How do you recover from child abuse?

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I'm not sure about the talk therapy either.

 

I have insurance so that's not the issue. I get frustrated with multiple appointments and run around. I was hoping the gyno I went to yesterday would give me some meds but she only prescribed the hormone patch and I was in tears in her office,crying. I felt like she wasn't listening to me. My last therapist had promised to call in meds twice and didn't so I'm firing him. My husband's mom's best friend is a therapist and he got me in with her in 15 minutes because I was having a really really bad day.

 

I pray when I feel like this but sometimes I feel like i need to do it every five minutes to get through an hour.

 

She's given me some referrals because she doesn't prescribe. I'm going to try to get in to see a new person on her recommendation because she's not on my insurance. Yesterday I was so bad my husband was like I do not care how much it costs, we have to get you better.

 

I do very well when everything is routine and I know what's happening. When something happens out of the ordinary though I freak.

[blind_otter]

Yeah, feeling out of control can trigger panic reactions in abuse survivors.

 

Don't medicate PTSD. You simply can't do it. I've tried. Because you keep attending to the symptoms....

 

But my Dad has had very severe PTSD for like 30 years, now. He's been medicated, been to see so many doctors at the VA and in private practice. Nothing has helped, absolutely nothing. I am afraid I will be like that. I feel like i just have to deal with it.

[Becoming]

Yeah, feeling out of control can trigger panic reactions in abuse survivors.

 

Don't medicate PTSD. You simply can't do it. I've tried. Because you keep attending to the symptoms....

 

But my Dad has had very severe PTSD for like 30 years, now. He's been medicated, been to see so many doctors at the VA and in private practice. Nothing has helped, absolutely nothing. I am afraid I will be like that. I feel like i just have to deal with it.

 

 

I think we just have to go through it. I have tried avoiding reliving any of the abuse in therapy. I don't want to think about it period because it takes over my life and I don't function well.

 

But I don't function well in stress either. I panic.

 

And the reason why is because of all these subterranean messages I've told myself over the years about the way reality is and how to deal with it that are lies based on what I had to do to survive the abuse.

 

So in order to cure the panic during stress so I can live the life I want, at 45 I'm finding out I have to go back there and revisit what happened and what I vowed as a result. I'm having some real breakthroughs, but gosh it's hard.

 

And prayer is something I can't live without. That still small voice underneath all the turmoil has proved reliable, though there are days when I yell, literally yell at God. I'm mostly over that phase, though.

 

I do think it's like being disabled to a certain degree. But everyone's disabled in various ways.

 

MzP I've done the drugs thing, and it helped to a certain degree, but I agree with Otter: they can mask what's really going on with you. Talk therapy with a GOOD therapist has been more helpful than anything else. I am making headway I've never been able to make before. Maybe you just have to get in the right place to really deal with all this stuff instead of running away from the fear it holds over you.

[Becoming]

Maybe you just have to get in the right place to really deal with all this stuff instead of running away from the fear it holds over you.

 

Oops! I meant you in a general sense, not singling you out MzP! Sorry.

 

It's like we try to fill that empty space where we could go to heal with just about anything we can to avoid going there--drugs, alcohol, work, activities, relationships, food, etc.

 

It's like Jumanji, though. We have to turn and face the fear we're running from, certain it's going to kill us, only to find the whole world set right again when we do.

[Craig]

It's like we try to fill that empty space where we could go to heal with just about anything we can to avoid going there--drugs, alcohol, work, activities, relationships, food, etc.

 

It's like Jumanji, though. We have to turn and face the fear we're running from, certain it's going to kill us, only to find the whole world set right again when we do.

Heh, that's me! Mr. Hyper Focus, lol. It's an avoidance technique but it calms me down.

 

I have been thinking about what Churchill said, "The only way to get out of Hell is through it". Just thinking about it but not really sure (or not wanting to admit to myself) what it means for me.

[Becoming]

The thing is, C, that you don't know you're in hell already. You think it means having to go in there and not wanting to when you're already in the door that's locked behind you.

 

Like look at the movie Jumanji. The Robin Wms character is living in hell running from his fears and all the havoc they create until he just can't anymore.

 

So here we all are. I think the depression is just being tired from running from the fear of facing the initiating trauma.

