What happened?

[Effinoverit]

Hi all,

 

I first off want to say thank you to the regular posters here.

You guys helped me get over my ex just from the collective advise in the "coping" and "second chances" forums.

 

Now i need some more wisdom. I'll try to keep this as consise as possible.

 

I have a bestfriend of four years that i am confused about.

we have been together through alot over that time, on both ends and have always been there for each other when others wouldnt be. we have always been "everyday contact" type of friends, the type that spend a great deal of time together and say things like "you know, we should get married"---her words.

 

well i developed feelings for her over time. well i never did anything about it because at the time she had taken a cruise ship job and was leaving for 6-8 months.

 

well she came back and needed a place to stay and so she has been at my place since Sept. also she has no car so i am happy to drive her when i am available to.

 

One night 2 months ago we went out for drinks. and she told me she loves me and we ended up having sex. well afterwards i did everything in my power to keep her feeling comfortable around me and it worked! she still says how she loves it here. she still wanted to be just bestfriends though. so i chilled.

 

we havent done anything like that since, but she sometimes brings it up. sometimes she even gets jealous if i say anything about another girl.

 

now to the problem: she had recently came up with an idea that we should get a house and a dog together.

we even went house-looking together and she has told me about dreams she has had regarding this.

 

i wasnt comfortable with this and one day i told her. i tried to make her understand that that is a bf/gf thing to do and since we arent that...that i would be uncomfortable with that if she or i were to bring a date home. she agreed that it would be and said it was cool....i kissed her on the head and told her that she really does mean alot to me.

 

she hasnt been "cool" since.

 

she hasnt been home in 4 days (since that night), stopped calling me, wont come see me at work like she used to. and is just "polite" when i have gone to see her. so i havent called either and as of today am not going to visit her at all.

and i feel like i have made the biggest mistake in my life.

i do love her with all of my heart, and i want to "make up" so to speak, but i feel as though i am being treated as a boyfriend who screwed up, not as a bestfriend.

 

i thought she was coming home last night, and i was going to apologize and tell her that i will get a new place with her if thats what will make her happy. it hurts me deeply to not be with her like we were. but until she comes home, i am in limbo. i wont call her because i dont want to push.

 

to clear up any confusion, i havent told her everything about how i feel for her, but i think she knows. i have told her that i would date her if she ever wanted to, her response was "friendship has always been more important to me than having a boyfriend and i am still attracted to you, boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever..i know that we wouldnt ever break up if we dated."

 

thanks for reading this and any advise is welcome.

[JS17]

It sounds like she's afraid of losing you. To her, it's better for her to have you in her life as just a friend who will stick around than a boyfriend who will leave. If you feel this way and are willing to make a commitment to her then let her know that you don't plan on going anywhere. Personally, I've lost a number of good friends by turning them into boyfriends. When it ends, they're gone. Then the person who was there for you before you got together is just gone.

[Effinoverit]

Thank you for the response.

 

wish i had more of an update to share, but i still havent heard anything at all from her and she hasnt been home.

she cant stay gone forever though, all her stuff is here...hell, she even has space in my closet. lol.

 

i just hope that i do get a chance to work this out with her, i miss her like crazy and i dont want to end up resenting her.

[saltedfishY]

Okay, I´m trying to tell you why I would act like this girl...(please don´t be offended by my reply, as I don´t know you, I will just share my experience of similar and my friends)

 

POSSIBLE SOLUTION A) she sees you as an good friend and likes your attention, she might also love you but in brother/sister kind of way.

 

She says you should get married, date ect. but where is the passion?She has been close to you (physically at leats for months) and I could not stand to do that with person that I´m in love and able to "fullfill" the relationship.

 

I had a male friend who was in love with me for years (that I know of) and we allways talked how we should get married and desided that definitely after our first divorce we´ll get togehter and live happily ever after:) but the thing is that even if I had lot of respect for him and loved him in a way, he never made me forget the world or he never made feel so complitely in love that i would not mind if God would pick me up at the moment.

 

"""One night 2 months ago we went out for drinks. and she told me she loves me and we ended up having sex. well afterwards i did everything in my power to keep her feeling comfortable around me and it worked! she still says how she loves it here. she still wanted to be just bestfriends though. so i chilled."""

