait a minute- you don't know what you're up against here'. He didn't miss a beat on saying it didn't matter.

 

The thing is A- they don't understand how deeply it affects you and colors what you think about things and how you react. Sigh........

 

Becoming- it may do you some good to be on your own- and for your H to see exactly what he'd be missing. Is he that unwilling to change??

[enki]

Hey er'body! I had a difficult but rewarding weekend with the help of your positive vibrations.

 

"Grizzly Man"....this guy was a self-styled environmental activist who was deeply delusional. He had years of footage of himself spending summers in the alskan wild "protecting" bears. Who eventually ate him. It's a truely strange journey into the intimate psychological workings of a very lost soul. Much of the footage is almost like self-directed therapy sessions. I highly recommend it -- unsettling but fascinating for anyone interested in mental health issues.

 

I also discovered something I'll call swinging therapy.

 

Hi Otter. Great to hear your weekend went well, although "swinging therapy?!"

Never knew what swingers' parties were until now. Thanks for enlightening me.

 

"Grizzly Man" sounds very interesting. Thank you for mentioning it. We had a similar situation a few years ago where a Uni lecturer in psych was going on and on about a river that he thought was polluted, desperately trying to have his class see it as a purely environmental issue. One of his students pointed out that it was his (the lecturer's) mind which was polluted.

(Lecturer didn't like that revelation very much.)

[Becoming]

My H knew but cannot understand. (He was an adored child. Talk about your mismatch!).

 

He's always "changing." It lasts 2-3 weeks, then it feels like I'm abandoned. He quits connecting, withdraws, doesn't talk. I can't take the inconsistency. I think it's basically like picking open an old wound so I can't heal. I never know when someone's gonna be there or not. I think I'd rather be alone just so I know what to expect.

[a4a]

I think I'd rather be alone just so I know what to expect.

 

Funny Becoming because that is what I did for years. Thus me not getting into a "forever" relationship until I was really sure that I could handle it, stick to it, and want it. What a strange trip it has been for me to finally get here LOL! It is still not easy, but I am thankful I took that time to just focus on who I am and to learn just about me.

 

Is there some way to teach a spouse about abuse (short of abusing them)

You would think that they have such groups? MC are of no help? Or are some spouses thinking it is just a big excuse for your unwanted behavior?

 

It is kinda funny to have my H answer my questions about the death of his parents at a young age, but he never asked me a single question about mine or my childhood. Is this selfishness on their part, denial, or they just don't want to be bothered seeing? It does not bother me but I find it interesting.....wondering if it is typical?

 

a4a- shhhh the monkey is trying to 'cipher

(where did the font size button go?)

[Mz. Pixie]

Is there some way to teach a spouse about abuse (short of abusing them)

You would think that they have such groups? MC are of no help? Or are some spouses thinking it is just a big excuse for your unwanted behavior?

 

 

Well, my H wants to go to therapy with me. Even though I've told him, he cannot honestly believe how I cannot just "look on the bright side" and such and feel better.

 

He's a only child in some respects- his dad had a son when his mom married him- but he didn't have custody and they never saw him much as he lived four states away. His parents completely devoted themselves to him- they were well off- he's never had to want for a thing. Not spoiled, because he has had to work to support himself- but he just has no clue about abuse, or going without or struggle. He just has a hard time wrapping his head around how I've struggled.......

 

One time he did say he thought I used it as a crutch to be miserable at times but he later apologized for it- because seriously, no one I know would say that. There are people I've known for years who have no clue about the abuse. I'm selective in who I tell.

 

So- A- what is your interest in this topic? Do you have something you'd like to share or are you just interested in the discussion?