 

I find, too, that I've become a master of illusion. I can trick myself with all sorts of smoke and mirrors.

[Mz. Pixie]

I don't mind going through it and talking it out. I've done the writing letters things to my abusers and all of that. The thing is, it didn't help. I function high until I get under stress and then I have a flare up and I become a emotional cripple.

 

I can help everyone else but myself.

 

I think I have alot of repressed anger that the hormonal thing is making flare up as well.

[blind_otter]

Oooh I'm angry. It doesn't come out unless my attention is elsewhere, if I'm stressed out or upset about something else, it's like almost all of my emotions will warp and are expressed as this muted rage, which I feel guilty about because I am afraid of anger, as I have become intimate with the destructive force of intense anger.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, I know what you mean.

 

Sometimes I will get angry and I will later be like, where did that come from?

[Becoming]

Yup. I'm afraid of my anger, too. Until I figured out where it was coming from and that it is there to help me stay safe. My angry part is the street urchin/juvenile delinquent character. This personfication helps me get in touch with all the feelings so I can learn what they're trying to tell me because otherwise, I'm pretty much in the dark. My anger is about needing boundaries to keep me safe. It tells me when I feel violated in some way. Anger is what comes out when I'm scared underneath.

 

I did all the letter writing, too, MzP. It helped to a degree but not finally. My mother has apologized, which helped. My father never will. Both my parents now are dying. They're not big scary people but scared frail human beings who screw up and do stupid things in order to feel secure and in control. In a way, this makes my healing harder because it's just all sad.

 

Will I ever be whole again? No. But I have a deep knowledge as a result of having to spend so much time agonizing over what in the world was going on for most of my life. I, too, can spot a kid with trouble at home in a snap and never be wrong. I hope I've helped some as a way of redeeming what's been lost.

 

I mourn the loss of a childhood and all the lost time with screwed up thinking as a result that colored who and what I let into my life that wasn't good. I am incredibly tolerant, probably too tolerant.

 

It's like I'm a kid just trying to learn the basics about how to live life, deal with people, handle stress.

[orangeterran]

I have gone through bouts of mild depression and anger within the past month or so. I think to some degree it's been therapeutic. I think that I have repressed most of my emotions for the great majority of my life. Expressing them was never allowed in the household when I grew up. There were many days when I would curse my emotions for letting me feel the way I did and I would blame myself for them.

 

My parents could be angry, but I never had the right to be angry. It was very frustrating. In order for me to get through this I had to confront the things that were bothering me from my past. It was and continues to be an uneasy task. However, I stand resolute in knowing that it is for a greater good and that I deserve it.

 

I mourn the loss of a childhood and all the lost time with screwed up thinking as a result that colored who and what I let into my life that wasn't good.

 

Grieving is perfectly healthy and something I avoided for a long time. When I finally realized what was going on in my head and how much remorse I had over the childhood I could never have I cried. I cried more than I ever had in my entire life. I did so for some length and felt incredibly better afterward. As messed up as things have been I know they don't have to stay that way. Things continually change in life and now I know I have the ability to steer that change in a direction I like.

 

I am incredibly tolerant, probably too tolerant.

 

I feel like I am also much too tolerant in regards to events and people that I have put up with. I think a large part of it has to do with the things I had to endure as a child and thus did not understand or realize what a healthy boundary even was. I was a passive person and just let things happen to me. My goodness, it just struck me heavily as I typed that last sentence. I think it's still applicable to me, however it's just not nearly as severe.

 

It's like I'm a kid just trying to learn the basics about how to live life, deal with people, handle stress.

 

I relate to this so perfectly well. In trying to figure out who I am and establish an identity I like I must, in turn, figure out how this identity will respond to all these variables in life. I find that I am often hesitant because so much of it is uncharted territory.

 

I do not recall who they were, but I believe it was a Vietamese scholar who said, "One will prefer familiar pain rather than risk unknown pain." It's not verbatim, but it was to that effect. I find myself in that situation now and am only very slowly expanding my horizon to encompass new things. The biggest of which right now is trying to become a social being.

 

There are two books I have read recently have helped me grasp parts of things I did not have as a child that I want to incorporate into myself.

