Why can't they leave well enough alone?

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, he just doesn't want me to be happy and he thinks he can spoil it. It's stupid really.

 

He followed up with an email that said he wanted all of my ideas in writing, the costs, the addresses, everything. I was like, yeah, whatever- my proposal is coming in the form of a summons and didn't respond to the email. It's pointless to try to argue with him and it just makes me more angry.

 

I meet with the atty on Monday so wish me luck.

[littlekitty]

Well, he just doesn't want me to be happy and he thinks he can spoil it. It's stupid really.

 

He followed up with an email that said he wanted all of my ideas in writing, the costs, the addresses, everything. I was like, yeah, whatever- my proposal is coming in the form of a summons and didn't respond to the email. It's pointless to try to argue with him and it just makes me more angry.

 

I meet with the atty on Monday so wish me luck.

 

Good luck Mz. Pixie...!

 

Sorry he's being such a selfish twat in this! I think you'll remember my story! We're off the solicitors Thursday for our first meeting to legalise visitation.

[Mz. Pixie]

Good for you- your BF's son right??

[littlekitty]

Good for you- your BF's son right??

 

Yep, that's the one! I know everyone is behind us. We're not trying to be vindictive, just to get everything legally sorted!

 

I think you have every right to ask for a fair arrangement! Best wishes for Monday!

[Devildog]

Sorry, Pixie, but this is my thread, so I get to top your story

 

So get this, I was driving home from work yesterday morning, and the XW calls me. Small talk for a little bit, then asks if she can ask me a personal question. She asks if I am seeing anyone, well, actually she asked if I am sleeping with anyone. Uh, none of your business, thank you very much! So she then proceeds to ask me if I would like to go to dinner sometime. As in a date?!?!?! Goes on about how she misses her husband. (Gee, should have thought of that before you tossed said husband aside for a fling with jackass) "Uh, my schedule makes it difficult to do anything like that, sorry" was my response.

 

I know where it came from. Tuesday would have been our daughter's second birthday, so I am sure that has been weighing on her mind. And most likely that had her thinking about "us" and what not.

 

But still, WTF is she thinking? That after all the hurt and pain and misery she has inflicted upon me over the last year and a half, that she would get a second chance? After the betrayal, after the infidelity, after the attempted coupe de grace when I was at what I thought was my lowest point, does she really think for a second that I would let bye-gones be bye-gones, give her a blank slate? Forgive and forget? What she did was unforgiveable and unforgetable. What her parents did to me was unforgiveable and unforgetable. And I like my life now. I am back at finishing my degree, which I stopped at her request after our first daughter was born. I get to do the things I want to do. I get to watch the shows I want to watch.

 

And the most telling part, I asked if she gave any more thought to getting into individual counseling. Right back to the defensive, she doesn't need any help, she has done just fine with rebuilding her life on her own. Then why is she calling me and asking me out, missing her "husband"?

 

Top that Pixie!

[Ladyjane14]

I don't know D.... It may be your thread, but it looks like MzPix has the bigger dilemna. All you had to do was try not to laugh until AFTER you'd hung up the phone:lmao:

 

Seriously though, your ex is soooo not in touch with the reality of the situation....it really is kind of sad.

 

I wish I had some advice for you, Pix. I'm at a loss on that one. I can't help but think that it'd be better all around if you didn't have to take him back to court. But, damned if I know what else you might try.

[Mz. Pixie]

DD- well, good thing I hadn't had my breakfast!

 

What the heck is she thinking????

 

I know LJ- I don't want to go back to court. I've tried everything I can think of to get him to compromise and he just won't. He wants to punish me and in turn, it's punishing the kids. Sure wish he'd be a grownup!

 

At any rate, maybe it's just as well to get this over with right now, get to be the legal decision maker and then we won't have these issues later on.

[littlekitty]

For my part (not that I can offer much advice, simply support and good wishes) it's good to see both sides of the coin here in one thread:

 

A father trying to do the right thing and suffering at the hands of his ex

 

A mother trying to do the right thing, and suffering at the hand of her ex

 

Mz. Pixie - Seems like sometimes the legal route is the only one to take. It takes away some of the power from the person who's not playing ball. And like you mention, I suspect (and oh god I hope) it stops some of the issues that could arise in the future.

