dumpers actions

[sick of it]

have any of you dumpers thought the grass was greener somewhere else and then realized it wasnt and wanted to try with your ex again? how long were you with the other person before you had thoughts about it? and how did you end things with the ex before you left?

[riobikini]

For me, it wasn't about what was on the other side of the fence.

 

I had never even glanced to see if the grass was greener over there.

 

I had just done a very careful evaluation of our relationship and, seeing that it was riddled with things I couldn't live with, I decided to gradually slow down, check my feelings, and if the breakup were to happen, I would be in a better position to deal with it.

 

Breakups don't usually happen on the spur of the moment.

 

Especially if it's a woman doing the dumping.

 

We are much more introspective and take time look at different aspects of the relationship. We want to know what he's thinking, we imagine him in the role of husband, father and more.

 

As time progresses in the relationship, and the picture we hold in our imagination of him begins to break apart and peel back the real 'him', then we begin backtracking, re-evaluating.

 

Of particular note, is the fact that alot of women, (me, included), want to give more time to see if we are wrong about what is unfolding...we want to see if the new picture revealed can still be incorporated into our ideal.

 

We wait to see.

 

We may even ignore some of the problems to try and MAKE it work, anyway.

 

When it finally becomes apparent that the person we fell in love with is not the person we thought, we begin the 'retreat' phase.

 

We're not looking on the other side of the fence for greener grass...we are still fully focused on the relationship we're involved in. We're trying to make a graceful exit.

 

It still hurts us.

 

It involved alot of our time and possibly deep emotions. We do not free ourselves unscathed.

 

We often question our decision, especially when the breakup has happened and we're dealing with the lonliness. We may feel anger at ourselves for not being brighter in spotting the problems to begin with....and angry at him for not revealing them to us sooner.

 

We're just as screwed up emotionally being the dumper as he is being the dumpee.

 

We go through similar intense emotions.

 

We even share the need for time to heal us.

 

And at some point not that far away, we find a new love and we always try again.

 

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Tiny]

And at some point not that far away, we find a new love and we always try again.

 

-Rio

 

Yeah, and tbh that's usually before any of your other explanations in my experience, first women have an affair, then give you all the bs reasons they had it, and inevitably "we're" the reason, hmm. I guess without those "reasons" life would be harder to live eh.

[DellaKC]

I'm a woman and I WAS looking for the greener grass. My ex was too self absorbed and too into porn. I got bored with him more into himself than me. I found someone now who's totally into me so dumping my ex was the right move. It wasn't easy but it was the right thing!

[FredRock]

I want to know why women bring all this pain and heartbreak on then? You women think u love a guy so u blurt it out and then realize you dont know ****. Then we are stuck wondering what we did or how the girl who said she loved u and would never cheat could be such a traitor overnight. Have some heart ladies. I am sick of it.

[riobikini]

Again, speaking from my own experience....I have never cheated....never wanted to.

 

I have always loved the person I was involved with...that's what made it a 'we' thing...not a 'me' thing.

 

I do realize, from a physiological aspect, why it is that we sometimes think we're 'in love' without really being 'in love'.

 

Hormones.

 

Whenever we are attracted to someone, initially, certain hormones mass-produce, causing us to feel that particular state of euphoria associated with new love.

 

Those hormones can lie to us and cause our mood to be one of constant excitement and promote the 'in love' state of mind or feeling.

 

It's really not a bad thing...it draws us very close to our aprtner and causes us to explore aspects of the new relationship that are essential in getting to know a person.

 

But these hormones, more specifically, the way they make us feel, can cause us to 'forgive' bad behavior and overlook problems that may be difficult or impossible to live with as a couple later on down the road.

 

Hormone involvement in human relationships is a natural process that enhances the possibility and growth of lasting partnership.

 

During the attraction phase, hormones are very active and can cause overinflated feelings of attachment (ie "I need you", I can't live without you", etc)...but the second phase of attachment deepens the bond and as more is known about your partner, (habits, behavior, his/her way of viewing, dealing with, and processing information in and outside the relationship), you develop more of a secure, satisfying partnership that does not need the high does of euphoia experienced in the initial attraction phase.

 

The security you feel in such a relationship seems to satisfy your formerly fiery desires and replace them with a 'comfort zone'.

 

The third phase is simply the result of falling in love, having it all fall into place, smoothing out the rough edges and finding settling into that 'comfort zone' and becomes the lasting kind of relationship you hoped for when you first became attracted to each other.

 

To say there will not be problems is silly.

 

To say that the relationship will definately last forever is just plain absurd.

 

But if it lasts beyond the initial stages of mass hormones relaese, and survives the lessening of all the excitement in the second phase without 'falling out of love'...and can become the mature state of love found in the last phase, it has a good chance for survival for an undetermined amount of time.

 

Hope this helps, some.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

Sorry...took out the typos so it would make a little better sense.

