Family and the holiday blues

[amerikajin]

A lot of you vets on LS know my situation to some degree. I've been living overseas the last 3 1/2 years and 'seeing the world', which I think has been a great experience in many ways.

 

Unfortunately, I regret to say that during that time my half-brother and I have grown apart. It used not to be this way, but I just don't know how to deal with his frustration anymore. For the past few years, and especially the last two or three years, he has seemed very embittered. He hates his job for one thing, but for another he's always trying to get us to move closer to where he lives (both mom and I). And the longer we stay away, the angrier he gets. I try to tell him that it is not an avoidance of him, but that seems to be how he's taking it recently. It's not at all avoidance - I would like to move closer to him at some point in the future, but right now, I've got my own thing going on and I'm honestly pretty happy with it. If I felt that my family actually needed me to help, if there was a family emergency or crisis, and I sensed that I was really needed around, believe me, I'd move - I wouldn't hesitate. I believe that family has to be there for those times when it really matters. It's just that at the same time, I also believe I have an individual life to lead and I think each individual has the right to pursue what they feel is best for them.

 

To give you some background, my brother is 11 1/2 years older than I am. We have the same mother but different fathers, and our personalities seem to split somewhat along paternal lines. That said, we've always been pretty close, I think.

 

It's my own theory, but I think a lot of this actually has to do with things that happened when I was really young, things that happened between my mother, my father and my brother. My father (deceased) was a horrible alcoholic, and my mother divorced his father to marry mine. My father was constantly drunk during the time that we were all living together. Frankly, if I had to judge, my mother never should have married my dad under the circumstances of that time, and she certainly never should have exposed my brother to the things he ended up having to deal with because of my father. I know he felt and probably still feels a lot of pain from that time, especially since he missed his own father.

 

I have the feeling that he also believes that I somehow got the good life and he got the shaft. Eventually, my dad cleaned up his act (well, for a while anyway) and I had a relatively stable childhood. My dad was also more affluent than his and I grew up in a nicer house and got things that he never had. I guess that, in a way, he resents a lot of that. I think he was able to supress a lot of those feelings but when he started having trouble with his career, and when he moved, and we didn't move with him, he started feeling bitter about it. He wasn't like this until recently, and I was always under the impression that all of his demons were in the past. But for about the past two years he's been forever negative and always criticizing me and my decisions and rarely has anything positive to say. And for the last six months, he's simply said nothing at all. He stopped returning my emails. I was like, WTF? That's where things stand.

 

For me, I have decided I am not going to be treated like this. I am not going to try to be the one to patch things up on my own, because I wasn't the one getting all bent out of shape. Mixed families are complicated, I guess.

[brashgal]

Families are complicated even when they are not mixed. I am almost 9 years older than my brother (there are a couple siblings in between) and for awhile I felt that I was shafted, my parents were more affluent after I graduated college and my brother seemed to have a more priveleged life than me and my other siblings. That feeling has diminished over the years but I remember the feelings. And we are a pretty happy, cohesive family - I can imagine how this is magnified in a blended or dysfunctional family.

 

My children are 12 years apart, same father. Dad has been very tough on #1 son and due to the divorce, #1 son rarely speaks with his Dad - lots of resentment there. Especially as he sees how Dad dotes on #2 son who is 9. Dad has more time now and realizes a lot of the mistakes he made with #1 son - he's trying to be a better father. This holiday season #1 son is not speaking with Dad and is barely speaking to me as I think he needs to try to mend his relationship with Dad.

 

It'll take baby steps. Are you able to visit your brother much? Maybe you and Mom can coordinate more visits so he feels more a part of the family? I feel for you, this is a tough situation to be in.

[Outcast]

Is your brother married? Has he friends? It doesn't sound healthy that he needs family to be around and sulks if they're not. Would he consider therapy if your mom suggested it?

[amerikajin]

Brashgal,

 

It'll take baby steps. Are you able to visit your brother much? Maybe you and Mom can coordinate more visits so he feels more a part of the family? I feel for you, this is a tough situation to be in.

 

I have been visiting him on average about once a year for about two weeks at a time since I've been living here. My mother visits him maybe three or four times a year, so it's not like he never sees us. I think a lot of this is dissastisfaction with the way things have turned out in some aspects of his life, particularly his career. And a part of me suspects he's envious of the fact that I don't have a lot of familial obligations right now and I go traveling alot while his life is relatively 'ordinary' by comparison.

 

Outast,

 

Is your brother married? Has he friends? It doesn't sound healthy that he needs family to be around and sulks if they're not. Would he consider therapy if your mom suggested it?

 

You're right - he doesn't sound healthy. I think he's depressed and I've mentioned to my mother that he could benefit from counseling. All of this actually started about 4 1/2 years ago. I moved to Florida to be with my ex and he didn't really 'agree' with my decision. We ended up getting into a nasty exchange and stopped communicating for about 6 months - again, it was he who was getting all bent out of shape.

 

In the past, he has sometimes been open about how he didn't like mom's decision to divorce his father (and who would?) He has sometimes slipped a few comments to the effect that he feels 'out of the loop', as though mom and I have a great relationship (which we do) and his is sour, which I don't think is the case, although I can understand why he has issues with my mother. Still, why he's taking that frustration out on me and not her doesn't quite add up. The only thing I can conclude is that he is afraid that if he takes it out on her that he will destroy their relationship, so maybe he feels that, in a way, it's easier to vent to me. Regardless, I've warned him that I'm not dealing with that anymore but he apparently ignores me. He's had this 'My way or highway' attitude toward people lately, not just me. And if he doesn't like what they have to say, he just writes them off. This is not the person I grew up respecting.

[Outcast]

It just doesn't sound ok. Why take out your frustrations on your family? It's true that depression in men often manifests as anger. Remember when next he's at you; the wounded animal bites. I think his attitude signals that all's not right with him. Try to not pay attention to his anger and do urge him to get help if you can.