Spiritual differences in relationships

[Artlover]

Hi everyone:

 

I have another question. Would love to hear back from a diverse group of people, if possible. How important (for long term success) do you think it is for two people to have similar spiritual/religious beliefs?

 

I'm NOT religious, but quite spiritual: I have a meditation practice and do yoga and pray daily. But even more importantly, I have faith in a larger purpose in each of our lives. I truly believe all things (challenging or easy) happen for a reason. And I believe there is a grand plan, a path, if you will, for each of us. The person I've been having a long distance thing with, describes himself as "not a very spiritual guy." And when he first said this, it alarmed me. Then we talked about it and it became clear that he DOESN'T believe he has ultimate control and he DOES believe there's a higher force of some kind out there. So then it didn't seem to matter so much. Whatever he chose to call it, he still believed in some sort of higher power.

 

The other day, he referred to himself as an athiest and I felt myself tense up. I didn't say anything at the time. What can you really say about something like that? I have no intention of trying to shove my beliefs down his throat. I just wonder if this can ultimately work. I've dated men in the past who believed in nothing and felt everthing wsa random. And they were some of the most fearful, maladjusted people I've ever met, despite their good looks, money, intelligence, etc. So far, the guy I've been seeing seems pretty well adjusted and even optimistic!

 

What do you guys think? How important do you think it is for two people to be on the same page spiritually? Would you consider marrying someone non-religious if you're devout, or marrying an athiest if you're spiritual?

[Tony T]

1. "he referred to himself as an athiest and I felt myself tense up..... What can you really say about something like that?"

 

Athiests do not believe in a deity, a God of some sort. That doesn't mean they aren't spiritual in the fashion you described. A higher power does not have to be in the form of a God or an authority. It can even be a divine order of some sort.

 

However, if you study astronomy, you will find the universe if pretty chaotic. Even our own planet has met doom in the past and will ultimately be destroyed and the sun will burn out in about 3 billion years. This is divine order.

 

I really don't know about all this myself. I would hope that a higher power would think more about this creation than to put people through all the crap they have to go through. So if there is divine order, a God, or whatever controlling all this, I am pretty pissed off at him, it, etc., for doing such a bad job of things. Then, again, I guess when you have to run a whole universe, you do the best job you can with each galaxy.

 

Again, your guy will probably develop more spiritually as he gets older but he can be very spiritual and retain his atheism. Abe Lincoln, one of the great U.S. presidents who compassionately freed the slaves, was an athiest.

 

2. " How important do you think it is for two people to be on the same page spiritually?"

 

I think it would be nice but if the two people are very open minded and flexible in their thinking it's not important in the slightest. But finding two people like that is rare.

 

3. "Would you consider marrying someone non-religious if you're devout, or marrying an athiest if you're spiritual?"

 

If I loved the person, the feeling was mutual and we worked out all the details, hell yes I would marry them. We'd have to have some plans on how to raise the children from a religious standpoint but that can be easily done. However, if a spiritual person hooks up with a religious nut...or someone whose parents are religious freaks, you've got a serious problem.

 

One day in our human evolutionary process, people will hopefully move away from this kind of religious finaticism and understand God, if you believe in Him, has a sense of humor and He doesn't mind at all if people are religious, agnostic, athiest, or whatever. The universe is an equal opportunity landlord and everybody is subjected to the same crap regardless.

 

As a matter of fact, religious people seem to have more wars in God's name than those who are agnostic.

 

I just don't know that answer to all this religious stuff but I know you can work it out.

 

A nun told me once that if I didn't get baptised in the Catholic Church I wouldn't go to heaven. So just for insurance I did so. I believe in covering all my bases.

[quankanne]

tony, you should have made that nun hand over her "Get Out of Hell Free" card, while you were at it, lol.

 

for what it's worth, the labels people hang on themselves and others are just another device to create distance. If you look at this guy with your heart, and sense that he's a good person -- despite whatever he labels himself -- then go with that. People have an innate detector of sorts that alerts them to the good (positive) and evil (negative) in others, and you need to trust that. Tony's example of Abe Lincoln is a good one: He called himself atheist, yet he practiced compassion. Think of Ghandi or MLK, who differed in religious backgrounds, but did their best to do God's work.

