Why can't they leave well enough alone?

[Devildog]

My gut feeling here is that your ex wife's veering towards critical parent mode - whilst you're, on the face of it, in reasonable adult mode...but perhaps secretly enjoying your ex-wife's reaction to some of this...and therefore operating from more of a child-like perspective than you're admitting here.

 

Yeah, I get a kick out of it, for the simple reason that my XW swore that she had given the whole situation a great deal of thought and this was what she wanted and that it was in the best interest of our daughter and blah, blah, blah. What dumpee hasn't gotten that bit of satisfaction from seeing the dumper get jealous or regretful when the dumpee has moved on to better things?

 

Only you know the answer to that one...but probably on account of their vulnerability and reliance on adults, children tend to be absolute experts at picking up these dynamics and playing on them. For them, I guess it's exciting, distressing, confusing fun to be able to play adults off against eachother.

 

I think my daughter is doing this to some extent, but she isn't playing us off each other. She doesn't do it to me anyways. Maybe it's that I don't ask or question what she does when she is with my XW. Maybe if the XW doesn't like the answers she is getting she should stop asking questions like that.

 

You can't force your ex-wife to adopt a reasonable stance here, but you can examine your own thoughts about this situation...and question yourself honestly about whether you're enjoying some of this conflict to the extent that you're less motivated to reduce it.

 

Whether I attempt to or not, the XW creates conflict. I can just sit there and try to rearrange my entire life in the futile attempt to placate her. Or I can see the humor in her blowing up at her own creations.

 

Besides, ya know, I am evil and all.

[lindya]

Whether I attempt to or not, the XW creates conflict. I can just sit there and try to rearrange my entire life in the futile attempt to placate her. Or I can see the humor in her blowing up at her own creations.

 

Besides, ya know, I am evil and all.

 

I definitely wouldn't advocate going all out to placate her. That's just conflict avoidance, which never helps matters. Whether you placate her or lose your cool with her, it fuels her on some level. Consciously operating from the adult role whenever you deal with her will minimise whatever it is she's getting (emotional stimulation, most probably) out of these disagreements.

[Devildog]

I try to operate from the adult role in these interactions. But it seems like more often than not, she doesn't hear what I am saying unless it is being yelled followed by the click of the phone as I hang up.

 

If I try to be reasonable, it goes nowhere. Heck, I have to fight tooth and nail with her for things that are spelled out in the custody agreement. It has gotten close to the point of having to get the authorities involved for her to honor the agreement. I don't want to do that to my daughter, have the Sherrif's department show up when I pick up my daughter.

 

She is not a reasonable person, so being reasonable is an especially ineffective tactic when dealing with her. I can either give up and lose part of my relationship with my daughter, or I can beat my XW with her own game. Not at, but with. I choose the route that allows me to maintain my relationship with my daughter.

[Mz. Pixie]

Now, before you all get ready to hammer away at me for taking my daughter somewhere when I knew my XW had plans to take her there, I have a reason for that. My XW makes all kinds of plans like this. I would never get to do anything with my daughter if I considered all her plans. I couldn't take her to see Narnia, couldn't take her to see Hoodwinked, the Zoo, etc.,etc. I managed to somehow sneak Wallace and Grommit under the radar on her before she made plans for that one.

 

I'm not going to hammer you but I'm sure she sees this as "He KNEW I was going to take her to CC's and he went ahead and did it first just to piss me off". That's what is going through her head, even though you didn't do it for that reason I hope. She sees you as spoiling her treat.

 

Don't discuss your plans with her in advance so that she's not able to say "Oh I plan on taking her to do that on the ____th" She needs to know that her time is her time to plan what she wants to do and yours is yours. She should only schedule activities during her time, unless it's a special thing. For instance, I let my ex MIL come get my daughter this weekend to take her to a party, because I didn't want my daughter to miss out on the party and I already had something going on I couldn't cancel when they mentioned the party (last minute).

 

Besides, your daughter is four. At this point for her to say she doesn't want to do something is silly, because she may change her mind in 10 minutes. Sometimes they say things out of being tired. My daughter is four, so I know! They say all kinds of things like "I don't want cereal" and then five minutes later they do. Your exw shouldn't take all her comments to heart at this age. She may even say she doesn't like one of you to the other. It's just the age.

 

It shouldn't be a competition about who does what more anyway but it seems that she wants to turn it into one. What a shame she can't put that aside for her child.

[dgiirl]

Tisk tisk dd Although i think it might have been wrong for you to take your girl to C.E.C so close to her birthday, I also can appreciate the feeling of satisfaction you have at the moment. What's done is done, so no point worrying about that now. The only thing you can try to do is to be more mindful in the future. Like Mz. Pixie said, if you two dont discuss each others plans, then you wont run into these types of problems. Besides, your exw can still bring her to C.E.C. If it's a planned birthday party, maybe she can even get C.E.C himself to greet her happy birthday. Make it a little more special then just showing up.

[Devildog]

I'm starting to notice a pattern here with my daughter. Not sure why exactly, but she seems to like things better with me. She tells my XW all the time that she wants stuff like I have for her here. She insists on the same shampoo I use for her. My XW just got her a new booster seat, she wanted one like the one in my car.

 

Now I am not spoiling my child. Believe me, I don't have the money to do that! These are little things. But it seems like my daughter likes thing I have for her better.

 

I'm sure that doesn't sit well with my XW either.

[Ladyjane14]

It's like taking the oxygen away from a fire. It simply goes out.

 

What worked best with the ex was depersonalizing any contact and making contact rare. It gave her nothing to hang on to, nothing to feed her toxicity and absolutely drover her crazy(er).

 

Turned out she needed all the high drama and negative energy to feel alive and as if she had some purpose in her life.

 

I took it away.

 

This sounds like pretty good advice to me, DD. You fed the beast when you took your little girl to CC's knowing that the Ex was going to do the same.

 

I know why you did it. But you've got to stop giving in to that urge....because you're giving her what she wants....additional DRAMA. Nothing good can come of it. You've got 'a long row to hoe' before your daughter is grown.

 

How are things going with Miss Spark, btw.? Does she still have you in the "just friends" catagory? Have you been dating or just 'hanging out'?

 

Have you met any other interesting women? ....Or been out on any other dates?