 

Devildog - Your story holds more hope that I can tell you! It's hard to be the gf of someone who has a physco ex who's still desperately trying every trick in the book to get him back. I'm glad to hear that you had been pushed to your limits, never to go back. My bf is in the same position and says the same thing, but it's good to hear someone else say the samething. *Does that make sense? Confirmation I guess!* What do these women think they will achieve? How on earth do they think you'll go back?! I have a feeling your exw and my bf's x are twins seperated at birth.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, but it's the route that I hate to take. I know that it will only get uglier as it goes on........

[Devildog]

The XW is still at it. Sunday night my daughter wanted to call and talk to me. So I talked to her for about 15-20 minutes. Then the XW gets on the phone. Starts talking about how she wants to move out of her parent's house and throws out the suggestion that maybe we should get a place together, that we could be one of those "odd couples who live together but are divorced." Uh yeah, I don't think that would work I told her.

 

Of course now I'm regretting a decision I made. Tuesday would have been our daughter's second birthday. I put a pink rose for every birthday on her grave, so two roses this year. I also give my XW a rose on that day, because irregardless of everything, she is still the mother of my children. why do I get the feeling I am going to regret that? Any predictions on the XW thinking that is some kind of signal or something? Is she going to take it as a sign of hope when there is none?

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I also give my XW a rose on that day, because irregardless of everything, she is still the mother of my children. why do I get the feeling I am going to regret that? Any predictions on the XW thinking that is some kind of signal or something? Is she going to take it as a sign of hope when there is none?

Oh my Lord, DD you are a saint. I think that is one of the most kindest, selfless compassionate things I've heard in a long time. No, I think you should have done it. But perhaps you can send her a note telling her why -- that way there will be nothing to interpret other than you are acknowledging that the day is a private and painful one for you both and you are offering her a sign of comfort as the mother of your children. And perhaps in doing so, this small action will help ease the tension between you both. Maybe it will bring out a softer side of her that you haven't seen in a long time.

[Devildog]

Well, I did the same thing last year. Apparently she had forgotten about that.

 

I don't foresee that as having any long term effects on the situation regarding her not being a bitch. It might get me a few weeks of peace and quiet, but soon enough it will be forgotten and she will be back to her old self again.

 

Funny how the truly wonderful, caring and compassionate things I did were always so quickly and easily forgoten, but the slightest "wrong things" I might have done were never let go of.

[Mz. Pixie]

The XW is still at it. Sunday night my daughter wanted to call and talk to me. So I talked to her for about 15-20 minutes. Then the XW gets on the phone. Starts talking about how she wants to move out of her parent's house and throws out the suggestion that maybe we should get a place together, that we could be one of those "odd couples who live together but are divorced." Uh yeah, I don't think that would work I told her.

 

Of course now I'm regretting a decision I made. Tuesday would have been our daughter's second birthday. I put a pink rose for every birthday on her grave, so two roses this year. I also give my XW a rose on that day, because irregardless of everything, she is still the mother of my children. why do I get the feeling I am going to regret that? Any predictions on the XW thinking that is some kind of signal or something? Is she going to take it as a sign of hope when there is none?

 

Oh gosh DD, you are such a doll.

 

I agree with Jen Jen. Send her a note and let her know why you did it so there won't be any mistake about it. I think it was beautiful of you to do that, and I would have been touched. I think it was a right thing to do- perhaps not flowers but yes, it was okay for you to signify that day as the mother of that child, because the child was yours. My exhusband doesn't even want to get me a gift from the kids WHEN THEY ASK HIM TO.

 

On the first part- about you guys getting a place together. Here's my thoughts on that- she wants to use you. Don't fall for it. She's tired of the way her life is- and she's looking around and doesn't have any good candidates to pick from and she's thinking, "Mmmm, there's DD over there and I know he would take care of me like before" It's not about her being regretful of her actions or sorry for what she did, make no mistake this is about her. You know that.

 

Tell her that ummmm no, you like your life the way it is.

 

On my end, I have to see an attorney in the state in which the divorce was filed to try and change the custody issues and make him agree to something. Fun Fun.

