I would like to know what you think

[Flowerpower]

Hi, yesterday was my birthday. I’m in my 30s and my bf is 44. We’ve been dating for about a year and a half. This was the first official time celebrating my birthday together. Since my last birthday we were new at dating. I decided to spend the day with my family and have dinner with him. Our relationship has been a struggle / I say that because we argue often. We’re actually in therapy too. Which some would say, is too early for that. Anyways - there’s a few things here .. apparently he didn’t get me a present. He didn’t end up getting me flowers or not even a cupcake. He did get my 4 cards each with saying a little something, along with pictures of us and he made dinner reservations. Mind you - the night before he suggested we go run errands so he can pick up my birthday card but after expressing how I felt like that was weird, like choosing my own card. We didn’t. So I’m already not feeling special and like it’s low effort. But I was willing to look past that. And make the best of it. Then when coming back home we were looking over the pictures he took and I make a comment mentioning why does he have to zoom in on my face so much. He knows I don’t like pictures and it’s been an argument before. But to me, it was a no big comment that was about me. So - I knew immediately that upset him and basically we got into this huge argument. I’m crying, feeling anxious, not believing he can’t put this aside for my birthday. Basically ends up yelling at me, telling me he’s done taking pictures, not even worth it, and just goes in a rant complaining about me and just making me feel like s***. And again - just not believing this is how he’s choosing to end my night. I basically have no words, I call my friend. She gives me the pep talk that any good friend would give. I, of  course don’t follow her advice. I spend the night on his couch and well now here I am. She basically thinks I should dump him .. and I’m torn because I’ve attached myself to this guy. What do you guys think? 
Thank you! 
sorry for any typos and all over the place story. I’m still on his couch (the next morning) I could hear him snoring in his room. I’m thinking of going home now. And I can already predict not hearing from him because we’ve been here before and this is our pattern. But I just can’t believe on my birthday! Our first time celebrating it, too 

Edited March 17 by Flowerpower

[Wiseman2]

Happy birthday. Sorry this is happening. You seem quite incompatible and you both seem very difficult to please.

Unfortunately you've gotten into a who's right who's wrong power struggle using emotional weapons and blackmail.

It's hard to understand why you're already in couples therapy unless one of you is hoping to change the other. 

Please step back, take a deep breath and consider if you're in the right relationship or with the right person.

Do either of you have excessive baggage from the past? There seems to be a tsunami of hurts being blamed on each other. 

[Acacia98]

It sounds like the four cards and the pictures and the dinner were his thoughtful birthday gift to you.

About the pictures... I get that you feel self-conscious. But I think he feels you are beautiful and, hence, likes to focus on you/your face. Maybe he was trying to show you how beautiful you are if you truly look at yourself minus your self-criticism? 

Anyway, if you genuinely don't have the capacity to appreciate his efforts and he doesn't have the capacity to get you gifts that won't provoke your anger, perhaps you're mismatched?

Edited March 17 by Acacia98

[happyhorizons]

Sorry to say but this sounds very toxic........Belated Happy Birthday

[Alpacalia]

Not to minimize your feelings but if you're considering breaking up with your boyfriend because he didn't get you flowers or a gift for your birthday, then it doesn't sound like a very strong relationship to begin with. How he responded to your comment about the pictures. Wasn't quite nice for your boyfriend to yell at you because you suggested he took too many pictures of your face when he knows you don't like it. I take it you're not feeling appreciated and valued by your boyfriend, and that's definitely not a good sign. How much of it have you put effort into appreciating and valuing him? It goes both ways.

Think about whether this is the kind of dynamic you want in a relationship. Do you feel loved, supported, and valued on a regular basis? Are you able to communicate effectively without getting into arguments? It doesn't sound like that's happening in yours.

