Boyfriend going through divorce! Need guidance

[brave13]

Before you bash me and throw things via the internet at me listen to my situation. I have been with my bf for 3 months now... about the 2nd month i found out he is going through a divorce. I decided to stick it out bc in the state i am in you have to wait a year after the separation to get a divorce..its been about 11 months since they separated. We both really care about each other, and he is soo good to me so i decided to stick it out. They have a daughter, who is adorable and loves me. His wife was dating other people since the separation, I am the first he has dated. SHe called him and wanted to get back together a couple of weeks ago and it really affected him he says bc of the child and he married her bc of the child in the first place. I told him to be friends with her for the little girl and they should get along. I would even like to be friends with her one day. He says he wants to marry me one day and i believe him bc our love is very strong. It is just hard to deal with him being married still and her calling, even though i know I stuck my foot in my mouth by telling him they should be friends but it is the right thing! I just have to get used to it. Well i guess i need advice on should i leave this relationship or stick it out? He says im the best thing to ever happen to him..and he makes me feel like ive never felt but i cant help feeling guilty.

[Sami_D]

Hello brave. You might think about putting your question in the Other Woman section, because more people who have been in your situation might read it there.

 

There is someone posting at the moment in that section because her MM just filed for divorce, and is also asking about whether she should continue to be in contact with him during this difficult period.

 

You could also try reading the forums on gloryb.com.

 

Best of luck with everything.

[littlekitty]

Uggghhhh! The ultimate hard situation. Your not involved in the break-up of the marriage, but you're gonna be pulled into the after math.

 

I'm here too. In a sense. My partner was split from his baby mother (BM) for a couple of months (and longer in his head) when I met him.

 

Here I am 9 months later. She now has hold of my email details and is abusing me daily. I won't give in!! But I digress.... the issue I can relate to is that of the man feeling the pull of his child.

 

My partner has been honest that in the first few months of our relationship he did still have to ask himself a few times if he was doing the right thing by walking away, or if he could try to go back and make things work. Fortunately (for us ) he did stick to his guns, because the more he saw me, he realised how completely wrong they were together. How bad their relationship was and how much they argued. His family have told me he was a different man and had nothing left to give before he left.

 

Now he is happy, and he is able to give his son 100% everytime he sees him, which is every weekend without fail. His son is happier now he not in a unhappy/unhealthy living situation. The only unhappy person is the BM. But then she has other issues.

 

For us partners of men with children from a previous relationship, the tug on the heart that the child has is understandable. But we have to learn that it is not a tug on the heart for the baby's mother.

 

Of the course, the perfect situation would always be the perfect family unit. But if that unit isn't working, then sometimes it IS better for the children to have the partners split and be happy with someone else.

 

I believe his child gains more of him now than he did before in an unhappy household.

 

I think you have to accept that there will always be some sadness on his part that his 'family' didn't turn out like he expected. But if you make it through together maybe he'll start having a new and happier picture of his family... just like me and my partner.

[littlekitty]

I've just noticed the extra details in your almost duplicate post.. so I refute my own advice!!

[dgiirl]

Why would we throw things at you? Unless you played a role in the breakup of their marriage, noone has anything to throw at you Why feel guilty?

 

Who left who? I assume the wife left since she started dating before him. Unfortunately, because of the child, they will always have a relationship and you did the right thing in encouraging him to remain civil with his exw. However, her wanting to get back together could simply be jealousy on her part because he's starting to date. Maybe the reasons why she left blew up in her face and now she wants to go back. Without knowing the full details, this is just speculation.

 

All you have to worry about is if you are happy in the relationship and if he's happy in the relationship. From the sounds of it, you're not pressuring him to choose or trying to prevent him from seeing his child. Just keep being understanding.

 

Divorce is a very difficult thing to go through. Just keep your eyes open. He's probably experiecing a ton of emotions right now, and if I were you, I wouldnt expect a long term relationship just yet. That's not to say it wont happen, but it's going to take him a while before he's fully healed. Even if he wants to jump into marriage, I wouldnt do it just yet. You two dont need to be married to have a relationship, so what's the rush?

[EnigmaXOXO]

I told him to be friends with her for the little girl and they should get along. I would even like to be friends with her one day.

 

I think you did the adult thing, but I would caution you about the difference between being "friends" and being "friendly".

 

It's very important for the children that their biological parents (and you) maintain an amicable relationship and remain polite and considerate of each other. But the relationship between your boyfriend and his ex needs to be limited to the welfare of their children ONLY.

 

And while it might be idealistic to imagine that one day you and his ex-wife could become "friends" … it's not advisable to get so comfy with each other to the point where you are allowing her into your relationship and making her privy to your personal business. Nor should your boyfriend and his ex wife remain caught up in each other's private lives and continue confiding in each other. This will only leave your relationship vulnerable to outside meddling and interference, particularly if there is any lingering hope of a future reconciliation on either of their parts.

 

Hang in there, Brave, and try to give your new relationship the benefit of the doubt. However, remain cautious and alert regarding the motives of the woman on the other end of that phone and pay close attention to how your boyfriend responds and handles the situation. It will often reveal more about what a person is truly thinking and feeling than their words.

 

Meanwhile: YOU COUNT TOO! So in your effort to show your boyfriend how polite, patient and understanding you are, don't lose sight of yourself to the point where you are allowing anyone to take unfair advantage of your docility. It's okay to stand up for yourself (and your relationship) if/when that time comes, even if it means creating a few waves and putting the ex-wife off.

 

Good luck!

[smile95]

I dated a guy who I met while he was in the process. Be careful. He is right out of a marriage and mine said all the same stuff you say your is saying....it sounds nice and you are new and exciting and different. Just be careful. I got my heart broken. I waited 3 yrs for the div to be final and we are not even together now. he promised me the world and future and looking back, I should never have believed it coming from a man who was just out of a marriage. He did not know what he wanted. He clung to me and I mistook that for love. I wish you luck, but be careful! I cannot stress that enough. Something happens once he really is divorced. I have had many people tell me that once they are div, they want space to be alone. It was all great for us in the beginning....the beginning is always roses!

 

go slow and do not bank on anything....he may need space and you really are supposed to just understand that, although it is tough sometimes, it prob has nothing to do with you, but sometimes they get distant. Div is hard. maybe hang in there and take it one day at a time. But do not make the mistake I made and let him get away with too much. Ask questions!