winter2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 My Husband feels I am sad all the time,insecure and weak. He feels as though my whole life revolves around him and that I am not my own person. He wants out - But he has mentioned to family members that he wants the relationship to work if I change. He said he is in it 50/50 50 cause he knows I can change and 50 because I am not showing him I could. He refuses to discuss the status with me for right now because he feels his mind is set. He is going out with his single freinds and is not there for me. He says he wants a happy wife the wife he married. What should I do? Is he hinting a second chance? Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 He's screaming it. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author winter2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Author Share Posted December 21, 2005 Its just that I have been working on myself. I feel much happier. Whats with the going out with single freinds couple of nights a week untill 3 am!! Is he trying to teach me a lesson? Will consistensy prove to him that I have changed? He is being very distant from me physically and emotionally Any tips? Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 - Be genuinely interested when he wants to tell you about something. Show youre paying attention by smiling/laughing, nodding, etc. - When he wants to go out, say to him "I love you sweetheart have a great time!" and leave it at that. Dont try to discourage him from going because it could press him to want to go even more. - Get busy, ie: take some classes, maybe get a job if you dont already have one. Tell him interesting things that happened during your day and be patient with him. - you may wanna go pick up "men are from mars/women from venus" - STAY POSITIVE! Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 Keep yourself busy as best you can, and see a counselor so that you have a support system outside of your relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author winter2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Author Share Posted December 21, 2005 Great advice. That’s what I have been doing just saying by honey have fun when he goes out but its frustrating seeing hes going out to bars with single friends!! etc... I also have been smiling a lot and doing a lot of housework and making him feel comfortable. How long should it take him to come around? When he first told me about how he felt I did the crying/begging thing for like 3 months. Now I have totally stopped that it was hard but I really want this so I stopped it. Did I ruin my chances by initially begging him to stay? What else could I do to save this? Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted December 23, 2005 Share Posted December 23, 2005 Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold the phone, here! YOU ARE STAYING HOME DOING HOUSEWORK WHILE HE GOES OUT AND PARTIES WITH FRIENDS????!!!!! Look, Winter2005, -first, I want to say that the only thing wrong with this forum is that the posters do not give enough info, sometimes. Still, it does the work and serves the purpose to the capacity it can and does a damn good job, by the way, thanks to those who reply, and post the content of their hearts, wisdom, and experience here everyday. But..... Let me beg forgiveness for my previous reply to your post due to the NEW info you just gave regarding his actions. One thing we have to learn to do in life that is hard as hell but REQUIRED in order to sleep well at night, is to admit when we're wrong and have the guts and character to admit it. I was wrong! If this man is leaving you at home to do mundane chores like housework, while he goes out to bars and looks for fun, -he's no angel. I'm trying hard to give him the least little benefit of the doubt in that he may have wanted, (at one time), to work through the problems in your relationship. I said 'trying'. Since I have little info here, I'm going to state what I have to say this way: It sounds like he's past wanting to work on things and is looking for greener pastures. It also sounds like your insecurities played a significant role in that and he may have wanted change and didn't get it from you. Now he's seeking whatever he can find to replace what he had once with you, before the spark died out. BOTH OF YOU have issues to work on. Either separately -or together. In the real world, that's a choice that either YOU make ..or it's made FOR YOU. Decision time for you....it looks like he's making (or already made) his. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author winter2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Author Share Posted December 23, 2005 Rio- He does not go out every night maybe once a week or twice and we still do things together. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted December 23, 2005 Share Posted December 23, 2005 Best of luck, Winter2005. Take care. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author winter2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Author Share Posted December 23, 2005 - When he wants to go out, say to him "I love you sweetheart have a great time!" and leave it at that. Dont try to discourage him from going because it could press him to want to go even more. What is hes meeting girls and I KNOW IT? Should I not say a thing? Link to post Share on other sites