[Artlover]

Your Ghandi/MLK example is really just stating the obvious. They were both religious/spiritual men. The issue isn't can a protestant marry a catholic. Or can a Hindu marry a Baptist. The issue is can one person with a strong belief that everything in life is how it's supposed to be (at all times), because of a belief in a divine order of some sort, be comfortable long term with someone who is sure they are the master (100%) of their own destiny (they have a magic talisman against disease/death of a spouse or child/car accident/brick falling out of the sky, etc.) and that this is all one random crapshoot. THAT was my question. My guy surely does not fall into that category. But I've known people like that and the moment things don't go according to their plans, they're ready to commit suicide (and I'm not joking).

 

In fact, some people think that one of the contributing factors to our new "prozac nation," is the breakdown of the family as well as a loss of connection to something other than our bodies and our worldly desires.

tony, you should have made that nun hand over her "Get Out of Hell Free" card, while you were at it, lol. for what it's worth, the labels people hang on themselves and others are just another device to create distance. If you look at this guy with your heart, and sense that he's a good person -- despite whatever he labels himself -- then go with that. People have an innate detector of sorts that alerts them to the good (positive) and evil (negative) in others, and you need to trust that. Tony's example of Abe Lincoln is a good one: He called himself atheist, yet he practiced compassion. Think of Ghandi or MLK, who differed in religious backgrounds, but did their best to do God's work.

[Lauren]

It seems like spirituality/religion has been a discussion in some of my relationships. I feel that people focus too much on the "religion/religious" - the actual creed - rather than the FAITH itself. If you study the numerous religious creeds - their faith lies in very similar areas. They all revolve around a "higher power" as you referred to it and they focus on responsibility and respect for what the higher power has created/offered. I do not like labels "Lutheran", "Catholic", "Protestant" or anything else. I feel that it is impossible to believe in Catholicism. It is impossible to believe in a religion. Again, a religion is just a creed. It is a bylaw, per say, like the Constitution. I'm not saying that the Catholic (or any religious) books/creeds/scrolls are nonsense or not important. A person's faith is in what they believe - believe themselves to be and what they truly trust upon, respect, and follow on a daily basis. Faith is what is inside of you. It is very personal. It is about a relationship that you have with yourself and whatever/whomever you believe may be a "higher power". I, therefore, have difficulty with the "athiest" position or even "agnostic". There has to be something driving these people- even if it is to go to the bar and get drunk and pickup a companion. It is what someone strives for. That probably sounds dispicable - some people just cannot go very deep. There are many other differences that can strengthen or weaken a relationship. Similarities can have the same effect as well - remember that!!!! Perhaps your different viewpoints on a "higher power" will enlighten each other and open perspectives not considered. Clear up the "athiest" issue; find out what that means. In the meantime - I read a book - and although it concentrates on bible stories/prayers - I think is very enlightening, warming, and beneficial regarding a relationship with spirituality. It is truly about developing a relationship with your "higher power". It is called "Daring to Draw Near". Hi everyone: I have another question. Would love to hear back from a diverse group of people, if possible. How important (for long term success) do you think it is for two people to have similar spiritual/religious beliefs? I'm NOT religious, but quite spiritual: I have a meditation practice and do yoga and pray daily. But even more importantly, I have faith in a larger purpose in each of our lives. I truly believe all things (challenging or easy) happen for a reason. And I believe there is a grand plan, a path, if you will, for each of us. The person I've been having a long distance thing with, describes himself as "not a very spiritual guy." And when he first said this, it alarmed me. Then we talked about it and it became clear that he DOESN'T believe he has ultimate control and he DOES believe there's a higher force of some kind out there. So then it didn't seem to matter so much. Whatever he chose to call it, he still believed in some sort of higher power. The other day, he referred to himself as an athiest and I felt myself tense up. I didn't say anything at the time. What can you really say about something like that? I have no intention of trying to shove my beliefs down his throat. I just wonder if this can ultimately work. I've dated men in the past who believed in nothing and felt everthing wsa random. And they were some of the most fearful, maladjusted people I've ever met, despite their good looks, money, intelligence, etc. So far, the guy I've been seeing seems pretty well adjusted and even optimistic! What do you guys think? How important do you think it is for two people to be on the same page spiritually? Would you consider marrying someone non-religious if you're devout, or marrying an athiest if you're spiritual?

