Why can't men just say they don't love you?

[blue5000]

okay, i'm wondering why intelligent, caring men don't realize that the best way to break-up with someone is to tell their partners that they don't love them anymore (or something along those lines)? do men realize that definitiveness is what women need? do they realize that saying - i don't know what i want or something along those lines just gives women hope? thoughts...

[heartnsoul]

A. It takes courage. We all know that intelligence doesn't automatically include courage.

 

B. They don't want to hurt you.

 

C. They don't want to close the door in case any other avenues don't pan out.

 

D. Some people are just cowards.

 

do men realize that definitiveness is what women need?

 

refer to options A - D

 

I'm sure some folks out there could add to this.

 

It's up to each individual whether or not they want to acknowledge what could very well be 'false hope' given by said dumper.

 

Denial seems to get heart broken people (like us?) into what could be a long ride on that emotional rollercoaster. As hard as it is; read the actions...they speak louder than anything.

[blue5000]

heartnsoul, thanks for replying. don't you find if their words are confusing, their actions are as well. i do. yes, it might be true that they haven't broken down your door and proclaimed their love for you, but lack of definitiveness, actions and words, is a real issue. i hear you, denial isn't just a river in egypt, but i think a lot of people on ls wouldn't be holding on to their ex's if they were told by them -- i don't love you. i don't want to be with you. i don't see us together, ever! it might sound harsh, but those are words with no room for interpretation. right?

[J dub]

no matter what the circumstances or the ultimate message that comes from an ex, the dumpee is still going to greive and thus will question why the end had to happened, whether or not they can fix it, or change the ex's mind, etc. Its just how human nature copes with a loss.

 

I had an ex who said to me, you drive me nuts with your crazy lifestyle and youre lack of being able to make a decision. I dont love you for you anymore. I love you as a friend, cuz I care, but thats it. You need to leave, NOW.

 

I was all, "but...is there another girl? was something I did the last straw so-to-speak? will he change his mind??" it just doesnt end.

[witabix]

okay, i'm wondering why intelligent, caring men don't realize that the best way to break-up with someone is to tell their partners that they don't love them anymore (or something along those lines)? do men realize that definitiveness is what women need? do they realize that saying - i don't know what i want or something along those lines just gives women hope? thoughts...

 

Ok Blue 5000. Sit down and read this.

 

I am who I am. Some people may have read some of my posts. But that is still not who I am.

 

I told my g/f that I did not love her when she asked me that direct question. "Look into my eyes and tell me you don't love me". I said I don't love you.

 

I said that because I did feel that she should not love me. Not because I do not want her to. I felt that I was not the best man she could be with. I felt I knew she could do better than me.

 

It was a painful situation. A distraught man, suffering because of other issues, suffering so much that he wanted his love to go away and love another man because I was not worthy of her respect, or in fact of my own.

 

She did not do that. She stayed. She saw what I was, and still am going through, she understood. She is still here, and I love her more for that.

 

Saying you do not love someone is not always what it seems. Just as saying you love them is not always what it seems.

 

She is a special person because she can see through the words and actions and emotional tantrums. SHE IS NOT PERFECT. But she may be perfect for me.

 

I am a direct man, and I really meant what I said because I was under the impression that I was damaging this woman. I would give up my love to protect a woman. I would give up myself to protect a woman I love. She would not let me do this, she insisted, she hung on, she stayed the course, she believed in me even when I could not.

 

It is not about words my friend, it is about actions.

[heartnsoul]

If you have to question the situation AT ALL. Then, no matter how confusing the 'words' or 'actions' are....the bottom line is still the same. When someone wants to be with you....there usually isn't much room for doubt (for the dumpee).

 

Sometimes, yes, people can genuinely be 'confused' but the truth is that if they broke it off....at that very moment...they KNEW it wasn't going to continue. We, the dumpees; no matter how forthright the dumper is (as jdub stated) will inevitabley question 'was it something I did?' 'something I said' 'was I not pretty enough' etc.

 

It's denial. Denial is an emotion that leads all of us astray at one point or another. Leaving one trying to psycho-analyze the every minute detail surrounding the end of the relationship. It's emotionally exhausting. The end result, is to hold onto as much of that dignity as possible. It hurts like a bytch but if someone chooses that there's no more 'us' then, there's nothing you can do.

 

Time, patience, and deciding not to leave your happiness up to another is what it should boil down to. Now, if only it were that easy!

[witabix]

If you have to question the situation AT ALL. Then, no matter how confusing the 'words' or 'actions' are....the bottom line is still the same. When someone wants to be with you....there usually isn't much room for doubt (for the dumpee).

