What makes a marriage joyless and boring?

[Becoming]

It seems it's not uncommon for people to feel trapped in a joyless and boring marriage, as we see in many LS posts lately. People ponder, "Shall I stay or shall I go?" Folks point out that arranged marriages are often strong because mutual interests and ways of handling the business of life are the basis for the relationship with passion often being a perq as love grows.

 

So what makes a marriage joyless and boring?

[portableversion]

Unrealistic Expectations.

 

"i'm not fulfilled because my spouse won't engage in group sex. Should I stay or go?"

[slubberdegullion]

Unrealistic Expectations.

This is SO true, it should be engraved on a plaque on the wall of every married couple.

 

A woman simply cannot expect her man to be at her beck and call, 24/7, and always be bringing home flowers and cards and all the rest. And a man cannot reasonably expect his lady to be ready for sex 24/7.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Resentment, obligation, different lifepaths, lack of sex and/or passion, etc.

[quankanne]

refusing to grow, both as a couple and as individuals. Life -- especially married life -- takes a lot of unexpected turns, good and bad. To remain stagnant or stuck in the mindset that "this is how it's always been, and so shall it remain" or "this response is the only response" is a deathknell for any relationship. I think people sometimes forget that a marriage is a living, breathing entity that matures just like any other living, breathing entity.

[Kenyth]

Too many to list. Inflexibility and selfishness is the root of most relationship evils. If you try to make each other happy and work to help solve each others problems, it goes very smoothly. Alway's concentrating on what the other person can do to please you, and trying to improve it, leads to dissatisfaction. Happiness is a matter of perception.

 

"I am thankful for small mercies. I compared notes with one of my friends who expects everything of the universe, and is disappointed when anything is less than the best, and I found that I begin at the other extreme, expecting nothing, and am always full of thanks for moderate goods."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

[FWIW]

So what makes a marriage joyless and boring?

 

Marriage to The Wrong Person. Don't give me that garbage about "working at it", "honouring the commitment" etc. Friendships often come and go, relationships outside of marriage come and go, why should a relationship last any longer just because you felt you had to play along and dress up and go to a church and spend a fortune and sign your life away...?

 

Yes, in an ideal world you'd only marry someone if you knew what true love was, and it would be worth ANY effort to keep it going. If, however, you grow to realise that you married for the wrong reasons and the relationship wouldn't have lasted without marriage and it's only Fear Of Divorce that keeps you together (or kids), perhaps it's time to break it up and start over?

 

Attention those who have a mission to save marriages : if you try to persuade someone without being convincing, in an abrasive know-it-all condescending manner, you will re-inforce their own opinion that they were right all along, and waste your effort

[Devils Advocate]

Unrealistic Expectations.

 

Simple to the point and absolutely correct but the original question doesn't go far enough.

 

The real question should be "So what makes a marriage joyless and boring and how do I avoid it ?"

 

Answer that question and you will be an inspiration to a nation of lost souls looking for answers.

[slubberdegullion]

Marriage to The Wrong Person. Don't give me that garbage about "working at it", "honouring the commitment" etc. Friendships often come and go, relationships outside of marriage come and go, why should a relationship last any longer just because you felt you had to play along and dress up and go to a church and spend a fortune and sign your life away...?

Because love is not a feeling, it is a decision.

[Kenyth]

Because love is not a feeling, it is a decision.

 

Was that the sound of a nail being hit on the head that I heard?

[Ditherer]

... love is not a feeling, it is a decision.

 

This is starting to drive me mad!! Will someone PLEASE explain this one, because I'm obviously missing something!

 

Ok, I can see how *IF* the love was very real and the connection was great in the begining, then any problems along the way can be fixed with enough dedication and the rewards will be great. BUT, if the love was never that good to start with, how can you simply DECIDE to love someone and it'll be great?

 

If you can just DECIDE to love *anyone*, why don't all the single people simply go out, find the first single person of the opposite sex they bump into, and DECIDE to love them?!! WTF??!!!