[Foxhall]

He quite probably should have made more effort with the present- for instance he is lucky here to have a younger woman and accordingly should show his appreciation,

the only thing Id say is that buying expensive jewellery or the likes is of little benefit to the relationship if the chemistry and so on is still lacking,

one could argue the cards gesture was nice and thoughtful and why is there a need for more luxurious gifts,

you argue often- you are going to need to find a way to air issues discuss problems rationally and then see if you have enough common ground to continue,

If hes proving argumentative a lot- maybe hes not the right partner for you.

Do you mind me asking are you bothered by the age gap? ( slightly selfish motivation with this question!)

 

 

 

Edited March 17 by Foxhall

[ShyViolet]

If you have so many problems and argue so much that you're in couples therapy, at a year and a half of dating, then you're with the wrong person.  This relationship is not going to last.  Stop wasting any more time with this guy who is not right for you.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Flowerpower said:

Hi, yesterday was my birthday. I’m in my 30s and my bf is 44. We’ve been dating for about a year and a half. This was the first official time celebrating my birthday together. Since my last birthday we were new at dating. I decided to spend the day with my family and have dinner with him. Our relationship has been a struggle / I say that because we argue often. We’re actually in therapy too. Which some would say, is too early for that. Anyways - there’s a few things here .. apparently he didn’t get me a present. He didn’t end up getting me flowers or not even a cupcake. He did get my 4 cards each with saying a little something, along with pictures of us and he made dinner reservations. Mind you - the night before he suggested we go run errands so he can pick up my birthday card but after expressing how I felt like that was weird, like choosing my own card. We didn’t. So I’m already not feeling special and like it’s low effort. But I was willing to look past that. And make the best of it. Then when coming back home we were looking over the pictures he took and I make a comment mentioning why does he have to zoom in on my face so much. He knows I don’t like pictures and it’s been an argument before. But to me, it was a no big comment that was about me. So - I knew immediately that upset him and basically we got into this huge argument. I’m crying, feeling anxious, not believing he can’t put this aside for my birthday. Basically ends up yelling at me, telling me he’s done taking pictures, not even worth it, and just goes in a rant complaining about me and just making me feel like s***. And again - just not believing this is how he’s choosing to end my night. I basically have no words, I call my friend. She gives me the pep talk that any good friend would give. I, of  course don’t follow her advice. I spend the night on his couch and well now here I am. She basically thinks I should dump him .. and I’m torn because I’ve attached myself to this guy. What do you guys think? 
Thank you! 
sorry for any typos and all over the place story. I’m still on his couch (the next morning) I could hear him snoring in his room. I’m thinking of going home now. And I can already predict not hearing from him because we’ve been here before and this is our pattern. But I just can’t believe on my birthday! Our first time celebrating it, too 

To me, it seems that you initially overreacted and perhaps misunderstood his intentions. The cards and the dinner were the birthday presents in his mind. I understand you didn’t consider those good presents, but not everyone is good at choosing appropriate gifts. It’s the thought that matters, right?

Also, to him, taking your photos and zooming in on your face is probably a way to express his appreciation of your beauty and his feelings for you. I understand that you don’t like it, but it’s always possible to make a sensible compromise in such matters.

In short, these are very small issues that could have been easily solved without any fighting. And there I stop defending your boyfriend. He shouldn’t have yelled at you. Not on your birthday, not ever. When that happened, he should have apologized to you and comforted you as soon as possible. Instead, he prolonged the fight, kept complaining, went to sleep while leaving you in distress. 

He definitely should show some remorse for that behavior. If you choose to forgive him, you both should learn to stop fighting over nothing. There is enough real hurt and suffering in this world for us to start being offended by presents or photos.

 

[d0nnivain]

I am a firm believer that on early holidays you need to make your expectations clear.   You wanted a present & for him to make a fuss. Your BF did nice things for you:  4 cards, a photo & dinner.  If you wanted more than that he needed a better clearer heads up.  

