Everyone tells me I deserve better.....but I don't want better!

[Hurt and seeking help!! Hurry!!]

You gotta help me! I 've been in a pretty serious relationship with a guy I REALLY like. We're both in high school, so obviously he still lives w/ his parents. They make him go to all these bible campz. He told me he'd wright to me, but itz been almost three weeks since he left, and still no letters. We've been dating for almost a year now, and he's probly called me 5 or 6 time, mostly to tell me he'll be late for a date. My mother is sick of me always having to call him.And so am I. He has also never emailed me a letter without me having to mail him first. Also, when he is on the computer and i call, he tends to ignore me. I know this sounds bad, but for some reason, I find myself unable to get mad at him. His parents are not close at all, and all I've been able to come up with for an explanation to his hurtful actions is that he is following their examples and doesn't know how to treat girls right. Everyone tells me I should break it off, but I don'tknow, cuz even though he's hurt me before, I only just started to complain to him. And also, I visited him right before he left, and he told me he would always love me. I'm very confused. I know that I am carrying the most weight in the relationship, but I WAS able to help him change his insencitve ways last year during school. The only thing is, as soon as summer started, he totaly changed. I've figured out that he acts like a jerk towards me when he gets upset, but I already have low self esteem, and I don't think i can handle the way he deals with stress. To make matters worse, he's in all but two of my classes next year, so I'll see him everyday. My mom says I should break it off right now, so I can make a clean start next year.....but i think that that is a selfish reason to end a relationship. I love him very much, but it doesn't seem like he cares for me as much as I care for him. Should I wait untill school starts and see if I can help him open up some more, or should I let a shrink help him with his family probs?Everyone tells me I can do better, but I really don't know....I've never been very popular, and he's sorta my first real boyfriend....I'm afraid that we won't be able to stay friends if i break it off....What should I do??

 

PLEEZE HELP!! I would REALLY appreciate some advice BEFORE school starts again!

 

~Hurt and confused~

[Dee]

You gotta help me! I 've been in a pretty serious relationship with a guy I REALLY like. We're both in high school, so obviously he still lives w/ his parents. They make him go to all these bible campz. He told me he'd wright to me, but itz been almost three weeks since he left, and still no letters. We've been dating for almost a year now, and he's probly called me 5 or 6 time, mostly to tell me he'll be late for a date. My mother is sick of me always having to call him.And so am I. He has also never emailed me a letter without me having to mail him first. Also, when he is on the computer and i call, he tends to ignore me. I know this sounds bad, but for some reason, I find myself unable to get mad at him. His parents are not close at all, and all I've been able to come up with for an explanation to his hurtful actions is that he is following their examples and doesn't know how to treat girls right. Everyone tells me I should break it off, but I don'tknow, cuz even though he's hurt me before, I only just started to complain to him. And also, I visited him right before he left, and he told me he would always love me. I'm very confused. I know that I am carrying the most weight in the relationship, but I WAS able to help him change his insencitve ways last year during school. The only thing is, as soon as summer started, he totaly changed. I've figured out that he acts like a jerk towards me when he gets upset, but I already have low self esteem, and I don't think i can handle the way he deals with stress. To make matters worse, he's in all but two of my classes next year, so I'll see him everyday. My mom says I should break it off right now, so I can make a clean start next year.....but i think that that is a selfish reason to end a relationship. I love him very much, but it doesn't seem like he cares for me as much as I care for him. Should I wait untill school starts and see if I can help him open up some more, or should I let a shrink help him with his family probs? Everyone tells me I can do better, but I really don't know....I've never been very popular, and he's sorta my first real boyfriend....I'm afraid that we won't be able to stay friends if i break it off....What should I do?? PLEEZE HELP!! I would REALLY appreciate some advice BEFORE school starts again! ~Hurt and confused~

 

Listen to your mother,you are still young.You have all the

 

time in the world to find someone that will love you

 

and appreciate you.Sometimes young men are not ready to

 

settle into a relationship.Well most of the time.Mostly

 

there still trying to find themselves and they want to

 

be with their friends.If he don't want to be friends when

 

school starts his loss.A new year is coming up and I'm

 

sure you will meet new people.I say forget about him.