 

Peace is the Way

 

The Path to Love

 

Both are by the author Deepak Chopra. Peace is the Way gave rise to understanding the turmoil I had inside me and allowed me to let go of some of resentment and pain I carried with me. The Path to Love was instrumental in allowing me to catch a glimpse of what love can truly mean if one is willing. After finishing the last book I determined that I was still very far away from where I want to be, but I know I can get there. It's going to take a lot of time and effort, but it will be so worth it.

 

I think that both peace and love are required to recover from past grievances of any kind. If anyone would like to discuss either subject, I'd be more than willing and happy to do so. I think each are perceived differently by individuals and I would love to hear what anyone would have to say about them.

[Becoming]

Thanks, OT. I applaud you for your dedication to persevere. I think my depression has been therapeutic, too. I grew up in a similar home with regard to feelings and learned how to hate my feelings.

 

I'd like to hear what you have to say about peace and love.

[Mz. Pixie]

Becoming,

 

Yes, at the end my mother was frail and dying. I even bought her groceries because they were too broke to buy food. When she died, I paid for her funeral- even though she was abusive to me and never apologized. My stepfather never apologized either and he died recently. I hadn't had contact with him since my mother's death. When my mom was dying, I had awful regret, because I longed for the relationship that could have been, if she would have just loved me enough.

 

I just spent the weekend getting a two hour pep talk from my husband. He seems to think that me getting over this will be like him building his self esteem up over college. WTF? You can compare my 20 years of abuse to building self esteem after been teased in high school?? I know he didn't mean it like that, because he is concerned about me. I did tell him that he needed to face the fact that I may never be healed, and that if that was a problem for him maybe he needed to rethink marrying me. I was totally up front with him concerning all of this before we married.

 

It's not so much the memory of what happened to me that bothers me. It's the way that I react to everything BECAUSE of what happened to me. The anxiety- the not being able to shut off the voice in my head that says no one has ever loved me or ever will love me, that I'm not worthy. The way I hold on to the tiniest mistake and agonize over it for too long. The way I take anything as a sign of abandonment. The way I push people away to keep them from hurting me. The way I always think something bad is going to happen to me.

 

This is why so many abuse sufferers are addicted to drugs or alcohol. To shut that off. To not feel the pain. If you've ever watched Intervention on A&E you would see that almost every female drug addict or whatever addict on there had some type of sexual abuse in their past. Trying to cover up the pain. I think I've covered up the pain by pushing it down. Focusing on my kids.....getting out of my unhappy marriage. I always thought if I could just be in a happy supportive marriage where my needs were being met then I would be better. Now that has happened and I'm not better.

 

I've never been addicted to anything. I have never done drugs. I don't drink much. But lately, the thought of doing anything to escape from the way I feel is appealing to me. I'm afraid of those thoughts.

[blind_otter]

My mom apologized to me in a roundabout way. Like, not really admitting what she did, but saying that "how she treated me" (nice, ambiguous, safe way to put it) made it difficult for me as an adult. I liked that she put it in present day context.

 

I expected it to be like the movies, ya know. Hah. Like, it would be this watershed moment where suddenly the burdens of the past were lifted off my shoulders by her admonishion....but that didn't happen. I think it's me who is holding on the the past, still. Like I'm afraid if I let it go I'll be less vigilant.

 

It's the way that I react to everything BECAUSE of what happened to me. The anxiety- the not being able to shut off the voice in my head that says no one has ever loved me or ever will love me, that I'm not worthy. The way I hold on to the tiniest mistake and agonize over it for too long. The way I take anything as a sign of abandonment. The way I push people away to keep them from hurting me. The way I always think something bad is going to happen to me.

 

This is why so many abuse sufferers are addicted to drugs or alcohol. To shut that off. To not feel the pain.

Yes.

 

I hate being in my own skin because I feel like I have to try SO much, put SO much effort into just trying to achieve some kind of balance point for like 3 seconds. Like trying to balance on a tightrope that has too much slack. My rope wobbles a lot. Or maybe I notice the wobbles more.

[Mz. Pixie]

I know what you mean. My relationship with my husband?? Well he insists on talking out everything and he can sniff the tiniest bit of unhappiness out in me like a bloodhound. Then, he presses me to talk about it. Because he thinks it's about "us" when it's usually not.

 

Sometimes I feel like the high level of emotional intimacy that he requires may not be something I can do. At least not all the time.

