A question for divorced men who were 'dumped'

[Hockeysticks]

I've just recently been dumped by a divorced man I was dating for 2 years. We started dating 4 months after his wife left him, and I was also a friend previous to their split (by email and met them both twice once). She left him and it came as a shock (7 yr marriage).

 

Although he said things started to drift before the divorce and was simply 2 people drifting apart, he says he can't get over her, even after 2 and half years. I believe him, but I just want to ask if you men out there can empathise with him - getting him to talk is hard, especially as he was the one had been left.

 

Unfortunately for me, I fell for him in a big way and he has been trying to keep me at arms length - difficult for me though. If he feels that I'm getting serious he brings the barriers down.

 

I didn't live with him, and when we started dating he wanted me to move in, which I declined because I knew it was too soon for him, and me. But after 6 months we split up once for a week but he got back again because he missed me. This time I picked a row over something (my jealousy of an ex-girlfriend who emails him) but it just brought up a load of emotions and he said he now wants us to do the same things as when we were dating, be his best friend, even gave me back his house keys when I gave them back to him (he must trust me then!).

 

Do you guys ever get over ex-wifes, and will it do me any good remaining 'best friends' with him? He knows I love him to pieces, and I'm getting mixed messages on the future.

 

Thanks in advance chaps.

[Scott S]

A divorce is a very difficult & traumatic event. Human words are woefully inadequate to describe the feelings. . To make matters worse, so many are quick to attach a stigma, making the divorcee a pariah of sorts.

 

The love & emotional attachment in a marriage is strong, as it should be. These feelings cannot simply be turned off like a light switch.

 

When the spouse leaves, there are strong feelings of loss, betrayal & rejection, along with continued feelings of love & emotional attachment. You can imagine the resulting conflict & turmoil inside.

 

A time interval of 4 months is a very short time to adjust, & as you can see, he has not completely adjusted. When my ex-w left, it was over 2 years before I even attempted dating again, much less attempting to form a love relationship.

 

There is certainly nothing wrong with being "best friends." It sounds like he needs all the friendship, understanding, & emotional support he can get.

 

Another thing - A long-lasting love relationship grows out of friendship. So be patient, & be there for him.

 

_____________________________________________________

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands you limes, make margaritas.

[dgiirl]

I agree with Scott. 4 months is not very long at all. I was an emotional basket case up till the 6th month. I'm going on 10 months of separation now, and only now i'm feeling indifferent toward my exh. I cant even imagine getting involved in anything too serious with someone else. It will be a while before I commit myself to another person.

 

If you really care about this guy, then be there as a friend. It might turn into something more, it might not tho. Becareful with your heart if you cant handle just being friends.

[slubberdegullion]

It took me well over a year to truly come to terms with the finalization of my divorce, so four months is, IMHO, probably not long enough.

 

As well, you don't want to find yourself as the "rebound" chick. So respect his space, be there to support him when he needs it, and allow your relationship to grow as his feelings about his divorce begin to subside.

[Hockeysticks]

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom - I will certainly try my best to be there for him as he really doesn't have much family to support him now (mother died 10 years ago, father moved country, close sister moved town!!). But, like you say, I have to look after my old heart too so I don't yo-yo (done that before, so I know how bad it can be). Sigh...