 

Fill me in here PLEASE, I'm mystified!! I keep reading this "love is a decision" stuff and it MAKES NO SENSE!! Wanna do us all a huge favour? EXPLAIN!!!

 

I thank you.

[Outcast]

Love is action, right? It is being considerate, thinking of things to do and say to be supportive and caring, following through on your word, showing affection, etc. It doesn't mean you can love any old person but they don't even do that in arranged marriages - the families are supposed to agree that the people they're arranging to marry are nice, acceptable, and will be good matches for each other.

 

As each of you treat each other with kindness and consideration, your affection will grow.

 

'It is the time you spend on your rose that makes it so precious'.

le petit prince

[Becoming]

Simple to the point and absolutely correct but the original question doesn't go far enough.

 

The real question should be "So what makes a marriage joyless and boring and how do I avoid it ?"

 

Answer that question and you will be an inspiration to a nation of lost souls looking for answers.

 

 

Yup. Hopefully in knowing what makes it joyless and boring we can go on to have a better idea about the second part, which I encourage you to post after we see how this unfolds. It'd be good to see the answers to both questions, and thus be an inspiration to not only a nation of lost souls, but others on the planet as well.

[WhoAmI]

Because love is not a feeling, it is a decision.

 

 

I tell my wife, who has had an affair and is still emotional attached to this OM (and doesn't have a spark for me), that love, at it's core, is a decision - not an emotion.

 

 

I am having a problem with her decision though.

[lilmoma1973]

Because love is not a feeling, it is a decision.

 

Totally agree with you on that Slubber if you meant that !! There is a book out called Love is a decision and it is about the five love languages it is a very interesting book by Gary Smalley our marriage counselor recommended it to us and it is really right on the money!!!

[Becoming]

Not being heard or feeling like you can't change what's not working.

[Craig]

A marriage is joyless and boring due to a predictable and consistent lack of joy.

[Kenyth]

This is starting to drive me mad!! Will someone PLEASE explain this one, because I'm obviously missing something!

 

Ok, I can see how *IF* the love was very real and the connection was great in the begining, then any problems along the way can be fixed with enough dedication and the rewards will be great. BUT, if the love was never that good to start with, how can you simply DECIDE to love someone and it'll be great?

 

If you can just DECIDE to love *anyone*, why don't all the single people simply go out, find the first single person of the opposite sex they bump into, and DECIDE to love them?!! WTF??!!!

 

Fill me in here PLEASE, I'm mystified!! I keep reading this "love is a decision" stuff and it MAKES NO SENSE!! Wanna do us all a huge favour? EXPLAIN!!!

 

I thank you.

 

 

If you consistently strive to be something and truly accept it as what you want, eventually you will become it. You have much more control of yourself and where you go in life than you think. You can do whatever you want to, as far as your potential and constraining circumstances will allow. The key is that you must decide you want to do it to begin with. You must accept that decision. You must surrender to it. You must commit to it. You must dedicate yourself to overcome all obstacles in your power to achieve it. Think of arranged marriages and why they work. In those societies, the marriage takes precidence over the exhilaration, excitement and lust. They DECIDE to have a marriage, and most of the time, they do.

 

Of course, this is all much easier said than done. Particularly for anyone lacking the self-discipline and tenacity for it.

 

 

The reason you just don't bump into anyone and decide to marry them is that everyone has DECIDED they have certian standards they want met. Looks, job, personality, family, vices, sexual habits, religion, strength, agility, health, etc. The dating process is all about discovery of the other person in depth. Throw in lust (AKA "chemistry") and there you have it.

 

Just like you DECIDE to have standards, you can DECIDE to modify or lower them depending on circumstances. The criteria we use to find our mates is very selfish and bigoted. It's supposed to be that way. That's why we find it hard to admit, even to ourselves, what we like. We cover all the unpleasantness of lust with cute euphemisms such as "chemistry". Lust is the biological filter we use to find the strongest possible mate. It can be overcome.

[OldEurope]

Because love is not a feeling, it is a decision.

 

 

THIS attitude is the deathknell, in Quakeanne's word, of marriage.

