Should I let go or try to get him back..my fault!!

[unicorn75]

Hello Everyone,

 

I am hoping that by someone reading this, I might get some honest opinions about what I should do in regards to my problem. I think sometimes when someone knows the problem at hand it can be easier to tell someone what they think they should do

 

Here goes:

 

I am 26 years old and am still married now for almost 6 years, I have a 5 year old daughter who basically kept our relationship from dissolving all these years. What I mean by that is before we had her we used to fight a lot. We would fight about who was in control and petty things like that. When my daughter was born all that stopped. We have been through a lot together these past 6 years, we have been through a fire, bankruptcy, robbery and things that make you appreciate your life. Well I guess you can say we had a close relationship, but then about 2 years ago I started a web design business that made me fall in the loop of not spending enough time with my husband and daughter. They would want to go out and of course I had work so I would always push them to the side.

 

Well about 3 months ago an old boyfriend whom I never really had a long relationship with, it was pretty much just a date or two, contacted me through that Classmates website. I responded and basically from there I slept with him the first time we hooked up again. The next day my husband knew something was wrong as he can pretty much read me at all times and asked what had happened, since I am not a good liar, I told him the truth and told him that we should separate because there was obviously a problem with our relationship if I had to go find love elsewhere. So he started packing up his things and toward the end of the night I told him I had lied, that I did not sleep with him. Now, why I did this if I already had the chance to end my marriage, I am not sure… perhaps it was because I was scared of being alone. Now, was not dependant on him, I worked and made okay money so that was not the issue, I think I just snapped and realized what was about to happen. We were really separating.

 

So he said he wanted to work things out and said that we had lost each other because we did not begin our relationship with God, so now I am thinking, oh oh, now he wants to bring God in the picture, and well I just always thought that you should not bring in God simply because you now need help. So he asked that we prayed and we did and at that point I had already started the divorce papers and after we prayed I went to my office and tore them up right in front of him. He was real happy and I thought okay now all I have to do is getting rid of this new guy……so I thought.

 

Well the new guy had a cell phone so I called to end things with him, I told him that this was not going to work for me and I was going to try to work things out with my husband.

He was really upset because he had already told his wife (oh and I forgot to mention that he also has 2 kids). That he was leaving her for me. I even spoke to his wife and told him that I was not going to have anything to do with her husband anymore because she had found out my cell phone # and was already calling me to cuss me out etc….

 

Well 2 weeks went by and we were pretty much back to normal, except the new guy emailed me to tell me that he really did always care for me and he had tried looking for me before but he could never find me until he found the classmates site he signed up as if he went to my high school and like a dummy I responded back. So like an idiot I told my husband that I was still not happy and wanted a divorce for real and so now he moved out to go live with his sister, took my daughter with him and is now the one filing for divorce. The new guy is living with me, he has no job, he has no car, he has court for a DWI that he got the night that I told him I wanted to break it off so I lent him $600 to take care of that and he is a past drug dealer. I know I am way over my head, but it has been 2 months and nothing has changed. On top of that his still wife is going to get him for child support so I can just see my bank account going on empty because of him.

 

So bottom-line is now I realized what I did. I lost my marriage in this whole transition of me thinking that I could be happier with someone else when in reality I already had a happy home. I was selfish and now am paying the price. I spoke to my ex today and we both cried because I admitted to him that I knew I had made a mistake but now had to put up with what I have built on myself. So my question to you is should I peruse getting back together with my husband since the divorce is not final yet and try to work things out meaning seeing a marriage counselor, talking and learning why I had to chase another man in the first place or should I just give up and be by myself? The new guy well I told him we need to be apart so I told him to leave my house and for us not too talk until I figure out what my plans are. Part of me wants to work things out with my husband but he might not even want me back after knowing that I have been with another man. I am so confused………….Please help

[Mistaken Identity]

Definitely dump the loser boyfriend. You're lucky he moved out. Don't let him back in no matter what he says!!! And, yes, get some marriage counseling. Counseling doesn't mean you're committed to staying married, it means you need to decide. Any counseling would probably help right now. What about your daughter? She needs her mom.

[Mistaken Identity]

I read your post again, and I felt had to comment further. I know you paid for the loser boyfriend's DWI because you felt like you were responsible for his drunkeness. This is a big mistake. You are being manipulated by this guy. Please stay away from him.

[unicorn75]

Yes, you are right! Well an update....

 

As of today

 

The new guy has left my life completely. I told him he should try to make something of himself and to take care of his kid's. I can't believe how much I lost from this 2 month experience, thinking that the grass was greener on the other end. He said he was going to go back to dope dealing which was like a huge red flag to me since this is what I gave up my family for. I feel so bad right now. I even thought of killing myself the other day, instead I cut myself on my arm with a knife. I know how stupid that sounds now, but when you are in the moment of depression, it's as though there is a daemon inside of you.

 

So, that part is over, so now how do I get my family back? I talked to my ex and he said that he would take me back if (big key word), if I could prove myself to be a respectful wife and show no signs of ever straying again. I will see him Thursday when I pick up my daughter. Does anyone have any suggestions of what nice things I can try to do to show how bad I want to be a family again? So far I decided that I am going to look for the marriage counseling and ask that he go with me. Then I thought when I see him on Thursday, maybe give him a card with a poem or something to the effect to show that I care. I really do love him even though I was selfish and only thought of myself, but now I realized that 6 years with someone is a lot and I can't just let that slip out for someone that wrecked my life. Any help is greatly appreciated.

