Where is the Advice on this Board that produces 2nd Chances?

[Extra Truth in LA]

Hi All

 

I'm new, but I've been lurking and reading a number of threads.

 

My question is simple: this section of Loveshack.org is supposed to be about second chances. I see a lot of talk about them, especially a lot of dashing of hope for any second chance. This is usually under the heading of 'Healing', 'Letting Go' and 'Moving On', or 'Reality''.

 

Where is the advice on how to obtain a second or last chance. Anytime I read a glimmer of hope, it's usually shot down with a downer, such as 'you'll find someone better, more deserving, etc.'.

 

The only advice I've heard of, and it's highly conditional, is the NC principle, and I've heard it said that it's really for the dumper to gain strength to move on. Maybe the dumpee doesn't want that, and believes, has faith, that things can work out. I don't know if I'm making my point, but it's essentially this: most advice I've seen here advocates that failure, means failure eternal, and that's just life. How I pity the casual loss of love. If only there were one more glimmer of hope, faith, vision, growth, perhaps many lost loves would never have been lost?

 

Now, accepting for the moment, that the reason people are coming here is not to be or find someone else, could we please start having more advice on how love may be regained when negligence, or immaturity, or stupidity have have a hand in a relationship's demise, one that if allowed another chance, and real human change in the partners, would produce a happy relationships.

 

Can we have some of that please. Forgive my diatribe.

 

Thanks! J in LA

[grace2005]

I agree with you that advice about moving on is more attuned for the coping section of this forum. You are right, people come to second chance section because their goal is to get another chance with their ex not to move on. I don't think moving on should be the only advice you hear.

 

NC is not just for moving on but it's also to allow your ex time to miss you and possibly realize what they lost. This does not necessarily mean you have to apply NC until they come back to you. But one should at least apply it for about a month and see what happens.

 

Just because the relationship is over now does not mean it's over forever. People do reconcile after months or years apart. My grandparents broke up a couple times and got back together. There was a 10 year gap between the separation and reconciliation.

 

I'm in the minority here when I say that pursuing the ex to a point is fine as long as the ex is not irritated or annoyed by your efforts. If you want to send flowers send flowers but if they seem irritated or tell you to stop then stop and do NC. I sent flowers to my ex and it did not work against me. This was 2 months ago. 2 weeks later she said she wanted to try again. Now I recently broke it off with her this time around but that's a whole different thread.

 

Yes at some point a person has to move on if all pursuit efforts have failed but that doesn't mean you have to move on right away. Good things come to those who wait. NC is not for every situation in a break up.

 

I am not one of those who think it's an absolute rule that you should never contact your ex if you have been dumped. Now if the ex has told you to leave them alone then you would be forced to do NC until they get in touch with you. The only time strict NC should be applied is if you have decided to move on.

[CaliGuy]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77093/?highlight=why+second+chances+rarely+work

[grace2005]

Besides I don't think NC will work to win someone back if they dumped you because of neglect in the relationship. You know not spending enough time together, lack of sexual interest, showing indifference. In this case NC would just reinforce the dumper's decision.

 

If on the other hand you were dumped because you smothered them then NC might work (if they still have feelings for you at all).

[CaliGuy]

Besides I don't think NC will work to win someone back if they dumped you because of neglect in the relationship. You know not spending enough time together, lack of sexual interest, showing indifference. In this case NC would just reinforce the dumper's decision.

 

If that is the case, I recommend Blaise Harris' book on winning back your ex. If you took them for granted, his book will teach you how to retrain yourself to appreciate them and show affection.

 

If on the other hand you were dumped because you smothered them then NC might work (if they still have feelings for you at all).

 

Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. But if this is the case you have to re-evaluate yourself and commit yourself to becoming more confident and independent. Women love confident men. Smothering a woman is a sure sign of a lack of self-confidence and self-assuredness. And believe me, it takes more than a month or two to make the change. It takes counseling, reading and daily commitment to learn why you acted that way and to not only stop it but really and truly change.

 

By that time your ex might have moved on forever. But all hope is not lost. You are much better off for the next person in your life. And really, your Ex may have just been the education you needed to be ready for the right person. They're an ex for a reason.

[grace2005]

The only reason my second chance did not work was because I had to deal with the resentment for her leaving me in the first place. I could not forgive her nor myself for the past so I chose to walk away this time. Now would it have worked out if I had just let the past be the past? I don't know.

[Art_Critic]

Because this is the second chance forum that doesn't mean the only advice given should be about " How to get your second chance "

 

The advice given is about getting second chances..

 

By the way.. this is what LS calls the forum

 

"Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!"

 

You have a romantic view.. Good for you.. I hope that it works out..

[CaliGuy]

The only reason my second chance did not work was because I had to deal with the resentment for her leaving me in the first place. I could not forgive her nor myself for the past so I chose to walk away this time. Now would it have worked out if I had just let the past be the past? I don't know.

