Our 14 year marriage has become dysfunctional

[Essence]

Our marriage is dysfunctional, what to do…

 

I am 43 (male) and we have been married for 14 years, we have 2 children under 10, and we been monogamous for 22 years. We both work.

 

Prior to marriage we were typical love birds, lots of verbal communication, enjoyed time together, and made love at least once daily.

 

After marriage, the love making slowly decreased. I opened communication about the issue several times, over the years, let her know how this concerned and hurt me. She was always sorry and always agreed that she would work things out with me.

 

In the years after our first child, lovemaking dropped to once a week max, communication very much lessened.

 

After our second child (it’s been 5 years), lovemaking was once a month at best, communication was zilch.

 

During all this time, I would be the only one bringing up relationship concerns. If anything, I didn’t bring it up enough, but I was not badgering her about this to be sure. She would never have any reason to offer as to her lack of desire to have sex. 99% of the time it was “I just don’t need it like you”, or else it was she was too tired and busy due to kids and work. And it is not just the sex. She has become disinterested in anything related to romance. She stopped saying “I love you”, no kisses hello/goodbye, etc. It is like she is living with an acquaintance. She has the capacity to show love… she hugs, kisses, communicates, and cares deeply with our children, as do I. But with me, she is devoid of such expressions. She rarely outwardly shows anger or anything negative, but she shows no love. When I hold her hand on the couch, she usually gets up to get something. When I show affection in front of anyone else, like at a party, or wherever, she would find a reason to walk away, or just move away. If I were not trying to initiate love-making, we would probably never have sex again, and she would probably never bring it up. Most of the time if she were to respond to my attempts of initiating sex, she would just get me off orally or manually, and quite obviously try to get me to climax ASAP. And she regularly and obviously tries to be asleep before I can get to bed.

 

I told her we needed to go to a marriage counselor to fix things. She agreed. So, we started going three months ago. I tried to get her involved in the selection of the counselor; she did nothing though she said she would. We both are comfortable with the counselor I selected - she is experienced and well educated. My wife seems to like and respect her.

 

Some of the changes the counselor wanted us to do (our “homework”) were things that get us back in the habit of expressing feelings and spending time together. She said that we should be telling each other we love each other (we previously agreed in a session that we did love each other) and gave my wife the assignment of emailing me a note in the middle of the day saying so. After about two months, and after a session where the counselor again asked why my wife had not yet done such an easy and quick thing, my wife emailed "I Love You" to me the next day. The counselor said we should meet for lunch occasionally since we both work in the same town. I had been trying to do this with my wife for years, she is always too busy. After a big sigh when I asked my wife to set a date with me, she did so, she arrived a little late, and left rather quickly after eating. Since then, a [female] co-worker asked her out for lunch on her birthday, and my wife excitedly reports to me that a co-worker is taking her out for lunch – she was visibly thrilled about going out to lunch with her.

 

I am at the point now where I would like out. She hurts my feelings too much. How can I live with a wife that does not express any emotion for me? The problem, the kids. I love them dearly and do NOT want to put them through the many hardships of divorce. Hence, divorce is not an option.

 

Three months into counseling, and no improvement IMHO. I should probably seek counseling on helping me “cope” with this situation, as opposed to continuing down the curent marraige counseling path. At this point, I have resentment, and I think she doesn’t even turn me on sexually anymore, after so much coldness toward me. I am at a loss. What do I do?

[slubberdegullion]

Wow, man, I feel for you.

 

For some reason that I don't understand, women don't get the idea that turning down a man's attempt at intimacy - whether it's a hug or sex or wanting to discuss to improve a relationship - is like telling a woman she's fat and unappealling.

 

As I see it, she's not intentionally hurting your feelings, but her actions (or, rather, inactions) are causing you pain.

 

So, first things first. You're going to counselling, which is good. Is there anything you can do around the house that would help ease her burden a little? Many women have this emotional neediness that is often fulfilled by the most trivial things, like doing the dishes for her and whatnot.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd try that first, but not make any kind of deal about it. "No, honey, it's ok, I'll handle the kids/dishes/whatever tonight. I know you're tired, so just relax," followed up by a gentle kiss on her forehead.

 

It won't automatically fix the problem, and it certainly won't happen overnight, but combined with the rest of the work that both you and she are doing with the counsellor, it can only help.

 

I wish I had more to offer at this point, but alas, I don't.

 

Good luck.

[Mistaken Identity]

I am at the same point with my husband. I don't even sleep in the same room with him. Nothing drastic happened, I've just gotten tired of being his mother. Helping out around the house does help the relationship. But it may be too little too late. Can't you get your wife to tell you what's really going on?