[brokenherz]

DD it is sweet of you to give her a flower (I’m so sorry about your loss) on that special day but you know her. Of course she has hope again. If you really want to help her don’t talk to her about anything but the children. She is a very confused and hurt woman. I know she is also very immature but she must have her reasons and eventually she will do something about it or grow out of the immaturity. (I read your previous story with her…) She can’t possible like herself and she will realize she doesn’t want to be that person anymore. Don’t you think or is she hurt and not smart?

 

Of course I feel sorry for you that you have to deal with her but you have to act smart and I have a feeling you still addicted to her BS. I believe if you emotionally distance yourself from her a little more than you do now, she will realize eventual that her games don’t work anymore. Maybe she even will act like a grown up.

 

She doesn’t have any friends that can talk to her about therapy?

[brokenherz]

I wonder if she is always the one that acts badly in your relationship with her. You definitely sound like the more mature one but doesn’t it take two to tango if a relationship doesn’t work out? I always hear from you what your ex did wrong. So where did you fail in this relationship?

[Curmudgeon]

have no expectations you can never be disappointed.

 

I have a toxic ex who severely alienated my two youngest daughters from me for 10 years. Two years ago the girls finally figured it out and we all ended up in court agai. My daughters andI won and now, 12 years from separation and divorce, the ex has moved 500 miles away and my daughters are still here.

 

It often just takes time for nature to run its course when you're dealing with a toxic ex. In my case it will all be completely over with next month when my youngest daughter turns 18. It's been well worth the wait. With luck I'll never again see or hear from the ex.

 

Don't lose hope. Keep to the visitation schedule in your settlement and just expect your ex to be inappropriate and controlling. One day it will all be over with. In the meantime, anger and upset are simply wasted emotional energy. The more you engage the ex the more power and control you give her over your emotions.

[Devildog]

DD it is sweet of you to give her a flower (I’m so sorry about your loss) on that special day but you know her. Of course she has hope again. If you really want to help her don’t talk to her about anything but the children. She is a very confused and hurt woman. I know she is also very immature but she must have her reasons and eventually she will do something about it or grow out of the immaturity. (I read your previous story with her…) She can’t possible like herself and she will realize she doesn’t want to be that person anymore. Don’t you think or is she hurt and not smart?

 

Of course I feel sorry for you that you have to deal with her but you have to act smart and I have a feeling you still addicted to her BS. I believe if you emotionally distance yourself from her a little more than you do now, she will realize eventual that her games don’t work anymore. Maybe she even will act like a grown up.

 

She doesn’t have any friends that can talk to her about therapy?

 

Wow, you read through all 25 pages of my original thread?

 

Well, I can't claim to be perfect. But to be honest, my XW has serious mental problems. Any one that is familiar with the situation could never figure out what my XW was thinking with what she did. Friends? that is another thing. She doesn't have long term friends. She never has really. People get tired of her crap after a short time. She even cost me a number of my friends. You don't think almost everyone who knows her has tried to get her to see a counsellor?

 

She has spent a lot of time running from guilt. I don't see her stopping and facing it anytime soon. And until she does, she will be this way.

 

I always hear from you what your ex did wrong. So where did you fail in this relationship?

 

You know, the first couple of posts in my original thread, I beat myself up really good about the situation. I put most of the blame on myself. Because she had me convinced I was this horrible, useless, worthless person. Even though I was trying to do everything I could to make a happy marriage and family. This is multiple psychology professionals saying there was nothing more I could have gave.

 

My XW is an emotional vampire. She drains everything she can from people. Either they get tired of it and stay away (like her only having short term friends) or she drains them dry and tosses them aside (like me).

[Curmudgeon]

It'

s like taking the oxygen away from a fire. It simply goes out.

 

What worked best with the ex was depersonalizing any contact and making contact rare. It gave her nothing to hang on to, nothing to feed her toxicity and absolutely drover her crazy(er).

 

Turned out she needed all the high drama and negative energy to feel alive and as if she had some purpose in her life.

 

I took it away.

[Devildog]

Curmudgeon, that is exactly how my XW is! I classify it as being an attention whore, she will do anything, good or bad, to get attention. She needs the drama, the sympathy, or just having people talk about her and notice her in some regard.

 

I do try to avoid her as much as possible. If it wasn't for my daughter I would never speak to her. But I have to deal with her because of that. I don't want to punish my daughter because my XW is like she is.

 

And even if I don't give her an outlet for her drama, she still uses that as some sort of justification for her decision, and still plays the victim.

