bdaygirl Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I've been with my boyfriend nine months. We're supposed to be really in love with each other, and in a serious committed relationship. We have been saying we want a future together. Today was my birthday, and I got no card or flowers, and no present. I'm totally in shock by this because he has pretty good income compared to most people. I extremely care for his children, they are really great kids, but it's hard for me knowing that he totally spoils them and for me, no card even. I told him how sad I was, and he said that he just doesn't send cards to anyone. He said he didn't even get his daughter a present on her birthday, but he got her a brand new car and Ipod-------I'm not jealous, like I said, I really like the kids, and love that he's such a good father, but how much does that say about how he feels about me....when everyone else who is close to him gets spoiled, and I get not even a card....he spoils the kids and cheaps out on his girlfriend? I don't expect to be on their level, but right now am feeling like chopped liver.... It's not about presents, it's about the fact that sending flowers would be nothing for him as far as $ goes, and he put no effort into making my birthday special, he called and emailed and told me happy birthday and that's all. I waited all day thinking I'd be surprised. Basically, I feel weird about this and don't know about this relationship, although I've thought he was a great person, I feel like the last priority in his life and am considering ending it. All based on the birthday, it's making me feel really terrible. I love him, and thought he loved me, now I doubt that. Am I overreacting?
freckles3131 Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I would be hurt....It IS the thought that counts....not the "price of the gift" or whatever....You should say that too him. "It's the thought that counts...could have been a simple red rose, card, something...a note on your pillow..." I would be pretty ticked....
freckles3131 Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Ok, he did call and email...but still..............after being together for 9 months?? Not enough effort, in my humble opinion......I guess when his birthday rolls around you could give him what he "gave" you.....an email and call...and see his reaction......if you stay with him, that is what I would do....
slubberdegullion Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 ohfercryinoutloud... Get over yourself. So you didn't get another flower or another card that will soon be thrown out or something like that... so what? Maybe the guy's just not big into birthdays. That seems pretty clear since he didn't get his daughter anything either. Did you ever tell him that you actually wanted something? Or did you just assume that "if he loves me, he'll get me something"? He called, you tried guilt-induction, which is a good reason not to call anymore. Why would he now want to be in contact when you're going to pull off some immature shyt like that? yea, I'm grumpy today So, from what I understand, he's a warm and loving, respectful and caring gentleman, but you're considering ending the relationship because he didn't get you a card? Do you know how ludicrous that sounds?
Walk Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Basically, I feel weird about this and don't know about this relationship, although I've thought he was a great person, I feel like the last priority in his life and am considering ending it. All based on the birthday, it's making me feel really terrible. I love him, and thought he loved me, now I doubt that. Am I overreacting? This is my experience with "no gift" holiday/birthday. My ex hubby always remembered my bday every year. We never had much money, so the gifts were small. A card, dinner together. Time together. One year he "forgot". Just forgot. I kept waiting, and waiting. but nothing. He forgot. I noticed he forgot me more and more. He was busy, didn't have much energy for me and our relationship. Valentines day rolled around, and he didn't get me anything. He wanted to hang out at the bar. This was after years of gift giving and a pattern had been established of how bdays were treated. I gave him gifts on his bday, he gave on mine. So it's slightly different then your situation. BUT. I realized that he'd stopped putting me high on the priority list. He wanted me to stick around, but didn't want to put any effort in to the relationship. I "forgot" his bday the two years after he started forgetting mine. He was furious. Sulked, moped around. It was pathetic. He acted like a baby. Gauge this one off of how he treats you the rest of the time. My current bf doesn't like to celebrate his bday, but I'd already told him I wanted to spend the day with him, and do stuff together. So we did. I think he probably would've treated my bday as he wishes his was treated. Leave me alone for the day, call, but don't make a big deal out of it. You really had needed to make your wishes and expectations better known prior to your bday. You'll have to evaluate the rest of your relationship on whether he places you low on his priority list. I think a 9 month gf should be slightly lower on the totem pole then the persons kids, but not bottom of the barrel.
whichwayisup Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 Birthday's may not be important to him. IF you want a big deal made of your birthday in the future you have to tell him that! How was he supposed to know? You say he did call and email you! That is great and I'm sure to him, that effort he made was supposed to mean something to you. The fact he called. Some guys wouldn't and possibly forget! Look for his actions, and all the little things he does. That shows how much a man loves a woman...Doesn't always have to come in the form of a gift.