[Ryan]

You gotta help me! I 've been in a pretty

serious relationship with a guy I REALLY like. We're both in high school, so obviously he still lives w/ his parents. They make him go to all these bible campz. He told me he'd wright to me, but itz been almost three weeks since he left, and still no letters. We've been dating for almost a year now, and he's probly called me 5 or 6 time, mostly to tell me he'll be late for a date. My mother is sick of me always having to call him.And so am I. He has also never emailed me a letter without me having to mail him first. Also, when he is on the computer and i call, he tends to ignore me. I know this sounds bad, but for some reason, I find myself unable to get mad at him. His parents are not close at all, and all I've been able to come up with for an explanation to his hurtful actions is that he is following their examples and doesn't know how to treat girls right. Everyone tells me I should break it off, but I don'tknow, cuz even though he's hurt me before, I only just started to complain to him. And also, I visited him right before he left, and he told me he would always love me. I'm very confused. I know that I am carrying the most weight in the relationship, but I WAS able to help him change his insencitve ways last year during school. The only thing is, as soon as summer started, he totaly changed. I've figured out that he acts like a jerk towards me when he gets upset, but I already have low self esteem, and I don't think i can handle the way he deals with stress. To make matters worse, he's in all but two of my classes next year, so I'll see him everyday. My mom says I should break it off right now, so I can make a clean start next year.....but i think that that is a selfish reason to end a relationship. I love him very much, but it doesn't seem like he cares for me as much as I care for him. Should I wait untill school starts and see if I can help him open up some more, or should I let a shrink help him with his family probs? Everyone tells me I can do better, but I really don't know....I've never been very popular, and he's sorta my first real boyfriend....I'm afraid that we won't be able to stay friends if i break it off....What should I do?? PLEEZE HELP!! I would REALLY appreciate some advice BEFORE school starts again! ~Hurt and confused~

Ah yes, this does have the feel of a first relationship. It's pretty common for these early experiences to go on much longer than they should because we just don't have the perspective and wisdom yet to see things on a bigger scale. This definitely sounds like a relationship that has gone 9 months longer than it should. Right now it seems like such a HUGE part of your life, but you will come to find that it really wasn't. You will gain and lose relationships many more times throughout your life...that's NORMAL and HEALTHY. So is ending a relationship when your needs aren't being met. It's not selfish to break things off when they fail like this...that is life. The whole Loveshack project would have no purpose if everybody found the perfect mate on the first try. The truth of humanity, though, is that we have to experiment with relationships to develop some degree of internal compass. In your particular case, it appears you are attempting to fix his problems. Now it's a fine gesture to try to help a friend improve the quality of their life, but staying in a relationship merely as a "fixer-upper" is NOT a good reason. It is totally irrelevant as to whatever reason/excuse you come up with to explain his behavior away. It may help you understand it, but you don't have to tolerate it. If his father beat him, would that make it ok for him to hit you? Of course not....yet that is the same argument you make. You are in no way responsible for him or his actions. In actuality, the best thing you can do for him may very well be in creating consequences for his actions....namely you ending the relationship and moving on. That will alert him that he has some changes to make in the future......which is the best thing you both can learn from this relationship.

[Constance]

Hello Ryan,

 

As you can see, I am no longer hurt and confused. :-)

 

I would like to thank you for your advice. Even though I decided to break it off before I read your responce, I still want to thank you because it helped me a lot to know that other people thought I did the right thing too. I decided to just chaulk it up to one of those life lessons your parents are always telling you they have and you don't.*L*

 

~Constance~

 

P.S

 

Forgive my HS nievity, but you sound like a preist or something. . . are you?

Ah yes, this does have the feel of a first relationship. It's pretty common for these early experiences to go on much longer than they should because we just don't have the perspective and wisdom yet to see things on a bigger scale. This definitely sounds like a relationship that has gone 9 months longer than it should. Right now it seems like such a HUGE part of your life, but you will come to find that it really wasn't. You will gain and lose relationships many more times throughout your life...that's NORMAL and HEALTHY. So is ending a relationship when your needs aren't being met. It's not selfish to break things off when they fail like this...that is life. The whole Loveshack project would have no purpose if everybody found the perfect mate on the first try. The truth of humanity, though, is that we have to experiment with relationships to develop some degree of internal compass. In your particular case, it appears you are attempting to fix his problems. Now it's a fine gesture to try to help a friend improve the quality of their life, but staying in a relationship merely as a "fixer-upper" is NOT a good reason. It is totally irrelevant as to whatever reason/excuse you come up with to explain his behavior away. It may help you understand it, but you don't have to tolerate it. If his father beat him, would that make it ok for him to hit you? Of course not....yet that is the same argument you make. You are in no way responsible for him or his actions. In actuality, the best thing you can do for him may very well be in creating consequences for his actions....namely you ending the relationship and moving on. That will alert him that he has some changes to make in the future......which is the best thing you both can learn from this relationship.

[Ryan]

As you can see, I am no longer hurt and confused.

:-) I would like to thank you for your advice. Even though I decided to break it off before I read your responce, I still want to thank you because it helped me a lot to know that other people thought I did the right thing too. I decided to just chaulk it up to one of those life lessons your parents are always telling you they have and you don't.*L* ~Constance~ P.S

Sorry for the delayed response...it takes me awhile to sort through all of these messages and sometimes I miss one. Glad we could have been of service around here.

Forgive my HS nievity, but you sound like a preist or something. . . are you?

hah! Never been called a priest before. No, can't say that I am. I'm just a 20 year old college student.