[Craig]

The thing is, C, that you don't know you're in hell already. You think it means having to go in there and not wanting to when you're already in the door that's locked behind you.

Thank you, I read this a few days ago, have been thinking about it ever since and continue to think about it. I wanted you to know that I appreciate your input that causes me to think about things I've never thought about.

 

I deeply appreciate everyones posting on this thread. I'm not posting much but am reading, re-reading and doing a lot of thinking. Thanks everyone.

[Becoming]

Thank you, I read this a few days ago, have been thinking about it ever since and continue to think about it. I wanted you to know that I appreciate your input that causes me to think about things I've never thought about.

 

I deeply appreciate everyones posting on this thread. I'm not posting much but am reading, re-reading and doing a lot of thinking. Thanks everyone.

 

 

I, too, want to reiterate and loudly second what Craig says here. This thread has been extremely helpful and healing--just to know I'm not alone in this struggle is immensely helpful.

 

MzPizie, I swear we were separated at birth. I couldn't have said it better than what you did:

It's not so much the memory of what happened to me that bothers me. It's the way that I react to everything BECAUSE of what happened to me. The anxiety- the not being able to shut off the voice in my head that says no one has ever loved me or ever will love me, that I'm not worthy. The way I hold on to the tiniest mistake and agonize over it for too long. The way I take anything as a sign of abandonment. The way I push people away to keep them from hurting me. The way I always think something bad is going to happen to me.

 

Could it be that the depression you're experiencing now is partly because you did find what you thought you needed to be whole only to find out that's not going to do it either? I expected my husband to make up for all the love I didn't get from my childhood, and he can't. He just can't. And when I figured that out finally, I plummeted into a very dark place. I could no longer blame him for not loving enough or in the right way or something--anything to keep from feeling my real feelings underneath.

 

I feel like I hold my soul out the world like a beggar with a tin cup hoping someone will fill it. They'll fill it alrigh--with a bunch of garbage all too often. I'm overwhelmed with the realization that I am the one who had to fill my cup up. And I really still don't know how to do that. I never learned how. I can take care of everyone else but me because that's what I learned. But me?

 

I feel like everyone else knows something I just don't get because life is not easy for me. Otter's metaphor is fabulous here:

I have to try SO much, put SO much effort into just trying to achieve some kind of balance point for like 3 seconds. Like trying to balance on a tightrope that has too much slack. My rope wobbles a lot. Or maybe I notice the wobbles more.

 

This is normal for us, but is it true of the general population as well? I dunno. I suspect not--at least not to the same degree.

 

And MzP, I'm sorry about your husband's pep talk. We know he means well, but he just doesn't get it. Perhaps they never can. I have spared my husband many of the details of my abuse. Or maybe I just quit trying to share because his nonreaction just retraumatized me. But I'd had a particularly bad therapy session last week where I talked about one particularly terrifying incident. I usually share what I'm doing in therapy, but I couldn't that day. The next day I was ready to talk, so we drove to our local old cemetary that is beautiful, peaceful place, originally designed as a public park. (No comment on the symbolism here.) I shared the abuse incident with him, whereupon his cell phone rang, and he answered it. It was his father making final arrangements to come for a visit this weekend that no one had told me a thing about. I was so upset on so many levels, I literally ran away and hid like a small child behind a big monument until I saw our car leave the cemetary, and then I walked home. I must say all that all that walking helped alleviate the adrenaline of anger coursing through my body. We haven't talked since.

 

Now I'm looking at my marriage and asking how good it really has been for me, and frankly, it hasn't most of the time. It's been ok. It's been safe, and that was a gift. But my marriage hasn't allowed the abused me with all that baggage to unpack. Maybe I just kept all the baggage hidden because it's pretty obvious my husband doesn't know what to do with it. Like I do? I question whether I'll ever be able to have the intimacy I so long for and how much of this is because of me and my reactions and how much is my husband's issues.

 

As Otter says, some days it sucks to be in our skin. Thanks for listening to this long one.

[a4a]

I, too, want to reiterate and loudly second what Craig says here. This thread has been extremely helpful and healing--just to know I'm not alone in this struggle is immensely helpful.

 

.

 

Well Said! This has been very enlightening indeed. I certainly hope this thread continues.