[julieg]

i have been married for 10+ years and feel the same way as your wife. basically my desire for closeness has waned more and more every year. we also have young children and that in itself tends to really tire me out. i know the way i feel is not normal and i have really tried to pinpoint why things have gotten so far out of hand:

 

1. husband is not exciting to me sexually (very predictable), physically (body out of shape), or the way he dresses (boring). he refuses to take my hints that i find a very strong manly body very attractive. he always dresses either like he is going to work or like an old man (also very unattractive). i think guys who dress up to date but not trendy handsome. i am very visual and think i have an attractive figuire (i work at it too) i always take time to look my best no matter what.

 

2. works way too much (reason for not havig time to work on physique) not leaving time to be fun and spontaneous. on top of this will not take vacations and complains that i spend too much on basic things. ( we are quite comfortable financially so this makes no sense)

 

there are other issues but these are the big 2. basically i feel if he had a great body, was not uptight and liked to socialize and enjoy life more i would be ready and waiting!!!! hope this helps.

[Becoming]

Is she having an affair?

 

Have you said just what you posted in marriage counseling, and what happened if so? The counsellor confronted her behavior, and she met the letter of the law, but denied the spirit thereof, so to speak, huh? Has that been addressed with the counsellor?

 

I'd take your excellent post into marriage counselling, ask her point blank in there what's up and if she's having an affair and see what happens. At least you're in a safe place in there with a witness who can sort things out if they get dicey.

 

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. Not knowing her side of things makes it hard to give any advice. But honestly, unless things change, it looks like time and money is being wasted on marriage counselling.

 

Do you confront her with what you've shared here with us? Told her the pain her actions with you vs. co-worker at lunch have caused you? What happens as a result?

[Essence]

Is there anything you can do around the house that would help ease her burden a little? Many women have this emotional neediness that is often fulfilled by the most trivial things, like doing the dishes for her and whatnot.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd try that first, but not make any kind of deal about it. "No, honey, it's ok, I'll handle the kids/dishes/whatever tonight. I know you're tired, so just relax," followed up by a gentle kiss on her forehead.

This was brought up in counseling. It was something that my wife cited as a problem after the counselor dug it out of her. I admit that I did not do the amount of cooking, clothes washing, dish washing, etc. as her... far from it, but I always did contribute. After this came up the counselor said I should just step up and do the things that need to be done around the house, and I did contribute more. After a couple of months of doing this and not noticing changes in the way my wife expresses love, I also admit I made a conscience choice to back off on doing as many chores. I still do chores... I don't want my kids to think they live in a pig sty, so I'll put away dishes, load the dishwasher, do a couple loads of laundry, cook dinner, all of these a couple times a week. I guess my cutting back is due to my resentment.

 

I am at the same point with my husband. I don't even sleep in the same room with him. Nothing drastic happened, I've just gotten tired of being his mother. Helping out around the house does help the relationship. But it may be too little too late. Can't you get your wife to tell you what's really going on?

 

I have tried for years to get her to tell me what is going on, so no, I guess I can't get my wife to tell me. Going back over the years, during the times I initiated conversation (earlier, these conversations were only to try and deal with the declining sex), she only brought up two things, ever, all the other times she said she did not know, or just didn't need sex like me. The two things she mentioned, only once each over a span of years, were, (1) She was ashamed at her body because she is overweight, and (2) Wants more cuddling, kissing, and hugging instead of jumping into sex. Both are NOT the issue. As far as #1, we met in college, I fell in love with her when she was overweight. She was not very overweight and had cute face. In the back of my mind I would have appreciated it if she weighed less, but not once did I ever tell her to lose weight or tell her that she was overweight. And if that was the issue, why wouldn't she diet... she has never done so. And I have always wanted her sexually and found her body to do it for me. (Worth mentioning... she has gained a good deal of weight slowly over the years.) AS far as number two.... that was proven a non-issue rather quickly, as I made a point of attempting more cuddling etc., and she really never accepted by affection in that manner, and now more recently, she typically abruptly cuts-off any affection I try to give.

 

 

1. husband is not exciting to me sexually (very predictable), physically (body out of shape), or the way he dresses (boring). he refuses to take my hints that i find a very strong manly body very attractive. he always dresses either like he is going to work or like an old man (also very unattractive). i think guys who dress up to date but not trendy handsome. i am very visual and think i have an attractive figuire (i work at it too) i always take time to look my best no matter what.

