Retroactive Jealousy Strikes Badly

[invisibleman]

Hi all,

I'll try to give you a whole background as succinctly as possible to avoid boring anyone.

I'm 30 years old, my girlfriend is 31. By all accounts I was always a pretty good boy. Church, opening doors for women, standing up on the bus for the elders, two long term relationships. I come from a conservative household (except for my wild aunty).

On the other hand, while my Asian girlfriend comes from a Conservative household too, she endured abuse in teo of her short relationships in university and potential abuse as a child (unconfirmed, she can't recall anything except for snippets). After her last abusive relationship in 2016 she went to South America and abused alcohol, drugs, and her body count. Men, women, threesomes, often not knowing their names. Then she came back home and wasn't met with much positivity so her life continued that way (while building a great professional career). One of her hookups included someone her cousin warned her about, it was her cousin's brother. To day the least, every time I see her cousin or her husband, or their kids, I suffer badly. I dread the day I'll have to meet the guy that had her.

I've been struggling with retroactive jealousy for the last two years being with her. Therapy didn't help, mediation either. I tried journaling, self reflection, everything under the sun. My girlfriend was very toxic when we met in that when I first told her I was struggling she would tell me to just get over it, that she had best time of her life and that's that. After a year her story changed and she was explaining how she did all that stuff, unprotected sex with strangers, because she didn't care for her life and she regretted it all. But maybe she only says that because she found a good looking, financially stable, reliable guy from a good family? It's all well and good to "have your fun" and then settle for a good guy, but I'm not 100% okay with that especially because of the mental burden I carey (and I know it's on me, people fan do what they want with their bodies, but I don't have to be okay with it either). Other than this, she's a great girl, smart, pretty, helpful (now). The good guy narrative was reiterates by her female cousins who told me on multiple occasions they are glad she met me because she changed so much for the better, they know that my girlfriend for example slept with three friends (not at the same time, one guy per year in this scenario) among other stuff.

Mental movies, nightmares, it's been torture. But because I have low self esteem ever since being cheated on by a girlfriend of 6 years I suspect its been worse than for someone with a higher level of confidence. At one point I became toxic myself, saying that its unfair that I'm being expected to give her more than the horde of ex hookups while not getting the stuff she dished out to them (this surprised me, it's so unlike me but I did feel unfairly treated).

We tried having two threesomes to see if that helps my mindset, but ut didn't. But maybe that's because my body count is 5% of hers. So I suggested a sex party, but she's scared of catching something (despite sleeping with two people in the past who attended these parties). Our discussions about it over last year have been toxic and there's a lot of bad blood when it comes to intimacy. For example, I struggle to "finish" without imagining her with her ex men.

Were currently in Bolivia where she previously told me she had the craziest place she had sex in, on a pool table in a bar, and to say the least I lasted a day before mentally imploding. We had a chat about ending things when we get home in the next two weeks but I wanted to reach out here (as I came across this forum by watching Zachary Stockill the other day) in case someone has some wise words, maybe they've been through similar situation, anything that could help me. I'm really desperate and a fraction of the guy I used to be.

Thank you in advance...

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you're incompatible. Sexually, morally and otherwise. She shared TMI and that's unfortunate.

Please don't blame her for your obsessing. It's hard to believe you're jealous about tales of debauchery.

Also please step down from your high and mighty horse about being a church guy, pure as the driven snow and a great catch. 

After all, you took advantage of her openness sexually for your own fun and experiences. Try not to be a hypocrite. 

Edited March 17 by Wiseman2

[Gebidozo]

As someone who has “been there”, someone who has struggled with retroactive jealousy and apparently won, I understand your feelings. Therefore I’m going to be blunt and harsh, because I want to help you. In a nutshell: you won’t get rid of retroactive jealousy until you fully transform your false feeling of moral superiority into a genuine feeling of love.

I’ll address the details in the quote below.

 

3 hours ago, invisibleman said:

I'm 30 years old, my girlfriend is 31. By all accounts I was always a pretty good boy.

Do you remember the Pharisee from the Gospels who was thanking God because he wasn’t like that tax collector? What does Jesus say about him?

On the other hand, while my Asian girlfriend comes from a Conservative household too, she endured abuse in teo of her short relationships in university and potential abuse as a child (unconfirmed, she can't recall anything except for snippets).

