Monice Posted August 5, 1999 Share Posted August 5, 1999 Ok This might be a little lenghty just to get all the info in... I am 31 y/o married for 12 years been together 15 years.I have been unhappy in this marriage for over 2 years now. When we first met we were young and in love at least we thought were at the time. I got pregnant at 19 we got married. Marriage was fine for a while had more kids (4 total) I was his first and only girlfriend to which he was insecure and possesive and controling towards me always used to threaten his life if I would ever leave him.So I stayed with him I was young I didn't know any better.To this day I don't think we would of gotten married if he didn't threaten that.Anyway 15 years later he is still the same no change and still has the same threat if I leave. I have matured and figured out what in life i want.I have tried to leave but I always get the same thing from him and with 4 kids it is hard to just up and go.He is not physically abusing me. Just mentally. I do love him how can I not after 15 years but I am just not IN love with him anymore. i am at the point where even if he does change it's too late.So should I stay and wait to see if things change or make that serious move and go? I don't want to look back in another 15 years from now and say damn I could of been happy. Now on to my other delema.... Last year I met a really nice guy from the internet. We met in person and next I knew I was having an affair with him.I never planned on it. I have been faithful for 15 years til now.When it first started he would come see me at work, we would chat online for hours,and talk on the phone.After about 3 months he just up and left no word from him at all for a month.He knows of my whole situation at home.(which we never talk about) Then after that month of being gone he came back and promised he would never hurt me like that again knowing that he did. But he has no real reason to why it is that he left like that.Since then things have changed he doesn't come see me at work anymore we don't chat online or talk on the phone anymore At one point he was even honest enough to tell me he met someone else but didn't work out. Which was fine with me at the time cuz I do understand he is single still and I can't be the one there for him all the time being married and all. But he came back to me once again.Now the only time we email each other is to set up a day and time to meet which is only a few hours a day while he breaks from work. It's mostly just to have sex.He is the one that usually initiates when we are going to meet. I goto his place he used to come here but kids are out of school right now so he can't. But after we see each other I don't hear from him for days.I have strong feelings for him. What should I do? Is he just using me? Or do you think he really cares butis afraid to get too close cuz I am still married? Oh my this is long here...sorry but if anyone has any kind of advice please send it my way here.Be honest. Thank you for taking your time to read this sincerly, Monice Link to post Share on other sites
Crystal Posted August 6, 1999 Share Posted August 6, 1999 Ok This might be a little lenghty just to get all the info in... I am 31 y/o married for 12 years been together 15 years.I have been unhappy in this marriage for over 2 years now. When we first met we were young and in love at least we thought were at the time. I got pregnant at 19 we got married. Marriage was fine for a while had more kids (4 total) I was his first and only girlfriend to which he was insecure and possesive and controling towards me always used to threaten his life if I would ever leave him.So I stayed with him I was young I didn't know any better.To this day I don't think we would of gotten married if he didn't threaten that.Anyway 15 years later he is still the same no change and still has the same threat if I leave. I have matured and figured out what in life i want.I have tried to leave but I always get the same thing from him and with 4 kids it is hard to just up and go.He is not physically abusing me. Just mentally. I do love him how can I not after 15 years but I am just not IN love with him anymore. i am at the point where even if he does change it's too late.So should I stay and wait to see if things change or make that serious move and go? I don't want to look back in another 15 years from now and say damn I could of been happy. Now on to my other delema.... Last year I met a really nice guy from the internet. We met in person and next I knew I was having an affair with him.I never planned on it. I have been faithful for 15 years til now.When it first started he would come see me at work, we would chat online for hours,and talk on the phone.After about 3 months he just up and left no word from him at all for a month.He knows of my whole situation at home.