Militarul1877 Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 My wife admitted the infidelity that I suspected her after seven years. We had another child after she cheated on me four years ago and we live in a foreign country.What I should do .I cannot disappoint my kids . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Militarul1877 Posted March 17 Author Share Posted March 17 My wife admitted she has cheated on me after seven years even she knew I suspected from beginning. we have two kids together one is just four years old what should I do ? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 Why did she admit this after all these years? Are either of you happy or just together for the children? You could consult an attorney for information support and advice about your particular situation. You could suggest marriage counseling if you feel there's something worth saving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Militarul1877 Posted March 17 Author Share Posted March 17 She had admitted the affair as I had to much evidence , plus she start reach him out even we were overseas for seven years as it was the only option left to understand her behaviour, specially hiding her phone . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Militarul1877 Posted March 17 Author Share Posted March 17 Why would she have done another child with me after that affair?I know she is an narcissist person with childhood trauma , but I can go over that being together for over 17 years and having two children and leaving in a foreign country too. How I can go out from this situation without hearting my kids in the process? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 4 hours ago, Militarul1877 said: Why would she have done another child with me after that affair?I know she is an narcissist person with childhood trauma , but I can go over that being together for over 17 years and having two children and leaving in a foreign country too. How I can go out from this situation without hearting my kids in the process? I'm sorry this happened to you. To answer your questions, she would have had another child with you because you're her husband/partner and the two of you likely wanted another child. The affair really wouldn't be part of the equation for her. I think it's safe to say that having an affair requires a great deal of compartmentalising and this is what she would have done. Regarding avoiding hurting the children by leaving, with the exception of when one's parent's behaviour is so visibly toxic that the children breathe a sigh of relief and feel safer when they are gone, it's impossible to divorce without hurting them. However the damage can be limited if the two of you maintain a respectful coparenting agreement without acrimony. Also, unless she's been diagnosed by her own psychiatrist, I'd stop with the armchair diagnoses. Simply look at her behaviours and your own feelings and decide what you need to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Militarul1877 Posted March 17 Author Share Posted March 17 (edited) I am not trying to give her a diagnostic but when you are planning an affair while I am for just a month away overseas to prepare our future and you have planned for a year with your work colleague the affair and you end up doing sex with him and you can tell me after seven years that you would have want more but he did not want after the affair happened once as he was married too of course, when you move with me overseas and you hide your phone and continue to chase him to see what he is doing and have phone conversations behind my back till half year ago . When you tell me the truth after seven years and instead of get in close together your excuse is that I pushed her to do it , and instead of repairing the damage her escape is to go out in pub with girls as nothing happened and you just confessed and I need to stay home and look after the kids as I cannot tell you no as that means controlling and so much more situations. I have told her last year after confessing and keep being indifferent that there is a limit to everything and if she do not respect the boundaries it is the end and suddenly everything in the last six month changed. It is because of remorse or because of the need of stability and comfort? I am in a difficult situation with no way out . Edited March 17 by Militarul1877 Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 I think you already know the answer. She changed her behavior because you imposed consequences on her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 6 hours ago, Militarul1877 said: I am not trying to give her a diagnostic but.... Still sounds like you're trying to give her a diagnostic. A person can be selfish or compartmentalise without having a diagnosable mental illness. Do you want to stay or go? Have you tried couple's counselling to get greater understanding of what happened...how to rebuild...how to better understand each other? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 17 hours ago, Militarul1877 said: How I can go out from this situation without hearting my kids in the process? I am in a difficult situation with no way out . I think you are right, unfortunately, in the sense that although you feel your wife's behavior is unacceptable, there is no way to leave her without breaking up your family/impacting your children. If continuing in the relationship is distressing to you, it seems like you are faced with a difficult situation no matter what as "doing nothing" is actually a difficult choice (as would be choices to leave). This is not unusual, many if not most people face difficult/distressing choices if they are seriously considering leaving a marriage. It sounds like she doesn't have good methods for coping with distress/dissatisfaction. IF you decide to stay, you might consider asking her to attend marriage counseling. Sometimes it helps to have a counselor serve as a sort of "referee" for difficult discussions, such as getting her to acknowledge how her actions impacted you emotionally and how "time out with the girls" isn't helping fix anything in your marriage. IF you decide to leave, it would probably be wise to talk to a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see what the broad parameters of a divorce/child custody might be likely to look like in your country/jurisdiction. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 Let me see if I get this straight. You have been married for 17 years. About 7 years in, she had an affair. You then got transferred overseas. When she moved with you, she hid her phone. Eventually you & her had another child. Last year you learned about the affair & don't know what to do. You are particularly upset because after telling you she went out with her friends. Do I have the order / timeline straight? If that is true, that you just found out but the affair has been over for a while, what do you want to do? If she's been faithful for the last 10 years can you find it in your heart to move forward? If the affair is on going, that is a different story . Just end things. Your kids will be fine. They are not the only kids whose parents have gotten divorce. Don't put them in the middle but do what's best for them & you. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 On 3/17/2024 at 9:41 AM, Militarul1877 said: Why would she have done another child with me after that affair?I know she is an narcissist person with childhood trauma , but I can go over that being together for over 17 years and having two children and leaving in a foreign country too. How I can go out from this situation without hearting my kids in the process? Get the children DNA tested. you have a wife that has interests elsewhere. you will never have trust within your marriage. why do you stay with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Militarul1877 Posted March 18 Author Share Posted March 18 So , just to be clear , I came for a month in holiday to prepare everything for us in the country we currently leave in 2016.in that month when I have been here all the situation with her work colleague happened. i came back after a month resigned from army and came back here for another one month and half to prepare everything. I job , rent a house for all three of us everything we need as a family. After that month and half when everything ready my wife and my daughter came to . We had discussed about her work friend to stop anything that is or she may want to do but with no luck. so in that month and half she found the moment and she have slept with him . from 2016 when she came she was having a problem with her phone and when I was trying to talk with her about it she told me that I am helps and that is controlling .Our boy has been born here in 2020 as from 2016 we have not left the country only in holiday and always together. Now from this habit to keep her phone hide from me year after year , after a lot of discussion where I keep told her to tell about that work guy from 2016 , she have finally admitted the affair and some of the affair details. She said it only happened ones as he was married too so he was afraid not to have problems with his wife as she was jealous , plus she said even she want to continue with him he did not as he new she will gone a live anyway overseas with me . . Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 You would not be the first military person whose stay behind spouse cheated. I'm married to a Marine veteran. You guys are away doing dangerous things. You are busy & stressed. Those at home are lonely & worried. Granted this happened when you were getting out of the army but the years before that took its toll. At this point her indiscretion was 8 years ago. If she has been faithful since, as hurt as you are now, can you find it in your heart to forgive her? Do you want to? It's a new pain for you because you finally got your suspicions confirmed but it was a while ago. Would you both consider marriage counseling? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 Since you keep repeating the hurt and timeline you must be devastated. if you can’t get past the hurt then divorce her. Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Posted March 26 Share Posted March 26 No one can tell you what to do. You have two choices. Leave or try to rebuild your life together. This is different for each one of us. Link to post Share on other sites
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