If you truly love her, your retroactive jealousy should transform into deep compassion, and you should dedicate your life to healing her from those horrors.

To day the least, every time I see her cousin or her husband, or their kids, I suffer badly. I dread the day I'll have to meet the guy that had her.

The choice of words is strange. He didn’t “have” her, she chose to be with him. That is her past, which has nothing to do with you. You can choose not to meet that guy if you don’t want to, but “dreading” it is just your insecurity talking.

After a year her story changed and she was explaining how she did all that stuff, unprotected sex with strangers, because she didn't care for her life and she regretted it all. But maybe she only says that because she found a good looking, financially stable, reliable guy from a good family?

So you’re saying you don’t trust her. How can you even begin to cure anything if you can’t bring yourself to trust a person you supposedly love? Also, this “reliable guy from a good family” reeks of Pharisee mentality again. You should drop that kind of thinking ASAP.

The good guy narrative was reiterates by her female cousins who told me on multiple occasions they are glad she met me because she changed so much for the better, they know that my girlfriend for example slept with three friends (not at the same time, one guy per year in this scenario) among other stuff.

Are you saying you aren’t glad she changed for the better? So you don’t wish her to be better? What kind of a “good guy” are you, then?
 

But because I have low self esteem

THIS. You’ve answered most of your questions. THIS is the root of your problem. YOUR low self esteem. Not HER past. You appear to realize that, but you don’t seem to have drawn the right conclusions from that yet.

its unfair that I'm being expected to give her more than the horde of ex hookups while not getting the stuff she dished out to them (this surprised me, it's so unlike me but I did feel unfairly treated).

What exactly are you expected to give her, and what exactly are you not “getting” from her?

We tried having two threesomes to see if that helps my mindset, but ut didn't.

Try reading this aloud right after those paragraphs about being a good church boy, for a bit of dark humor.

You are morally outraged over her sexual past, yet you are coercing her into those very outrageous (in your own opinion) actions yourself. Do you even begin to see the humongous proportions of this hypocrisy?

But maybe that's because my body count is 5% of hers.

Oh, so THAT’s what it’s about! It’s all about competing who bangs more people. Just the right mindset for a good, reliable, morally upstanding church guy who is so proud of only having two relationships. Right?😁

For example, I struggle to "finish" without imagining her with her ex men.

There is nothing wrong with having such dirty fantasies during sex. They are more common among men than people usually think. In your case, I’d say this could be healthy and therapeutic for you. Try to reimagine and accept her past as sexually titillating. This is much better than being toxic and giving her a hard time about her past. Be obnoxious in bed (only if she is ok with that, of course), not outside of it.

 

Edited March 18 by Gebidozo

[Alpacalia]

Why if you have retroactive jealousy would you engage in threeways with her? I'm sorry but she is what she is and you can't change her from that. If you are creeped out by her sexual past and all, break up and go find someone who fits your tastes without worrying you.

[NuevoYorko]

What a bad situation for this young woman.   And a very poor match for you.  Set her free to be with someone who accepts her for ALL she is and has experienced.  And perhaps you can look for a conservative religious woman with a non-eventful past.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

What a bad situation for this young woman.   And a very poor match for you.  Set her free to be with someone who accepts her for ALL she is and has experienced.  And perhaps you can look for a conservative religious woman with a non-eventful past.

Not sure a conservative religious woman with a non-eventful past would want to be with a man who has coerced a woman to threesomes in an attempt to cure his own jealousy.

Also, a conservative religious woman with a non-eventful past may be very well secretly longing for “events” to happen. I wonder what the OP would say if such hypothetical religious woman isn’t able to stomach HIS past and coerces HIM to threesomes.

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is toast. 

OP, it's way past time to break up. You two are absolutely not a match, and the relationship has become completely dysfunctional. Sometimes there is no solution but to walk away. 

This is where you are, since this is not going to get any better. 

[smackie9]

Those things are deal breakers. Me personally would never be with someone with such a history. For the sake of your mental health, end the relationship. You can do way better. 

[Gebidozo]

14 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Those things are deal breakers. Me personally would never be with someone with such a history. For the sake of your mental health, end the relationship. You can do way better. 

Do you mean to say “she can do way better”?