(which we never talk about) Then after that month of being gone he came back and promised he would never hurt me like that again knowing that he did. But he has no real reason to why it is that he left like that.Since then things have changed he doesn't come see me at work anymore we don't chat online or talk on the phone anymore At one point he was even honest enough to tell me he met someone else but didn't work out. Which was fine with me at the time cuz I do understand he is single still and I can't be the one there for him all the time being married and all. But he came back to me once again.Now the only time we email each other is to set up a day and time to meet which is only a few hours a day while he breaks from work. It's mostly just to have sex.He is the one that usually initiates when we are going to meet. I goto his place he used to come here but kids are out of school right now so he can't. But after we see each other I don't hear from him for days.I have strong feelings for him. What should I do? Is he just using me? Or do you think he really cares butis afraid to get too close cuz I am still married? Oh my this is long here...sorry but if anyone has any kind of advice please send it my way here.Be honest. Thank you for taking your time to read this sincerly, Monice This is not a good situation.What if your husband finds out? How do you think he will react? I say to forget about this other guy,being that you have been married for 15 years this other guy probably thinks there is no hope for a long term relationship.And he has probably moved on. And it sounds like to me he is just using you now.I have been married for 20yrs.Let me tell you at times it is no bed of roses.No one is perfect.I'm sure your husband has some good qualities.Anyways if your husband hasn't changed in 15 yrs,he ain't going to.This is something you need to look inside yourself and decide what you want.I think there is hope in this,maybe if you both go to counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Constance Posted August 6, 1999 Share Posted August 6, 1999 I think that you should end one relationship before you try to start another......Well, Itz kinda late for that. But I think that if you look inside yourself, and you find that you feel guilty for betraying your husband, than there is still a chance to revive your marrage. If he loves you, and is willing to forgive, there are a lot of marrage concelors out there, and even though he may never change, he may learn to stop the threats and treat you better. however, if you feel no guilt whatsoever about having an affair, then there is probly (in my opinion) no hope for your marrage. Don't try to 'stay together for the kids' that never works. It'll just make you a bitter, mean old lady that kids tell horror stories about. Most of people I know have parents that divorced when they were young. As long as you let your kids know that it is NOT their fault, they'll probly be able to deal with the decision you make. This is truely a BIG decision though. You can get all the advice you want, butin the end, the final word has to come from you. Good luck. ~Constance~ Link to post Share on other sites
Al Posted August 29, 1999 Share Posted August 29, 1999 Dear Crystal: I can't seem to get my response displayed, i have already written you 3 times and have erased all of them. If this goes through i will try again. Link to post Share on other sites
Al Posted August 29, 1999 Share Posted August 29, 1999 Dear Crystal: I can understand fully what you are going through, but the way you are going about it is wrong. If anything i have learned over the past 34 years, is you are only on this earth but once. It may sound selfish, but you have to do what makes you happy and not what others think. A counsellor, parent, friend or whoever might think they are giving you good advice, but no one has ever taken any. We have to learn these things on our own, and the right thing is what your heart is telling you to do. A suggestion might be to get out on your own or with your children to think about what you want or who you want in your future. Being involved in another relationship is distracting you from thinking clearly, all that you can think about now is what story can i come up with to tell my husband where i have been all night. I am no saint or perfect person myself, but think about what your children would think about you if they knew you were having an affair. This guy knew you were vunerable from the start, when you told him you were unhappy with your husband. Guys prey on women like you as an easy target. Believe me any guy that says this is not true is a liar. I hope this gave you some insight! Link to post Share on other sites
Monice Posted August 29, 1999 Share Posted August 29, 1999 Dear Crystal: I can understand fully what you are going through, but the way you are going about it is wrong. If anything i have learned over the past 34 years, is you are only on this earth but once. It may sound selfish, but you have to do what makes you happy and not what others think. A counsellor, parent, friend or whoever might think they are giving you good advice, but no one has ever taken any. We have to learn these things on our own, and the right thing is what your heart is telling you to do. A suggestion might be to get out on your own or with your children to think about what you want or who you want in your future. Being involved in another relationship is distracting you from thinking clearly, all that you can think about now is what story can i come up with to tell my husband where i have been all night. I am no saint or perfect person myself, but think about what your children would think about you if they knew you were having an affair. This guy knew you were vunerable from the start, when you told him you were unhappy with your husband. Guys prey on women like you as an easy target. Believe me any guy that says this is not true is a liar. I hope this gave you some insight! Thank you Al Yes you have given me some insight.As of now I have slowed down my on the side relationship. Giving myself some time to think about thigs. I have been looking for a place to move to. I just haven't been able to find one that I can afford on my own. When one finally does come along I ust hope I have the strenght to up and go like I have right now to do. But once again thank you ~~Monice~~ Link to post Share on other sites
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