 

If you read my post on why second chances rarely work you'd see this is one of the reasons. You didn't change.

[grace2005]

Well I made a mistake taking her back to begin with. When I realized it that's when I decided to end it. The tables are turned and the ball was placed in my court to take her back or not when she said she wanted to try again.

[grace2005]

I'm one of those who got their second chance and then 1 month later realized I didn't want it. By the time dreamguy's ex wanted to come back he had already decided he didn't want her back. Sometimes it happens that way. The timing was off. My ex has tried to call me 4 times since I broke things off with her but I didn't answer.

[masie]

Here's what I think the original message was getting at.

 

What advice is there to get someone back?

 

 

Of course, this should come from people who've had experiences work in their favor.

 

However, far more of us have had no second chance or reconciled and realized it was a mistake.

 

Still, what worked (temporarily or permanently) to get the ex's attention? How do you "smooth things over" to build a road back to someone?

 

How do you avoid burning bridges? How do you and can you repair those bridges?

 

At least, that's my opinion on this......

[Art_Critic]

Of course, this should come from people who've had experiences work in their favor.

The other part of the equation is that people who get back or find a way to get back with their ex don't post on boards like LS.. they are busy living there new lives..

There experiences will never make it to boards like these unless the people come here have gone thru it..

 

I have and give advice based on my experiences of being a 42 year old adult

[Moose]

Here's what I think the original message was getting at.

 

What advice is there to get someone back?

And here's your answer, and possibly the original poster's answer. (And I do speak from experience).....

 

To obtain a second chance, one must look inside him/herself, and decide, for themselves, if they are willing to change, for the other person.

 

Most people don't go there, so you won't see much here......make sense?

[Art_Critic]

To obtain a second chance, one must look inside him/herself, and decide, for themselves, if they are willing to change, for the other person.

 

Most people don't go there, so you won't see much here......make sense?

 

Well put moose ..

[masie]

That's exactly the type of advice --perhaps--that the original message was after. Nicely done!

[Extra Truth]

Here's what I think the original message was getting at.

 

Of course, this should come from people who've had experiences work in their favor.

 

Still, what worked (temporarily or permanently) to get the ex's attention? How do you "smooth things over" to build a road back to someone?

 

How do you avoid burning bridges? How do you and can you repair those bridges?

 

Art Critic

 

That's not true. At faqfarm.com message boards (not the best at organization) there are lot's of people who devote their time and advice who have been through situations and decided to 'pay back' with their wisdom. If I were back with my ex, I would certainly give the gift of giving back.

 

And Masie,

 

You're right on target. That is preciselyl what I'm getting at. I want to hear about successes, not constant failures. It would be good to learn by example. The persistence of interest in the reconciliation phenomenon is enough to suggest that people do make mistaks, and truly wish they could fix their relationships, after the first incarnation ends, but that there is a lack of information about how to go about doing it. CaliGuy pointed to a lot of the reasons why second chances don't work--but in those cases where the mistakes aren't fatal (cheating is fatal, perhaps negligence is not), and a little bit of vision or hope can be cultivated, perhaps the couple can reunite even stronger than they were before in a new relationship provided bridges are built, and wounds healed.

 

That's my view anyway...

 

J in LA

[J dub]

Art Critic was right, majority of people who GET their second chance dont bother coming here any longer because they no longer seek support. They are out living their lives.

 

In a perfect world, everyone would come here and share their experiences. Obviously, we are not in a perfect world.

[Extra Truth]

And here's your answer, and possibly the original poster's answer. (And I do speak from experience).....

 

To obtain a second chance, one must look inside him/herself, and decide, for themselves, if they are willing to change, for the other person.

 

Most people don't go there, so you won't see much here......make sense?

 

For my part, I am wiling to change. I was selfish, negligent, and immature while my partner carried the weight for us both and was open enough to help me grow out of those bad character traits. I did not do all I could, and I did not do the right thing at the right time, but she was there in love with me until those habits chipped away at that love. She still cares, and still loves me, but only sees the past, not the future, and it's difficult to convince them I am changing, and freeing all that repression and eliminating all that insecurity that limited my commitment in that relationship. Now why would I want to look into myself, see all those issues, and hold onto that?! I for one, am grateful to see that I HAVE TO change, for myself, and I would love to share this person with her if she would believe one iota, and have me back.

 

Now how to do it when the person insists on NC and gets angry at any violation of her space? For her, will NC help for her to move on, or make her fonder. I think the first since she will only remember the past and not see a futur...but anyway I digress....

 

J in LA

[Extra Truth]

Well put moose ..

Hi Masie and Art Critic and Moose

 

Exactly correct. That is the sort of advice I'm after, and perhaps others are after.

 

If we know we were wrong, and we know did not do enough, and know we can do better, and know what changes are needed, and know they are for the good, and would make our partner happy, than why not. Seems to me a formula for success, if the dumper will listen.

