I think I'm going try and make it work ! ???

[phrekmon]

After 31 days my wife wants to make it work !

She came by to get the rest of her stuff and about 1/3 the way separating the Christmas stuff she wanted to go in the bedroom and talk (step daugter was getting her stuff)

She asked if there was anyway we could make us work, that she had made the biggest mistake of her life, she was sooooo sorry for what she had done, would do anything to try and reconcile, (did I still love her ?) she loves me and has been miserable, needs me. Everthing I needed her to say to me about 27 days ago. She said I was acting in different to her ,I told her that up to today she was lost as my wife. Remember ? You left ! You started this and I dont know if we can make it as husband and wife She would have to show me that she wanted it to work that her words didn't really me a lot at this point.

I told her no contact !! with the OM ! No I wouldnt pay her bills. We would date. I would still take my closet of an apartment and there would be more stipulations for her to do If she really wanted it to work.

She said I gotta get back I left dinner in the oven, I commented that I was hungry and could use a good meal. Thats when she told me she had to get the OM out of her house first !! aaarggghh ! I told her it could be her first thing to do "Anything to make it work" I told her to call me at 9:00 so this should be interesting. Anybody think I lost my mind ? ? I do miss her and I know I love her, I can at least try and work on forgiving her for the OM, I did know about him 12 years ago when we met,I also knew that she cared about him, just never knew how much,I guess I didn't meet her needs and she turned to him. Is this a workable thing ? Can I forgive her ? Can she be trusted again ? of be unfaithful again ?

It's actully easier to think of myself without her and go on. Do I want to put in all that I have to make it work ? Again ?

Oh well I'll post again after the Phone call, maybe I'll get dinner Dennis

[Scott S]

Anybody think I lost my mind ? ? I do miss her and I know I love her, I can at least try and work on forgiving her for the OM, I did know about him 12 years ago when we met,I also knew that she cared about him, just never knew how much,I guess I didn't meet her needs and she turned to him. Is this a workable thing ? Can I forgive her ? Can she be trusted again ? of be unfaithful again ?

 

You haven't lost your mind. Deep inside, you still love her. Love makes people do things that they may not otherwise do.

 

You can forgive her & make things work if the desire is there. No, likely it will not be easy. There are some large trust issues to overcome, amongst other things. Keeping communication open would be critical.

 

I strongly recommend couples counseling to help you work through these issues. They are too large to attempt on your own.

 

Good luck!

[phrekmon]

Well she called me at 9:00 last night when I asked her to, she had told the OM to get out and he left without incident, I went over to her house. We talked, she fed me dinner an I ended up with her in bed.

Some of the things that she agreed to : No contact whatsoever with OM, It will only take one time and I'm out of here, and I will be snooping(cell phone records/miles drivin etc...), I control all the money, I decide what bills get paid and when. She is the one to have to SHOW me she wants our marriage to work. She has to acount for every minute of everyday until I feel as though I can trust her just a little bit. She needs to take control of our daughter who is just running over Mom cause she feels guilty. And oh yes the councelling, She needs to go to someone just for herself as well as to a MC with me, I will continue seeing the shrink by myself for ME. She asked if I thought whether both of us trying to work on ourseves and working on us as a couple wiil work and make us "WE" again ? I told her I don't know if it will but we would never know unless we both put forth 100%, and we'd see where it brought us

 

Please give me some more guidelines that she must follow to help me trust her again.

 

I feel as though I have enough control of my life, to give my marriage this one last chance ( I didn't have the chance till now, because of the choices she had made) Funny thing is through all of this last night I never got all emotional and she was begging me to try one last time. I feel like the anger, deception, sadness all that she has brought does not go over the love that I feel for her. Can love win ? Like I told her "I can make it by myself, I dont need anyone to make me happy" not that I've been happy lately, but I know that I'm not afraid to go on without her in my life.

She seems truely remorseful and sorry for what she has done, 80% of the 5 hours I spent with her was her crying and telling me how bad she felt about what SHE had done.

Any I deas on how to deal with the community we live in ? I'm sure that I will be looked upon as a big Sucker but I do think that I owe her this last chance, she on the other hand will be looked on as a cheating whore, which hurts me as much as her because she still is my wife and I dont want people to dog her to much (even though she deserves it !) Either way its no ones business but ours.

 

Now my stepdaughter on the other hand is F***ing pissed at ME ! she seems to blame me for all of it and even likes the OM more than me, (she also needs councelling !!)

She ran away last night (safe at a classmates house) after my wife told her that OM is out and I'm back in the picture.

So I'm really confused how to handle this part, but I do see the councellor today maybe I'll get insight there.

 

Yesterday was just as bad as the day she told me she didn't want me or our marriage anymore if that makes any sense

OK then I'll keep you posted on the results thanks so much for listening. Dennis

[Scott S]

It does make sense. You both have been thorugh a lot, & the emotional toll of this is considerable. In terms of stress, the breakup of a marriage ranks as high as the death of a spouse.

 

I will offer some observations, since you asked.

 

First, I would not be concerned about what others ("the community") think at this time. Frankly, it's none of their business, & you have far more important matters clamouring for your attention.

 

Second, while I realize the need for her to regain (re-earn, if you will) trust, it may be advisable to avoid treating her like a convict. Monitoring her like she's on house arrest may prove counter-productive. While I'm not suggesting thay you pretend nothing happened, a less extreme, more balanced approach may be more conducive to the healing process. This would make great subject matter for a communications exercise, & I hope you address this in the counseling sessions.

[phrekmon]

Aloha All,

Well I am now dating my wife ! she's staying at her new apartment and I'm still in our old house, I have to make some kind of decision as to remain here, get another apartment or move in with her.

 

She has been more than remorseful since this past Sunday when she begged me to take her back, out of the apprx. 5-6 hours we have been spending together every day she spends 80% of that time crying about how bad she has hurt me and our marriage.

The lines of communication are better than they have ever been, she has opened up every aspect of her life to me, She WANTS me to check and see if she's telling me the truth, she say's she will never have anything to hide from me. There has been NC with OM since she told him to leave her house last Sunday, she gave me the cell phone that they had been sharing, I"ve talked to the OM's wife (she wants nothing to do with him) She agree's to councelling for herself and MC for us both.

I do believe that we can work through this and have a marriage that was stronger than ever, I told her that I have forgiven her for the affair but still cannot trust her, she cannot forgive herself though and I think it's taking a toll on her but I can't do anything for her she has to do it herself.

I really didn't think that she would come back let alone that I may completely take her back as my wife. anyways if I dont post for a while its because I've moved in with her and cannot get internet there yet . THANKS TO ALL HERE who have posted words of encouragement, their own story's to relate to, the hard knocks to help me see the picture it has all made me a better person no matter which way my marriage goes. thanks again, Dennis

[Scott S]

Well, this certainly is good news. I'm very happy for the both of you!

 

I realize you have your own emotional wounds now, but it appears she has considerable ones as well. You need to continue reaching out to her, show her that you do love her, & want to move forward in the relationship. Neither of you can change history, so both of you need to avoid dwelling on the past & what happened.

 

A new year is soon upon us. What better time to begin a new life together, don't you think?