VAGirl Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. I am 28 and he is 34. We have had our ups and downs, as does everyone, but for the most part it's been a wonderful relationship. This summer I purchased an apartment and he moved in with me. Our plan was to live there for a year and then get married-rent to place out or sell it and use the money to move somewhere together. Well, 3 months into living together he told me that he had not been happy since we moved in and that it (of course) was not me but him, that he thought at this point, he should WANT to get married, that he should FEEL IT, but he didn't. So, we took some time apart. He moved back into his old house with his old roommates, for about 2 months. He went home for Thanksgiving and when he came back to town he came over and said that he had been a fool, he loved me, that he didn't want to look back at the end of his life and see that I wasn't in it, I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he wanted to make us work, fix things, do whatever it took...etc. All the wonderful things I wanted to hear. Well, this week, all of 2 weeks later, he has said that he still doesn't feel it, that he convinced himself that coming back to me was the right thing to do, but he still didn't have the "feeling." He said he is just miserable and doesn't know what is wrong with him. He loves me, there is no doubt of this, but he just doesn't want to progress to the next step and he said that I needed to know that. He said that it tears him apart to know he is hurting me this much and that is no one's fault but his own. I am on an emotional roller coaster. In those months without him I was depressed, mad, then started to accept things and could envision moving on with my life without him-but then he comes back and says all the right things and I am overjoyed and now this BOMBSHELL-AGAIN and now I am at rock bottom. I don't know what to do. Any advice? HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 I don't have "the marriage feeling" either, and I'm married. A 34 yo guy who has always been single is either gay, a geek who can't get any, or someone who is scared of commitment. Sounds like things are otherwise good for you, but you'll better off later if you let him have his space now. It's probably hard for him to accept that he'll never be with another woman again, don't take it personally. And he'll have to come back to you eventually. He's too old to be hitting on 21 yos at the club, and the selection of single women his age is outrageously slim. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 Hello VAgirl. I just want to ask you, what is so wonderful about him, or the time you spend together..? Sounds to me like he's all talk, no commitment, no idea where he's going or what he wants. Probably trawling around for other opportunities then wondering if he's 'made a big mistake' whenever he's knocked back by someone else. Given his age and the time you've known him, if he isn't interested in 'settling down' with you... he's far too immature, and probably won't get any better with age. Back to my original question... what's so wonderful about him..? Is it SO good between you..? And if YOU think so, if he's not feeling it, isn't something missing..? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenRose Posted December 18, 2005 Share Posted December 18, 2005 There reaches a point where men change. They stop thinking 'Man, I want to marry this girl!' and start thinking 'Man, do I really want to marry this girl?' If he hasn't asked by now, and doesn't seem to intend to.. Then cut him loose so to speak. Let him move out. Let him see you move on. I mean, are you expected to wait by the phone while he considers his options? For all you know, he could be holding you back from the man who you're supposed to marry. Both of the previous posters are right. There isn't a 'marriage feeling' and if he's looking for it, he's looking for something that doens't exhist. A man of 34 should be able to get his priorities straight.. And if he has, then you're obviously not at the top of that list. Do you want to be with someone who ranks you at #2 or #3 on that list? No way. My own boyfriend has told me that the idea of never being with another woman is a scary thing sometimes.. But that the idea of losing the girl who makes him happy and then being single forever, and alone, is a lot scarier. I think that you need to evaluate the situation. Weigh out why you love him, what you get out of it. Then think about what you're not getting.. Because after 4 1/2 years, honey, he should be able to make up his mind!! Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted December 18, 2005 Share Posted December 18, 2005 What good reason - I mean really good reason - would a couple want to introduce marriage into an otherwise healthy relationship? What do they expect will change? And, more to the point, does anyone truly believe that pressuring a partner into marriage is somehow a positive step forward? After 4 1/2 years, it's pretty clear that the dude is committed to you. IMHO, you're better off enjoying what you have rather than dreaming of some non-existent rosy future, with both of you running slo-mo through the grass, after a wedding. Life isn't like that. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted December 18, 2005 Share Posted December 18, 2005 It's all about what you want out of life. I marriage is important to you then you will need to move on. Tell him that while you do love him, if his goals and yours are not in line, then you both need to stop wasting your time. Bottom line is that I wouldn't let him back unless he was willing to set a date for the wedding (screw the ring, you want the event!). If marriage is not important to you, then I agree with Slubber. Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted December 18, 2005 Share Posted December 18, 2005 About half of marriages don't survive nowadays. Society is not what it once was and people feel less pressure to conform. If he doesn't want to get married, I'd suggest you let him go. If he gets married, STILL doesn't feel the marriage 'feeling', there's a good chance the marriage won't make it. Marriage is hard enough for people who WANT to be married. And I do disagree that if someone isn't married 'by a certain' age it means they're geeky or emotionally malformed somehow. I have a good guy friend who makes an excellent living, is nice looking, affable and intelligent. He has no trouble meeting women. He just doesn't want to trappings of marriage and age 50....has no problem telling people that. He's a great uncle to his four nephews, who keep him plenty occupied, and gets to have his freedom. That's how he likes it. Throughout history there have always been men and women who eschew marriage -- they are generally noncomformists. But what's so bad about non comforming? Anyway, back to your boyfriend. Give him the ultimatum. He can marry you or move on. You need to choose what you want in life and go for it. It may also mean sometimes that you have to let go of certain relationships or make serious compromises. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VAGirl Posted December 22, 2005 Author Share Posted December 22, 2005 Thank you all for your advice and opinions. It has helped. We have decided to just end it for now. Every time we see each other it is just emotional torture for us both. I just don't understand why things ended up this way. It's not like I feel that I HAVE TO GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW, but, I do want that (the husband, the kids, etc.), eventually and if he doesn't, then I'm wasting my time I guess. He said, in one of our heart-wrenching conversations, that if we were meant to be together, we would be, he had to believe that, but right now, we've just come to the point in our relationship that the only step left is marriage, and he just can't do that right now. So, that's where things stand now. Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 VA Girl, you did the right thing. Sometimes to have the life you truly want, you need to be assertive. AND you need to let go of the people and things who can't bring you what you truly want. It IS hard. Hang in there. You will have a happy life someday. Link to post Share on other sites
Niki Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I am in the same situation and was told the same thing "he lovesme, he didn't want to look back at the end of his life and see that I wasn't in it, I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he wanted to make it work" May 2006 will make 4 years. But it will not work out, because we want two different things. I want to get married, have a kid, and he doesn't. It's hard especially when you love that person, but when you two do not have the same life goals, it will not work and someone will get hurt in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
befree Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Tell him that as long as he doesn't have the Marriage Feelng, you don't think you should live together. Move out or have him move out again and I bet he will get that "marriage Feeling" Real soon. About six to eight months from move out date. My sister did this and they are celebrating their two year Wedding Ann. this month. As long as he has you living with him and he has this hang up. It won't change. MOVE OUT!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts