Advice needed on Same old story

[BrokenWarrior1988]

I dont know where to start.I guess the first thing to do is to say Hello and Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and/or replie this post.

 

I met this girl about 8months ago and since then we have become very good friends. I met her through friends and as soon as we met we clicked,she laughed at my jokes,i laughed at hers ect ect.Anyways ive kinda fallen in love with her (after six months) and i cant tell if she has any kinda feelings for me,i think about her all the time and shes very special to me and not knowing if she likes me back is really starting to depress me.I know i should just ask her out but the friendship at risk is to special to me i dont wanna do anything to jepodise it.let me start by telling you of the positivve things i have noticed in her behaviour towards me

1.she calls me or atleast txts me everyday and comes down to see me.2 she always laughs at my jokes.even when they're poor.

3.all her friends seem to know who i am,my name ect evn though i havnt meet half of them(although she did say once that her friends tease her cos they think shes into me)

4.she has cancelled her plans to go out just to come see me (although she has done the same to me B4)

5.she loves to play fight with me ALL the time.

6.She complains its different when its not just the two of us (like if we are together and someone else is coming round)

7.she tells me alot of personal things.

8.shes always eager to impress my family espically my mum.

9.she talks alot about me to her mum.

10.she always compliments me on my taste in music,movies ect and likes alot of the same bands as me.

11.shes always going on about how much she loves relatioships and how she wants be in one after i told her i really like relationships.

12.shes always saying nasty things about my ex's.

13.she called me up when she was drunk and talked to me for like 20mins saying things like "i just wanted to speak to you" and apoligiseng every 2mins for ringing me when shes "in a state" saying things like i love you do u love me (albeit in a joking way)and when i said yes nothing changed she just started talikng about somthing else.ten minutes later she rang me saying she felt really ill and that the people she was with didnt believe her

and was over implying she wanted me to pick her up so when i asked what she wants she said "i need my Terry) (thats me btw) so i said do u want me to come pick you up and she said yes,i stayed up all night with her while she was sick and in the morning she keeped saying "oh your so nice and caring" but then made out like i offered to come pick her up and she didnt really mind either way(which really pissed me off).

 

here are the negative things i pick up on

1.when she does somthing to Piss me off,she always says "im sorry babe u know how much i love you)every time she says it i get the feeling shes saying it in a friendly way,kinda patronising.

2.she has a lot of male friends and tells me im her best "Male friend"

3.shes always saying things like "that boys nice" or "he's gorgous" and she keeps telling me what kinda boys she likes and i look nothing like them.

5.she told me about some boy she fancied at school (although she only brought it up once)

6.she only invites me to her house when she needs me to do somthing (like put up a shelf or fix somthing)

7.she sleeps at my house and although we sleep in the same bed and up the same end she never makes a move to get closer to me it feels like shes trying to push herself as far away from me as possible.

8.shes always saying things like "i know a girl whos realy nice u will like her" and "whats wrong with this girl that girl ect ect.

9.she went out with a group of her friends and a guy i dont like (cos of somthing he did to her)was there and she lied and said he wouldnt be.

10.shes always telling me how caring or how nice i am but again in a friends kinda way(i can tell by her tone,voice ect

11.finally she told a friend of mine when asked if she likes me that she dont and she proved it by saying that she goes all shy around guys she likes (shes anything but shy around me trust!).

If u managed to read all that then thank you again.if u have any advice i would highly appricate it.

[seanryann]

I know what you're going through. Reading the positive things makes it pretty certain how she feels about you.

 

I think you're underestimating the positives and overthinking the negatives. Re-read all those positives-and ask yourself if she likes you. I think she absolutely does.

 

You two are obviously good friends. I think the thing you have to do is sit down with her, just the two of you, in private, and tell her how you feel. One of two things will happen:

 

1) She'll tell you she just wants to be friends. OK, you can handle that. It might be awkward between you two for a little bit, but you've been friends for long enough that you'll both get over it. She'll just be flattered you even feel that way about her.

 

or

 

2) She tells you she feels the same way about you. She'll probably ask you why it took you so long to tell her how you fell about her .

 

Whatever her answer is, you'll feel better having an answer; whether it be a yes or a no. You don't want to look back at this years from now and kick yourself for not saying something. Go for it.

[BrokenWarrior1988]

lol thanks for the advice man im just not to confident with these things and thanks for taking the time to read it.

[Moai]

Dude, I hate to say it but this chick is using you. I have just gotten out of the exact same situation.