You are entitled to not like pictures of yourself but here you would have been better served getting over yourself & simply saying thank you for the photo.  While you were letting your insecurities about how you look show, your BF took your comments a criticism of him & lack of appreciation for what effort he did show.  He felt that you were rejecting his gift and him.  Yes it was your birthday but he got hurt, then overreacted.  You responded badly to that &  now here you are. 

I don't support the idea that  you have been dating 1.5 year but are already in couples therapy.  IMO if a dating relationship needs that much help, it's not worth pursing.  

[stillafool]

I think he considered taking you out for a birthday dinner and the cards were your present.  If you are upset why stay on his couch all night calling your friend instead of going home to your house?  He may feel this was the last straw and you may not hear from him.

Edited March 18 by stillafool

[MsJayne]

I say listen to your friend, she cares about you. Arguing a lot and going for counselling this early in a relationship is a bad sign. Take care of your own emotional well-being first, you're not getting what you need from this person. 

[Flowerpower]

On 3/17/2024 at 11:51 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Happy birthday. Sorry this is happening. You seem quite incompatible and you both seem very difficult to please.

Unfortunately you've gotten into a who's right who's wrong power struggle using emotional weapons and blackmail.

It's hard to understand why you're already in couples therapy unless one of you is hoping to change the other. 

Please step back, take a deep breath and consider if you're in the right relationship or with the right person.

Do either of you have excessive baggage from the past? There seems to be a tsunami of hurts being blamed on each other. 

Thank you. New to this website and not sure how to reply. Hope this works. I appreciate your input, honesty and advice. Definitely taking the advice of taking a step back, trying to take a deep breath, reflecting and considering what's best for me. I have yet to hear from him   

Don't we all have baggage? 

[Flowerpower]

On 3/17/2024 at 11:52 AM, Acacia98 said:

It sounds like the four cards and the pictures and the dinner were his thoughtful birthday gift to you.

About the pictures... I get that you feel self-conscious. But I think he feels you are beautiful and, hence, likes to focus on you/your face. Maybe he was trying to show you how beautiful you are if you truly look at yourself minus your self-criticism? 

Anyway, if you genuinely don't have the capacity to appreciate his efforts and he doesn't have the capacity to get you gifts that won't provoke your anger, perhaps you're mismatched?

Thanks for your input. I'm willing to take accountability and move on. Regarding the pictures - yeah, maybe you're right. My thinking is - why not make it a safe space? Why choose to argue with me, which then makes me cry and feel like s*** and ruining my birthday. I knew he as upset, so I asked him can we put a pin on it and talk about it tomorrow and carry on with our evening. Talk about it tomorrow. But he made a choice. 

Yeah - maybe we are mismatched. But I do want to make it work. He's making it challenging, since he has yet to reach out. He doesn't know how I feel about his efforts with my birthday before the argument. I'm more than happy to appreciate what he did do. But, I can't do that with the way he ended up treating me. And, im still feeling torn. 

[Flowerpower]

On 3/17/2024 at 11:53 AM, happyhorizons said:

Sorry to say but this sounds very toxic........Belated Happy Birthday

Thank you  

[Flowerpower]

On 3/17/2024 at 12:27 PM, Alpacalia said:

Not to minimize your feelings but if you're considering breaking up with your boyfriend because he didn't get you flowers or a gift for your birthday, then it doesn't sound like a very strong relationship to begin with. How he responded to your comment about the pictures. Wasn't quite nice for your boyfriend to yell at you because you suggested he took too many pictures of your face when he knows you don't like it. I take it you're not feeling appreciated and valued by your boyfriend, and that's definitely not a good sign. How much of it have you put effort into appreciating and valuing him? It goes both ways.

Think about whether this is the kind of dynamic you want in a relationship. Do you feel loved, supported, and valued on a regular basis? Are you able to communicate effectively without getting into arguments? It doesn't sound like that's happening in yours.

Thanks for your insight. No - not at all was I considering breaking up with him because of that. Definitely goes both ways. 

and you're right, those things aren't happening in this relationship  

And I don't know if this is sad, but I would have actually forgiven him. But he has yet to reach out ...