 

POSSIBLE SOLUTION B

reaction formation-beeing so scared of unknowledged feelings that you ego destroyes every possibility of them surfacing (my own explanation, not the correct term maybe)

 

give us details of the following morning moments and next night..? I think this could have been deal breaker moment. (This is coming from another point, don´t think the guy in my previous colunn). I have kind of been used before so even if I date a guy, fall in love ect. and we end up having sex,

 

I get so scared and i close myself so I am prepared to hear the "we shuold just stay as a friends line" next morning, kind of seeing every moment the guy does and for sure i don´t show any emotions first.I can even say we are better of as friends even if I´m complitely in love. Maybe she tought that you saw it as mistake?

 

"""we havent done anything like that since, but she sometimes brings it up"""too casual, not good...

 

"""now to the problem: she had recently came up with an idea that we should get a house and a dog together"

 

I could only imagine this in possibility A.

 

"......i kissed her on the head and told her that she really does mean alot to me...."

 

B...I hope you said "will you marry me"

 

"to clear up any confusion, i havent told her everything about how i feel for her, but i think she knows. i have told her that i would date her if she ever wanted to, her response was "friendship has always been more important to me than having a boyfriend and i am still attracted to you, boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever"

 

B....

 

So in either case, I think now you should take cool of period for few weeks. Can you travel to someplace. Just tell her that you´ll be gone for this time, and when you come back you´ll invite her to dinner.

 

Then you have nothing to loose, if the case is "possibility A" on her side, she will love you as a friend no matter what...and maybe even deeper and you are emotionally free afterward to find someone with her support

 

If it is a "possibility B" then you will get togerher and live happily ever after:)

 

Just give her these week now, don´t ask her to think things or anything just "upbeat note" see you in two weeks when I return.

[saltedfish]

Okay, I´m trying to tell you why I would act like this girl...(please don´t be offended by my reply, as I don´t know you, I will just share my experience of similar and my friends)

 

POSSIBLE SOLUTION A) she sees you as an good friend and likes your attention, she might also love you but in brother/sister kind of way.

 

She says you should get married, date ect. but where is the passion?She has been close to you (physically at leats for months) and I could not stand to do that with person that I´m in love and able to "fullfill" the relationship.

 

I had a male friend who was in love with me for years (that I know of) and we allways talked how we should get married and desided that definitely after our first divorce we´ll get togehter and live happily ever after:) but the thing is that even if I had lot of respect for him and loved him in a way, he never made me forget the world or he never made feel so complitely in love that i would not mind if God would pick me up at the moment.

 

"""One night 2 months ago we went out for drinks. and she told me she loves me and we ended up having sex. well afterwards i did everything in my power to keep her feeling comfortable around me and it worked! she still says how she loves it here. she still wanted to be just bestfriends though. so i chilled."""

 

POSSIBLE SOLUTION B

reaction formation-beeing so scared of unknowledged feelings that you ego destroyes every possibility of them surfacing (my own explanation, not the correct term maybe)

 

give us details of the following morning moments and next night..? I think this could have been deal breaker moment. (This is coming from another point, don´t think the guy in my previous colunn). I have kind of been used before so even if I date a guy, fall in love ect. and we end up having sex,

 

I get so scared and i close myself so I am prepared to hear the "we shuold just stay as a friends line" next morning, kind of seeing every moment the guy does and for sure i don´t show any emotions first.I can even say we are better of as friends even if I´m complitely in love. Maybe she tought that you saw it as mistake?

 

"""we havent done anything like that since, but she sometimes brings it up"""too casual, not good...

 

"""now to the problem: she had recently came up with an idea that we should get a house and a dog together"

 

I could only imagine this in possibility A.

 

"......i kissed her on the head and told her that she really does mean alot to me...."

 

B...I hope you said "will you marry me"

 

"to clear up any confusion, i havent told her everything about how i feel for her, but i think she knows. i have told her that i would date her if she ever wanted to, her response was "friendship has always been more important to me than having a boyfriend and i am still attracted to you, boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever"

 

B....

 

So in either case, I think now you should take cool of period for few weeks. Can you travel to someplace. Just tell her that you´ll be gone for this time, and when you come back you´ll invite her to dinner.