 

There is no doubt that she likes you, but what is so great about that? She doesn't love you, and has no interest in having a romantic relationship with you. She does, however, get off on the fact that you want her. And believe me, she knows that you want more, and she plays on that fact.

 

I would not recommend telling her how you feel about her. Your chances aren't good now, but if you tell her you'll kill any hope you had at all. You'll feel terrrible, she'll get a great ego boost, and every time you are with her it'll be weird. Why bother? She's being as clear as she can that she doesn't want you, but also behaving is such a way that you will still want her. She gets what she wants, and you get torture.

 

I would still be nice to her but be WAY less available. Think about it--she is getting all of the benefits of having a relationship from you, but has to put out no effort herself. Is this relationship fair to you? Every so often she gives you little things that make you feel like there is hope, and then she pulls them back. She's playing you like a fish on the end of a line...

 

Be nice, but be remote. See other women, as often as possible. They'll take your mind off of her, and one of them might treat you the way you deserve. Maybe if you become more of a challenge she'll come around, but I doubt it.

 

You are reading too much into the "positives" and not seeing the negatives for what they are--which isn't your fault, as you are in the middle of it and emotions cloud everything. The whole thing about staying up with her while she was sick and her comments afterward show me that she is manipulating you. By telling you that she didn't care one way or another if you picked her up is her way of diminishing the importance of what you do for her, and makes it ok for her to not have to do anything for you. She knows that she is using you, but instead of stopping and keeping some boundaries she happily takes everything she wants from you while giving you nothing.

 

Her asking you about other women is telling you that she doesn't see you as a man at all. Act like one and give her less of you than you have been, as you have been giving it to her for free. Nobody appreciates what they get for free. Women like this are poison, and the longer you keep this up the more hell you'll endure. And it'll all end eventually, trust me, so you may as well bail now and not waste any more of your life on her.

[seanryann]

But Moai, I think it's hard to tell whether he's being used or not.

 

It's hard to put all those negatives in the correct context.

 

If it's true and she is using him, then that relationship isn't headed in the right direction anyway, and telling her how he feels isn't a risk. If she says yes, then they can go from there and see how the relationship plays out. If she says no, then BrokenWarrior can re-evaluate the relationship at that point.

[Moai]

But Moai, I think it's hard to tell whether he's being used or not.

He said that she only invites him over when she needs something fixed. That's it right there. She's using him.

 

It's hard to put all those negatives in the correct context.

I am not sure what you mean by context, but everything that he wrote I have experienced myself first hand. She is a manipulative harpy.

 

If it's true and she is using him, then that relationship isn't headed in the right direction anyway, and telling her how he feels isn't a risk.

 

It isn't that telling her how he feels is a "risk"--she doesn't dig him, and will shoot him down. Guaranteed. He is already being mistreated, and feels terrible, and telling her will make it worse. Beyond that, she already knows how he feels, and is gleefully taking advantage of it.

 

If she says yes, then they can go from there and see how the relationship plays out. If she says no, then BrokenWarrior can re-evaluate the relationship at that point.

She won't say yes. She has no respect for him, and by telling her how he feels she'll have even less. It was sobering for me to read his post, as I have dealt with the exact same thing before--it's uncanny. This woman is treating BrokenWarrior like a pet. It sucks, but that is the truth.

[BrokenWarrior1988]

well i told her yesterday and she said she dnt feel the same.at first she was like i dnt know what to say and then she said she thinks she secretly loves me too and then i ask her to tell me how she feels and she said she dosnt feel the same.now shes going away for a week and i dont think shes ever gonna talk to me again cos things aint been the same since i told her and now i dont know what to do.

[roxie_x]

Just thought I would throw a slightly different opinion into the pot...

 

Although I'm having the same sort of problems with my male best friend, previously I'd been the one that wasn't really interested... or was I!

 

My take on it is this... I have had male friends and thats all they have ever been but for me to get that close to someone else i.e my friend in the way your best friend is close to you... there usually is something more than friendship.

 

I never had a clue I had feelings for my friend, it all just came out the blue! He started acting more flirty/boyfriend like with me and I fell for it! (He's now playing the not interested game!)

 

She prob. does have feelings for you but admitting it might feel weird and thats why she's not being very consistent.

 

When I realised I liked my friend, I was overly nice one min. and then really off the next.

 

Its a big step taking it to the next stage - unfortunatly for me, its completely ruined the friendship I had BUT it isn't always like that...

 

I hope it works out for you - keep us posted!!

 

Roxie :-)