Outcast Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 If he doesn't celebrate his own daughter's birthday, then you're making a mistake getting upset about him not celebrating yours.
loony Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 She said he got his daughter a brand new car and an iPod on her birthday. Even if men don't really care that much about their birthday, how many women are here who don't? And if his daughter is old enough to drive a car, he surely must have met a couple of women in his life already? But if he's nice otherwise I would ask him about it.
Outcast Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 I don't believe the car and Ipod were birthday gifts, though I could be wrong.
JayKay Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 I've never been with a 'serious' boyfriend who didn't get me something on my birthday! I'd be hurt too! And Slubber, you ARE grump today. Sheesh. It's not about the 'stuff'. It's about someone thinking of you and caring enough to acknowledge, "Hey, for a few minutes today I'm going to remind you you're special....because I love you" What's the big deal about that? I'm sure the guy has things that matter to him too......and would care if she were insenstive about the things that mattered to him. For example, my BF couldn't give two craps about birthday cards. But if I forget to say 'goodbye' to him in the morning when I leave for work it hurts his feelings. Why? Because it matters to him I could tell him, "Oh, get over yourself..." but I choose to remember to always say good bye before I leave. Because to him, it represents respect and caring. We all like to know that our loved ones care about us and respect us. Those little things people do for each other matter. 1
bdaygirl Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 Thank you to everyone who's been supportive in this issue, it may seem minor to some, but it's important to me for a couple reasons. #1- He DID get his daughter a brand new and expensive car for her birthday, in fact he asked ME for ideas on what to get her, I had some ideas, and he came up with the ipod instead. The newest model, of course. #2- The day AFTER my bday, he bought his son a new snowboard. I want to make it clear that I am not jealous of the kids, but this man is wealthy by alot of people's definitions. And I am actually below the poverty line on paper. This man pays his ex-wife's rent, and buys everything she needs for her. ALL I expected was a bday card or flowers! It's hard for me knowing that he totally spoils everyone else while I struggle, and then one special day comes around, and not even a card. We are very very close, talking several times per day, planning a future together, I just spent a week at his house with his kids, it's a serious relationship.... But I feel too stressed out by the money difference and this bday thing put me over the edge to where I don't know if I want to deal with it anymore.. I'm not a selfish person. And I don't understand why in a serious relationship like this, my first bday with him, why shouldn't I be disappointed? I told him how I felt and he didn't apologize, he didn't send flowers after the fact, either. He had told me earlier this week that he's taking the kids to florida this month and may invite me and my son, said it would be like a second bday present- but now has not mentioned it again at all, and I never got a first bday present...I don't know if I want to be with someone that spoils their kids so much in front of me, and expects all other aspects of a relationship from me while cheaping out when it comes to me, and me only. Maybe it's some kind of test? Maybe he wants to make sure I'm not after his $? That's why I only wanted a card or flowers.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 I think we are missing a critical piece of information here. You indicated that that he is not that into bdays, in fact did not get his daughter a bday present, but did buy her things on other occassions. You have not told us if he does the same for you. If he consistently treats you like his last priority - that's one thing. But if he generally treats you great/special/whatever and simply didn't do the bday thing - then I'd say let it go. Over time teach him that these events are important to you - by making a big deal over his bday AND his kids bdays (regardless of how old they are). Remember the reason you are hurt is not because he wanted to hurt you, but rather because he did not behave in the way you had hoped. This could just be a miscommunication.
loony Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 What I don't fully get is, how many dads would not get their daughters something for their birthday? And how many daughters would find it normal if they didn't get anything from their dad? And how many men did not get any presents from their parents on their birthday? So, how come that when they grow up, some just don't care that much anymore about birthdays anymore and don't understand it when their girlfriends would feel hurt?
slubberdegullion Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Some families simply don't bother with birthdays. What may be normal for you & I may not be normal for another. It's really not that big a deal.