 

Sometimes, yes, people can genuinely be 'confused' but the truth is that if they broke it off....at that very moment...they KNEW it wasn't going to continue. We, the dumpees; no matter how forthright the dumper is (as jdub stated) will inevitabley question 'was it something I did?' 'something I said' 'was I not pretty enough' etc.

 

It's denial. Denial is an emotion that leads all of us astray at one point or another. Leaving one trying to psycho-analyze the every minute detail surrounding the end of the relationship. It's emotionally exhausting. The end result, is to hold onto as much of that dignity as possible. It hurts like a bytch but if someone chooses that there's no more 'us' then, there's nothing you can do.

 

Time, patience, and deciding not to leave your happiness up to another is what it should boil down to. Now, if only it were that easy!

 

What you say may be true in some situations. It is not true in mine. the person saying there is no more of us may be in pain, and trying to save you from the pain they are suffering. As a totally selfless act.

 

Look beyond your own limitations, look beyond the words, sometimes there is someone that is in so much pain that they cannot allow you to suffer what they are suffering, or allow you to even see what they are suffering.

 

Surface emotions can be misguiding.

[RecordProducer]

Blue5000, you're very correct that we need a definitive "no" in order to move on. But the dumper wants the attention. It feeds the ego when someone can't get over you easily. Leave open doors is the other thing too. I agree with Heartnsoul. Some people are just cowards.

[heartnsoul]

witabix.

 

I think most of us WISH for what transpired in your situation. Not at the cost of what you must've been going thru, of course. But, I wonder how common place these 'selfless' acts really are??

 

My ex left me with an 'I'm sorry for bringing you into my mess' So, what you're saying kind of hits a cord with me. He had 'issues' as well but all I could see was a man pushing me away. And because it's the LAST thing in the world I could ever do (push myself onto someone) I went away.

 

If I'm comprehending the OP's thread correctly....he didn't even tell her he didn't love her. He didn't give her 'closure' or anything resembling it. From what I can gather it was just a 'goodbye' and 'maybe I'll meet up with you later'.

[reader]

I agree that actions speak louder than words, and that all of the possibilies listed are possible.

 

I was told tonight, when I asked a friend who got back with his fiance, if he didn't want me to email or call him, he said, you can email...I don't want to be an a**h***, but it will upset my gf if you call, event though there is no reason, it will still upset her... In fact, he seemed a little nonplused that I was happy for him that he got back together with her. I am happy for him, I just wish he could have treated me with a little more directness about the quality of our friendship. Besides, it won't last anyway, and hopefully in the meantime I can get my self respect back and move on.

 

The bottom line is, you don't know until you know.

[whichwayisup]

There are times we need to hear the words, but it's the actions that counts most of all. All the little things that sometimes go unnoticed, those are the things that scream out I love you! To me, anyway.

 

Witabix, touching post.

[blue5000]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

 

Witabix - your situation resonates with me. My ex, like the rest of us, has a lot of baggage. To make a long story short, his parents did quite a number on him as a child. As a result, he is suffering now and, to his credit, is trying to work some stuff out. I think in some ways he thinks I could do better. I'm also three years older than he and I think he's afraid that if we try again and fail, he would have taken more of my time...time, which at my age, could have an impact on my having children. Though I tell him that this isn't an issue. I think he's afraid and it does bother me to think that if I was younger, he very well might give us another try. I guess my question to you, and to others reading this post, is how do you know whether to fight, like your girlfriend did, for your relationships or not?

 

Regarding the indecisive actions/words. Isn't it also possible that someone is indecisive b/c he/she really doesn't know. Perhaps circumstances in his/her life is making him/her feel stuck...or is I don't know really a no?

[blue5000]

Reader -- I completely agree with you, you don't know until you know.

 

Here is a question, when is I don't know really I don't know? There have to be times when someone truly doesn't know in which direction to go.

 

I don't want my ex to represent a completely unlived life. I want to know when one should make the decision to pursue or give-up. Keep in mind, that our break-up was in many ways, my doing. You can read my other posts to get the full story.

 

I would appreciate your thoughts.

[riobikini]

RE: "...i'm wondering why intelligent, caring men don't realize that the best way to break-up with someone is to tell their partners that they don't love them.."

 

Answer: Because they know women will ask questions like

 

1) WHY don't you love me?

 

2) Is there SOMEONE ELSE?

 

3) Is it ME?

 

4) Is it SOMETHING I HAVE DONE?

 

5) WHEN did you stop loving me?

 

6) WHY is this happening NOW?

 

-and men don't like to answer those questions, they require actually TALKING to you.

 

-Rio

[LN8840K]

If they tell you they don't love you, then you will wish they just ignored you

 

if they tell you there is someone else, you wish they said they didnt love you

 

if they ignore you, you think the truth would better

 

getting dumped just sucks period.