How to cope being disowned by parents?

[Freyja]

Hiya everyone,

 

I'm fairly new here, have replied to few posts but this is my first thread with my own probs!

 

Ok basically my parents are threathening to disown me and cut all family ties with me if I marry my fiance. I've been engaged to him for 2 years now(although my parents don't know that) and we've been together for nearly 4 yrs.

 

Basically they dislike him because he isn't from the same nationality as us, so they fear the backlash from their retarded community regarding interracial marriages.

 

Now I've decided I am gonna go ahead with my plan for my marriage with my fiance, I'm happy to be with him but still I am feeling so hurt deep inside because I feel rejected by my parents. My parents don;t think about my happiness, all they care is about what the community will say.

 

I know I'm doing the right thing, but how do i cope with no contact with my family? It hurts so much, I mean my most closest people are just disowning me.

 

I feel so upset, I wish they'd understand and bless me. Even if they don;t like it, sure disagree.. but at least respect my choice and accept it for my happiness.

 

Any advice on how to cope with this would help. Thanks.

 

Freyja

[bigbrowneyes]

Hey Freyja,

 

I understand your pain. I too was involved in an interracial relationship. My family knew I was dating M but I never let them meet him. We dated for more than a year when finally my mother made mention of the fact that she had not yet met this man. She figured the race issue out on her own. When I confirmed her beliefs, she was furious. She demanded that I stop seeing M immediately (and I was 38). I explained to her the M was important to me and I loved him very much. I tried to explain to her that my children were fine with the situation and that was really the only thing that mattered. So, my entire family disowned me.

 

This is year 7 without my family for Xmas...and this October I broke up with M. I feel very alone and my family is not here to help me through this difficult time...hence why I turned to LS for comfort. I've missed my family for many years and at times I think I felt resentful toward my fiance that I had to choose between the people I love most. Likewise, my fiance was hurt that my family couldn't accept him and this sometimes made him feel shameful or outright angry. I miss my family when I experience hardships and I miss them when I experience joy. I can't begin to explain the void I feel since my family turned their back on me. Although I'm no longer with M, my family refuses to forgive me for my decision and I will never have my family back. What's even more sad is that my children have no immediate family and as they grow older, they tell me how much they envy other families who are so close (and this will likely happen when you have children).

 

Basically, I'm saying that family is equally important as your fiance. Perhaps there is some way you can discuss this again with your family...maybe using a mutual friend to help with the process. If you decide to marry and your family does disown you, I strongly encourage you to meet with a counselor or join a support group to help you get through this. I also hope that your relationship is rock solid with your fiance since the decision you make will impact the rest of your life.

 

Best of luck with your situation.

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow BigBrownEyes - my heart goes out to you and your children. To be honest your family sounds fairly horrid - are you certain that their being a part of your life would be a good thing?

 

Freyja - This really depends on a lot of factors here. My family has been trying to pull the same garbage on me since I started seeing my current boyfriend who is of a different religion. They say things like "they want to be able to attend my wedding" etc. Just like you they are very afraid of what their friends/our community will say.

 

If that is truly their biggest problem I would be willing to bet that they will get over their current feelings. At least that's what I'm expecting to happen in my situation.

 

While I have never reached out to any of my parents' friends - I have found out, much to my surprise, that they are mostly on my side. When my parents bemoan the fact that I am dating out of the regligion they have been telling them to get over it. To be fair this may be due to the fact that I am an older single woman and most would just like to see me happy.

 

When my parents imply they won't be able to attend my wedding I simply tell them that's their choice.

 

The biggest difference for me is probably that I'm older and my parents have put me through so much that I have gotten to the point that I just don't care - but I'm sure I'm unique in those feelings - so I can't expect anyone else to understand that part.

 

Best of luck to you - I hope it all works out.

[sadveryverysad]

Stick within your own race! I'd disown you to! Thousands of years of your ancestral heritage and beauty washed down the drain.

[Freyja]

Hey Freyja,

 

I understand your pain. I too was involved in an interracial relationship. My family knew I was dating M but I never let them meet him. We dated for more than a year when finally my mother made mention of the fact that she had not yet met this man. She figured the race issue out on her own. When I confirmed her beliefs, she was furious. She demanded that I stop seeing M immediately (and I was 38). I explained to her the M was important to me and I loved him very much. I tried to explain to her that my children were fine with the situation and that was really the only thing that mattered. So, my entire family disowned me.