NYCmitch25 Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 I've been with my boyfriend nine months. We're supposed to be really in love with each other, and in a serious committed relationship. We have been saying we want a future together. Today was my birthday, and I got no card or flowers, and no present. I'm totally in shock by this because he has pretty good income compared to most people. I extremely care for his children, they are really great kids, but it's hard for me knowing that he totally spoils them and for me, no card even. I told him how sad I was, and he said that he just doesn't send cards to anyone. He said he didn't even get his daughter a present on her birthday, but he got her a brand new car and Ipod-------I'm not jealous, like I said, I really like the kids, and love that he's such a good father, but how much does that say about how he feels about me....when everyone else who is close to him gets spoiled, and I get not even a card....he spoils the kids and cheaps out on his girlfriend? I don't expect to be on their level, but right now am feeling like chopped liver.... It's not about presents, it's about the fact that sending flowers would be nothing for him as far as $ goes, and he put no effort into making my birthday special, he called and emailed and told me happy birthday and that's all. I waited all day thinking I'd be surprised. Basically, I feel weird about this and don't know about this relationship, although I've thought he was a great person, I feel like the last priority in his life and am considering ending it. All based on the birthday, it's making me feel really terrible. I love him, and thought he loved me, now I doubt that. Am I overreacting? There is an age when we should stop expecting other people to make a big deal out of our birthdays..... Oh and that age is 11.
tulle Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 my darling girl ..i know how u feel...i just spent about 300 bucks on my guys xmas present and i know he bought a coffee machine for his ex..he got me a cheap indian skirt... it hurts like crazy and u feel foolish ...esp when hes on a huge income and ur not... its easy to say "dont expect anything" but we women nurture and nurture and when theres very little in return u feel sick in the end give up the relationship? maybe ..u just dont know...so many are like this... how nice it would be to feel spoiled... im dreading the question" hey what did u get for xmas"///even my kids noticed and i too feel like chopped liver hugs to ou girl...chin up go give some bucks to some african kids...thats what im gonna do now from now on ..so i dont feel sorry for myself
SuperMonk Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 Look at these posts sounding so sympathic.... but remove the sym, and it is pathetic advice. You should trust those that are more true with the realism than fantasism like my above posters. Your man doesn't love you that much plus he has a kid, that's like extra baggage you don't need. There are plenty of better men who are single without kids, leave him. 1
scruffles2121 Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 If you are anything like me, you dig birthdays, valentines day, christmas, and probably the rest of them. They are special days for doing special things for the people you care about. So when someone you care about does not recognize this after being "serious" together, they either don't know you well enough to know you enjoy special occasions or they don't care. For my ex, I went all out on his birthday, and one month later on mine he did squat. Nothing, just a call to say happy birthday. I was crushed! And I am not a materialistic kind of person, I am just sensitive and romantic. I honestly thought about breaking up with him over the whole thing, then I thought maybe I was selfish and I let it go. 2 months later we split because of the lack of effort he put into the relationship. If this guy does not recognize how important it was to you, then he is not really listening to you. It's not about how much or how little money a person has, it is the thought that counts. And honey, he wasn't thinkin about you. I'd back off and take time to reevaluate the relationship.
lexilas Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 I'd be upset too. Even if he isn't big on cards, he should have gotten something because it's important to you. His action makes it seem like he has never been in a relationship before or that he's been living on Mars. The norm is that Birthday's are big and if for some reason he decided not to get you a gift, he should have discussed it with you beforehand. I understand you weren't being materialistic but that you just wanted him to acknowledge you were special to him - and what more appropriate time than a birthday? However, I wouldn't comtemplate breaking up with him over it. I'd just let him know that it hurt you and you hope it won't happen again in the future. My bf forgot my birthday after being together a year. I actually had to drop hints throughout the day and when he still didn't get what I was hinting about I had to come out and tell him it was my birthday. All I got even when I finally told him was "Oh, I'm sorry - happy birthday" The End. I got him back though - when his birthday rolled around I sent him a card in the mail with just my name signed at the bottom. Hang in there.
lindya Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 There are certain principles that, if your partner holds them, you should respect - even if you disagree with them. Some people consider birthdays (and Valentine's day and Christmas) overly commercialised and therefore like to make a point of ignoring them. I call that Scroogeness wrapped up in a principle. Honestly... how earth shatteringly important is it to avoid lining Hallmark's coffers when the opportunity cost involves disappointing a partner who does feel that it's important to mark those days? Bloody hell - a card and a box of nice chocs doesn't exactly break the bank or involve a huge amount of inconvenience - and it's a nice gesture to make. If he's got an issue about giving people birthday cards/presents, then I wouldn't be at all suprised to hear about a whole other laundry list of "principles" that have the ultimate effect of saving him money and stacking up an increasing pile of disappointing moments for you within the relationship. What a tight git. I'd just laugh and tell him that you'll be contacting the ghost of Christmas and Birthdays past to rattle its chains in his face if he doesn't drop his Scrooge-like ways.