[Artlover]

I will try to find that book.

[Tony T]

I think your question can only be answered by considering the personalities, open mindedness, depth and rigidity of belief systems, etc., of the two people in a relationship.

 

Normally, it would be the more secular religious person who would be the holdout in a couple which included an athiest or agnostic. The non-religious person would be much more apt to accept the one with religious beliefs.

 

A lot of this depends on how someone was raised as a child. I'm convinced that most rigid, religious gook gets enstilled in children at a time when they are vulnerable to accepting almost any kind of dogma as reality. Acquiring this sort of information at a young age is very powerful when the child is older.

 

Children can easilly imagine lakes of fire, a harsh and judgmental God, etc. When they grow up, that stuff is stuck really stcuk hard in their minds. So whether they can be tolerant of one with different beliefs will depend on the nature of and just how powerful this information was that was presented to them in their childhood.

 

It is possible for two people with differing religious or spiritual views to be quite comfortable with each other if they can bend on the issue. However, I think you would have a more difficult time achieving harmony with someone who is vegetarian vs. someone who is a meat eater...or with someone who enjoys news programs vs. another who is crazy about soap operas.

 

When all this got started thousands of years ago, the only thing two people had to have in common to be right for each other was the desire to get through each day alive.

 

We've come a long way, baby!!!

[midori]

This is something that came up in a relationship I had. I am spiritual but in no way dogmatic. I believe that some people have a sense of "God" or a higher power, an innate feeling that there is a larger, universal force -- whatever you want to call it, however you choose to address it. And other people simply do not have that sense within them. To me, either perspective is equally valid: it seems to me that if there is a God (and I believe there is), then God isn't going to fault those who for whatever reason are unable to apprehend divinity. It's not their fault. My sister is an atheist, pure and simple. She and I had the same upbringing in a mildly religious home. She eventually came to the honest conclusion that there is no God. She had no traumatic experiences with religion or God that put her off the notion, she's just being honest with herself when she says she doesn't believe. I respect her and trust her and if I had kids and needed someone to take care of them for me she'd be the first person I'd turn to, without a qualm for their spiritual well-being.

 

BUT I think there are also a lot of people out there who are kidding themselves: deep down they have a sense of a divine power of some sort but they are unwilling to acknowledge it because they feel that this divine power -- since it's divine -- ought to have created a more perfect world. They are prone to saying things like, "if there's a God, how come there is so much suffering in the world?" -- as if they think that the only way that there can be a God is if God directly controls everything, intervening when people mess things up, etc. My old boyfriend was like this. The problem with a spiritual person getting involved with a person in denial about their spirituality is that the former's faith, no matter how quiet and personal it is, challenges the latter's position.

 

If your guy is truly an atheist things may be just fine between you (provided he is as respectful of your spirituality as you are of his lack thereof). If you have kids you'd have to sort out how you want to raise them but two caring, intelligent, secure people can come to an understanding about this. But if your guy is floundering about his own spirituality, if he's issuing subconscious challenges for someone to prove the existence of a divine power, I'd be very surprised if it could work in the long run.

Hi everyone: I have another question. Would love to hear back from a diverse group of people, if possible. How important (for long term success) do you think it is for two people to have similar spiritual/religious beliefs? I'm NOT religious, but quite spiritual: I have a meditation practice and do yoga and pray daily. But even more importantly, I have faith in a larger purpose in each of our lives. I truly believe all things (challenging or easy) happen for a reason. And I believe there is a grand plan, a path, if you will, for each of us. The person I've been having a long distance thing with, describes himself as "not a very spiritual guy." And when he first said this, it alarmed me. Then we talked about it and it became clear that he DOESN'T believe he has ultimate control and he DOES believe there's a higher force of some kind out there. So then it didn't seem to matter so much. Whatever he chose to call it, he still believed in some sort of higher power. The other day, he referred to himself as an athiest and I felt myself tense up. I didn't say anything at the time. What can you really say about something like that? I have no intention of trying to shove my beliefs down his throat. I just wonder if this can ultimately work. I've dated men in the past who believed in nothing and felt everthing wsa random. And they were some of the most fearful, maladjusted people I've ever met, despite their good looks, money, intelligence, etc. So far, the guy I've been seeing seems pretty well adjusted and even optimistic! What do you guys think? How important do you think it is for two people to be on the same page spiritually? Would you consider marrying someone non-religious if you're devout, or marrying an athiest if you're spiritual?

