Where is the Advice on this Board that produces 2nd Chances?

[grace2005]

It is hard being the dumper or the dumpee.

[Nikita20]

ET:

 

I agree with your thoughts. If only you could show your ex that you've changed, however, when NC is enforced it is impossible to show them. However, I think the sad part about all of this is even though you are willing to change, your ex has already fallen out of love with you, hence the break up. Even if you could show your ex that you have changed, you can't make them fall in love with you again. That is why it is important to enforce NC, to perhaps make them second guess their decision, to miss you, but most importantly, it is a tool to help heal you, which I believe is the most important thing.

 

I guess the point I'm trying to make here, is if you are the dumpee, from the dumpees standpoint, there is really no way of winning your ex back. It is up to the dumper to take you back, since they initiated it in the first place. The only thing for the dumpee to do is continue with NC, unless the ex has contacted you and wants to reconcile. If this happens, the ball is in your court. Otherwise, if they don't contact you, the ball is in their court. I hope this helps.

[grace2005]

If you want to prove to your ex that you have changed you can start by not trying to go after her. Especially if she has asked that you not contact her. Violating her space will only prove that you have not changed. So the first step is respecting her decision. You'll have to play the waiting game.

 

So the first step to showing her you have changed is NOT pursuing her at all from here on out. If she is interested in seeing changes in you then she will get in touch with you to find out what you have been doing with yourself. She knows how to do that.

[CaliGuy]

ET:

 

I agree with your thoughts. If only you could show your ex that you've changed, however, when NC is enforced it is impossible to show them. However, I think the sad part about all of this is even though you are willing to change, your ex has already fallen out of love with you, hence the break up. Even if you could show your ex that you have changed, you can't make them fall in love with you again. That is why it is important to enforce NC, to perhaps make them second guess their decision, to miss you, but most importantly, it is a tool to help heal you, which I believe is the most important thing.

 

I do want to add that if you were clingy or suffocating your ex, you can show them you've changed through NC. I think that is the one area where NC can help you change for the positive and at the same time prove it to an ex. If you can survive NC and rebuild your confidence, self-esteem and independence when when your ex eventually calls you (and they will because they will wonder WTH is going on when you're not clinging anymore), then that is your chance to prove you've changed.

 

I guess the point I'm trying to make here, is if you are the dumpee, from the dumpees standpoint, there is really no way of winning your ex back.

 

True. Unless you change, the Ex changes or the situation changes, even a second chance will be worthless.

 

It is up to the dumper to take you back, since they initiated it in the first place. The only thing for the dumpee to do is continue with NC, unless the ex has contacted you and wants to reconcile. If this happens, the ball is in your court. Otherwise, if they don't contact you, the ball is in their court. I hope this helps.

 

Pretty much. NC is good as it allows the Ex time to miss you and forget some of the quirks you had that they didn't like. If you were good to your ex, they never forget that. Don't settle for friends if it's offered and you want something more. You will most likely never dig out of that hole.

[grace2005]

Even if your ex does want to try again make sure you take some time to think about taking her up on her offer. If she asks to try again, then tell her you need some time to think about it. Tell her you'd like to just be friends while you are thinking about it.

 

You might find during that time of contemplation that it would be better not to take her up on the offer if you are dealing with resentment for her leaving you in the first place. Unless you are willing to forget the past and forgive her and/or yourself then don't take her back.

 

I don't believe in second chances anymore. I will never again take a woman back if she dumped me and then regretted her decision later. Regardless if I still have feelings for her or not. I went into strict NC mode after I dumped my ex in order to kill my feelings for her. It has been 8 days of NC so far. She has to eat the consequences of her decision forever. I was a fool for letting her back in last time.

 

If your ex asks to try again then she's put the ball in your court to decide whether you want to continue the relationship or not. Don't be a fool by letting her come back. An ex is an ex for a reason. Now if she is begging to come back then go ahead and take her back.

[masie]

Here’s my 2 cents. I seem to be a magnet for men who like to “resurface.” I am frequently dumped by men who are out to have a good time but see me as someone that is the type they’d like to settle down with once they’re tired of going out every single night with their friends.

 

In my experience, when guys resurface, they typically do it MONTHS later. I strongly consider every reappearing act because I do believe in second chances. Of course, I haven’t had a bad breakup or been cheated on, so these guys haven’t burned their bridges.

 

I’ve had to tell a few guys no, after talking to them again for a bit. With most guys, they were just unwilling to change, and change is critical. I mean, if a relationship doesn’t work the first time, it’s because something wasn’t right. Sometimes, it’s the people, emotions, timing, level of attraction, respect, backgrounds---so many factors. That’s why it’s VERY short-sighted to say that all second chances are doomed.

 

But I will talk to the person to keep them from repeatedly contacting me if I think it's a bad idea. Sometimes honesty hurts.

 

Most of my friends who are married and happy--anywhere from 1 to 25 years--they broke up during their dating relationship. We're human, we get scared. We make mistakes. But they had some connection strong enough to warrant a second chance. Some broke up because they wanted to finish college, find a better job, move, had family drama/tragedies and others just argued over minor things.