 

a4a

[Mz. Pixie]

I, too, want to reiterate and loudly second what Craig says here. This thread has been extremely helpful and healing--just to know I'm not alone in this struggle is immensely helpful.

 

MzPizie, I swear we were separated at birth.

 

Could it be that the depression you're experiencing now is partly because you did find what you thought you needed to be whole only to find out that's not going to do it either? I expected my husband to make up for all the love I didn't get from my childhood, and he can't. He just can't. And when I figured that out finally, I plummeted into a very dark place. I could no longer blame him for not loving enough or in the right way or something--anything to keep from feeling my real feelings underneath.

 

 

 

YUP! That's part of it. He just can't fix it and I just feel like if he really loved me he could. I know that's irrational but I can't help feeling it. I saw on Dr. Phil one day he said, "It takes 1000 attaboys to make up for one you stupid ass" when talking about kids. That's so true. I feel like I'm constantly searching for something to fill up this hole inside of me- my job, my kids, my affair, my leaving the marriage, me find a new amazing love, and now the new marriage.

 

I can see why you'd be hurt by your husbands reaction. That hurt me to read that. My husband is very supportive and will listen, listen, listen but he still doesn't "get it". His parents are wonderful and he's an only child- they have doted on him all his life, seriously. Still do. I think because he's never had anything really bad happen to him- other than his exwife leaving him for another man- he just cannot relate to what I've been through. He hurts for me, I can tell. He just wants me to be happy.

 

He was telling me in his pep talk that I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful loving husband who would do anything for me, two healthy children, a beautiful home, new inlaws who would do anything for me, a chance to build a new bigger house in three years and financial freedom when I get older is a reality. I AM thankful for all of those things- it's just that this knot in my stomach and the pain in my head/heart won't go away.

 

I've disclosed very little of the abuse to him. I thought he wasn't interested because he never asked me details. I told him in the beginning that there was verbal, emotional, physical, sexual abuse in my home and that my mother had a personality disorder. He told me Sat night that he's never asked details because he only wanted them when I was ready to disclose them. I do admit that things have come out bit by bit. One night while watching Intervention I started crying and disclosed some stuff to him and he was appropriately sweet and loving. We haven't been married long so it's not like there has been a full fledged discussion on that yet.

 

I don't want people to think I'm ruining my entire life because of what happened to me in the past. People think just move on, think of something positive but how can you forget that your mother told you things like you should have had sex with your stepfather because he put you through private school? I've never used my abuse as a excuse for bad behavior in the past until I had the affair- and I can see how some of my issues led to that. I don't want to be one of those people who people shake their heads at and say, "Tsk Tsk poor thing you know SHE WAS ABUSED" in hushed tones.

 

Hubby says I'm just trying to tie a knot and hang on when I really need to work through what the issues are. The other day I was just crying and saying "I keep trying to get help but no one will help me" and he got me the therapist appt. I got some referrals from her that are on my insurance. Now he tells me this weekend, make the appt, you have the number. I'm sitting her with 20-30 things on my list to do for me, and I can't make them a priority. I just can't seem to pick up the phone and make the appt. I feel so hopeless about recovery at this point.

[Becoming]

Ok. I know where you are. I was there a few months ago. Just pick up the phone and make the appt. That's all you have to do today. And you can take that one step. That's it. Just see it as making another appt. to cross off your to-do list.

 

Part of what's going on, too, I think, if I may be so bold as to venture a guess, is that a part of you senses that you're finally in a safe place to begin to heal. You may very well need some meds to survive facing all you've been through. It makes me cry to think of what your mother did to you with stepfather. How utterly appalling!

 

My husband, too, was an only child for 10 years until they adopted. He was the only biological child in a spate of miscarriages for my mother-in-law. Needless to say, he was adored, smothered with love, too smothered. His issues are the exact opposite of mine.

 

When you meet with the therapist, you can ask about sharing the abuse with H, asking if the therapist can meet with him once to let him know what you're going to be doing and how he can help. I had a physical therapist meet with my husband when I hurt my shoulder and show him how to massage the area, and that was really helpful. H needed to know that he could help in my healing and how, and the phsycial therapist was the one who asked him to come for 15 mins. to a session. I'm just wondering if that wouldn't be helpful to you.

 

I know what you're talking about :

I don't want to be one of those people who people shake their heads at and say, "Tsk Tsk poor thing you know SHE WAS ABUSED" in hushed tones.