 

Love is not a "decision". You do not "decide" to go out in the morning and "decide" to find this or that woman and "decide" that this one with attributes a, b, and c will do, and then "decide" to heave on for so many years when this "decision" turns out to be an utterly passionless, disinterested, superficial, obligatory CHORE... And then there you are old man, just like poor Sisyphus, condemned for life to pushing that rock up and up and up the mountain side, only to have it come rolling and crashing back down on your head each time.

 

LOVE is not only a feeling, it is THE feeling--it is the fire of life, it is the lightening that strikes you in the heart as well as in the head; it is the source of creativity, the motor of the world, the force and energy to endure and go on in this vale of tears called life. Please stop this utterly boring business about "deciding" to love someone, as if Dante could just "decide" to love Laura or Boccacio could just "decide" on Beatrice. But then hey--I am in Italy!

[Becoming]

Though I so wish I could be in Florence where you are, OE, I think Kenyth is absolutely spot on. Sheer chemistry can be like a fire lit with newspapers--blazing high and bright for a little while but soon gone. Real passion is like a well-made fire, carefully made to last through the long, dark night. Sometimes it's blazing high with initial newspapers, sometimes burning steadily by tending to it and continualling adding new wood. Sometimes it's just smoldering and smoking, choking everyone in the room. Sometimes it's nothing but a few embers that blown upon and tended to can get the fire going once again. When it gets to the point where we're all just choking, we have to make the decision whether to tend to it or put it out and leave and make another fire elsewhere.

[Becoming]

NYCmitch25 wrote the following on another thread that has much to contribute here as well, so I've taken the liberty of quoting it here. (Don't know if that's kosher, but I'm not Jewish, so . . . ):

Relationships are like anything else, it's what you put into them that will determine (perhaps) what you get out of them. You could treat a relationship like fresh cut roses or freshly planted seeds. The fresh roses require little attention and dispite the best efforts will only wilt and die over time. Potted seeds require more attention but will grow and blossom as time goes on.

 

Like plants, love requires constant attention and care in order to develop. The wrong actions will poison or deny it a chance to grow. Furthermore to answer your question, some may consider marriage like fresh cut roses, I consider it more like planted seeds where the "gestures" need to continue in order to create a flourishing relationship. What you are seemingly arguing is that since the plants are emerging out of the ground, why continue to water them? In this light it can appear rhetorical but the point is just as important -- a piece of paper stating that you should be happy forever does very little to garentee it. However, many people live by this priciple, they put little into their relationships and consequently they simply worsen over time and thus they falsely assume it's "fresh roses wilting". They have been subconciously decieved, it's partly because they have become comfortable/secure/safe with their situation and neglect the neccessary steps to retain a healthy relationship. You speak of material things, and quite frankly if that is only how you show someone you love, perhaps you need to re-think this. The more thoughtful we are in our relationships the more we will get out of them.. hopefully.[/QUOTE]

 

In a word, dead cut flowers make marriage boring and joyless.

[JESSICA23]

I am new to this but Ireally need someone elses input besides my husband and I's family.. I have been with my husband since i was 16 THE ONLY PERSON I HAVE BEEN WITH and iam now 23.. two years ago he started to not take care of his self letting him self go and im not talking about gaining weight which he did but that didnt bother me.. he would go days without taking showers and just not care what he looked like... So i broke down and told him if you dont start taking care of your self FOR YOUR SELF and then for me than its not gonna work.. soo he changed for maybe 5 months. and he went back to his same ways... and IM SICK of it and i feel out of love with him.. Hes not the same person i married and i know people change but not they're Whole person and ways. I dont wanna make love to him i dont wanna be with him.. I have become attracted to someone else and and i finially told my husband that i dont love him and im not attracted to him in the way i should be and its not fair to him or me.. SO now he has done a total 360 degree change and now hes this different person and i cant trust that.. I AM SOO CONFUSED AND HURT>. i wanna feel love agian but not with him..

[Kenyth]

THIS attitude is the deathknell, in Quakeanne's word, of marriage.