 

But it seemed that in most cases, the guy resurfaced. Not to say that women can’t or shouldn’t. But I guess at least with American society, it’s still common for the man to be in the lead of a relationship, do the proposing, etc.

 

I have a few female friends who resurface in an unhealthy manner--because they need something. Money, car repair, silly stuff because they’re too dependent and know their last guy(s) won’t say no. (I’ve initiated a second chance and it worked, but experienced a family tragedy that made me withdraw from the relationship. I’ve thought about “third” chances, but if it’s meant to me, it’ll happen.)

 

(Btw---About the whole “if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen” --- I don’t know how this works exactly! Particularly if --serendipitously, I’m the person who should make the contact and I don’t! Then what? I just leave it up to divine intervention. My ex has some maturing to do, so if he resurfaces, he would have to change for us to work out.)

 

I digress! Regardless, here are some comments about second chances from my observations of people in my life:

1. Don’t ever let the outside world influence your relationship, it’s unique and no one else can know it or understand it

2. Be forgiving, but don’t be stupid

3. Recognize there’s no magic time for anything--months to go NC, months before you can go steady, months before getting married--every relationship is different

4. Improve communication skills and don’t expect the other person to read your mind

5. Give each other updates on feelings and about the relationship--but don’t do it all the time and make it too heavy (or you’d be dating a therapist!)

6. Don’t assume that if you’re in NC--that the other person misses you or is still single

7. Remember “out of sight, out of mind” does make sense!

8. Talk and figure out what made the first go-round come to an end--discuss ways to remedy it

 

By the way, I just found a pretty cool website with info on marriage and other relationships. Check it out:

 

http://www.stayhitched.com/

 

That’s all I have to say for now.

[Extra Truth]

Besides I don't think NC will work to win someone back if they dumped you because of neglect in the relationship. You know not spending enough time together, lack of sexual interest, showing indifference. In this case NC would just reinforce the dumper's decision.

 

If on the other hand you were dumped because you smothered them then NC might work (if they still have feelings for you at all).

 

Hi Grace2005

 

These are exactly some of the errors I committed.

 

Today is Christmas, and I am debating whether to send a holiday greeting (text message). Everyone around her says it's a bad idea, that she'll lose whatever remaining respect she might have for me, but I don't have anything to lose since last night I learned through mutual friends that her NC has crossed over into not even being friends, which she hasn't informed of this yet.

 

Since I was neglectful, I am interested in your comment that NC only reinforces that opinion. So what can one do with that history, and her obvious desire for NC? I'm kind of caught in a damned-if-I-do, damned-if-I-don't situation.

 

Thanks

[hmm111]

You guys say part of what NC is suppose to do is to give the dumper time to rethink their decision and to possibly miss you...in this case, would it be a bad idea then to help the situation a little by giving gifts on holidays or sending text messages every once in a while? If its a possibility that they may be rethinking about the relationship, then I feel it probably wouldn't hurt to do these subtle little things to further it along. Also, they would be getting a glimpse of the changes in the new you and be reminded of how much the relationship meant to them. Of course, this would be more of a looser version of NC..but it seems to make sense. What are your takes on it?

[J dub]

You guys say part of what NC is suppose to do is to give the dumper time to rethink their decision and to possibly miss you...in this case, would it be a bad idea then to help the situation a little by giving gifts on holidays or sending text messages every once in a while? If its a possibility that they may be rethinking about the relationship, then I feel it probably wouldn't hurt to do these subtle little things to further it along. Also, they would be getting a glimpse of the changes in the new you and be reminded of how much the relationship meant to them. Of course, this would be more of a looser version of NC..but it seems to make sense. What are your takes on it?

Ok woah, back up the truck for a second.

 

Just because you are implementing NC doesnt mean your ex DOES miss you or is wondering about you. Harsh I know, but seriously it would be ignorant to think that you are guaranteed a "considering coming back" ex just because you disappeared.

 

YES YOU WILL HURT THE CHANCES by sending ANYTHING. Message, flowers, card, you name it. The point is, you are answering the indefinite question that gets them thinking about you in the first place, the "I wonder if they miss me?? I wonder if I made a mistake?" type of questions that trigger a dumper to make way for a second shot.

 

Obviously you are going to do whatever you want, but I am telling you from being on both sides of the fence at some point or another recently, DO NOT send anything (especially gifts, no no no no no gifts!) because ultimately you do not need to "remind" someone of you if they are truly in love with you and considering coming back. You cannot speed up the process, there is nothing at all you can do at all to get someone else to change their mind. Never, ever do X to get someone else to do Y. It will never work out the way you anticipated.

 

Finally, and most importantly, you are using this tactic as a way to manuever your way back into their life. Techically speaking, this is a violation of their original request: for you to no longer be with them. You are trying to use generousity (sp?) as a way to get someone to see you for a changed person but the huge issue with that is youre luring them back, ie dangling a carrot. Wrong move -- and whats worse is you wil be expecting a response. When you dont get one? you are going to back smacked back to day 1 of your breakup. The heal button has just been "reset".

 

I'm sorry, but no...dont send a thing to them.