That's exactly it! That's why I don't share this with just anyone. And when I do, it's just matter-of-fact because I think it might be of help to a particular situation. I've discovered that sharing this and having it be met in a certain way actually hurts instead of heals. So if you're going to share this now with H, he needs to know that certain responses are not helpful, in fact are harmful. In my case, a lecture on why I should buck up and just feel grateful would be retraumatizing even though I know it's not meant as such. It's just that that particular thing was part of the abuse in my case. So my husband knows he better not do that to me unless he wants to tap into that reservoir of rage that's still in the process of siphoning off.

 

Your H probably needs a similar set of instructions that you may not be able to give him until he gets it wrong--then you know! So maybe a general introduction as to what he's in for from a therapist and you would be helpful.

 

Now, a word of encouragement for your overwhelming task: the rage is siphoning off thanks to therapy. I am getting better, stronger, wiser. I'm becoming (hence the name) more in control of my emotions and responses to life instead of just reacting to things based on the old lies and assumptions. There really is hope, and the hard work of therapy is so worth it.

 

It's ok--you can have good things. No one's gonna hit you or hurt you when you do.

 

So make that call. I'll celebrate with you when you do.

[Becoming]

My mom apologized to me in a roundabout way. Like, not really admitting what she did, but saying that "how she treated me" (nice, ambiguous, safe way to put it) made it difficult for me as an adult. I liked that she put it in present day context.

 

I expected it to be like the movies, ya know. Hah. Like, it would be this watershed moment where suddenly the burdens of the past were lifted off my shoulders by her admonishion....but that didn't happen. I think it's me who is holding on the the past, still. Like I'm afraid if I let it go I'll be less vigilant.

 

Yeah, this was pretty much my experience as well. I expected the clouds to open, angels to sing or something, I guess. It was all pretty anti-climactic when my mom apologized in the same ambiguous way. A part of me doesn't want her to go back and apologize for every agonizing detail because she has cancer. Looking at what she's done and really knowing the damage she caused would probably kill her. A nasty part of me does want her to face every minute detail and know the pain she caused me and my sisters. But she will have to do this when she dies, and it's really not my place to be her judge and executioner, though I have been. I'm glad she will have to face it at the last and that she will be judged with Supreme Love.

 

That's about as much forgiveness as I can muster. I, too, am afraid to let it go for fear I'll just get hit again the minute I let my guard down (sound familiar?).

 

So how long do we hold onto it all before we let it go? As long as we need to to work through it all?

[Mz. Pixie]

Ok. I know where you are. I was there a few months ago. Just pick up the phone and make the appt. That's all you have to do today. And you can take that one step. That's it. Just see it as making another appt. to cross off your to-do list.

 

Part of what's going on, too, I think, if I may be so bold as to venture a guess, is that a part of you senses that you're finally in a safe place to begin to heal. You may very well need some meds to survive facing all you've been through. It makes me cry to think of what your mother did to you with stepfather. How utterly appalling!

 

My husband, too, was an only child for 10 years until they adopted. He was the only biological child in a spate of miscarriages for my mother-in-law. Needless to say, he was adored, smothered with love, too smothered. His issues are the exact opposite of mine.

 

When you meet with the therapist, you can ask about sharing the abuse with H, asking if the therapist can meet with him once to let him know what you're going to be doing and how he can help. I had a physical therapist meet with my husband when I hurt my shoulder and show him how to massage the area, and that was really helpful. H needed to know that he could help in my healing and how, and the phsycial therapist was the one who asked him to come for 15 mins. to a session. I'm just wondering if that wouldn't be helpful to you.

 

I know what you're talking about : That's exactly it! That's why I don't share this with just anyone. And when I do, it's just matter-of-fact because I think it might be of help to a particular situation. I've discovered that sharing this and having it be met in a certain way actually hurts instead of heals. So if you're going to share this now with H, he needs to know that certain responses are not helpful, in fact are harmful. In my case, a lecture on why I should buck up and just feel grateful would be retraumatizing even though I know it's not meant as such. It's just that that particular thing was part of the abuse in my case. So my husband knows he better not do that to me unless he wants to tap into that reservoir of rage that's still in the process of siphoning off.