 

Love is not a "decision". You do not "decide" to go out in the morning and "decide" to find this or that woman and "decide" that this one with attributes a, b, and c will do, and then "decide" to heave on for so many years when this "decision" turns out to be an utterly passionless, disinterested, superficial, obligatory CHORE... And then there you are old man, just like poor Sisyphus, condemned for life to pushing that rock up and up and up the mountain side, only to have it come rolling and crashing back down on your head each time.

 

LOVE is not only a feeling, it is THE feeling--it is the fire of life, it is the lightening that strikes you in the heart as well as in the head; it is the source of creativity, the motor of the world, the force and energy to endure and go on in this vale of tears called life. Please stop this utterly boring business about "deciding" to love someone, as if Dante could just "decide" to love Laura or Boccacio could just "decide" on Beatrice. But then hey--I am in Italy!

 

 

You are more of an artist. You don't necessarily want to analyze something. You want it to remain mysterious. To analyze your feelings, emotions, and the why of them would dull their lustre for you. You would probably find it tedious at best. I understand this. Minds that think along your lines probably have an entirly different way of explaining and thinking about abstract concepts like emotions and feelings.

 

You must also understand that I am of a more scientific mind. I feel compelled to analyze my feelings and the why of them. To understand them doesn't dull them for me at all. Everything has a why and a reason. The way it all fits together and runs is beautiful in it's entirety. For me, once you understand it, you have more control over it.

[Kenyth]

I am new to this but Ireally need someone elses input besides my husband and I's family.. I have been with my husband since i was 16 THE ONLY PERSON I HAVE BEEN WITH and iam now 23.. two years ago he started to not take care of his self letting him self go and im not talking about gaining weight which he did but that didnt bother me.. he would go days without taking showers and just not care what he looked like... So i broke down and told him if you dont start taking care of your self FOR YOUR SELF and then for me than its not gonna work.. soo he changed for maybe 5 months. and he went back to his same ways... and IM SICK of it and i feel out of love with him.. Hes not the same person i married and i know people change but not they're Whole person and ways. I dont wanna make love to him i dont wanna be with him.. I have become attracted to someone else and and i finially told my husband that i dont love him and im not attracted to him in the way i should be and its not fair to him or me.. SO now he has done a total 360 degree change and now hes this different person and i cant trust that.. I AM SOO CONFUSED AND HURT>. i wanna feel love agian but not with him..

 

 

Ummmmm........... if he's changed drastically and his self-image has gone to hell, he may be suffering from depression. Keep this in mind.

 

Anyway, try a little tough love. Wake him up! Say it straight up. Offend him a little.

 

 

 

When it becomes a problem, say it like this:

 

Sit next to him, sniff the air and say, "Go take a shower, you stink!".

 

Cover your nose and say, "Your breath is awful! Go brush!"

 

"Your hair is a mess, go comb it!"

 

"You need to shave. You look like a derelict!"

 

"You need a haircut. When are you getting one?"

 

"Your clothes look terrible! We're not going out with you looking like that! Go change into something clean that matches!"

 

 

Maybe he'll get pissed off and maybe he'll be embarrassed, but maybe that's exactly what he needs!

 

 

 

 

Also, make sure you practice what you preach!

[michaelk]

... two years ago he started to not take care of his self letting him self go and im not talking about gaining weight which he did but that didnt bother me.. he would go days without taking showers and just not care what he looked like...

Many men (and women) pay less attention to their appearance once they are in a stable long-term relationship. Your husband's neglect sounds extreme, though. As Kenyth suggested, he sounds like a depressed man.

 

Are his sleeping and eating habits normal? Is he generally unmotivated, not just regarding his appearance? In other words, has he lost interest in his work, hobbies, friends, etc?

 

If it seems like this goes beyond personal hygiene, he may need professional help. It can be hard to tell the difference between 'being down' and clinical depression. This is something a professional could do.

 

If it's only limited to his hygiene, and he doesn't seem otherwise depressed, then I think you need to make it clear to him how unacceptable his neglect is. He's disrespecting you by not at least bathing on a regular basis! If you're living with a person, especially your husband, you at least deserve for them to keep themselves clean.