 

Then you have nothing to loose, if the case is "possibility A" on her side, she will love you as a friend no matter what...and maybe even deeper and you are emotionally free afterward to find someone with her support

 

If it is a "possibility B" then you will get togerher and live happily ever after:)

 

Just give her these week now, don´t ask her to think things or anything just "upbeat note" see you in two weeks when I return.

[Effinoverit]

well first i'll say the update.

 

she came over tonight (just to get her jacket cuz its cold out she said) but had to leave. so i called her soon afterwards and asked what was going on and if she was moving out. she said "i dont know, it hasnt been discussed, but i'll probably be gone the rest of this week, i dont know"

 

i then said well i wanted to know because i havent heard from her and was wondering...she said "well i found an apartment available in january...but i dont know what i am going to do til then or if i am moving or not. it hasnt been talked about---you couldve called me ya'know." (this doesnt suprise me because whenever we would hang out i would always end up having to decide what to do, lol)

 

i said okay. and asked her what her plans where for tomorrow night, she said she didnt know. i then said that i wanted to take her out to dinner tomorrow night so we can talk. she said okay and to pick her up when she gets off.

now i just gotta get everything i am going to say in order.

 

at least that is some news, beats sittin in limbo.

 

note to JS17s reply:

<It sounds like she's afraid of losing you. To her, it's better for her to have you in her life as just a friend who will stick around than a boyfriend who will leave.>

 

.... i wish she would say things like that, that she is afraid to lose me...friendship or otherwise. it would actually make me feel a whole lot better.

 

 

note to saltedfish's reply:

 

<B...I hope you said "will you marry me">

...nope i didnt, felt that might scare the hell outa her, was hard enough saying what i did say. i wanted to say more...i just choked.

 

<give us details of the following morning moments and next night..? I think this could have been deal breaker moment.>

...well, afterwards(i mean the same night directly afterwards) we went for a cig and she asked me if i enjoyed it, i said very much and that it couldnt have been better and i posed the same question to her, she agreed with me and said she was tired and went to bed.

unfortunately we slept separately.

 

the next day i got up and made her coffee and brought her something to eat (again i was trying to make her as comfortable as possible) and she seemed okay.

 

we talked about it for the next day or so and she told me that she was still attracted to me and said that if we ever did become bf/gf that we probably would never break up. ( i probably should have asked her to then)thats when i said to her that if she ever wanted to date me that i would be all for it.

 

i tried a week or so later to initiate some physical stuff, but she didnt go for it, i didnt get mad or anything, i just never tried since. and we have been just as though it hadnt ever happened for the most part cept for when she makes a fun comment about the fact that she has slept with me...ya too casual

[Effinoverit]

Well, heres the update:

 

We went to dinner an talked and I told her how i feel about her. she says that she doesnt see us getting together romantically...but she says that she can only speak for right now, that she doesnt know what the future holds....um ya, i'm not stupid enough to put stock in that, NEXT!

 

I said i was cool with that and she was supprised that i wasnt trying to convince her otherwise like other guys have done.

I told her that i am her best friend and i respect her decision and just really wanted to get it off of my chest...so true. i was actually relieved. i wasnt dissappointed becuase i really didnt expect anything.

 

i asked if she was moving back in or is she going to pick up her stuff....she again says she doesnt know but will probably be gone this christmas week....then see what happens.

she said she felt i needed some space to recoup.....(i didnt, i'm fine really.)

 

Okay new weird crap from then, well i called her 2 days after and she was cool at first but then acted cold like she didnt want to talk to me. okay. like an idiot i was still expecting us to remain bestfriends and go back to normal---doh!

 

then i called the next day (this is usual with us to call alot, she normally calls 4-5 times a day, or did til all this)

and it was worse.

 

We work for the same company but 2 buildings over from each other and i work directly with 2 of the people she stays with. well a friend of mine who works there told me some news...that she has had a boyfriend since about a month and a half ago...didnt know this, so now i feel stupid for saying how i feel...and pissed cuz she never told me beforehand, honesty is big with me.

 

friend said that she is in fact staying with my 2 work associates and her boyfriend, that she was just waiting on them to get their 3 bdr place(which they got just before she left) so she could move in. this friend told me that people were asking questions about our friendship and saying that it looked like it was more from her end--i.e she was coming to my work alot and we were going for lunch alot etc....(big frikkin deal! we are bestfriends).