[brokenherz]

Mmmhhh, I couldn’t find anything on multiple psychology on the Internet.

[Mz. Pixie]

DD-

 

I've always said that I thought your exwife suffered from a personality disorder. I still think that way.

[Devildog]

Mmmhhh, I couldn’t find anything on multiple psychology on the Internet.

 

As in several different professionals in the field of psychology.

[Devildog]

DD-

 

I've always said that I thought your exwife suffered from a personality disorder. I still think that way.

 

I'm not sure what her problem is, but I am sure it is hard to pronounce!

[Devildog]

So today is my oldest daughter's birthday. But it's not my weekend with her.

 

My XW had all kinds of plans for what she was going to do today for her birthday. That's fine. No problem. She told me what she had planned. One of which was to take my daughter to Chuck E. Cheese.

 

So this past Sunday I got a call from Ms. Spark asking if I wanted to get together to take our daughters to.... Chuck E. Cheese. Kinda ironic huh? So we did. Had a great time. Even left the extra tokens we had left so my XW didn't have to worry about getting them. No big deal I figured, my daughter is 4 (now), an extra trip to C.E.C won't have any reprecussions to the universal order and balance, right? Was I wrong.

 

It seems that my daughter no longer wants to go there for her birthday because she went there with Daddy and "Ms. Spark" for her birthday. (FTR, it wasn't for her birthday that we went, just because) Oh yeah, and to add fuel to the fire, my daughter spent the whole night after I dropped her off talking about "Ms. Spark" and how much fun she had with me and her. That didn't go over real well with the XW, she hates Ms. Spark and has never seen her or met her, just heard her voice a couple of times when she answered my cell phone when the XW called. It appears my daughter has got some serious button pushing abilities!

 

Did I get an earful on that. I did shut her down quickly enough by pointing out that it makes us even in one aspect. My XW and her "friend" (not the original "friend") took my daughter to her first hockey game. My XW hates hockey. I rarely got to even watch a game when we were married because she hated it. I love hockey. After pointing that out she got really mad and hung up on me!

 

So now the latest is that my daughter has almost no interest in doing anything with my XW for her birthday. Doesn't want to go see the movie, doesn't want to go pick out a toy. She is looking forward to going out to breakfast with me though! This wasn't my intention at all. I really didn't think there would be any problems from going to C.E.C on Sunday.

 

Now, before you all get ready to hammer away at me for taking my daughter somewhere when I knew my XW had plans to take her there, I have a reason for that. My XW makes all kinds of plans like this. I would never get to do anything with my daughter if I considered all her plans. I couldn't take her to see Narnia, couldn't take her to see Hoodwinked, the Zoo, etc.,etc. I managed to somehow sneak Wallace and Grommit under the radar on her before she made plans for that one.

[lindya]

It seems that my daughter no longer wants to go there for her birthday because she went there with Daddy and "Ms. Spark" for her birthday. (FTR, it wasn't for her birthday that we went, just because) Oh yeah, and to add fuel to the fire, my daughter spent the whole night after I dropped her off talking about "Ms. Spark" and how much fun she had with me and her. That didn't go over real well with the XW, she hates Ms. Spark and has never seen her or met her, just heard her voice a couple of times when she answered my cell phone when the XW called. It appears my daughter has got some serious button pushing abilities!

 

The ideal thing for your daughter would be that both of her parents would relate to eachother in an adult manner. It's not an ideal world, though, and I guess in times of stress and conflict people will often fall into the rebellious child/critical parent mode rather than the more constructive adult one.

 

My gut feeling here is that your ex wife's veering towards critical parent mode - whilst you're, on the face of it, in reasonable adult mode...but perhaps secretly enjoying your ex-wife's reaction to some of this...and therefore operating from more of a child-like perspective than you're admitting here.

 

Only you know the answer to that one...but probably on account of their vulnerability and reliance on adults, children tend to be absolute experts at picking up these dynamics and playing on them. For them, I guess it's exciting, distressing, confusing fun to be able to play adults off against eachother.

 

You can't force your ex-wife to adopt a reasonable stance here, but you can examine your own thoughts about this situation...and question yourself honestly about whether you're enjoying some of this conflict to the extent that you're less motivated to reduce it.