[Flowerpower]

On 3/17/2024 at 3:09 PM, Foxhall said:

He quite probably should have made more effort with the present- for instance he is lucky here to have a younger woman and accordingly should show his appreciation,

the only thing Id say is that buying expensive jewellery or the likes is of little benefit to the relationship if the chemistry and so on is still lacking,

one could argue the cards gesture was nice and thoughtful and why is there a need for more luxurious gifts,

you argue often- you are going to need to find a way to air issues discuss problems rationally and then see if you have enough common ground to continue,

If hes proving argumentative a lot- maybe hes not the right partner for you.

Do you mind me asking are you bothered by the age gap? ( slightly selfish motivation with this question!)

 

 

 

Thanks for your reply. Totally agree regarding presents. 

I don't want to break up and im willing to forgive and move on. BUT he has yet to reach out, just as I predicted. I've been thinking about it and maybe he feels hurt too ... but it wasn't his birthday that I ruined. I didn't make him cry, didn't yell at him, he didn't check on me and didn't care if I slept on the couch. I waited until 2pm the next day to talk to him but he continued to sleep in late. 

If he doesn't feel bad at all for what he did, then I don't want to be with someone like that. 

About the age gap - we're 10 years apart. This is my first time dating someone with such an age gap. I was a little hesitant when I was dating but we have enough common ground and it doesn't bother me. 

[Flowerpower]

On 3/17/2024 at 5:10 PM, ShyViolet said:

If you have so many problems and argue so much that you're in couples therapy, at a year and a half of dating, then you're with the wrong person.  This relationship is not going to last.  Stop wasting any more time with this guy who is not right for you.

Thanks for replying  sounds like that's the reality im not wanting to accept. He has yet to reach out ... which definitely makes me think, I don't want to be with somebody that can treat me like that ever but especially on my birthday and then not reach out for 48hours now and probably won't for the rest of the week

[Flowerpower]

On 3/17/2024 at 6:25 PM, Gebidozo said:

To me, it seems that you initially overreacted and perhaps misunderstood his intentions. The cards and the dinner were the birthday presents in his mind. I understand you didn’t consider those good presents, but not everyone is good at choosing appropriate gifts. It’s the thought that matters, right?

Also, to him, taking your photos and zooming in on your face is probably a way to express his appreciation of your beauty and his feelings for you. I understand that you don’t like it, but it’s always possible to make a sensible compromise in such matters.

In short, these are very small issues that could have been easily solved without any fighting. And there I stop defending your boyfriend. He shouldn’t have yelled at you. Not on your birthday, not ever. When that happened, he should have apologized to you and comforted you as soon as possible. Instead, he prolonged the fight, kept complaining, went to sleep while leaving you in distress. 

He definitely should show some remorse for that behavior. If you choose to forgive him, you both should learn to stop fighting over nothing. There is enough real hurt and suffering in this world for us to start being offended by presents or photos.

 

I agree to your point about the gifts. He doesn't know that's how I feel. I actually want him to know that I do appreciate it BUT I can't do that when he ended up treating me like that. 

and I agree with you again, with your second point. I still don't think his reaction was appropriate. It doesn't make me feel safe. It doesn't make me more comfortable with pictures. If that's a goal. 

 

Absolutely! I think that's what drives me more crazy, its over the dumbest / smallest things.  "There is enough real hurt and suffering in this world for us to start being offended by presents or photos." 1000000% I wish he could think like that too because that's how I look at things. 

Thank you. And what you described is all I ask for. I'm willing to be accountable for my doing too. That's the thing, I was / am willing to forgive and move on. He has yet to reach out, just as I predicted. He probably will keep this up too. And as much as I don't want to end things / i don't want to be with somebody that could treat me like that and then not reach out. 