 

This is year 7 without my family for Xmas...and this October I broke up with M. I feel very alone and my family is not here to help me through this difficult time...hence why I turned to LS for comfort. I've missed my family for many years and at times I think I felt resentful toward my fiance that I had to choose between the people I love most. Likewise, my fiance was hurt that my family couldn't accept him and this sometimes made him feel shameful or outright angry. I miss my family when I experience hardships and I miss them when I experience joy. I can't begin to explain the void I feel since my family turned their back on me. Although I'm no longer with M, my family refuses to forgive me for my decision and I will never have my family back. What's even more sad is that my children have no immediate family and as they grow older, they tell me how much they envy other families who are so close (and this will likely happen when you have children).

 

Basically, I'm saying that family is equally important as your fiance. Perhaps there is some way you can discuss this again with your family...maybe using a mutual friend to help with the process. If you decide to marry and your family does disown you, I strongly encourage you to meet with a counselor or join a support group to help you get through this. I also hope that your relationship is rock solid with your fiance since the decision you make will impact the rest of your life.

 

Best of luck with your situation.

 

 

Thanks for your reply bigbrowneyes, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this! It must be painful, but you're being strong and I really hope things do change for better in future.

 

I am just totally depressed at the moment, I'm the youngest child so parents are even more critical and had high expectations for me and they jsut feel let down. But I feel so angry towards them because I haven't done anything wrong! I love this man, he loves me, and we've planned so much for our future, we've saved up money - both of us are prepared to take the next step happily but my parents are just putting so much pressure on me and its just causing stress for no reason. My fiance is wonderful and supportive and I know he's the right person for me. Now nobody knows what happens in the future, but for the time being I am very happy with him and we want to give our 100% to make this work. I'm sorry to hear you've parted ways with your partner, but I'm sure at the time you believed this was right and you did what you felt was best for your life.

 

You know, my parents aren;t bad people, I know they love me and I honestly believe after a yr or two they will come around it, but its just going through this hurdle of doing the wedding etc without them, its just so painful!

 

Btw its only my parents and my eldest bro who are disagreeing, all my siblings are happy for me but they don't really have much say in the family decisions. They have tried to help me, but my parents wont listen to them either. They just completely ignore it.

 

I have thought about going to a counsellor but I feel a bit weird about it, don't know if I'm ready for that.

[Freyja]

Wow BigBrownEyes - my heart goes out to you and your children. To be honest your family sounds fairly horrid - are you certain that their being a part of your life would be a good thing?

 

Freyja - This really depends on a lot of factors here. My family has been trying to pull the same garbage on me since I started seeing my current boyfriend who is of a different religion. They say things like "they want to be able to attend my wedding" etc. Just like you they are very afraid of what their friends/our community will say.

 

If that is truly their biggest problem I would be willing to bet that they will get over their current feelings. At least that's what I'm expecting to happen in my situation.

 

While I have never reached out to any of my parents' friends - I have found out, much to my surprise, that they are mostly on my side. When my parents bemoan the fact that I am dating out of the regligion they have been telling them to get over it. To be fair this may be due to the fact that I am an older single woman and most would just like to see me happy.

 

When my parents imply they won't be able to attend my wedding I simply tell them that's their choice.

 

The biggest difference for me is probably that I'm older and my parents have put me through so much that I have gotten to the point that I just don't care - but I'm sure I'm unique in those feelings - so I can't expect anyone else to understand that part.

 

Best of luck to you - I hope it all works out.

 

Thanks for your reply curiousnycgirl. I'm glad you're strong about your decision and I hope it works out well for you. I have so much hatred towards my parents right now cause of all the thigns theyre putting me through, like my mum is constantly crying about it and saying I'm going to bring shame to the family, its just a constant nag. However, even though I know theyre being totally weird and unjust with me, I feel sorry for them. So its a mixture all anger, hatred and sympathy towards them at the moment and it just makes me feel like, what on earth did I do to deserve this?

 

I spoke to mum again today and I've told her aswell they can either bless me and help me arrange the wedding or I am gonna leave home in two weeks time and make my own life. If they feel that I've brought any shame or dishonour to the family then its cause of their own views and theyve compelled me to take that step without their acceptance. I am no way going to be told its my fault and I've hurt my parents. They have hurt me, I'm the victim, not them.

[Freyja]

Stick within your own race! I'd disown you to! Thousands of years of your ancestral heritage and beauty washed down the drain.

 

How about mixing thousand years of ancestral heritage and beauty from many cultures/races? Don't you think that'll be far more better, more beautiful and advanced? Don't be so narrow minded. When I choose someone for myself, I want to have the option to choose anyone from any race, I can make a better choice then. Why shall I limit my choice to only my race? Thats ridiculous.