 

2. works way too much (reason for not havig time to work on physique) not leaving time to be fun and spontaneous. on top of this will not take vacations and complains that i spend too much on basic things. ( we are quite comfortable financially so this makes no sense)

 

there are other issues but these are the big 2.

Can't say these apply to me. It was always me that was introducing new things and wanting to try new sex. New positions, or toys, whatever. Its so much fun (to me), and I figured maybe that can make it more fun for her. But it got to the point that when I would initiate having sex in anything other than guy-on-top, she would say "lets just do it like this" and rolled onto her back to have sex in the usual guy-on-top position.

 

I am not fat, I am pretty slim, but admitingly, I have some of the 40+ guy physical problems, but other than one of my triathelete friends, I am doing just fine physically, compared to my peers. The couple times I mentioned that I thought my belly might be getting too big, she disagreed. I can't say #2 is an issue either.

 

Is she having an affair?

 

Have you said just what you posted in marriage counseling, and what happened if so? The counsellor confronted her behavior, and she met the letter of the law, but denied the spirit thereof, so to speak, huh? Has that been addressed with the counsellor?

 

I'd take your excellent post into marriage counselling, ask her point blank in there what's up and if she's having an affair and see what happens. At least you're in a safe place in there with a witness who can sort things out if they get dicey.

 

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. Not knowing her side of things makes it hard to give any advice. But honestly, unless things change, it looks like time and money is being wasted on marriage counselling.

 

Do you confront her with what you've shared here with us? Told her the pain her actions with you vs. co-worker at lunch have caused you? What happens as a result?

 

She's not having an affair. I never suspected that, but in racking my brain I had to consider it. There is no such clue, she's far too predictable, she has no guilt, and no unaccounted for time. The question of having an affair was almost the very first thing the counselor brought up, it is part of her process. Not an issue.

 

I feel that after 3 months of counseling there would be something more, more signs of change. I think my wife has become so out of touch with herself she may not even know what is wrong.

 

Part of the "homework" was that we sit down once per day face to face and just talk about whatever we want, be it our relationship, the weather, whatever. It got so I was the only one initiating these sessions, and it has stopped in recent weeks, again, because I feel resentment. I have not relayed my feelings about her lunch yet.

 

 

I really wanted to change our relationship, thus the marriage counseling. I have a very hard time dealing with the liklihood that my sex life and romantic life are over, and that I am married to someone who likely doesn't love me, dispite her contention in the counselors office that she does. I was ready to just try and move on to the point were I had to accept that these parts of my life are gone forever, and I would need to find ways to cope with the reality and accept it. Perhaps I should relay just that in our next counseling session, that I am ready to give up on repair, and deal with reality, in a last ditch effort that promote some kind of change.

 

Thanks again for the insight, I appreciate it.

[Mz. Pixie]

She probably does still love you.

 

She just doesn't understand why sex is such a important need for you.

 

The issue here is resentment. She resents you not helping around the house so she decides to cut back on sex out of resentment. She's not feeling close to you emotionally- and if she's not feeling close to you emotionally she will not want to connect with you sexually.

 

You step up your efforts to help around the house. She probably feels like you were not doing it out of love or the sense of it being your responsibility too, but only to get more sex. Which in truth, is actually the fact because after a few weeks of this not working you slacked off.

 

Someone has to make the first move........do you think it will be her?? Someone has to learn to let the resentment go. The marriage didn't get this way overnight and no doubt it will not be fixed over night.

 

As far as her not wanting to kiss or be affectionate?? Could it be that she's conditioned to believe that every time you're affectionate with her you're going to want sex??

[julieg]

not connecting emotionally or physically for a while makes it harder to get back in the swing of things.

 

what works for me sometimes. he purposely will touch me (not sexual) lets say on the arm or shoulder when i least expect it and say something nice like

"you look foxy today" or "thanks for making that dinner you are a fantastic cook" then later we may be relaxing and he might just put his arm around me and again say something sweet. little intimate moments during the day get me a little bit each time more receptive to sex at the end of the day.

 

i sounds like she may be a bit depressed. i know if i feel ugly or down in general sex is the last thing on my mind. i think the more you isolate yourself you somehow reach a point of just not wanting to change the situation.

[Becoming]

I was going to say she sounded depressed, too.

 

Was she sexually abused sometime in her early life? When did she start putting on weight in her life?

 

She just sounds so numb and stoney. Something's wrong. Will she go to counselling alone to get in touch with her feelings?

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's frustrating as all get out to live with someone who could be a Stonehenge monolith.