 

Again, speaking from my own experience....I have never cheated....never wanted to.

 

I have always loved the person I was involved with...that's what made it a 'we' thing...not a 'me' thing.

 

I do realize, from a physiological aspect, why it is that we sometimes think we're 'in love' without really being 'in love'.

 

Hormones.

 

Whenever we are attracted to someone, initially, certain hormones mass-produce, causing us to feel that particular state of euphoria associated with new love.

 

Those hormones can lie to us and cause our mood to be one of constant excitement and promote the 'in love' state of mind or feeling.

 

It's really not a bad thing...it draws us very close to our partner and causes us to explore aspects of the new relationship that are essential in getting to know a person.

 

But these hormones, more specifically, the way they make us feel, can cause us to 'forgive' bad behavior and overlook problems that may be difficult or impossible to live with as a couple later on down the road.

 

Hormone involvement in human relationships is a natural process that enhances the possibility and growth of lasting partnership.

 

During the attraction phase, hormones are very active and can cause overinflated feelings of attachment (ie "I need you", I can't live without you", etc)...but the second phase of attachment deepens the bond, and as more is known about your partner, (habits, behavior, his/her way of viewing, dealing with, and processing information in and outside the relationship), you develop more of a secure, satisfying partnership that does not need the high doses of euphoria experienced in the initial attraction phase.

 

The security you feel in such a relationship seems to satisfy your formerly fiery desires and replace them with a 'comfort zone'.

 

The third phase is simply the result of falling in REAL love, -having it all fall into place, smoothing out the rough edges and finding settling into that 'comfort zone' and becomes the lasting kind of relationship you hoped for when you first became attracted to each other.

 

To say there will not be problems is silly.

 

To say that the relationship will definately last forever is just plain absurd.

 

But if it lasts beyond the initial stages of mass hormone release, and survives the lessening of all the excitement in the second phase without 'falling out of love'...it can become the mature state of love found in the last phase and has a good chance for survival for an undetermined amount of time.

 

Hope this helps, some.

 

-Rio

[Extra Truth]

For me, it wasn't about what was on the other side of the fence.

 

I had just done a very careful evaluation of our relationship and, seeing that it was riddled with things I couldn't live with, I decided to gradually slow down, check my feelings, and if the breakup were to happen, I would be in a better position to deal with it.

 

As time progresses in the relationship, and the picture we hold in our imagination of him begins to break apart and peel back the real 'him', then we begin backtracking, re-evaluating.

 

And at some point not that far away, we find a new love and we always try again.

-Rio

 

I have a few issues with Rio's post. I'm only using 'men' because I am one but please apply this to women too.

 

1/ There appears to be little tolerance for the possibility that men do wake up and realize what they've lost.

 

2/ There appears to be little compassion that men aren't raised to be open and oftentimes many of their neuroses (baggage) are converted into obstacles for the relationship that with proper nurturing and love can be worked out.

 

3/ There seems to be a ghastly willingness to 'give up' and throw away a relationship that could work, if only one last chance were offered.

 

4/ There appears to be a total loss of faith in the ideal of true love, that it isn't easy, that requires people to carry the relationship at different times.

 

My circumstance. I lied when I shouldn't have. I didn't nurture when I should have. I didn't really listen. Why? Because I feared total disclosure of who I was, even though I had been assured it was okay to do so. Why, because I was an immature man, and these are very afraid of female emotional maturity. It can be overwhelming. In my case, once I learned I could trust, I was overjoyed that I had found someone to share EVERYTHING with, who finally could be the partner I've been looking for my entire life, someone I could reveal everything to, and more importantly, someone who I could play with, care for, love, and embrace with my soul to make their soul feel loved. Unfortunately, I'm told that I'm 10 months too late. And I know she is probably received a lot of well intentioned 'break up, you thought this through, people don't change, he had his chance, move one' advice. There is no reason we wouldn't work out if we had that last chance.

 

I realize there is nothing I can do to make her love me again. She had the courage to say to my face she didn't love me anymore. That my happiness was not her responsbility, but I am sure as I am breathing, that I can love her the way she deserves to be loved. At this point, I take solace that her heart must not be big enough to provide that one last chance, but all I want to do is love her.

 

I welcome any thoughts about my lack of reality or otherwise. But for the record, I hope, because love is worth it.

 

J in LA

[riobikini]

J in LA...I hear your frustration.

 

I also hear your longing.

 

But after reading the info you gave, I can only answer you this way:

 

You will never be in control of another's decisions nor emotions.

 

You may be an influence of them, -but not in control.

 

Good news for you: you have the ability to make your own decisions, change your own way of thinking, and whatever else needs improvement in your life.

 

And you have great opportunity to put your beliefs about loving someone to use again with someone more compatible.

 

-Rio

[CaliGuy]

Rio, good post. I agree with what you said completely.