Becoming Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 I think the reason why giving gifts is so important is because it's an indicator of so many things. After all, love is really about offering the gift that you are to another person, and how they respond to that gift determines whether you're going to be committed or not to the relationship. If that person doesn't reciprocate by offering the gift of her-/himself to you, it doesn't bode well. It stops the love flow short, setting up a subsequent tit-for-tat relationality that sets everyone up for resentment. I think that may be what gift-giving means for lots of people. Now, is it fair to put that overlay of meaning on birthday exchanges? I dunno. Why would you want to be in a relationship where you are the one giving and he's not, regardless of the monetary issue? I'd be asking what it is about the person who stays in a relationship with a person who is so ungiving. You're worth more than this guy's willing to give. Move on.
Ashlyn34 Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I know how you feel - my birthday was yesterday and after being with my b/f for 7 months I got NOTHING. I felt like a jerk saying something when he got ready to leave but I couldn't believe that he didn't think enough of me to get me anything. He told me he spent a lot of money when we went away for the New Years weekend. Newsflash - I paid for the hotel, some drinks, some meals and shared the tickets to the hockey game with club passes that I rec'd as part of my Christmas bonus with him so it's not like I didn't pull my financial weight for the weekend - and besides what has that got to do with my b-day?!?!?!? I told him it wasn't about the money. He could have gotten me a card and a rose at the grocery store for under $10 and I would have been thrilled that he had taken the time and effort to do something to make my day more special and just knowing that he was thinking about me would have made me feel good. I am a single mom with 4 kids on a very tight budget but I manage to get him little things or do little things for him thru out the year for no reason because I want him to know how much I care and it makes me feel good to make him happy. He does NOT have financial problems it's just becoming painfully obvious that he just doesn't care. Time to the read the book he's just not that into you again.....maybe this time it will sink in.......I deserve better. I say you dump him and move on - that is what I'm doing. Good luck!
Becoming Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I know how you feel - my birthday was yesterday and after being with my b/f for 7 months I got NOTHING. I felt like a jerk saying something when he got ready to leave but I couldn't believe that he didn't think enough of me to get me anything. He told me he spent a lot of money when we went away for the New Years weekend. Newsflash - I paid for the hotel, some drinks, some meals and shared the tickets to the hockey game with club passes that I rec'd as part of my Christmas bonus with him so it's not like I didn't pull my financial weight for the weekend - and besides what has that got to do with my b-day?!?!?!? I told him it wasn't about the money. He could have gotten me a card and a rose at the grocery store for under $10 and I would have been thrilled that he had taken the time and effort to do something to make my day more special and just knowing that he was thinking about me would have made me feel good. I am a single mom with 4 kids on a very tight budget but I manage to get him little things or do little things for him thru out the year for no reason because I want him to know how much I care and it makes me feel good to make him happy. He does NOT have financial problems it's just becoming painfully obvious that he just doesn't care. Time to the read the book he's just not that into you again.....maybe this time it will sink in.......I deserve better. I say you dump him and move on - that is what I'm doing. Good luck! You go, girl! Good for you!
lilmoma1973 Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 Happy Bday to you and sorry your b/f is such a jerk!! Some men can be very inconsiderate of others and some can be very considerate!! Just make sure you pay him back on his bday!! Are you sure he hasn't got something planned for you and making you think he doesn't?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I needs to read that book again too *sigh* I always make a big deal about my birthday before it arrives so that whoever I'm with knows that it's a big deal to me It works! He is an ass for not making any kind of effort...email DOESN'T cut it these days and is so impersonal. I even get offended with e-cards....unless it's from far away. You could talk to him and tell him how it made you feel. Give him a chance to make it up to you, and if he doesn't follow through, then see if he pulls the same thing on Valentines day.
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