[Mistaken Identity]

Good for you for getting rid of the other guy! I'm glad you didn't kill yourself. Think of how your daughter would have felt! I've heard that people hurt themselves when emotional pain is too hard to bear. Physical pain distracts from the emotional pain. That's why people bang their heads against walls or cut themselves.

 

I think one way you can show your husband you are serious about saving your marriage is to have an appointment scheduled with a counselor by the time you see your husband on Thursday.

 

But, remember, you were unfaithful for a reason. Try to find out why. Don't just hate yourself for it. Probably every one of us has been duped by a boyfriend or girlfriend at some point in our lives. Don't hate yourself for it. Use this experience to learn about yourself.

[sexysi]

Wow! I don't think it's often you see people who can be so honest with their feelings as you have in this post.

 

Okay, first off - A big slap on the back for recognizing being 'selfish' for realizing your mistakes and being able to admit them. That is the first step to sorting stuff out. The next step as Mistaken Identity mentions is understanding why you found yourself in this situation. We all do crazy, stupid things sometimes - although you've kinda taken it to the limit! If you don't learn to understand what the root cause of being unfaithful was then it's possible that it'll happen again. Something I noticed in what you wrote about your web business is that you "fell into the loop" of not spending enough time with hubby and kid - but I wonder whether you spending so much time with a personal endeavour is part of the effect not the cause of your situation. i.e. If your unhappy you seek other things in life to make you happy. But then, I could be wrong - there's nothing wrong with have a personal life and spending time doing something you enjoy.....within reason. Only you will know if you spent too much time away. Again, if you did - why?

 

If you've been married for six years and presumably dated for a while before then is the seven year itch? It's not uncommon, especially as your very young, to wonder about the grass being greener and wondering where your life is heading.

 

If you want my honest advice to sort things out with your husband:

 

1. No more fooling around. No one night stands - no flings, no online relationships with men or any of that nonsense. The last thing you need in your life right now is more complication - I know you'll feel lonely sometimes but don't make the same mistake again - and if you do then you obviously don't love your husband the way you think you do.

 

2. Honesty. It's going to be brutal and hurt both of you but when he asks questions - be as honest as you can. He will be on high alert, watching for lies, expecting you to hide things and he has a right to feel this way as you betrayed trust. The only way you can rebuild that is by being honest - even if it hurts. If he loves you, he'll get deal with it.

 

3. Go an see a counsellor. Just YOU! At least three sessions. Be completely honest. Then take your husband with you once you feel comfortable and once you have some answers (not all) as to why this happened.

 

4. Don't cut yourself. Please. It won't help you.

 

5. If and when things start to get sorted out between your husband and both of you feel comfortable - then give him lots and lots and lots of unselfish lovin! I promise that will help ease his pain...!

 

Good luck.....

[unicorn75]

Thank you so much sexysi for that last reply. You really made me think.

As of today, we (my husband and I) have spoken on the phone 4-5 times, our conversations are turning toward the better. I did something that I thought I could never do..I drove to my parent’s house Wednesday night and I told them everything. I told them how this whole time they thought that he was the bad one and in reality I was the bad one. My parents cried with me as I explained how this was really making me think about how I take care of myself and especially how I gave up the most important thing-my daughter.

 

My father said he knew something was not right, I was just too strong and had shown no emotions during the separation. He told me it was not too late and there was still hope, but I had to change. I agreed and since my parents are very spiritual they prayed for me and asked GOD to help me during this time.

 

I feel so much better now, because now I have accepted the fact that I did cheat and I also know the reason...the reason is because, my husband does not show me the attention that a wife deserves..don't get me wrong he is a good husband, but the problem that we have is that he is way too close to my daughter. When I say this, I mean as an example, she still sleeps with us in our bed and she is 5 years old-almost 6. I was always pushed to the side of the bed, meaning no love making:( When it did happen it was fast and meaningless because she was in the living room so we had to hurry up, he got pleased, but not me...

 

So, I think while I was doing my own business thing, I kind of stuck to myself, while they became very close. In a way I am even tempted to say I was a bit jealous. Is that wrong? I mean, I know it's my baby, but I would sometimes mention that we should go on a date or alone somewhere and he would always bring up the fact that he did not want to leave her alone. In 5 years we have left her at my mom's 2x..That’s it. We have had a total of about 4 dates alone and that includes company functions where you could not bring your children.

 

So when I met this new guy, yes it was great having 1 guy focus his attention on you and since I knew him from 8 years ago, I felt like maybe this was something that could have been. However, I never snapped from the fairytale fantasy that only was a dream in my head and I got so far as to losing my family.

 

I have already contacted a counselor whom we will see in the next 2 weeks and my father spoke to him which really helped me out because right now he needs to see that I try. My father told him to come over for Christmas, and he said he was not sure. I have my daughter right now so I am hoping he will come so I can ask for forgiveness in person. I really do love him and want this to work. I want my daughter to have both of her parents and for us not to just be together because of her, I would like to see us spend more time together and really listen to each other so our hearts don't have to wonder around. No more flirting for me, no more looking up past flames, I want to concentrate only on him and my daughter. Thanks....