And I've also tried thinking in a way of .. maybe he's hurt too. But I didn't disrespect him on his birthday out of all days .. 

[Gebidozo]

12 minutes ago, Flowerpower said:

I agree to your point about the gifts. He doesn't know that's how I feel. I actually want him to know that I do appreciate it BUT I can't do that when he ended up treating me like that. 

and I agree with you again, with your second point. I still don't think his reaction was appropriate. It doesn't make me feel safe. It doesn't make me more comfortable with pictures. If that's a goal. 

 

Absolutely! I think that's what drives me more crazy, its over the dumbest / smallest things.  "There is enough real hurt and suffering in this world for us to start being offended by presents or photos." 1000000% I wish he could think like that too because that's how I look at things. 

Thank you. And what you described is all I ask for. I'm willing to be accountable for my doing too. That's the thing, I was / am willing to forgive and move on. He has yet to reach out, just as I predicted. He probably will keep this up too. And as much as I don't want to end things / i don't want to be with somebody that could treat me like that and then not reach out. 

And I've also tried thinking in a way of .. maybe he's hurt too. But I didn't disrespect him on his birthday out of all days .. 

But don’t you see that you’re doing to him now exactly what he did to you, and what you hated so much?
 

He didn’t show enough gratitude - now you aren’t showing it either, even though you do appreciate his good intentions with the gifts. He got mad and just left you to yourself - now you got mad and just left him to himself. He’s being stubborn - now you’re being stubborn.

When will it ever end? Look, as a man, I’m totally fine with the idea that men should be the first to reach out and console their partners. But being magnanimous and forgiving aren’t just good male qualities, they are good qualities for any gender. So he didn’t reach out to you. Why keep score? Life is too short for such resentments. If you want to reconcile with him, just do it. What if you making that first step will touch his heart, melt his insecurities, urge him to start working on himself and become a more mature, better person?

Edited March 19 by Gebidozo

[Flowerpower]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

I think he considered taking you out for a birthday dinner and the cards were your present.  If you are upset why stay on his couch all night calling your friend instead of going home to your house?  He may feel this was the last straw and you may not hear from him.

Damn - you might be right. Didn't think of that because I still have hope. This probably was his last straw and I actually still haven't heard from him and probably will continue not to  

Yes, I have considered that. Thats why I haven't told him how I felt about the gifts, I wasn't upset about that. I was heartbroken that he could talk to me like that and not be sorry on my birthday. I stepped outside to call my friend for support. I went back in the house in hopes that we would be sorry and want to repair. It was basically midnight, I was drained, I didn't want to drive under those conditions. 

[Flowerpower]

41 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

But don’t you see that you’re doing to him now exactly what he did to you, and what you hated so much?
 

He didn’t show enough gratitude - now you aren’t showing it either, even though you do appreciate his good intentions with the gifts. He got mad and just left you to yourself - now you got mad and just left him to himself. He’s being stubborn - now you’re being stubborn.

When will it ever end? Look, as a man, I’m totally fine with the idea that men should be the first to reach out and console their partners. But being magnanimous and forgiving aren’t just good male qualities, they are good qualities for any gender. So he didn’t reach out to you. Why keep score? Life is too short for such resentments. If you want to reconcile with him, just do it. What if you making that first step will touch his heart, melt his insecurities, urge him to start working on himself and become a more mature, better person?

I guess I don't/didn't see it like that. I look at it as having dignity? Respect for myself? After feeling disrespected by him on my birthday. 

And I would say he got more than just mad? He crossed a line. 

Usually when I mess up, I feel like s*** about it and am quick to apologize and want to kiss and make up. 

Sigh - I want the cycle to end. It always takes him more than a day to get over things. Although the space we're having no feels different. 

And of course, there's other details like: im anxious and he's more avoidant. within the 1.5 years of dating, he's already ended things twice. He can be an a**h*** and although im not perfect, im just not an a**h***. I think what he did was messed up. 