 

So how does one communicate that with NC is in place, and especially without any information whether that person is using NC to move while holding a predjudice about the dumpee's ability to change (granted, based on experience, so a valid view). The missing ingredient, optimism and faith that people do change. And that's what disappoints me here on this board is the pervasive belief that people won't change, and underneath, and underlying cynicism and weakness that enables the abandoning of hope all too easy. I wonder how many people here would just roll over and die when the going gets tough. I'm not attacking anyone in particular, but just observing that what so many people call, getting real, is really just, I don't know what to call it, fatigue? cynicism, apathy?

 

I have to disagree by the way with Cali Guy saying that people don't change. Love and loss are VERY POWERFUL events that can produce major behavioral changes and wisdom. To assume the average for everyone, well that's just not right and probably aborts a lot reconciliations unnecessarily...

[J dub]

Now how to do it when the person insists on NC and gets angry at any violation of her space?

 

Then you respect her wishes and leave her alone.

 

Regardless of whether or not she comes back, the important point is that for right now she is gone and you need to concentrate on yourself.

 

The ONLY way she'll come back, is if you respect her decision for NC. And if she doesnt? At least you have your sanity throughout this whole ordeal.

[Extra Truth]

Art Critic was right, majority of people who GET their second chance dont bother coming here any longer because they no longer seek support. They are out living their lives.

 

In a perfect world, everyone would come here and share their experiences. Obviously, we are not in a perfect world.

 

 

I fee like Harry Poppins today. J Dub, you may be right the world isn't perfect, and that people move on from this board once they GET their second chance, but that's not the whole world. Some people 'pay back' to society, or to others. I am one of those. Just want to emphasize the positive.

[Extra Truth]

Then you respect her wishes and leave her alone.

 

Regardless of whether or not she comes back, the important point is that for right now she is gone and you need to concentrate on yourself.

 

The ONLY way she'll come back, is if you respect her decision for NC. And if she doesnt? At least you have your sanity throughout this whole ordeal.

 

Alright J Dub

 

Accepting that I must respect NC, and can't communicate or show her any of these changes to woo her back, when or how can she be ever convinced? If that NC is for her to move on, then that's it, the closed door stays shut because those wishes were respected and these changes were never communicated. I know I may be dense here, but NC seems way to passive.

 

Also, her not returning is not the best solution to keeping my sanity.

[grace2005]

Under what circumstances would it be ok for me as the dumper to talk to my ex?? She called me again tonight. I ignored the call. This is the 5th time. Does anyone think I should pick up the phone? She dumped me in late august and came back in november and then I dumped her last week.

[J dub]

Under what circumstances would it be ok for me as the dumper to talk to my ex?? She called me again tonight. I ignored the call. This is the 5th time. Does anyone think I should pick up the phone? She dumped me in late august and came back in november and then I dumped her last week.

Tsk Tsk grace, you should know by now that this would qualify as "hijacking" someone's already established thread

 

Anyway.

 

Extra Truth:

 

>Accepting that I must respect NC, and can't communicate or show her any of these changes to woo her back, when or how can she be ever convinced?

 

Well, forgive me...but I dont know any details to your given situation and am not sure I am able to offer any advice that would work accordingly, seeing as I may be completely off. She dumped you? For what reason? Why did she enforce NC?

 

>If that NC is for her to move on, then that's it, the closed door stays shut because those wishes were respected and these changes were never communicated. I know I may be dense here, but NC seems way to passive.

 

I beg to differ. Ask anyone who is currently enduring their 4th, 5th, even 20th week of NC and they'll be happy to tell you that its anything but passive. It's downright TOUGH to do, takes incredible self-discipline and is fabulously rewarding when you do it forcefully. As for your situation specifically, again...I am at a loss for suggestions due to lack of info..sorry...please feel free to elaborate!

 

>Also, her not returning is not the best solution to keeping my sanity

 

actually, I was referring to those who have resurfacing Ex's who dont have the desire to get back together with them but rather prefer to make their Ex their own personal self-esteem booster system. That is most certainly not supportive of one's sanity

[CaliGuy]

Now how to do it when the person insists on NC and gets angry at any violation of her space? For her, will NC help for her to move on, or make her fonder. I think the first since she will only remember the past and not see a futur...but anyway I digress....

 

J in LA

 

That's part of why I feel second chances don't work very often. Even if you changed it would take a tremendous effort on her part to believe you.

 

You have to change for YOU and you only, not someone else and be dedicated to do it for life. Stick with NC and when she eventually sees you after the change, then and only then might she believe you.

 

Nothing you can say to her will change that right now. In fact, if you pester her at all that you've changed you will just push her further away. You have got to work on yourself and your issues and forget her for now. She might eventually even call you after a few months of NC but during that time you must change for yourself and it must be permanent.