simon sez Posted December 23, 2005 Share Posted December 23, 2005 If you really want to "wake" him up and turn things around, then you NEED to get some backbone. Men do not respect women like you who let them walk all over them. You know what people do with doormats? Walk on them. Here is what you do... YOU make plans to go out independently of him. When he goes out, then you go out and have some fun of your own. Get home LATER than he does. Tell him he was RIGHT. Tell him that you have realized that you DID rely on him too much and that YOU need some time for YOU. Let him WONDER what and why you are out so late and what you are up to. This is what will draw him back. You have low self esteem. Women with low self esteem always allow men to treat them like your man is treating you. Stop letting him do this to you and start to get a life of your own. Go out and have the time of your life while he is out. You will SOON notice he will change his tune when he thinks that you may have something or someone else in the picture... Quit sitting home and waiting on him to change. It won't happen unless you get some backbone and stir the pot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author winter2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Author Share Posted December 23, 2005 Are you being kept up late at night worried sick that you would never be able to find or keep your true love because of a rival? Suspecting your date, lover or your spouse having an extramarital relationship? Here's what you could do so you could win back the one you love and keep them! (1) Show your partner you respect their choices more than anyone else.   Do not do anything or say anything which forces   your partner to do things or see things your way!   If they have to make their choice whether they   want you or the other person, give them no excuses   to leave you for somebody else, show them your respect!   No one likes to live under the control of another person.   Your partner will more likely choose you if you can show   him or her that you are willing to give them the freedom   to make their own choices and respect his/her wishes. (2) Do not try to Compete   Do not try to compete with your rival, if you have one   around. When you are competing, you are struggling,   and when you are struggling, you create a lot of negative   energy around you, leading to unpleasant experiences   with the people who just happen to be with you.   Instead, try to CREATE opportunities that lead to   positive experiences, especially with your partner   around. Let your partner feel that they can feel more   at ease when he or she is together with you. Let your   partner feel more comfortable being with you than with   somebody else.   In short, CHOOSE to walk the path of least resistance! (3) Avoid discussing issues relating to your rivals.   Whenever you are with your spouse or lover do not keep   asking or questioning them on issues relating related to   your rival (Examples: "Where did you go yesterday?" "What   did you give her…", "Why does he / she do this…", you   get what I mean).   Asking such questions would only put his defense system   on autopilot and his/her replies to you might not be   truthful too. Most often than not, such discussions lead   to unpleasant experiences with your partner, both of you   might even fight or quarrel over an insignificant issue   and further ruin your relationship. So give your partner   freedom of choice. Let them do whatever they want and   like, and you will find that they will appreciate your   understanding.   If your partner finds that he/she can breathe easier when   being with you than with the other person, they will   come back to you, with no effort on your part! (4) Stop clinging to your spouse or lover like sticky glue   Recall the type of person you once were when you first   started seeing and dating your lover or your spouse. That   'person' you once were is the person whom your lover or   spouse once loved deeply. Be that 'person'. When you were   that 'person', you were someone who did not cling to   your partner like a parasite. You were independent,   carefree, and full of zest for life! This is the real   'you' whom your partner love and like to be with. So drop   all those attachment. Practice detachment instead.   If your relationship is failing, other people will tell   you 'Your partner has changed.', or 'People change. This   is life.' Instead, pause for a moment and ask yourself   "Has my partner really change? Or is it I who have   changed?" Have you changed to someone who has become too   demanding in your relationship? Your partner love you   for who you are. So 'be' that independent person you once   were! Keep the above tips in mind, and you can be sure that you will the heart of the one you love without any effort on your part! Link to post Share on other sites
chocolate_boy Posted December 23, 2005 Share Posted December 23, 2005 So this guy only wants you when you're happy and fun... but doesn't sound like he's prepared to go through the tough times and support you when you need it. Bad news Link to post Share on other sites
Author winter2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Author Share Posted December 23, 2005 he says crying from time to time i understand but always i can deal with it. he says i need to love myself before he loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
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