I don't want to keep score. I waited until 2pm the next day to see if he wanted to talk but he continued sleeping. and as much I want to talk to him, I don't want to tell someone how to love me. I mean, he knows my needs and boundaries / one of them is not to be held at. Yes - ppl get and and raise they're voices but idk ...

I wish me reaching out would do that .. but I don't believe it would go down that way. Because I have been the one to reach out first, and his replies are never ones I want to hear. 

You've made me think ... but I feel like its not as simple as that unfortunately. 

 

 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Flowerpower said:

I've been thinking about it and maybe he feels hurt too ... but it wasn't his birthday that I ruined. I didn't make him cry, didn't yell at him, he didn't check on me and didn't care if I slept on the couch. I waited until 2pm the next day to talk to him but he continued to sleep in late. 

If he doesn't feel bad at all for what he did, then I don't want to be with someone like that. 

And this is where I say you should listen to your instincts and end this relationship. The inability to understand that the photos would make you feel self-conscious despite the previous feedback you gave and the yelling at you and sulking by someone who isn't a six-year-old kid: it would still be an issue if you were not dating and it was not your birthday. 

I think you're sticking around because of the person you hope he can be, not because of the person he actually is. Please stop. 

[Gebidozo]

3 minutes ago, Flowerpower said:

I guess I don't/didn't see it like that. I look at it as having dignity? Respect for myself? After feeling disrespected by him on my birthday. 

And I would say he got more than just mad? He crossed a line. 

Usually when I mess up, I feel like s*** about it and am quick to apologize and want to kiss and make up. 

Sigh - I want the cycle to end. It always takes him more than a day to get over things. Although the space we're having no feels different. 

And of course, there's other details like: im anxious and he's more avoidant. within the 1.5 years of dating, he's already ended things twice. He can be an a**h*** and although im not perfect, im just not an a**h***. I think what he did was messed up. 

I don't want to keep score. I waited until 2pm the next day to see if he wanted to talk but he continued sleeping. and as much I want to talk to him, I don't want to tell someone how to love me. I mean, he knows my needs and boundaries / one of them is not to be held at. Yes - ppl get and and raise they're voices but idk ...

I wish me reaching out would do that .. but I don't believe it would go down that way. Because I have been the one to reach out first, and his replies are never ones I want to hear. 

You've made me think ... but I feel like its not as simple as that unfortunately. 

 

 

Oh, in that case, you might really want to consider breaking up with him. I didn’t know that you were always the one to reach out, and that he never truly apologized or tried to comfort you before.

The worst thing, however, is that he already tried to break up with you twice within less than two years. This is really not a good sign…

[Alpacalia]

Usually when people feel let down over something which on the outside seems trivial like a birth date thing, there has been a long build up to that already involving other disappointments or hurts. I think that this was just maybe the straw that broke the camel's back? I think you have to try and take a step back for a moment and ask yourself: do I feel listened to, respected, seen and celebrated for who I am? 

There is clearly a lot going on in this relationship. A relationship should make you feel happy and fulfilled, not anxious and constantly fighting. Your friend seems to think that you should dump him, and maybe it's worth considering if you would be happier without the constant arguments and hurt.

[happyhorizons]

42 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Usually when people feel let down over something which on the outside seems trivial like a birth date thing, there has been a long build up to that already involving other disappointments or hurts. I think that this was just maybe the straw that broke the camel's back? I think you have to try and take a step back for a moment and ask yourself: do I feel listened to, respected, seen and celebrated for who I am? 

There is clearly a lot going on in this relationship. A relationship should make you feel happy and fulfilled, not anxious and constantly fighting. Your friend seems to think that you should dump him, and maybe it's worth considering if you would be happier without the constant arguments and hurt.

I agree with this ^^^ in that THIS IS MORE THAN just a birthday DEAL.  It just does not "sound like" this relationship is what the OP needs it to be.  Somehow, I think this will just be a constant series of disappointments moving forward.