[Tony T]

Some very good points made here and I agree.

[melody]

i think spirituality means different things to different people. if we think of being spiritual as related to religious beliefs and practices then that limits our understanding of spirituality. like any other aspect of a relationship, what makes two people connect. do people have to be of the same race or culture in order to connect or can their differences add to the relationship and make each other grow? some people who are jewish will only marry another jewish person as some people who are catholic or christian will only marry other christians. what it seems like we are talking about here is can we deal with when someone is different from us or do they have to be the same as us? what do you think?

[Artlover]

AWESOME points! Yes, I think that's exactly what I've experienced in the past. The two men I can think of off the top of my head were afraid of their inner selves, including their spirituality. One of the guys I dated was of Eastern Indian descent and was fascinated with my meditation practice, as he was once religious. But after his mother cheated on his father and had children out of wedlock and claimed thay were her husband's, he lost his faith. He was very adamant about this. And he was one of the most uncomfortable in his skin, sad people I've ever met, despite his money and good looks and over abundance of charm. I actually thought he might re-evaluate some of his views through our relationship and through encountering me, but he ultimately could not run away fast enough.

 

I think that's where the problems enter. When one person is spiritual and the other is wounded in that way. Like a successful artist dating a blocked artist. TROUBLE!

Some very good points made here and I agree.

 

[melody]

there are some good points made there. maybe spiritual difference have a purpose. if one has faith and the other doesn't how can the two agree?

AWESOME points! Yes, I think that's exactly what I've experienced in the past. The two men I can think of off the top of my head were afraid of their inner selves, including their spirituality. One of the guys I dated was of Eastern Indian descent and was fascinated with my meditation practice, as he was once religious. But after his mother cheated on his father and had children out of wedlock and claimed thay were her husband's, he lost his faith. He was very adamant about this. And he was one of the most uncomfortable in his skin, sad people I've ever met, despite his money and good looks and over abundance of charm. I actually thought he might re-evaluate some of his views through our relationship and through encountering me, but he ultimately could not run away fast enough. I think that's where the problems enter. When one person is spiritual and the other is wounded in that way. Like a successful artist dating a blocked artist. TROUBLE!

[midori]

That's a great analogy! I might borrow it sometime.

When one person is spiritual and the other is wounded in that way. Like a successful artist dating a blocked artist. TROUBLE!

[WGirl]

I think as long as you and he are able to accept and respect your religious differences, it will work. Most people are very set in their religious beliefs. If you feel you will be happier with someone who shares beliefs, maybe he isn't the right man for you.

Hi everyone: I have another question. Would love to hear back from a diverse group of people, if possible. How important (for long term success) do you think it is for two people to have similar spiritual/religious beliefs? I'm NOT religious, but quite spiritual: I have a meditation practice and do yoga and pray daily. But even more importantly, I have faith in a larger purpose in each of our lives. I truly believe all things (challenging or easy) happen for a reason. And I believe there is a grand plan, a path, if you will, for each of us. The person I've been having a long distance thing with, describes himself as "not a very spiritual guy." And when he first said this, it alarmed me. Then we talked about it and it became clear that he DOESN'T believe he has ultimate control and he DOES believe there's a higher force of some kind out there. So then it didn't seem to matter so much. Whatever he chose to call it, he still believed in some sort of higher power. The other day, he referred to himself as an athiest and I felt myself tense up. I didn't say anything at the time. What can you really say about something like that? I have no intention of trying to shove my beliefs down his throat. I just wonder if this can ultimately work. I've dated men in the past who believed in nothing and felt everthing wsa random. And they were some of the most fearful, maladjusted people I've ever met, despite their good looks, money, intelligence, etc. So far, the guy I've been seeing seems pretty well adjusted and even optimistic! What do you guys think? How important do you think it is for two people to be on the same page spiritually? Would you consider marrying someone non-religious if you're devout, or marrying an athiest if you're spiritual?