I am so freakin lost

[Lithium]

About 2 months ago my wife started a new job. Things were okay but we needed a little more money. About a month ago she started getting really bitchy and acting funny. I suspected cheating so........ I put a keylogger on my pc, got her myspace password, and started snoopin around and guess what.

 

She was sending stupid flirty emails back and forth w/ her boss (I was pissed..... here is the one she sent him after I confronted her)

 

Hey! got your email from an old email i forwarded to myself if your wondering. Sounds like you've had an eventful weekend, volunteering at an animal shelter...either you always know exactly the right thing to say to melt people or I don't know...

But I do know that I am totally wrong for you're just a wonderful guy.

Look, I'm sorry for getting emotionally involved and all. I've been an idiot for flirting with you in those emails. I'm married and I've been dishonest with my husband and I feel very guilty. I haven't been respectableI'm trying to repair my marraige and I can't email you anymore..

Did my husband email you because it hurts him. He told me he didn't but I wasn't sure. and he doesn't trust me anymore. Guess I underestimated him for a minute - he hacked my damn password for myspace and read even my delted emailse. Friday morning he invited me to leave him if I was planning on cheating on him, and Friady night he said it's him or my job. Any fool would could make that choice quickly, but it doesn't seem like a fair choice to me. In his mind, we're making out all day at work. But in reality, besides emails, we're totally professionayou never cease to amaze meseiz.I don't know if he's coming around and starting to believe that i haven't and am not going to cheat on him, or what's going on in his mind. He's on a river today and yesterday we didn't talk about it., and found some that made him mad, obviously. And thaat's totally my fault and 'm sorryit'sfor chasing after you .

 

She promised no more emails and that she wouldn't talk to him at work. I admit..... I was pissed. I even asked her to quit her job so that she wouldn't be around him anymore. The orginal emails (which I can't find) went something like this.....

 

My wife sends a "survey" to everyone and one of the questions is "would you kiss me under the mistletoe?". He replies "yes" and " you better delete these". She replies "Until I get fired for sexually harassing you 5 days a week, these are deleted". He replies "how could I fire someone who sexually harasses me 5 days a week". And she replies " Well, you have me 5 days a week from 9 to 5.... deleted".

 

So now, 2 weeks later....... I find these........

 

Ben,

That was deliciously beautiful - is that the infamous letter from Lugwig van Beethoven to his immortal beloved? By the way you did a freagreat job this morning. , Kinda funny that I got a set of plans on Saturday,lol!, you always know what to do and what to say to completely melt me, how is that? I need to go out tonight and I was wondering if I couldwhat you're doing? 'mgoing out, have sitters line d upkidsI honestldidn't think you'd read my letter, you this morning, but I didn't know what to expectI didn't know what to expect.I would have loved to go have lunch today but I had to get mSkylar to a birthday party at the mall by 1, so I was couldn't. really , maybe we can meet somewhere., ., what do you think?If not then i'd love to have lunch with you anydayI'sometime during the week. Q'est caca tuvuosous pense? (probably in horrible syntax lol!!!)mon amie Since feeling is first, who pays anyattention to the syntax of things, will never wholly kiss you. Wholly to be a fool, when spring is in the air Your Val

 

 

Now what do you think of that. It's a little broken cause it's from a keylogger. I am hurting. I am hurting really, really, really bad. She says, "oh we're just friends". Yeah ****in right. We have 2 kids...... 4 and 6. I told her she could quit her job and stay away from her boss or we were divorced period. I am just up and down and up and down. I think I'm going nuts and I feel like I'm gonna puke. I have no idea what to do or say or anything. I am freakin lost. She says she loves me and wants to keep our marriage but won't quit work. How the hell am I supposed to trust her at work, everyday, taking lunches w/ that guy. I can't..... I'll go crazy, no way in hell. She also says she hasen't cheated on me...... I want to believe, but I can't.

 

Advice is appritiated.

[Becoming]

I've been where you are, and it feels awful. Finding such emails made me physically sick, nauseas and like an elephant was sitting on my chest. My husband didn't work near the person he had an email flirtation with, so that wasn't an issue. We eventually worked things out and our marriage is stronger. But it took time and painful honesty.

 

The thing I learned is that I was partly to blame for the situation. Our marriage was in trouble, and I was doing some things that led him to want to flirt with someone else. The email fling brought everything to a head and forced us to deal with the real issues in our marriage.

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com for help in putting things back together. They have things on that site about infidelity. Find a marriage counselor to help you work through this one way or another. Personally, I think she should quit that job, but I don't know your situation. If that's what you need in order to get past this, she should be willing to make it so if she's really serious about saving the marriage.

 

This is confusing because it's not like she physically cheated, right? But the betrayal feels just as bad. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Hang in there and focus on what you need in order to rebuild the trust you're gonna need for the marriage to continue. Get clear on what you want her to do that shows she's serious about staying in the marriage and working with you on the problems that obviously existed before she engaged in all this flirtatious behavior. But that means you also have to ask yourself some hard questions as well. Did you not pay her the kind of attention she needed that she felt like she had to get elsewhere? or what?

 

I'm not trying to blame you for the situation--that's not what I mean at all. She's clearly the one who's violated the marriage. And if she's not willing to quit her job in order to restore trust, you may have to throw her out and let her know you mean business. That may wake her up to the seriousness of her actions.

 

If you're willing to face the situation honestly, you can get through this. But it'll take work.

 

And no matter what, you will heal.