 

Your H probably needs a similar set of instructions that you may not be able to give him until he gets it wrong--then you know! So maybe a general introduction as to what he's in for from a therapist and you would be helpful.

 

Now, a word of encouragement for your overwhelming task: the rage is siphoning off thanks to therapy. I am getting better, stronger, wiser. I'm becoming (hence the name) more in control of my emotions and responses to life instead of just reacting to things based on the old lies and assumptions. There really is hope, and the hard work of therapy is so worth it.

 

It's ok--you can have good things. No one's gonna hit you or hurt you when you do.

 

So make that call. I'll celebrate with you when you do.

 

Well, I tried to make the call and they are closed today. I will do it tomorrow.

 

Yes, I agree that I'm in a safe place now and that's probably why all these issues are coming out now.

 

That's a great idea about my husband meeting with the therapist. He suggested that as well. I think it would be good for him to hear from a professional, "She cannot help it"- not that he's angry with me, he's not. I just think having never encountered this, he just doesn't understand.

 

Yeah, my mom was a real piece of work and I got a call last night that my homeless drug addict half brother may have been found dead this weekend.

It breaks my heart, but I couldn't help him anymore because it was jeopardising my sanity. I had to tell him, I love you- but I cannot fix this for you back in May. I had not talked to him in three years when he called me.

 

I did tell him that the "buck up" speech doesn't work with me because it's not as if I'm not grateful for those things that I do have. A year ago I was living in an apt, barely supporting myself, right after a divorce. My former in laws, who I adored, put me through hell. I have come a long way I know.

 

Part of me also wants him to acknowledge more, that it's a miracle I'm still alive and that I've had a successful life thus far.

 

I am grateful for what I have, I just don't know how to starve off the pain.

 

On the meds- I took Paxil for a couple of years and it worked, but I have RLS and it made it worse, plus I couldn't enjoy sex. They tried Lexapro on me but I couldn't have a orgasm. It's really going to take a bit to find something that works, doesn't make me gain 60 lbs and doesn't keep me from orgasming. I know that sounds crazy, but I'm enjoying sex for the first time in my life right now and I don't want to lose that, I think it would push me over the edge more than ever.

 

I think perhaps something that would relax me that I could take- as needed- not everyday for anxiety along with a anti depressant. I took Wellbutrin and it worked before, but the last time I tried it it wired me.

 

I'm so glad you started this thread.....

[Becoming]

MzP: Yeah you! You made the call! I forgot about this being a holiday, one of my favorite ones at that. But you'll call today.

 

I agree about anti-depressants and sex--that's the pits, huh? Wellbutrin is good for sex, but it made me wonky after awhile so I took myself off and tried more natural things like 4 Omega 3 capsules/day and 5-HRT. I seem to have a deficiency in something that allows my body to utilize B vitamins. But good nutrition and lots of water seems to help.

[Mz. Pixie]

I would love to go the natural way. Tried Sam-e once and it messed with my stomach. On top of everything else I have IBS!

 

I think the HRT patch is helping a bit. I sure wish they would call me back about my levels so I can see if this dose is too high or too low. Yesterday and today I have felt a bit better than I did for the last several months.

 

I'm reading Joyce Meyer- Battlefield of the Mind as well. Has some interesting things in there.

 

I also wanted to comment on your comments about judgement? Since my mother denied that the molestation and the abuse happened, I've often thought about what it was like for her when she finally got to Heaven? They say that all things will be revealed so I'm wondering- you know you always think of watching your life flash before your eyes?? I'm wondering if the things that she did to me, and knowingly let him do and get away with, had to flash before hers?? I like to joke that about 10 minutes after she died, she got a real rude awakening, because she always said, "I'm not going to have to go through judgement like everyone else, because I've suffered so much here on Earth" Just thinking about it gives me a giggle. Its sad to say that I've not missed her once since she died, it has been too peaceful!

[blind_otter]

I'm reading this book "Potatoes not Prozac" regarding sugar sensitivity and addictive personalities/depression.... I've had piss poor responses to SSRIs and Wellbutrin was like taking speed for me. Although I have diagnoseable depression, no meds to date that I have taken have been advantageous in treating me. It seems like I have to approach this with dietary and lifestyle changes.

 

They messed around with my meds and I got epilepsy from it, so I think that they are way more dangerous than they let on or ever explain.