old feelings coming back

[gerrywarren]

Just wanted to get an opinion as I find this hard to talk about to my family and friends.

 

About 5 years I ago I was really close friends with a girl that used to live in the house next to me when we were younger (around 5 years old). She moved to another neighbourhood a few years later and we lost contact. We reconnected when we were both seniors in high school. We were both dating other people at the time and we talked on the phone a bit and on ICQ. Both of our relationships ended that summer and we began to hang out more and more. We both started university that fall and hung out there and went to movies and stuff. I didn't take long for me to develop really strong feelings for her. I wanted to tell her how I felt but I was always nervous about how she would react if she didn't feel the same way. I was stuck in the "friendzone" as someone else said. She even told me one night that I was like her brother. That really left me bummed. I still had the feelings for her though. We maintained a similar relationship for a long time. I almost told her how I felt one night though. We were talking on ICQ about who we liked. She was pressuring me to tell her and I had to words "It's you" written on the screen. I just couldn't press the button.

 

That was truly the closest I ever came. We continued hanging out after that, still going to movies and seeing each other at university and stuff. But another girl in my group of friends was interested me and since I wasn't making any progress with the other girl, I started dating her. We have been dating ever since then (almost 4 and a half years.)

 

I sort of fell out of contact with the girl I originally liked. I didn't hang out with her at all after I started dating my current girlfriend and she didn't like that I had stopped hanging out with her. She had started going out with someone not long after I started going out with my girlfriend too. I just told her that it was difficult to have a girlfriend and a really close friend that's a girl. I still didn't tell her how I had felt about her. We didn't have a real conversation for almost 2 years after that. She's since broken up with her boyfriend. When I found out about them breaking up, my first thought was "She's single again!" Even after all this time with my current girlfriend, I was excited that she was back on the market.

 

For all this time, I've still thought about her and about what could have been. It drives me crazy sometimes. We've hung out a few times and we talk on MSN a lot now, but I feel like I'm cheating on my girlfriend. If I tell my friend how I felt (and pretty much still feel) about her, a part of me knows I would probably break up with my girlfriend to try and be with her. I've grown pretty close to my girlfriend in these past 4 years and I honestly love her. But for some reason, I still have some feelings for my friend. I feel like I won't be complete until I am with her or I know if she ever felt the same way about me. It is such a dilemma for me. Does anyone out there have any advice? I am so confused with all of this. I just don't want anyone to get hurt from all of this. I know that is difficult. If anyone can suggest anything, I am more than willing to listen. Thanks.

[Friend]

Hi,

 

I feel for you. I am in a similiar situation. I have been very close friends with a guy for over 5 years, we were always close and we even lived together as flatmates for about two years a few years ago.

 

As soon as I moved out (I left to go travelling overseas), I realised how much I missed my friend. I didn't realise it was love, but I know I sure did think about him ALOT. When he told me he was going to come overseas to visit me I was overjoyed. I was really excited that he was coming, not to make a move on him, but to hang out. The first night he arrived, we ended up kissing.

 

We never discussed this kiss again until about one year ago. Sitting together in a pub, after a few drinks, he confessed that he was in love with me and had been for a long time. I was gobsmacked. I had thoughts so much about him for so long, I was amazed that he felt the same about me.

 

It should have all ended in happiness, right??

 

Unfortunately, I too have a boyfriend. I have dated my boyfriend for over two years at this stage. So, in loyality to my boyfriend, and the fear of the unknown I decided to ignore the feeling and ignore the feelings for my friend. Like you, I too loved my boyfriend. I was actually living with my boyfriend.

 

So I ignored the feelings I had for my friend. It should not have been a problem, I had had these feelings for a long time, and I had managed to ignore them for a long time. However, things changed with the way I felt. I realised that I wasn't happy in my relationship. Not because I had feelings for someone else, but because I felt that I was living a lie. I realised that I could not lie awake thinking of someone else with my boyfriend lying next to me.

 

One year down the track, I have broken up with my boyfriend. I have not told my friend this and I have accepted a temporary job for 6 months about 5 hours from my home town. I am hoping this will give me some time to evaluate my feelings, and work out what I really want. The last time I spoke with my friend (about 3 weeks ago, we had not seen each other for over 10 months) he told me he still thinks about me all the time. The feeling is mutral.

 

I would not recommend breaking up with your current girlfriend only to be with someone else. I would recommend looking at the things that attract you to this other girl, is it her confidence, her humour?? You will probably find these are qualities lacking in your current relationship. See if you can fix these things. You should not leave an otherwise good relationship for someone else. These things do not always work out. That said however, if you do have such strong feelings for someone else, your relationship must not be perfect. When you are happy, other people should not matter.

 

I hope to have my life sorted out in 6 months. The more I think about it, the more I do not want to be in my current relationship, howeveer, that does not mean that I nessecarily want to be with my friend. I am leaning towards the single life, having fun and getting to know who I am again. If sometime down the track I end up with my friend, well I will be happy. If not, well that is life.

 

In order to 'get over' my friend, I decided not to see him. I imposed no contact in the hope I would forget. The outcome??

[seanryann]

That's a tough spot you're in. I have never been in a situation like that, but if I was, I would be hesitant to do something that might wreck your current relationship with your current girlfriend. You two sound happy together and I'd hate to see that ruined.

 

Any way you can get a mutual friend of you and this girl to ask her if she has any interest in dating you? Get them to do some detective work maybe?

 

If you're going to risk things with the current GF, you better be damn sure you're not doing it for nothing.

 

Good luck with whatever you choose.

[Devildog]

For all this time, I've still thought about her and about what could have been. It drives me crazy sometimes...<snip>...I feel like I won't be complete until I am with her or I know if she ever felt the same way about me.

 

See, this is why you need to be decisive. This is why you grab your opportunities when they present themselves. Otherwise you live in a world of "what if?" and regret from what could have been.

 

After my divorce, I thought alot about a woman I used to work with when my XW and I started dating. There was a real spark between us and I ended up keeping my distance since I was in a relationship. and here I was asking myself "what if?" What if I had persued that spark. I called her the next day because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?".

 

And for the record, I would be willing to bet she knew how you felt, she just wanted to see if you would have the confidence and desire to admit it to her. You don't think it seems a bit odd that she finally started dating someone after you chickened out and ran to someone else? She was waiting for you to make a move, but your move was to be indecisive.

 

"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not pass your chance to glow, cause opportunity comes once in a lifetime."

[gerrywarren]

haven't checked this thread in a long time...I never did tell her how I feel, she is dating someone else now, and I honestly couldn't be happier that I didn't do anything about it...I am still with my girlfriend and our relationship is amazing...I am away at school now, but we talk on the phone a couple of times everyday and we will be able to see each other at some point every month...I think about her constantly, and I know that I made the right decision by sticking with this relationship...she is a beautiful person and we are getting engaged, hopefully sometime in 2007.