 

Anyways i felt angry, betrayed, used and basically like she has thrown my friendship in the toilet to appease others.

 

So, i stopped all contact.

 

well she has since found me on my lunch to give me an X-mas gift...i was polite but stoic.

(note she couldnt do this in front of her roomies, had to find me alone last night). told me her work schedule for the next week, told me what her new years plans are(point? needless to say i wasnt doin much talkin). and her roomies have brought her name up directly to me 4 times so far, of which i changed topics.

tonight i just got a friend invite on my website from her, and a "Merry Christmas!" text.

 

i plan on finding a new job this week and leaving this one, honestly i dont feel comfortable there with her 2 roomates.

If she asks to hang out i plan on going and telling her what i have heard and exactly how i feel about it....i dont know, i just want to leave. money is short due to the 1st coming up. all i wanted was to be with her and if i couldnt, to go back to being as good of friends as we have always been.

[Effinoverit]

Okay so heres the news,

 

I talked to her about everything i had heard.

 

she says that yes she is dating a guy but she didnt want to tell me because she would feel weird discussing guys with me: (odd, she never had any problems doing that before in our friendship).

she also said she is just staying there for the time being and doesnt intend on moving her stuff in. Her reason: she asked me if i want to get a place with her like she had planned originally. (will take some time to do that, was planning on moving out anyways).

she apologized for not telling me sooner but again blamed it on the fact that she just feel weird telling me about her dating someone.

 

And she still says we are bestfriends, which im cool with.

 

Since then she has met up with me during my lunch at work a few times(last night she brought me food even) and has called. but it isnt as often it used to be. the wierd part is...we dont go anywhere (not that i ask) and if i ask her to call me she doesnt. and btw she now gets jealous if i even mention i went out anywhere like to a club or anything. i dont mention other women around her cuz i dont feel like sewing my head back on later.

 

now todays news.... i called her cuz i am off work, just out of boredom and i was going out of town for the day and wanted to chat on the way. got her vm so i left a message sayin to call me on her break, havent heard from her...needless to say i havent called again.

 

i dont get it, according to her we are still bestfriends, but im not seeing it. she acts more like a jealous ex than a friend and somehow i missed the relationship part.

[Lucasarts]

just talk more about all the hot girls you're meeting with at these clubs and stuff

 

that'll force her hand to keep you or lose you

 

either way it forces her to act and you're still gettin some action (cause you should be hooking up with those hot chicks at the clubs you're going to )

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hey. I read your entire thread and I have to reply. I am sorry to say this, but this girl is not for you. She doesn't appreciate you and she seems to be playing head games with you. She is using you as her back-drop guy.

I can tell you that right now she does not have romantic feelings for you but she doesn't know how to tell you this because she also wants the benefit of "friendship" in case her new BF/date doesn't work out.

I think you need to forget about her and allow your heart to heal. You also need to learn about yourself, know what you want in a girlfriend/future wife. Otherwise, your situation will not change. Build up your self-esteem and give yourself some love and respect. You sound like a nice guy. You know that you deserve to be treated with respect, too.

I am trying to get over a guy myself. What helps me is knowing this: sometimes, you have to let go of the person you love so that you can build up yourself and receive love.

Some people enjoy the "chase" but not the relationship. It seems like your girl is one of them. Stay away from her.

Good luck

[Effinoverit]

may not have to stay away from her really...although once i get a new job that isnt easy-access for her, i will feel alot better. got an interview this week so we will see.

 

now our friendship for lack of a better word doesnt exist.

we are merely acquaintances at work although she keeps finding me on my lunch to talk and calls me sometimes(only during the workweek--never on mutual days off). i'm starting not to care.

 

i have been so torn about this becuase i didnt want to loose the friendship even though i wanted more.

i was trying to find the lesser of the two evils- loosing her as my bestfriend or the constant torture of wanting more and not getting it....looks like fate has chosen for me.

 

i do agree that it very much looks like she is using me for a variety of reasons(place to store her stuff/back-drop guy for when bf/apartment doesnt pan out...etc).

the funniest thing when i think back is...when i did have a gf, this girl was almost like a second skin, now that im single its no dice.

 

heh Lucasarts, you got that right...i made it a point to speak of other women everytime i heard another guy come out of her mouth, needless to say she didnt take to hearin it as well as i did.